Two Disciples

Ok, so everything has changed!

2009-08-21T21:22:00.002-05:00

The summer has been great. No really, I mean it, I'm not kidding.

Toward the end of June, Blondie started trying. I'm not sure exactly what changed. It was right after she came back from church camp. Maybe it was that. Maybe something they said got through to her. Or maybe it was the time away and appreciating what she has at home. Or maybe it was the new techniques I've learned through counseling. Or maybe it was everything. Anyway, it has been great.

She has been interested in bonding with me, and has really been making an effort. It's amazing. She still has issues with lying and disobedience but on a smaller scale, and I'm usually able to talk her out of her stubborn stance on the lie much sooner than before.

School starts on Monday and I'm actually going to miss them. Both of them. It's a miracle! I was dreading the summer so much, but it has flown by and I've enjoyed it. I've prayed for a long time to feel like this about both girls and I'm thankful to finally be enjoying some of the fruits of my labor.

Good and Bad

2009-06-01T09:54:00.002-05:00

Bubbles is improving. Blondie isn't.

Bubbles is developing a conscience. Blondie isn't.

Bubbles is obviously trying to bond with us and accept responsibility for her actions. Blondie isn't.

Blondie is in counseling. I'm worn out. Heartbroken. Disappointed. Ready to throw in the towel.

Can anyone recommend any books on RAD and ODD that have really helped? There are so many out there but I can't afford the time or money to read them all.

Are there any summer programs in Texas for these kinds of kids that won't break the bank?

I'm running dry.

Some Response

2009-03-23T17:59:00.002-05:00

We went back to the therapist today. On the way, I asked Blondie if she had any homework. She said she had a 5 page packet and two worksheets to do. After we got home she did one page for five minutes and said she was finished. So I told her that she owed 40 more minutes and I would give her something to do. Then she told me that she worked on it while I was talking with the therapist. I told her that I could hear her playing with the legos while I was in there, so I knew she couldn't have done more than 5 minutes of homework during that time and she agreed. So I asked her if she was sure she didn't have any more homework, and suddenly she remembered something else she needed to do. Ha!

I guess she really doesn't want to do my busywork.

We Saw the Therapist Today

2009-03-19T12:38:00.003-05:00

I took both my youngest girls to see the therapist today. I really liked her. She really understood everything I told her, and was able to sum up Blondie's issues pretty clearly just from listening to me, such as: she doesn't take responsibility for her actions, and she thinks of herself as a victim and everyone else as a perpetrator. She is stubborn and strong willed and has a quick comeback or argument in any given situation.

For Blondie's homework issues, she recommended an enforced homework time each night for 45 minutes. If she doesn't bring any home or there is no homework, I provide some for her. This way she can waste her time doing busy work for me, or she can actually benefit by doing the work she is supposed to do. She said this was the best way to get around the arguing and sabottage of my efforts to get her to do her work. I think it is a good idea and I'm willing to try it.

She is also going to try to get her to open up about her past, which she has never been willing to do before. I really hope she can get through to her. And I haven't had any hope for a while, so it feels nice. It was really nice to finally talk to someone who understood, and didn't judge me for my feelings. My friends mean well, but they just don't get it.

She was straightforward with her, and Blondie seemed to hate the whole thing at first. But then she relaxed a little bit toward the end. After we left I asked Blondie what she thought about her and she said she was nice and she liked her! That's funny, if you could have seen the death glare she was giving her during the appointment.

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.

Some Good News

2009-03-16T18:13:00.003-05:00

I contacted the therapist today, and we have an appointment for Thursday morning. I am very thankful. We need help immediately. We have one child that is possibly in danger from another child, and this could potentially cause one child to have to leave our home if the problem can't be corrected.

That would be a complete nightmare.

New, Unwelcome Problems

2009-03-16T10:27:00.003-05:00

Things were rocking along pretty well. Not great, but not too bad. Now this.

I have left a message and sent an email to a therapist that was recommended to us a while back. I am hopeful we can get in right away. We are now in a somewhat unlivable situation.

I want to ask for help but I don't want to publicize the situation. Please pray for us.

Still Growing!

2009-02-05T13:09:00.003-06:00

Blondie grew a little more than an inch over the last three months. She has grown so much more than I ever expected. I had originally heard from our family doctor that it was a lot of time, effort and discomfort only to achieve an inch or two. Ha! That was so wrong. She has grown about 10 inches so far. She is up to the 25th percentile for her age group. When we started, she was way below the zero percentile. It has definitely been worth the time, effort and discomfort! Her last bone age scan predicted she would be 5'6". That may be a little too optimistic, but I'll be happy just to get her into any normal range. I don't think she's getting teased over her height any more, and that is a very good thing.

On the spoon thing from my post below, I think I'm still just as frequently a fork as a spoon, but I'm trying.

Be The Spoon

2009-01-15T19:06:00.004-06:00

I have talked to a couple of friends recently about my feelings about the girls. I've received some good advice. One said that I need to separate my love and affectionate feelings from my feelings about their behavior. I am definitely making that a goal. It isn't easy to do, but it is something I need to do. I want to have no emotional reaction to their behavior, just deal with it and move on. Another friend asked me what kind of mother I want to be. So I told her I want to be the mother I am to my older children. She pressed me and wanted to know exactly what kind of mother I wanted to be. So I said I wanted to be in-tune with my children, friendly, playful, helpful, loving and affectionate. We were sitting at a table having lunch and she had a fork and a spoon in front of her. She pointed to the spoon and said, "This is the mother you want to be," and she pointed to the fork and said, "This is the mother you have been with the girls." She said I need to be the spoon because that is who I want to be, because that is what makes me happy.

I thought that made a lot of sense. Be the spoon!

Organizing my thoughts and feelings

2009-01-09T09:14:00.002-06:00

I did it again. I started really beating myself up about my feelings toward the girls. It's just so hard. It's like trying to have a relationship with a rock. Not only a rock, but the same rock that repeatedly gets thrown through your window and you have to go clean up the mess. But the rock smiles and acts friendly while it knows it will shatter your window again tonight and feels no remorse whatsoever.

I just don't feel affectionate toward them. I love them and I want them to have a happy life. But I don't want to spend time with them. I don't really like them. I hate that I feel that way. This isn't what I signed up for, but it is what I got.

They haven't changed. They aren't going to change. The sooner I accept that, the better off all of us will be. I can train them. I can teach them manners and how to act in public and to treat me with respect. I can make them clean their rooms and brush their teeth and wipe their bottoms. But only if I check. And check. And check. Nothing ever stays. I can't count on the fact that they have learned that this is important and then move on. No. If I stop checking, they stop doing it.

Lately, I have been adding a notice of consequences to each thing I give them to do, if I know it is something they might not want to do. "Please go brush your teeth and if you don't you will write 25 sentences." "Please don't scream and run around wild in the house while Daddy and I are on our walk, and you can have a piece of candy when we get back. If you do not behave, you will write 25 sentences."

It's just a lot of work. All. The. Time. It's so hard to find any time to fall in love with them.

But then. I started thinking. I've been trying all this time to be their mother. To be the same mother I have been to my birth children. And it just isn't happening. But then I thought. What if I didn't try to be their mother? What if I tried to be their legal guardian. What responsibilities would a legal guardian have to them? I would need to provide safe happy home while they grow up. I can do that. There are no demands on my emotions if I am just the legal guardian of two emotionally damaged kids that can't change. I brought them into my home to give them a second chance at life. They are getting it. Thinking of it this way is my attempt to let go of the guilt that is eating away at me.

My SIL, the therapist, told me that I have done as much with the girls as anyone could do. She said that feeling guilty isn't helping anything. I agree, but it's hard. I look at them and know that they have been dealt a bad hand. They were born into every kind of abuse and neglect, and likely drug and alcohol exposed in utero. Then they went to two foster homes before coming to mine. Now they have me. I want them to have a mother that adores them and has fun with them. But right now that isn't me. I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to. I am repulsed by their dishonesty. It is constant. It is part of who they are. I can never get to know them because everything is a lie. But then I know that they are just messed up children and it isn't their fault and I think I should be able to get past it. But I can't. And it breaks my heart.

Letter (Email) to the Teachers

2008-11-09T22:09:00.002-06:00

I received a request from Mrs. Teacher for a conference, and I will set one up this week. I am assuming that this is because of Blondie's grades, since I haven’t had many complaints from you on her behavior. She seems to be slipping into her old habits from last year on her school work. She tells me that her work is complete when she brings home her assignment book. She does bring some of her work home, but she leaves at school the things she doesn’t want to do, and I don’t know about it until it is already a zero.

This year I have had a different strategy when I find out she hasn’t done her work. Last year I fought tooth and nail to get her to do her homework, and it wore both of us out. This year I have put the responsibility on her. When she avoids doing her work and it is obvious to me, I just remind her that she doesn’t have to do her work this year, she can always just repeat 5th grade and do it next year instead. This seems to motivate her more than anything I have come up with in the past. She suddenly decides that the work is important and she wants to do it. Then I tell her that it’s really okay and not to worry about it, and then she insists that she wants to do it.

You might want to try that when she doesn’t want to do her work in class, or doesn’t have some of her work turned in.

When she brought home her progress report, I asked her whether her grades were low because she didn’t understand the work or she just didn’t want to do it, and she told me that lots of times she doesn’t understand it. As I mentioned before, I requested last year in December to have her tested, but Mr. Principal did not act on it. He said that unless the extra tutoring didn’t work, they would not move forward with testing. If she is now failing, it is probably time to move forward with the testing for putting her into remedial classes. I really don’t know what else to do.

I will see you next week (after the 14th).

Storm Clouds?

2008-09-27T08:27:00.002-05:00

I had a feeling that she could only hold up for so long. This week Blondie got a zero on her spelling homework, and the next day she had not done her science homework, so the teacher made her stay in from recess and complete it and she lost 10 points for it being late. Both teachers notified me by email or I wouldn't have known. I did not punish Blondie. I offered to help her with her homework any time it is needed, and reminded her that fifth grade will be repeated next year if she doesn't want to do her work.

We'll see what happens. I'm trying to keep my anxiety over it at a minimum. Nothing I did last year worked, which included threatening, punishing, a futile attempt at a reward system which had no effect, and worrying myself sick. I'm going to let the consequences fall where they fall. I can't control this situation.

My goal is to just be informative and supportive. The rest is up to her and the school. As much as possible I am not going to punish her for anything that happens at school. If they punished her, that is good enough for me. I will not intervene unless the school asks me to. And I will take deep cleansing breaths and try to relax and let it all go.

I can only provide the information to her, I can't force her to act on it. (Repeat to self several times a day).

Bubbles has withdrawn emotionally. It happened in May, after a discussion about her birth parents, and nothing I have said to her since has made any difference. On the other hand, I believe that Blondie may be beginning to bond with me. I never would have guessed when we brought them home that this would happen. Bubbles was the sweet, cuddly, eager to please one, and Blondie was whiny, annoying and generally unpleasant to be around. Everyone talked about how easy it was to love Bubbles and that it was so difficult to even like Blondie.

My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride over the last three years, and are finally becoming calmer in the past few weeks. In the begining, I began by trying very hard to bond with them. Then I became so discouraged by their behavior and lack of response to my instruction that I was more inclined to avoid them. Now I'm ready to just let things happen as they happen. If we bond, great, and if we don't, oh well, there's not much I can do about it. I have begun to feel some genuine affection for Blondie, against all odds. I never would have believed that I would like her more than Bubbles, but right now I definitely do. I can only hope that my relationships with both girls will grow over time. It has become much easier to like them since I quit trying to control them as much. Maybe my new attitude will be just what we all needed. Only time will tell.

My Umbrella Color is Pink

2008-09-08T18:35:00.001-05:00

What Your Pink Umbrella Says About You

When faced with adversity, you respond with compassion.

Even if someone is making life difficult for you, you can't help but see things from their perspective.

You are emotionally in tune, and you are very sensitive to those around you.

You are able to give to those who need it most, even if they are difficult to deal with.

On a rainy day: you should offer to help someone who needs you

The Umbrella Test

The Viruses Have Started

2008-09-08T08:25:00.002-05:00

Bucky started feeling sick on Thursday: runny nose and sore throat. He made it through school on Friday and then was sick all weekend. Yesterday he said he was feeling better, but then last night he had a fever of 101. This morning Blondie woke up and told me that she had a runny nose and sore throat. She had no fever so I sent her to school.

Here is what is frustrating. I know that I should keep them at home so they don't spread the germs around. The problem is that if they miss too many days of school, the school reports you to the police and you pay a big fine. So I have to send them to school as much as possible to save up for the days that they are too sick to go. There are days I have sent Bucky to school and just made him stay for a couple of hours to get counted "there" for attendance and then gone to pick him up because he had already missed too many days. I've received the ugly notes from the school threatening to call the police because he had missed too much school. Like 8 days. It's crazy. Anyway, I'd be glad to let them all stay home when they are sick. I just can't. Then on the other hand you get ugly letters from the school saying to keep your kids home when they are sick. You just can't win.

I'm going to start my kids taking Cold Eeze daily or some kind of zinc supplement and try to keep them well.

Feeling Successful

2008-09-04T19:46:00.003-05:00

I made dinner three days in a row this week, and I have enough leftovers for 7 more meals! I have started doing my cooking in the morning and it makes the afternoons so much less stressful.

So far the teachers aren't complaining. Blondie didn't do her spelling homework one night, and she had to use her one homework pass for the six weeks in order to turn it in late the next day. I found out that it was because she didn't understand it, but instead of asking for help she just didn't do it. That is very typical of her. Fortunately, she cared enough to take care of it the next day. Today at school she requested to go to the nurse because her side hurt. This is also typical behavior. She loves to go see the nurse.

Anyway, I explained to her this week that she will get her slushes and lunches with Mom for free this year, without having to earn them. I have decided to reward them with $1 per A on their report cards instead. I told Blondie that passing 5th grade is entirely up to her. She was shocked, but happy that she would be able to get slushes and lunches without having to earn them. I'm so sick and tired of punishing her all the time. I just want to have some fun with her. I think this will help me feel better towards her.

2008-08-29T09:06:00.002-05:00

I haven't had any complaints from the teachers yet, and Blondie seems to be doing her homework so far. I've left it entirely up to her whether she wants to do her homework or not. I did, however, want to empower her teachers with some advice about how Blondie responds to correction. I sent them an email yesterday letting them know that if her consequences don't affect her immediate comfort, they are basically useless. I also let them know that she would sabotage any attempts to send home notes that informed me of bad behavior. I let them know that I was very interested in seeing Blondie succeed in 5th grade and that I was available any time they need help with her.

Blondie has four teachers this year (they rotate for each subject) and I got this response from one of them:

"Hey there!
Thank you for emailing us. Blondie has been a sweet girl so far. As of today, she’s been working pretty hard on her school work and working well within her group in my class. I have had to remind her about a few of the class procedures…but other than that, she’s great! Thank you for the tips. I check my emailing often at school, and I have it forwarded to my phone, so if you EVER have a question please don’t hesitate to email me. I usually respond within the hour."

I'm glad to get a good report back. However it is only the first week. She probably won't show her true colors for another week or so. I'm hoping that maturity has improved her behavior this year, but only time will tell. I was very encouraged by the teacher's response. I hope I hear back from the others as well.

Feeling Better

2008-08-27T12:17:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a lot better today. Gawdess left an encouraging comment on my last post that helped a lot. It had never occurred to me that I might already be the mom they need for now. I'm hopeful that we will grow together into a closer relationship, and that relaxing and letting it happen will work better than guilt and worrying about it.

I love them but I don't like them. That's another thing someone helped me to realize yesterday. I kept thinking that I sort of love them, and that bothered me a lot. But that isn't true. I love them. I just don't like their behavior, and that drives me away.

I'm also trying to let them deal with the consequences of their actions, such as Blondie not doing her schoolwork and ergo failing 5th grade this year. I fought her all year last year with next to no results, other than my own extreme frustration. This year I am letting go. It is her choice if she does her work or not. She can do it or not do it, fail or not fail. She can behave in class if she wants to, or disobey and miss recess. My rewards and punishments from home have no effect on her when she is at school, so I may as well not do anything.

Last year I offered a slush on Friday to those who obeyed in class all week. This year, everybody gets a slush on Friday. Last year, I would bring them lunch every three weeks, dependent on their progress reports and report cards. This year I'm just going to have lunch with them every three weeks. If I wait for them, particularly Blondie, to earn the good things in life, she won't get any.

I'm going to attempt to take the advice that I got from my sister-in-law when we first brought the girls home. Work on the relationship, and then work on the discipline. I should have listened, because working on the discipline has been so hard that it obliterated our chances at a relationship.

Yesterday when they got home it went very well. Bubbles commented,"Somebody is happy today!" And I really wasn't being silly or anything, just talking and teasing with them a little bit as we went through their papers. I also gave them each a hug that I initiated and they responded to with gusto.

The article on inducement that Gawdess suggested was eye-opening. I pray that I will be able to keep it in mind as I go forward. If you haven't read it and you have adopted foster kids or plan to, you should read it. http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html

School Starts Tomorrow

2008-08-24T18:54:00.002-05:00

School starts tomorrow and that is a huge relief for me. I've survived the summer without killing anyone. I think that I have fallen into a mild depression. I feel that I need someone to talk to, but the problem is that no one understands. I don't have any friends or family who have ever adopted foster kids. My husband and FIL are about the only ones I can talk to that "get it". Talking with my friends just frustrates me, because they suggest all the things I have already tried, and they just don't understand how I can feel the way I do. I'm very hesitant to even express my feelings because everyone feels so sorry for the girls because of their prior circumstances.

I'm about 95% hopeless at this point that they will ever change. That gives me no will to try. I'm still going through the motions, and disciplining them and making them mind. I give them hugs when they ask for them. But I feel numb toward them 99% of the time.

I talked with Boaz about it this morning. He said that I expect too much of myself and I set the bar too high. He said that we need to feed and clothe the girls and keep them safe, and try to be nice to them, and that was a good enough goal for now. My goal is to be the Mom they need, complete with affection, praise and genuine heartfelt love. But I'm unable to provide those last three things. I force myselft to tolerate their presence and speak nicely to them. Then at other times I actually enjoy spending time with them. It's just few and far between.

I want it to be different, but I haven't yet figured out how to change how I feel inside. Is that even possible? I don't know. I do know that the guilt is overwhelming. I know exactly what I should do, and I want to, but when the time comes to act on it, then I don't want to. Does that make sense?

So at this point, I guess my goal is just to feed, clothe and be nice to them. I can't wait for some peace and quiet tomorrow. I'd love to just lay on the floor and cry all day, but I won't. I'll go to my yoga class and out to lunch with a friend, and I'll greet the kids when they get home and make dinner for everyone. And keep holding it all in.

Internal Struggles

2008-05-29T09:09:00.003-05:00

Blondie hasn't improved, and now Bubbles is getting worse. She lied and disobeyed all weekend.

Yesterday Bubbles had a field trip at school. Blondie came home and told on Bubbles for something that happened at school. It wasn't that big of a deal, and the punishment would have been next to nothing, if it was true. Bubbles denied it. In the past, Blondie has been jealous of Bubbles when she gets to go have fun, and she has lied about her to get her in trouble. That's what I thought was happening. I kept my cool, and I told them that they would both have to go into time out until they wanted to tell the truth. They were probably in time out for about 1.5 hours (with me reminding them every 10 minutes that this would end as soon as they wanted to tell the truth, and they were in complete control of it, and could end it whenever they wanted), when I realized that there was a witness to the situation. Blondie had told me that Bubbles' friend was part of it, so I decided to call her for verification. Her friend told me that it did NOT happen. So there was my proof that Blondie was lying. BUT Blondie stubbornly insisted that it DID happen, and that was the wrong girl, it was another girl. Bubbles said the second girl wasn't even there, and had gone home right after the field trip. So I called the first girl's mom again, (embarrassing!) and found out that the second girl WAS there during the situation. So then Bubbles said that the second girl was there for a little while but then left early. So I had to call the second girl. The second girl verified EVERYTHING that Blondie had told me.

I really felt horrible. I was in shock. Bubbles has never done this before. In every situation up until this, Bubbles was telling the truth. In my heart I just knew who was actually lying, but since I couldn't prove it I was just letting both of them sit in time out. I hate punishing an innocent person, but if they were honest all the time, we'd have trust and I'd know who was lying. Anyway, I sincerely apologized to Blondie, because I had been accusing her of lying the whole time, but also telling Bubbles that since she had been lying all weekend I couldn't be sure it wasn't her.

My heart is just broken right now. I thought we were making headway with Bubbles. Now she's acting just like Blondie. I'm so worn down. This job is bigger than I am.

I want to learn to separate myself from their behavior. I want my behavior to not be dependent on theirs. I want to be able to be happy and at peace, no matter what they do, or how disappointing their behavior is. I want to be a mature adult, who sees the big picture when I deal with them. I want to love them unconditionally. I want to be that person, no matter how they turn out or what they do.

Instead, I celebrate when they leave for school, and I dread when they get home. I'm emotionally distant from them. I'm self-protecting from all the hurt and disappointment they cause me. I'm angry that love and logic doesn't work. I've spent two and a half years of my life pouring myself into them and they are still doing the same old things they did when they got here.

Is this how God sees us? He gave us a bible, and He is ready and willing to hear our prayers, and He has supplied us with everything we need to make the right decisions and live a good life. But instead we ignore Him and go off on our own, over and over again. But He doesn't lose hope and become emotionally distant. He doesn't dread my prayers or feel disgusted with my feeble attempts to read my bible. He's still there cheering me on, longing for me, no matter what. Why can't I be like that? I want to be.

I had no idea how hard this would be. I thought I was a better person than I am. I'm turning bitter toward them. How can this be? I guess you would have to spend two and a half years with them to know.

I called my FIL crying this morning, disappointed in myself and in them. He told me that he thought God sent the girls to me because anyone else would have given up on them and that I won't. Lately I've just been wanting them gone. Of course I won't act on those feelings, but it's like that dream of what you would do if you won a million dollars.

If I could go back and undo this adoption, I would, in a heartbeat. So fast it would make your head spin. Or maybe I wouldn't. Because somewhere, deep down, I love them and I still have hope. I'd be willing to try it for a little while longer. It's funny, as I let my mind try that on, suddenly I started backing up. I don't want them to go! I just want them to try. That's all. And I want to be the mom they need. I just wish I knew how.

More Choices

2008-05-14T07:36:00.001-05:00

I'm working hard to come up with ways to give her more choices. This morning I asked her what fruit she wanted in her lunch and what kind of jelly she wanted on her sandwich. I don't know if it will help, but I do want to empower her in any way I can.

I forgot about this one: I've been fighting her all year trying to get her to do her schoolwork. I even went up and sat in her classroom one day. All to no avail. She was still throwing away her papers as late as last week. So I gave up. I told her that she doesn't have to do anymore homework, I don't care, as she obviously doesn't care as she has shown over and over and over all year long. Anyway she was pretty shocked by that announcement. I told her that if she wants to fail fourth grade that badly, I would no longer stand in her way. Have at it.

She's been doing her homework ever since. It's kind of funny actually. She brings me her folder, and as I pull the papers out I ask her, "Would you like to do this or throw it away?" and she always says she wants to do it. Of course, that doesn't mean she isn't still throwing some away at school. But I've put the decision in her hands. I want to protect her from herself, but it's more work than I can handle. Some things are just going to have to slide if I'm going to get through this with my sanity.

More Lying

2008-05-13T10:49:00.003-05:00

Lying about food. Again.

This time she brought her lunch to school, but she decided to use her lunch ticket instead. She lied to her teacher and told her she had my permission. Her lunch ticket only has a few dollars on it, and it is for emergencies in case she forgets her lunch and I'm across town somewhere and can't bring it to her.

So I took the money out of her allowance and made her pay for it. She also had oatmeal for supper and went to bed early for her disobedience.

Last Friday she snuck her headphones to school, after asking me if she could take something to school. I told her no, because that is a privilege they get on Fridays if they have behaved at school all week, and she hadn't.

She is very rebellious, but she hides it. She cooperates to our faces, but then does whatever she wants behind our backs. I really don't know how to handle this. I want to give her more control, but she makes poor choices, and I think that is poor parenting. If a child isn't old enough or responsible enough to make safe, healthy choices for themselves then they don't need to be in charge of their own care.

It's so hard to deal with a kid that just doesn't care. She just DOESN'T CARE. I can reward and punish until hell freezes over, but I can't make her care.

We told her that from now on, if she directly disobeys us (breaking an established rule), vs. just being impulsive (like talking out of turn in class) she will lose something out of her room. She will also have to wear plain white t-shirts and jeans for a week, instead of getting to pick out her own clothes from the array of new things I bought her in the past couple of weeks.

It's easy to want to just give up and quit trying. Nothing I've done has gotten through to her yet, and I have no reason to believe that it will. I have to remember that she is in God's hands, not mine. It's so hard to wait for him to heal the broken places inside her.

I'm angry that she is messed up inside from what was done to her, and she is left to deal with the fallout. It's not her fault that she was neglected and abused as a child. I know that developmentally she didn't receive the right input at the right times. But why should she have to suffer for it for the rest of her life?

I'm just rambling and upset. I wish, wish, wish that I could help this child, help her understand that I love her and care about her and that I am her greatest resource here on this earth, as mother, friend, mentor, teacher. But she pays more attention to the leaves blowing by on the sidewalk than any of my counsel. It hurts that I can't reach her.

I feel such a crazy mix of compassion, understanding, pain and anger. I was so naive when I signed up for this.

Cheese Pizza and Cheezits

2008-05-01T12:56:00.003-05:00

Blondie is allergic to dairy products. When she first came to live with me, her nose was so stopped up that she sounded like Darth Vader all the time, particularly when she was sleeping. The doctor had us do saline flushes five time a day. We finally got her nose cleared up and got her off dairy products and her breathing has been fine since then. Once she cheated and ate ice cream and got an ear infection, but that was about a year ago.

Anyway, Bubbles came home yesterday and told me that she had seen Blondie in the bathroom before school, eating pizza and cheezits. Both kids eat breakfast before going to school every day, and they bring their lunch with them. So it isn't like she is going to school hungry. This all goes back to her food issues. But she has a nice friend who we'll call Sweetie. One day when I took Sonic to Blondie for lunch, Sweetie sat with us and told me that I should send Blondie more food. Blondie was embarrassed and gave me a tiny headshake no. I said to Sweetie, "I think Blondie just likes to eat other peoples' food." I had been sending extra food with Blondie for a while, but she told me to stop because it was too much. Evidently it's because she's eating Sweetie's food!

Anyway, she denied and denied and denied that she had eaten the food, and accused Bubbles of lying about her. Due to every past encounter like this, I was pretty sure that Bubbles was telling the truth, but Blondie can be very convincing even when lying through her teeth, so I went back to Bubbles a couple of times and questioned her. I told Blondie that I really needed her to tell me the truth and that if she didn't tell me, I wouldn't let her go on the field trip in two weeks. She continued to deny. So I called the school and got her friend's number. She was adamant that I call her friend to verify her story. So was Bubbles. So frustrated at this point, but holding my temper. I talked to Blondie alone one more time, and explained that by calling her friend, we could very well get her in trouble with her mother for using her meal ticket to buy food for Blondie, and that Sweetie might not appreciate that and continue to want to be friends. She still insisted that I call her. So I did. But I didn't get an answer and I left a message for her mom to call me back.

THEN. THEN! I asked Blondie how I knew that she hadn't already told her friend to lie for her. And she said, "I didn't ask her to lie. I forgot all about it. When we were coming down the driveway just now I was really happy because I had forgotten all about it." Oops!

So I said, "You just told me the truth. Do you realize that?" And her face fell and she realized that she had let the cat out of the bag. So she lost her chance to go on the field trip. And she gets to do Bubbles' chores for the next two weeks in addition to her own for accusing her of lying.

I called the VP at her school this morning, and she talked to Sweetie about the situation. Sweetie said that Blondie has been telling her that she doesn't get breakfast in the mornings, and Sweetie thinks I don't send enough food for Blondie. The VP explained that it wasn't safe for Blondie to be eating food in bathroom because she could choke and no one would know, and besides it's just gross! She also mentioned that Blondie might have allergies she didn't know about, and that she needed to let Blondie's mother determine what Blondie eats.

Oh, and she lied to me on Monday and told me that she forgot to bring home her folder with her behavior chart. Then when she brought it home yesterday, she had scribbled out what the teacher wrote in it.

She had really been doing better the past two weeks. I guess she just couldn't keep it up.

She Might Pass

2008-04-25T09:21:00.003-05:00

I talked with Blondie's principal again yesterday. Her grades have been borderline all year, but the only subject she is truly in danger of failing is social studies. He said that they look at the core classes and that they wouldn't hold her back just for social studies. There are also state tests that need to be passed but he said they have some power in the decision making process there too. He said that he talked to her teacher yesterday, and her teacher felt that she would be able to go on to the fifth grade if she will just slow down and try a little harder before just putting down any answer.

So that is good news. I requested to have her tested for additional services, but he said that they have to try doing tutoring before the state will allow them to spend the money. So far she is still scraping by. If they try to fail her without doing the testing, I'm going to be upset. If she passes then we'll have more time to deal with it next year if she can't keep up.

Time to Think

2008-04-21T18:33:00.003-05:00

I've spent a lot of time thinking, and I've realized some ways that I can improve my parenting of Bubbles and Blondie.

1) I need to stop looking at everything they do through a negative filter. It didn't start out that way. I was on the right track when we started. I had high hopes for them and just knew that we would all bond into a loving family over time. Instead, we began to deteriorate over time. As we were disappointed over and over and over, and nothing I said or did seemed to make a difference, I started to give up. I grew angry and distant. I was civil but not especially nice. I just knew that everything they did was manipulative and fake. In fact, it probably is, but that isn't my point. When they do something nice, that they should do, I need to praise them for it, even when I know it is fake and they have ulterior motives. How will they want to do the right thing for the right reasons, if I don't respond as if they did? Does that make sense? If I praise and reward them for doing the right things, hopefully they will eventually do them for the right reasons. Either way, I need to release all the negative feelings that have built up inside me toward them.

2) I need to see their failures principally as they affect them, instead of how they offend me. I'm really working on that one. In the beginning, I was trying to enforce my power over them, and was highly offended that they would dare to disobey or lie to me. Now I'm just trying to look at how those behaviors will affect their lives. I'm also working harder than ever to make the punishment related to the crime.

Some examples:
On Saturday, we went as a family to the wildlife park and my parents came too. Blondie was sitting next to me in the van, and turned to tell me something and her breath was so bad I nearly passed out! I asked her if she brushed her teeth, and she lied and said she did. I asked to see her teeth and they were gummy and yellow. Ew. I asked if she used toothpaste and she said no. I'm sure she didn't brush them at all. So I asked Bubbles if she had brushed her teeth and she said no. I had specifically reminded both of them to brush their teeth before we left. I asked her why she didn't and she said she just didn't feel like it. So I told them both that we would be stopping at the next grocery store and they would have to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste with their own money and brush their teeth at the wildlife park. They were not allowed to talk until they brushed their teeth due to their bad breath. I also made them brush their teeth with baking soda the next three times after we got home to help them appreciate the nice tasting toothpaste I provide for them.

Today, Bubbles came home with a note that she was cheating at school. I took her into my room to talk to her alone about it. I didn't even feel angry. Normally I would have yelled and punished her. I asked her about what happened and she said that one of her friends was struggling on the practice test, so she offered to let her cheat off her paper. They were both caught and got in trouble. I explained to Bubbles that she isn't helping her friend in the long run if she does this. I also explained to her that letting people use you isn't the best way to make friends. I encouraged her that she is a sweet fun girl and doesn't need to bribe people to be friends with her. Then I gave her a bowl of oatmeal and sent her to bed early while the rest of us had nacho night.

I'm still in there trying.

Keeping Her In

2008-04-17T10:28:00.001-05:00

I'm considering a door alarm and a video monitor. Does anyone use these, and could you recommend one?

Ready to Give Up

2008-04-17T08:04:00.003-05:00

I quit.

That's what I really want to do. SIGH

I'm realizing that a big part of the problem is ME. I have control issues.

SIGH

I can't control her. I need to learn to look at things as they happen, and not as to how I think that behavior will manifest itself in the future. I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind, and then reacting to those things instead of what actually happened. I need to get a grip.

The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I had no idea what I was getting into when I adopted these girls. And compared to a lot of stories I've read on others' blogs, my girls are EASY. Except they aren't teens yet, and that is what scares me. I wonder about the horrors yet to come. Relax, get a grip.

I just want to cry. I've tried so HARD. But all I've done is upset myself. It doesn't change their behavior if I'm nice, mean, attentive, indifferent, happy, angry, advising or holding my tongue. Actually, that's not true. Bubbles is a success story for the most part. So I'm not all bad. And everyone tells me how much the girls have changed since we got them, and how good they are doing now.

But I feel defeated. Ready to throw in the towel. Boaz says I need to focus on changing me because I can't change Blondie. I have to learn how to stay calm and rational in the face of fear and shock. Of course it's my own fault that I was afraid and shocked I guess.

Last night after Blondie and Bubbles had been upstairs in bed for nearly an hour, Babygirl thought of something she needed in her room and ran upstairs to get it. When she got there, she found Blondie huddled in a corner hiding in her room. Blondie stood up, said "Hi Babygirl" and then ran past her out of the room.

So Babygirl told Blondie to come downstairs with her and told me what happened.

It scared me. I was freaked out. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But images of her sneaking into Babygirl's room with evil intent in the middle of the night was going through my head. Having an uncontrollable child wandering through the house at night is unacceptable to me. I did ask her what she was doing in there, and she said she was listening to us downstairs. We weren't talking about anything, really. Babygirl was on the family computer and Bucky and I were playing a game together on the laptop. There wasn't anything to hear. But I had made her close her door and I guess she didn't like that and wanted to listen to us. Or maybe she was lying to me. I really don't know. I do know that she can't be sneaking into Babygirl's room.

I yelled a lot. I said a couple of curse words. I'm really ashamed of my behavior. I wish I could rewind a few years and change this mess. I wish I could rewind about 12 hours.

I need to learn to deal with problems better. Only usually, I'm a calm person. It's just that the stress of the past few years has really gotten to me.

Think long and hard before you adopt kids from foster care. Make sure that you don't have any underlying anger or control issues. You will be challenged to your wit's end. Be sure you can handle it. I'm having a hard time.

Response to Anonymous

2008-04-16T07:52:00.004-05:00

I had an anonymous poster say about my "Hard to Explain" post:

you said "it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring...." but in your explanation of the situation, you did not describe her asking for advice. Only described her telling you or maybe even venting that glue keeps getting on her lunchbox. If that is the case, and she did not ask for your advice.. then aren't you the one who wasn't very nice?She was venting and you were "fixing". Often times our kids need our ear and our understanding more than they need anything else.

Maybe so. In thinking back over the situation, she didn't actually ask...but she said it the way she always does when she wants my help. She wants me to fix everything. She comes to me with a complaint and then looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. It was the tattling voice that she uses when complains about her sister's stuff on her side of the room. etc. It wasn't just a sad, needing some comfort kind of voice. I frequently do say something to the effect of "I'm sorry to hear that" and that makes her mad too. I get that same glare. I guess you might have to live with her day to day and see her body language and know her to understand, and to have lived with her for the past two and a half years and know her cues.

I think she really wanted me to say this: "I'll come up to the school and talk to your teacher and see if she will talk to them about not getting glue on your lunchbox." But instead of taking it on myself, I offered a solution that involved HER changing something, and she didn't appreciate that. Next time though, I think I'll ask her to try to think of a solution, and see if we can come up with one together. Obviously, if I'd known it was going to blow up like that I would have done it differently. Hindsight is 20/20 you know.

SIGH

2008-04-15T18:31:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I should be thankful that it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I started by taking Blondie into my room and telling her that we were going to see what she has learned in the past 2 1/2 years. She said okay. She knows that means that I'm looking for a truthful answer to the next question. I pulled out the earrings and asked her to tell me everything she knew about them. She said that someone gave them to her. I asked her who, and she said a friend. She said um...uh...I'm trying to remember her name....um...I said you are lying to me. She said no, a friend did give them to her! I said who was it? She said um, uh, I'm trying to think of her name. I said unless you can tell me her name you are lying to me. She said it was Avery. I said okay, let's go call Avery and see if she says that she gave these to you. She said no, it wasn't Avery. So I asked again who it was, and she said it was KS (a boy). I asked why he gave them to her and she said she didn't know. He just walked up and handed them to her and she said thanks and that's it. Right.

Anyway, I'm thankful that it wasn't a big ordeal to find out who they belonged to. Now I just have to get his phone number and call his mother so I can find out where the earrings came from. If they are hers, they need to go back.

Blondie went to bed early tonight. Her birthday party plans are in jeopardy due to her poor behavior.

Dangly Pink Earrings

2008-04-15T08:09:00.002-05:00

As I was doing the laundry, I found some dangly pink earrings. Since they had already been washed, they had fallen out of whatever pocket they were hidden in and I don't know who stole/found/hid them. I do have a good idea though.

Babygirl has never stolen anything in her life, and absolutely hates pink, so there's no question there. Blondie lies/disobeys/sneaks things all the time. Bubbles still lies sometimes, disobeys occasionally, and hardly ever sneaks things anymore.

But therein lies my dilemma. I can tell you without a doubt that Blondie and Bubbles will deny having ever seen said earrings or brought them home. Lately, Bubbles has been better about admitting the truth when confronted. We have been trying to teach them from day one to tell the truth and accept the consequences for their actions, instead of lying and having more consequences than they would have. Blondie will usually deny the truth when it is staring her in the face and there is no question at all who did it. But sometimes Bubbles lies too. It's hard to use my intuition on these things, because they are both very convincing liars. They can summon outrage and tears when they are guilty as sin. If you didn't know better, you'd believe that neither of them had never done anything wrong in their entire lives. They're that good.

My gut says it was Blondie, just because it usually is. But we'll see what happens this afternoon when they get home.

I hate these situations. Hopefully someone will own up to it instead of there being a big ordeal.

Pretty Good Week

2008-04-11T21:40:00.003-05:00

Blondie had a pretty good week at school, I think. She was rude to her teacher on Thursday and had to go to bed early, but other than that she did well. Whenever her teacher stamps her folder I have asked her to initial it too, because once Blondie snuck into her desk and stamped her own folder so I don't know for sure when there is just a stamp.

Anyway, I'm trying the two armed hugs now. I think she was a bit surprised at first but she returned it warmly. We rode home together today from a trip out to the country to drop off Babygirl and she opened up a bit to me, and complained about the horror movies her bio parents let her watch and how they still scare her when she thinks about it. One was about Uncle Sam, and so images of him scare her. She was six or less when she watched it. I know she also saw the Chucky movies.

Sick, sick people.

More Hugs

2008-04-10T10:10:00.003-05:00

We all need more hugs. Babygirl is going through a transitional time and needs more affection right now, and was wise enough to tell me.

I've also noticed that Blondie is making a point to come to me each morning and when she gets home from school to get a hug. And I've noticed that I'm more receptive because I'm not so mad at her. Most of my hugs for her in the past have been the unenthusiastic one armed kind, because she defies me at every point and then wants a hug. I'm going to make a point to give her warmer, two armed hugs. :)

She's doing better over all. She did have another episode of denying reality two nights ago when Boaz asked her if she was doing a particular thing, and she said no, and then he told her that he saw her do it and she still denied it. It's very frustrating. But it's happening less often. She seems to be doing more of her schoolwork, but she could just be covering better right now. Hopefully she really is, but we'll find out tomorrow or next Friday, whenever report cards come out.

I'm very concerned that she will fail fourth grade this year. Her grades have been atrocious and she has failed the state exams. If she does fail, it will be her second time to do so and she will be in the same grade as Bubbles. I hate to see that happen, but there's nothing I can do. I've tried every way I know to motivate her with minimal results. I've seen the most response from her when I'm excited that she brought home her homework, so that "I get to learn about social studies tonight" or "I love those hard spelling words!" I think she'll work for praise, it's just been so hard to give it when I was so mad. It's like I read on another blog, I've been forced to examine things in myself that I'm not proud of. But I'm really trying.

Hard to Explain

2008-04-08T11:02:00.002-05:00

It might seem crazy, but I find it hard to explain sometimes what the problem with Blondie is. She's so sweet and charming to everyone else. In fact, she's even sweet and charming with me. So what's the problem? I know, but it's hard to explain.

Before I start over with a new counselor, I want to have my thoughts collected, so I'm going to use this blog to do it. Forgive me if I sound like I'm nitpicking, but I need to write down everything so I can see trends.

This morning she complained that people keep getting glue on her lunchbox. I asked her how this was happening. She said that she gets her lunchbox out and puts it under her cubby for easy access when it is time to go to lunch. I suggested that she just leave her lunchbox in her backpack so it wouldn't get glue on it. She frowned at me. I asked if it took that long to unzip her backpack and pull out her lunchbox. She said no. So again I said to just leave her lunchbox in her backpack and then it won't get glue on it. She stared at me frowning with no response looking like she hated me.

So then I got frustrated and told her that I wasn't saying she HAD to leave her lunchbox in her backpack, and that she could do it however she wanted, but she had asked for my help and I was just making a suggestion. I told her that the only person we can control is ourselves, and the only way to protect her lunchbox was to keep it put up. I asked her what was more important to her, having the lunchbox ready to go, or keeping glue off of it? She said it was more important to keep glue off it, but she just kept frowning at me and looking mad. I asked her what she wanted me to say and she said she didn't know. So then I told her that it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring at me after I offered a suggestion and I made her apologize to me for acting ugly. Then we just moved on and the rest of the morning was okay.

I fired her

2008-04-07T13:31:00.002-05:00

I had an overwhelming feeling that the counselor was wrong for us, so I left her a message and we quit.

Now I have to find another one that accepts Medicaid.

Counselor Doubts

2008-04-07T13:00:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with our counselor being able to help Blondie. She enjoys her visits (we've had three) but I think the woman has no experience at all with foster kids.

I talked to her last week about my concerns about attachment issues. I said that I felt that Blondie might put more stock in what I tell her if she was more attached to me. She pooh-poohed that and said that Blondie is just impulsive and not thinking at all about her disobedience as being disrespectful, blah blah blah. Maybe so, maybe not, but that is not the point. The point is that we aren't attached in a way that would be healthy for both of us.

So I tried again this week. I told her that I was interested in working on attachment with Blondie. I told her that she isn't involved with the family the way that Bubbles is. She said that we should try to include her more. So I corrected that and said that Blondie is involved in our activities, but she is holding back emotionally. I said that Bubbles is really trying to integrate herself into the family and wants to be part of us, but Blondie could probably go to another family and other than the shock to her system over the home and school change, she'd be okay and just have a new female caregiver to provide food and clothes. At that point the counselor said, "Are you saying you'd like her to go to another family?"

I nearly exploded. I told her, "You completely misunderstood what I was trying to say!" I'm just saying that Blondie is not attached, and I want her to be, not that I want her to leave! I wouldn't be asking for help for attachment issues if I wanted to kick her to the curb. I don't know if we're going to go back. I think I really need to find a counselor that understands foster kids.

Oh, and when I asked again specifically on working on attachment, she said that I should spend time with her one on one for 20 to 30 minutes every other day.

Thanks for the help, lady.

Algebra

2008-04-02T16:16:00.002-05:00

My third grader had some fraction reducing homework, and being the math person that I am, it somehow led to a mini-algebra lesson.

Then I said, "Now you will already know some of this stuff when you get to Algebra."

And Bubbles responded, looking a bit worried, "Where is Algebra?"

Cute.

I quickly explained that Algebra was a what, not a where, and we weren't sending her away to Algebra.

Natural First

2008-03-19T22:41:00.002-05:00

I talked to my SIL who I depend on for good advice due to the fact she has a master's degree in social work and has worked with many foster kids, and she recommends that I try all the natural alternatives first, particularly since Ritalin has been known to stunt growth and Blondie is on growth hormones as it is.

Blondie has been doing very well on her growth hormones and has grown about eight inches since we started her treatment. I certainly don't want to jeopardize that. If anyone has had any success with natural ADHD treatments, I'd love to hear from you.

ADHD?

2008-03-19T18:02:00.002-05:00

The counselor wants to medicate Blondie for ADHD. I described Blondie's behavior to her, and the more I talked the more she said I was describing classic ADHD symptoms. There are so many reasons that I don't want to medicate her. First, I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and that too many children are medicated because they are fiesty and energetic and have tired teachers and parents who don't know how to handle them. Second, Blondie's birth family abused drugs and I don't want to set the example for Blondie that we fix our problems with medication.

But nothing else has worked. We have pleaded and punished and rewarded, and she's about the same. She functions only in the moment she is in, with no regard for past or future consequences. We're worn out and she most likely is too. It's to the point that we dread being around her, all of us except Bubbles, who puts up with her due to loyalty, love, habit and necessity.

That's not the life I want for Blondie. I want her to be happy, successful, and adored by her family. So I'm giving in. We're going to try medication and see if it helps.

Counselor #1

2008-02-18T13:38:00.002-06:00

I made an appointment with a counselor for Blondie. She starts next week, and then will go once a week. We were very blessed to find one that accepts Medicaid and is right in town and less than a mile from her school. I talked to her on on the phone for about 20 minutes today. I have some misgivings because she wasn't the warm-fuzzy type on the phone and she kept telling me that the behaviors I described were normal. I have three other children, and I know what is, and isn't, normal.

Anyway, we'll see if it works out. I have another reference a little farther away that also accepts Medicaid.

Bubbles is doing very well. Babygirl is home sick. Bucky is registering for high school next year.

Life marches on.

Rice Donations

2008-02-14T09:15:00.002-06:00

Here is a way to make free rice donations and check your vocabulary level:

www.freerice.com.

Check it out.

Also, we're going to get Blondie into counseling soon. She's not improving.

Mad at Her

2008-01-20T15:58:00.000-06:00

Blondie is making up lies about Bubbles...telling me that Bubbles did things she shouldn't, but she didn't. I was able to check with others who knew the truth (outside our family) on both occasions and verify what actually happened. Blondie did it twice last week, both Monday and Friday. On Monday it was because Blondie was going to bed early so she wanted Bubbles to have to go to bed too. Then on Friday I think it was because Bubbles was in the spelling bee and Blondie was jealous about the attention Bubbles got. This behavior is more sinister than before though. Usually she just tattles about something Bubbles actually did, but now she's making things up.

It makes me feel like I don't even like her. That is so awful, I know. But I find that behavior despicable. How can someone try to get someone they love in trouble like that, especially when aren't even mad at them, just feeling sorry for themselves?

She's destroying her credibility with me, which is bad on two counts. First, obviously, I already have less than no trust in her, and now she has just sunk to a new low. And if Bubbles actually does something and Blondie tells me, I probably won't even believe her.

I know I just need to get over it. Blondie is wearing me out. I drug out my book on "Adopting the Hurt Child" because I needed a refresher. I have to keep trying - it's just hard to scrape up any motivation when my feelings don't match what I know I need to do.

Who Should You Vote For?

2008-01-15T08:59:00.000-06:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm

I match best with Mike Huckabee.

So Much Harder Than I Thought

2008-01-13T21:52:00.001-06:00

When you go to training, they try to tell you what you are in for when you adopt older children. But really, I still wasn't prepared. They told us the horror stories, and I know that many people actually live through those, and they have my deepest sympathies. What I didn't know was how frustrating it would be to try and try and try and try, and still be almost at the same point where we started after over two years. It makes me feel helpless and want to give up. I talk and reason until I'm blue in the face, and I get ready assurances that they will do everything I suggest, but then nothing.

Blondie is failing fourth grade. She will not do her work. It's hard to tell how much she can/can't do. I have told her repeatedly to bring her work home with her and I will help her with it. She tells me she doesn't have homework. Her teacher says she does. She tells me that she turned it in right before she left for the day, in the latework folder, and that the teacher hasn't seen it yet. The next day the teacher tells me she doesn't have it. New week, repeat. New week, repeat. I explain to Blondie that she will fail fourth grade if she doesn't do her work. She cries and says she doesn't want to fail, and that she will do her work and bring it home for me to help her with. She doesn't. I'm at my wit's end.

Her teacher has started sending home her progress reports with Bubbles, because Blondie throws them away. The child is fighting every step of the way not to do her work. I know that she could do better if she would just try, even though I also know that the work is harder for her than the average child.

I asked Blondie what kind of reward I could offer her that would make her want to do her work. She said that she wanted me to come eat lunch with her and bring Sonic. I told her that I would be happy to do that if she brought home a report card or progress report with no failing grades. She was very excited and talked about it alot, but she DIDN'T DO HER WORK. She continued to lie and hide and throw away her work. I don't know if she doesn't care about failing, doesn't believe she'll actually fail, or just can't connect her consequences with her actions. It's hard for me to understand, because she certainly behaves when Boaz or I am around, so she knows about consequences. She also knows that the school can't give her any consequences that matter to her, so she does what she wants there.

She really likes Boaz. She loves to be outside, and so does he, so I'm trying to use that to our advantage. I'm going to start having Boaz talk more to her about school and her grades, and have him offer her some rewards and consequences. I think it might have more effect since she seems to prefer him. I don't know, but it's worth a shot. I'm down but not out. I'm still trying, I just have less hope of succeeding that I did in the beginning. It's like trying to move a mountain with a toothpick and I've got a very, very small pile of rubble to show for it after two years. And a broken toothpick and splinters. I'm thinking I'll reach old age before I get the mountain moved.

But the conclusion I have come to is this: I can't fix the broken things inside of her. Only God can do that. I am called to be her mother and do the best I can for her, and I will continue to do that. But I'm praying a lot harder and depending a lot less on my own abilities in the meantime. Boaz pointed out that this is probably how God feels about us sometimes: that we keep on and on doing the same dumb things, even though we know better. I'm so thankful that He doesn't get as frustrated with me as I do with Blondie! It helps me to put it all in perspective. She can't help the way she is. I'm not sure that I can either. It's all up to God.

Simple Solutions to Difficult Problems

2007-12-01T11:21:00.000-06:00

Did you know that Sonic has Happy Hour from 2-4pm each day? I didn't, but now I do! Blondie's behavior at school has been vastly improved due to a promise of a Friday afternoon slush if she has been good at school all week. She has received her slush two out of three weeks so far. Surprisingly, Bubbles has only received hers one out of three weeks, and she is usually so well behaved at school.

Field Trip

2007-11-06T11:04:00.000-06:00

Blondie brought home a permission slip for a field trip. It said on it that only students with an E or an S in conduct will get to go. So unless she changes her behavior at school, she won't be going. I signed it and showed it to her, and impressed upon her once again how important it is to mind the teachers and do what they say. She only thinks about what she wants to do right now, and doesn't think about the future. I hope that will be some incentive for her but sometimes I wonder if she is even capable of thinking that way at this stage of her development.

She Grew Another Inch

2007-11-02T11:31:00.000-05:00

Blondie is responding well to her growth hormone shots. Today we went to the doctor, and she has grown another inch in the last three months. She is finally taller than Bubbles who is younger than her by two years. She is in the 6th percentile for her age. It's such an improvement from when she used to be way below the charts. They did a bone age test last time, and that showed her expected adult height to be 5'2". That is really exciting.

Behavior wise, who knows. The child is very strong willed and traumatized on top of that so it's just going to take a long time. I keep telling myself that but it's a daily challenge to try to get through to her. We did have a good time today though. She almost always does well when she's with me.

October Update

2007-10-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

Due to circumstances beyond my control, homeschool didn't happen. I still believe it would be best for Blondie, but for now I can't do it.

She is in fourth grade and doing okay, other than her behavior problems. She still misbehaves whenever I'm not around. Instant consequences are the only kind that work for her, and typically school consequences are put off until later.

Bubbles has improved a lot. She tells the truth more often than she lies, and she is really trying to please us. She is more like a regular kid now with regular kid problems.

Blondie is a daily battle, but she does it with a smile! I can't complain about either of their attitudes. Blondie is sneaky and lies and disobeys, but she's always happy. Or at least she pretends to be. We haven't had as much success with her, but she is older and has been through more trauma. I still hope that we will eventually get through to her, and I believe we will. It has been encouraging to see the changes in Bubbles, and it gives me hope that Blondie will eventually come around too, it will just take longer.

For now my biggest struggle is in coming up with creative ways to give her consequences that fit her crimes. Yesterday I bought her a see-through backpack because of her sneaking things to school. It backfired on me a little bit because she thought it was cool and she couldn't wait to put her stuff in it, even though I bought the ugliest color they had. I told her that she had to carry it for a week and then she could have back her pretty pink one.

More later.

No Words for This

2007-08-28T08:13:00.000-05:00

It's a four minute video that's quite moving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Homeschool Decision

2007-06-05T08:21:00.000-05:00

After praying and talking to my husband, and various others, I have decided to homeschool Blondie. Most of the response I have gotten from others has been negative. They tell me that it will tie me down and I will lose my freedom. That is true. It's quite possible that I won't be able to attend BSF unless I switch to evenings instead of mornings. My husband really doesn't want me to go in the evenings and disrupt my time with him. But I decided that Blondie is more important than BSF, and I will give it up if I need to. BSF will still be there when I finish homeschooling her. When I prayed about it, after struggling with it for days on my own, I felt a great peace that this was the right thing to do.

I don't know how long it will be. It might be just for one year, or it might be the rest of her school career. I really don't know.

I found out from her teacher that she will be passing third grade. There was a question about it for a while. She has already repeated first grade, and if she were to fail again, she would be in the same grade as her sister who is two years younger. I couldn't let that happen, and so I was definitely going to homeschool in that case. But since she is passing, I have a choice.

Most people thought that I wouldn't homeschool now since I don't HAVE to. But there's more to it than that for me. The child is so emotionally messed up, to the point she almost doesn't have emotions. She's all happy, all the time. I'm sure that's what she thinks she has to do. I can see that Bubbles has more emotional reactions than Blondie. Bubbles is more attached than Blondie.

Blondie has a lower IQ. I think that she will be able to function normally in society, but it would be easy for not-nice people to take advantage of her. I think that she will learn more from me, one-on-one, than just barely scraping by with a busy teacher in the classroom.

She wasn't nurtured and cherished as a baby. Then Bubbles was born less than two years later, and I believe Blondie was pushed aside in favor of the baby. Blondie tries to be just like Bubbles. We have worked on it and it has improved, but she still thinks Bubbles is better than her and that she will get more attention and love if she copies Bubbles. I have also noticed that she is insecure around Bubbles. When we are working together on her homework, she will be doing okay, but if Bubbles comes to sit down and listen, suddenly Blondie can't focus or remember anything. And that is with Bubbles just sitting quietly and not even distracting her.

I feel like Blondie needs this year at home with me, just to be loved and cherished and have Mom all to herself all day. I hope that this will build her confidence in herself and allow her to feel important, and learn to give and receive love. I'm really choosing to do this more for that reason than for the education part of it, but I believe that it's worth it for that end of it too.

Those of you who are praying people, please pray for me that I will be able to be organized and keep up the pace, because this is a new endeavor for me. I went to Mardel and bought several workbooks to help me get going. I got math, spelling, language arts, phonics, reading, handwriting, social studies and science. I also plan to teach her piano, sewing, cooking and bible stories.

I really think it will be good for both of us. The next hurdle will be to notify the school that she won't be attending next year, though I'm not exactly sure how to do that.

Mama & The Birthday

2007-06-01T07:28:00.000-05:00

When Bubbles and Blondie moved in they immediately began calling us Mommy & Daddy. Being that they were already 8 & 6, we didn't know how they would feel about that, but it didn't seem to bother them a bit. My older kids call me Mom, Mama, Mommy and sometimes Bucky even calls me Mompo. He's 13, and he makes up cute names, like he calls my mom Grammy-Cakes. Too cute.

Anyway, Bubbles has started calling me Mama, quite regularly now for the past few days. I really like it. It's more personal and feels more affectionate. It warms my heart when I hear it.

Today I'm letting Blondie stay home from school to celebrate her birthday. I did the same thing on Babygirl's and Bubbles' last birthdays. We go out to eat and shopping and whatever strikes us as fun.

Gotta go get ready!

Fighting

2007-05-24T11:04:00.000-05:00

Bubbles came home Tuesday with a discipline referral from the principal's office for fighting. It said that she spit on and bit another student. Holy Cow! Not what I wanted to hear, and quite unexpected.

I asked her what happened. She told me that she was hanging upside down on the monkey bars and her shirt came up so she got down and fixed her shirt. But one of her friends came over and pulled her shirt back up, so she retaliated and pulled up the other girls shirt, and I guess they got into a scuffle and Bubbles spit on her and bit her.

We had a talk about what she should have done versus what she actually did, which I guess they had already done at school. Then I talked to her about how she might lose her friend if she treats her that way, and that if she continues that kind of behavior into adulthood, she might end up in jail. It's not ever okay to put your hands on someone else in a harmful manner.

I told her that I love her and that I have to discipline her in order to make her change, and she needed to understand how bad it is to harm another person. So she got four nights of going to bed early. I wasn't entirely satisfied with the punishment, but I couldn't think of what was a logical consequence for fighting. I guess going to bed early for four nights is a bit like jail (okay, maybe not) but maybe it will give her some time to really think about what she did.

Warning: Gross Post Ahead

2007-05-18T11:38:00.000-05:00

So to update over the past week:

Blondie tried to sneak a pair of sunglasses to school in her backpack. She was told after the ball on the bus incident that she couldn't take anything else to school with her this year. These were toy sunglasses by the way, and it was impossible to see through them and provided no eye protection. So anyway, I found them in her backpack. I asked her if there was anything in her backpack that shouldn't be there and she said no. So I asked her again if she was trying to sneak anything to school in her backpack and suddenly she says that she didn't put them in there, it's just that she threw them into the backpack area and they fell in there, but at this point I hadn't even mentioned the sunglasses. Yeah, okay.

And Bubbles came home one day with a note in her folder from her teacher, but also with a star next to it. Before she even showed it to me, she told me that it was so funny, that her teacher started writing a bad note in her folder until she realized it was Bubbles's folder, and then she put a star on it. But the note from the teacher wasn't scratched out, and there was no indication that the note was there by accident. So after some questioning, she admitted that the note was about her. She's quite devious.

Okay, here comes the gross part: Yesterday Boaz found a large gooey booger on the arm of the couch. Only Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles were in the room at the time of the incident. Boaz found it and went into full interrogation mode. No one wanted to claim it. I interjected that the cat had been lying there all day, and maybe it was possible it came from the cat. Boaz said he didn't think anything like that could come out of a cat. I didn't inspect the offending body excretion myself, so I can't say, but I was hoping that none of my kids would actually do that. The interrogation lasted for some time, and Bubbles eventually confessed that she leaned over the arm of the couch to throw something in the trash, and it "fell" out of her nose. At some point I lost it and started laughing, but I was trying so hard not to let it show. It was so gross but so funny for that very reason, and just the questioning "did you feel the booger come out of your nose" and "show me exactly what you were doing when the booger came out". It was unreal. I'm laughing right now just thinking of it.

Anyway...a day in the life of our family.

Some Hope

2007-05-15T07:25:00.000-05:00

Last night I saw a glimmer of hope. Or maybe it was a great big ray. Anyway, I found out that last Friday, Blondie got her ball taken up on the bus by the bus driver because it was rolling around on the floor of the bus. No one is allowed to have any toys out of their backpacks while they are on the bus, and my kids know that I expect them to follow the bus rules. In fact, if you have too many citations, you can get kicked off the bus completely. Anyway, she didn't tell us about it, but on Monday she asked for her ball back and one of her siblings heard her and told me. I didn't mention it until after Boaz got home, because I wanted her to do her homework and chores and help with dinner and not be upset.

We talked to her after dinner. We went in our room for privacy and Boaz asked her if she had done anything today at school or on the bus that we needed to know about. She said no. Then he asked her if there was anything from last week, and she told us about the ball incident. Boaz asked her why she didn't tell us and she said because she thought she would get in "big trouble". He asked her if she was trying to hide it or if she just forgot. She said she was trying to hide it.

Then Boaz asked what she thought would be the appropriate punishment, and she said she shouldn't get to go to her activity time on Wednesday night because she loves it so much. This was said with tears streaming down her face.

I was really impressed with her last night, because it is so different from how she used to be. First of all, she wouldn't have admitted anything happened on the bus, and would have called everyone else a liar, and it would have taken 15 minutes just to get her to admit what happened. She also would have taken the bait and said she "just forgot" to tell us when Boaz asked her that. She also would have said "I don't know" when asked what she thought her punishment would be.

I told her that she would not be allowed to take any more toys to school for the rest of the school year, which is what her punishment would have been if she had told me what happened in the first place. But since she tried to hide it, she also had to go to bed early one night. I told her that because she told the truth about everything, and was even brave enough to say that she should miss Wednesday night, that she could go to bed early on Tuesday night instead. She thanked me and we hugged and I told her that I was very proud of the progress she has made and that I can really see a difference in her. And it was true.

I hope it continues.

Has anyone ever played farkel? We played the last couple of nights and had a lot of fun. It's good for a big group with some smaller kids mixed in because the rules are pretty simple. You need six dice and the rules can be found online. We also like to play Crazy Eights and Old Maid.

Response

2007-05-13T20:38:00.000-05:00

I had a comment that said, "I would suggest giving some positive reinforcement as well - snuggling, and "I love you even if I can't trust you.""

Oh, we do that. They get hugs and kisses throughout the day, and when they get in trouble we always tell them that we still love them no matter what they do, and that we always will, and that there's nothing they could do to change that. They are very comfortable coming to me for affection and saying "I love you."

I can see why someone might think I don't do that, because I don't talk about it. I tend to talk about the things I'm struggling with, and affection and positive reinforcement aren't a problem. I tell them how proud I am of them for how far they have come and how much they have changed. I readily brag on them when I see good behavior. It's not a problem so I don't mention it here, but I probably should.

Does that make sense?

Over the last week, Bubbles memorized Psalm 1 and has been telling it to everyone who will listen. It's really sweet.

The girls were in a special Mother's Day program at church today, and they did a great job. Blondie was on the drama team and both she and Bubbles were on the sign language team and signed to the song "Word of God Speak" by Mercy Me. It was precious and I took pictures. See below.

They are the two in the middle.

Ups, Downs and a Bad Cat

2007-05-08T07:20:00.000-05:00

Blondie has been doing better the last couple of days. Bubbles has stayed out of trouble too, so we've had a nice, quiet break. But yesterday, Bucky decided to try his hand at disobedience. I was shocked and disappointed. He's now grounded from the phone and his video games for a week. He's usually such a good kid, so I think it's an aberration and hopefully he'll straighten back up. We had a talk with him about trust, and how if we can't trust him with the small things, we won't be able to trust him with the bigger things either. That boy can really pour on the charm after he gets in trouble. He was sweetness itself for the rest of the evening.

Our cat Joey really shouldn't reside in the house. He gets into everything. He opens doors, because we have the lever type. About two weeks ago, he got into the pantry and chewed into a Juicy Juice and spilled it all over the floor, and chewed through the bottom of a brand new bag of catfood and had a nice meal. Until we found him. He also tries to go outside. We have to lock the back door or he lets himself out, and he never closes the door behind himself. So then we have a missing cat or two and we're air conditioning the neighborhood. Fortunately they've never gotten farther than the inside of the garage before we find them, and usually they are crouched down and scared to death. If they are so scared, why do they go out there? Cats.

He also likes to swipe food and dishes off the table. This morning, with three people sitting and eating breakfast, he swiped at Bucky's bowl and managed to spill part of it on the floor. We usually push all the plates toward the middle of the table so he won't know they are up there but I guess we left one too close to the edge.

By the way he acts you'd think we don't feed him, but the fact is he's a bit overweight. I have to measure out his food or he'll get huge. He bullies both the other cats and tries to eat their food too. I know that cat belongs outside, and he knows he belongs outside. But Babygirl doesn't. If it wasn't for her, I'm sure he'd be out there by now.

We're going to change some of the door handles back to round ones. We tried adding some baby locks from Babies R Us, and they work but they are a pain. It's crazy the things we're having to do because of that cat.

She Just Won't Stop Lying

2007-05-05T09:22:00.000-05:00

Blondie got a stern talk and sent to bed early - even earlier than we had planned at first. We talked to her about the stealing, and Boaz thought she should miss out on all the Friday night fun, so she had a bowl of oatmeal and went to bed while the rest of us had a pancake supper followed by popcorn and movies.

You would think that she would wake up smart this morning with her tail between her legs, ready to obey and get out of trouble, right? No such thing. Boaz told her to stay in bed this morning until we called her downstairs. I came out of my room to find her on the stairs. I asked her why, and she said she heard me open the door and was coming down to see if we were up. Mind you, I had only taken four steps out of my bedroom to look up the stairs, and she sleeps in a top bunk. I said, "So you were able to get out of your top bunk, go across your room and get halfway down the stairs in the time it took me to take four steps?" and she said "YES". Huge sigh here. I told her to get back in bed and wait for one of us to come talk to her.

So I left to take Babygirl to take her SAT, and Boaz went to talk to Blondie. He asked her about getting out of bed before he told her she could and about lying to me. She told him she hadn't lied to me, even though Bubbles confirmed that Blondie was out of bed before I opened my door - all in front of Blondie. So even when she is caught and everyone knows it, she STILL tries to lie. How do you get through to a kid who will argue with you that the sky is orange?

Anyway, we're off to such a fun start today.

I'm taking Bubbles to the library to check out a book on weather. Boaz loves storms and so now Bubbles does too. When we get back, I'm taking Bucky to get a haircut, a new game for his handheld and some new shirts. He's been a great help around the house lately since Babygirl has been too busy with all her advanced schoolwork.

Stinky

2007-05-04T09:30:00.000-05:00

Blondie is the toughest nut to crack and I know it is because she has endured more. However there was a good sign the other day - she came home and asked if she could talk to me because she had been thinking about THEM. She refers to them by their first names. She almost never mentions them, and when she does it is just about some activity she participated in with bio-dad. Anyway, she told me about something bad they had done in front of her. I already knew this information, but I don't think she knew that I knew. Anyway, I assured her that we would never subject her to that, and she was safe here. I told her that if she has bad thoughts she should remember that nothing like that has ever happened here so she knows it won't. Then try to think about good things. I was very encouraged that she asked to talk to me about it.

Then she lies, disobeys, lies some more and steals something, and I'm discouraged again. She's going to bed an hour early tonight, 30 minutes early tomorrow night, and I'm not sure what to do about the stealing. I haven't even told Boaz yet because I only found out this morning.

Bubbles and Blondie both had an opportunity to lie to me last night, but Bubbles told the truth. Blondie lied. I made a point to talk about it with each of them, and talk about their consequences of making good and bad decisions. I showed Bubbles how by telling the truth she didn't receive a punishment and how Blondie lied and has to go to bed early Saturday night. I discussed the very same things with Blondie. I'm trying so hard to help them connect their consequences with their actions, so that maybe they'll begin to think before they act. Sometimes I think that Bubbles has an easier time and is making more progress, but then she'll turn around and do something so devious I'm just amazed.

On a different subject, Bubbles has body odor. This began when she was 7. As Boaz puts it, "she smells like an old man." He's right. Ugh. I mentioned it to the nurse at Blondie's doctor's office and she suggested that I take her to see her pediatrician. I haven't made an appointment yet. It concerns me, but it also could be that she is just hitting puberty a bit early. I don't know. It just kills me that I might have two with endocrine problems. I feel angry with their bio-mom.

Anyway, my 8 year old is now using deodorant.

Family Update

2007-05-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Boaz is doing well. His job is going well and he is in a training class for two weeks. He's actually on a normal schedule and it's nice to see him in the mornings and have him stay up until 9 or 10 pm with us.

Babygirl is working hard in school. She has many advanced classes, and is preparing to be a senior next year. She isn't ready for it and neither am I. She's too young to be grown up. I'm not ready. Oh wait, I just said that.

I'm very proud of Bucky. He is growing into a fun and responsible young man. He's made some choices that I am very proud of.

Blondie seems to be doing better in school. We'll find out this week when we get her report card. I haven't had any recent calls or notes from her teachers so I'm assuming she's behaving herself. She's still on growth hormone shots and has grown nearly five inches in a year. She still hasn't caught up with Bubbles but she's getting close. I think it would be wonderful if she actually got taller than Bubbles. It would do wonders for her self esteem. She gets picked on a lot for being so small.

It's hard to know how Bubbles is doing. I know that she really wants to be part of our family, but she's stil faking and doing what she thinks she is supposed to do, rather than just being herself. Maybe I'm guilty of that too. Maybe I'm being who I think I should be with her, rather than showing my true feelings. She's deceptive and sneaky, and that makes it hard for me to feel close to her.

I keep hoping they will open up to me, but so far no luck. Meanwhile, time marches on. I'm still working for the church doing the website and going to BSF on Wednesdays. The rest of the time I take kids to doctor's appointments and help kids with their homework and take people to music lessons. Bucky joined the middle school youth band at church and enjoys it.

I've tried and tried with the girls, and I feel defeated. I've been asking God to heal the broken places in them, because I'm at a loss. I've come up against a problem I can't solve. I know there is a lesson in this for me. I just pray that the girls will eventually learn what we are trying so hard to teach them, about love and honesty and treating others the way you'd like to be treated.

I'm heartsick over it at times, and numb at others.

I'll try to update more often.

Stealing Food and Failing School

2007-04-02T08:17:00.000-05:00

We've been under a bit of stress lately, as you might have a hint of from the title of this entry.

Last Monday, I received calls from both Bubbles' and Blondie's teachers. Let's start with Bubbles. Her teacher called to say that a boy's snack had disappeared from his cubbie hole out in the hall. Everyone in the class knew that he was looking for it. Then when snack time came, my little Bubbles pulled his snack out of her bag and began to eat it. When she was asked about it, she said, "oh, you said you were looking for a donut and this is a sausage roll" which was true, but nevertheless, she knew who she had taken it from and that he was looking for it. When her teacher asked her where she got it, she said she found it on the floor. Her teacher proceeded to tell her that we don't eat food that we found on the floor, and took it away and threw it in the trash. Then she sent her to talk to the counselor, and she insisted to the counselor that she found it on the floor. When the counselor told her teacher, the teacher rightly informed the counselor that the snack had not been on the floor, and Bubbles finally admitted that she took it from his cubby. I was a bit shocked by all this, because there hasn't been any food stealing at home. I assumed that it was a one time thing, and that maybe the embarrassment of it would cause her not to do it again, and that we would treat it as such for the time being. However, when confronted that evening, Bubbles admitted not only that she had stolen the snack, but that she had been stealing snacks from her friends all year long. Most people instantly think at this point, maybe I'm not sending her enough food. But she herself has asked me to send her less food because she can't eat it all. Now her teacher doesn't trust her and won't let her go out in the hall by herself anymore since that is where the cubbies are.

Sigh.

The second call was from Blondie's teacher. Blondie's last two report cards have dropped significantly, and she failed the reading portion of her state mandated test. She hasn't taken the math portion yet, but I will be pleasantly surprised if she passes it. Her teacher reported that Blondie isn't minding her, and is talking all the time. She had not been bringing me the notes that her teacher was sending home so she finally had to call. Her teacher put her at a table all by herself to try to curtail all the talking, and took away her recess for a week for not bringing me the notes. Her teacher also told me that Blondie doesn't do her homework. I asked if that meant she wasn't doing her work at school, or not bringing back her work from home, because she never has any homework. Ding ding ding!! Okay, she has homework almost every night, but wasn't bringing it home so I didn't know. We've also noticed that her retention is almost nil. We've worked and worked and worked with her on her multiplication facts, and each time she finally gets it, but if she leaves it and comes back it is gone, just like she's never seen it before. We've worked with her for weeks, and now we are finally seeing some progress, but I'm convinced that she can't learn at the same pace as the other students. I really wanted to keep her mainstreamed if possible, but now the teachers are doing all but telling me that she's going to fail third grade. I don't think that will help anything. So when I was talking with her teacher, I asked that she be tested to see if she qualifies for any services. I haven't heard anything yet, but it's only been a week. I'm considering homeschooling her...but I don't know yet.

Their behavior at home continues to be consistently good, except for lying every time they get in trouble. Otherwise they obey and play pretty nicely, as long as we are around. Our issues with them still revolve mainly around when we are not there, such as church, school, grandma's house, etc. We took an anniversary weekend and left all four kids with Grandpa, and Blondie drove him crazy, and wouldn't do anything he asked. When we got them back, he told me he didn't understand how we did it. I told him that if he provides no consequences, they will not mind. It's just how they are. They know that we will send them to bed early or put them in time out so they mind us.

Sometimes I get really frustrated, and my husband reminds me that we can't control their behavior. We can only teach them and provide consequences, and the rest is up to them. We can't be with them every minute, and we can't get in their heads and change their minds about things.

They are hard to love sometimes, and sometimes they are sweet and cuddly and easy to love. This is no easy road we have chosen.

Finally, Some Progress

2006-12-20T05:23:00.000-06:00

Things are changing around here. Bubbles in particular has been showing signs of real attachment. A year ago, she would exclaim that she loved me and want hugs and kisses, but there was no feeling behind it. It was more that she loved the mommy placeholder, and anyone in that place would receive the expected love actions. But now, I can feel a difference. She snuggles more and hugs longer and genuinely wants to sit by me. She follows me all over the house. She hurt her knee a couple of nights ago (while making an attempt to go where I was), then bravely held off crying until I got to her, when she let loose and bawled. It's just starting to feel so REAL. I don't feel like such a fake mommy anymore.

Blondie is trying too. It's harder for her, because she has more baggage from the past. It's harder for her to trust that I'm not leaving, ever. It's harder for her to emotionally connect with me because her birth mom had the first six years with her, and is most likely still the mommy of her heart. I can tell that Blondie wants to make a real connection with me, and that is different from before. I think she was just in survival mode before. That means she thinks she HAS to be nice to me so that I will feed her and take care of her and keep her. Obviously that isn't true, but she can't understand that.

I've begun to really appreciate some things about Blondie. She is very sweet and nurturing. I've seen it with animals and small children. She has an especially soft spot for children with special needs. Last night, for the first time, she was even nurturing to ME. I have a virus. I was lying on the couch, suffering with a low fever and just generally feeling terrible. She came over to me and felt my head and said, "Mommy I think you have fever! Can I get you some medicine?" She was genuinely concerned and was smoothing my hair and kissing my forehead. It was beyond sweet. Bucky got some medicine for me and Blondie brought it and a glass of water and then sat by me and obviously wanted to care for me.

Boaz has said before that our two youngest daughters are like little sponges, just soaking up all the love and attention they can get. It's only recently that I've begun to feel like they are trying to give back, and not just to make sure we'll keep them, but because they really care. I've been working hard to give them lots of praise lately, and they seem to be flowering from it.

On a side note, we are trying something new with their eating issues. Since day one, I've been trying to teach the girls what appropriate portion sizes are, just assuming that over time they will learn by example. But after a year, they are still gorging and begging for food when we aren't around. So based on some advice from someone who has worked with kids like mine for many years, we're taking a new tack. When we sit down to eat dinner, we will let them eat as much as they want. Gee, that sounds so normal. But with my girls, at least in the beginning, they would literally eat until they were in physical pain, to the point of tears. I felt like a terrible mother for allowing them to do that. I wanted to teach them good eating habits. But the theory is that I have to allow them to do this often enough that they will decide on their own not to overeat. I'm supposed to allow them to eat until they puke if that's what it takes.

Bubbles hasn't taken us up on it. I think the year of eating right-sized portions has actually had an effect on her. But since she was only four when she left her birth home, she probably didn't experience starvation to the same degree that Blondie did. Blondie has been eager to overeat and I've been letting her do it. It really bothers me and makes me feel like a bad mom. But I'm willing to give this a shot since a year of eating right hasn't cured her yet.

One Year Later

2006-11-10T08:09:00.000-06:00

Blondie and Bubbles came to live with us on November 11, 2005.

It's been a heck of a year.

We're still having a lot of ups and downs, with bad outweighing good. I haven't lost hope, not at all, but it's just tough when you're going through it.

Boaz and I are a good team. We support each other and are able to take over when one of us has had it up to here ^. We still fall into the trap of trying to find the magic pill that will make the behavior issues go away. Then again we realize that it's just going to take time, and us being consistent with our discipline. The things that worked on our birth kids don't work on our adopted kids. Our birth kids got their needs met. Our birth kids had the right inputs at the right developmental stages. Our birth kids think before they act, because they know there are consequences to their actions.

Our adopted kids don't think. Even when they know they are doing something wrong, they just don't think they will get caught. It's always worth the risk. They have no conscience whatsoever. They don't care if what they do hurts someone else. It's hard to teach that to someone.

People always exclaim over how happy and well adjusted the girls seem. But they have "acted" that way since day one. They don't ever open up and express their real feelings. Who knows what's going on in there?

My biggest fears are about the choices they will make in the future. How can I best prepare them? I tell them the same things I told my older kids, but it doesn't have the same effect. I think the only thing that will get through is years of consistency. But I'm so impatient. I want to see results. I'm a problem solver by nature, and I have a problem here I can't solve. I have to accept that the only thing I can do is love them and teach them and be here for them, and then let them go. But it's so hard. If they end up pregnant at 12 years old, I'll feel like it's my fault. If they end up strung out on drugs when they are teens, I'll feel like it's my fault. If they wind up in prison as adults, I'll always be wondering if there is anything else I could have done.

I know, I need to give it to God. I'm trying. I just want what's best for my little girls.

On another track, we're going out tomorrow to celebrate. We're having breakfast at a restaurant, and then heading to a museum, then we're going to the craft store to let each child pick an ornament to hang on the Christmas tree, then we are attending a cousin's birthday party. Tomorrow night Boaz and I are going to a wedding and Babygirl will be babysitting across the street. The three youngest kids will be spending the evening with Papa. The girls have been talking about the "one-year party" for weeks, since that is what we have labeled it. It isn't really a party in the usual sense, but for us it is, as we will be spending all day running around having fun.

Cinderella Cuts Loose

2006-10-31T09:08:00.000-06:00

At the Family Fun Fest Sunday night:

A Good Weekend

2006-10-30T07:58:00.000-06:00

Bucky had a great birthday. He said it was his best one ever. On Thursday night we surprised him with an electric guitar. He thought we were headed to dinner and then his guitar lesson, so we told him to go put the acoustic guitar in the trunk. We had already loaded the box with his electric guitar in the trunk so when he opened the trunk he just jumped back and then just kind of wandered back and forth looking in the trunk. It was so cute.

Then we took him out to dinner. Since Babygirl and Blondie were sick, they stayed home together while the rest of us went out for mexican food. At the restaurant, Boaz told the waiter that it was Bucky's birthday, which resulted in him flapping some takeout boxes and holding a little cone over his nose like a chicken. It was very funny and I got it on my digital camera.

Then Boaz and Bubbles went home and I took Bucky to his music lesson. Since Babygirl wasn't there, Bucky got the whole hour to himself and they dug into all the new stuff and his teacher had time to go over how to use the guitar and the amplifier and get him started on power chords. When we got home he kept playing it until I made him go to bed, and then when I got up the next morning he was waiting on the couch so he could start playing as soon as I got up. This is the same kid that I have trouble getting up each morning! He had already showered and was just quietly waiting to play his new guitar. Ha.

Friday night seven of his friends, three grandparents and two cousins came for his party. I made him a Ginger Macadamia Coconut Carrot cake with spelt flour from a vegan cookbook, the Vegan With a Vengence. It was great. Everything I've made from that cookbook is good. The boys played with their airsoft guns outside for most of the evening, and then I locked them in the house at 11:30pm and turned on the alarm. At 7am they were wanting out, so I turned off the alarm and headed into the kitchen to make some Macadamia Caramel Cinnamon rolls. Those were a hit too, I just didn't make enough of them.

All of the boys were gone by 10:30am and we made Bucky go to bed. He insisted that he wasn't tired and wouldn't be able to sleep and he didn't want to go to bed, until Boaz threatened to paddle him and he grumpily obeyed. Thirty minutes later when I checked on him he was sound asleep and he didn't get up until around 3pm.

My FIL came over in the afternoon and helped us plant pansies around the front porch. Boaz brought dirt from the garden with his tractor, and FIL, Blondie, Bubbles and I raked dirt and spaced out the plants. After the plants were in the ground and mulched, I headed into the garage and dusted off a box of solar lights that I bought a couple of years ago. Blondie offered to help and so together we assembled and placed the lights around the porch too. It looks pretty cute. It still doesn't compare with most of the manicured, paid-gardener pampered yards in our neighborhood, but it's much improved.

That night we went to the annual neighborhood Halloween party. There was a hayride and potluck dinner and it was fun. Babygirl was still sick and had to miss out. The ride was too long and a bit cold, but we still had a pretty good time. Believe it or not, we don't know most of the people in our neighborhood. You'd think it'd be different in a gated neighborhood, but we only get together once a year, and different people come different years.

On Sunday after church Bucky wanted to spend some of his birthday money on Nintendo DS games, so he and I went off together to Best Buy. When we got home, Bubbles told me in a happy voice that the turtle died and then she ran off to play. This was a painful blow, especially in the way that the news was delivered. Boaz had told her not to tell Babygirl, but didn't realize I would be home so soon, and didn't tell her not to tell me. He wanted to be the one to tell me, because we've had the turtle for ten years and knew it would be somewhat upsetting news. It's hard to get too attached to a water turtle, but they really become a friend over the years in their own way. I think it's mostly just because she's seven that she didn't really get that I would be upset by what she was telling me.

We also found out this weekend that Bubbles is equally guilty in the food begging at school. I noticed that she was starting to get thick around the middle in her clothes so I weighed her, and she has gained five or six pounds since school started. Sigh. Both girls will tell you that they are still hungry and don't have enough food if you ask, yet they are gaining weight at an alarming speed. They have each added ten percent to their body weight. Four and five pounds doesn't seem like a lot, and it isn't for an adult, but it's a lot for a kid, especially when they haven't grown enough to make up for it.

I've found that I have to watch over them and control their portions at every meal. On the few occasions I've let them eat as much as they wanted, they ate until they were in physical pain and nearly crying. They just have no control. People look at me like I'm some kind of monster when I tell the girls they've had enough and can't have any more and they are saying they are still hungry. But all you have to do is look at them to see they aren't underfed. They are healthy and happy, they just have food issues. Whenever they are away from me, they eat everything they can get their hands on. We did great over the summer, and they were even starting to say they were "full" which was a major milestone. But I guess they just can't help themselves when they are surrounded by so much food every day, and with just a bit of bullying and begging they can have it.

I called the school secretary this morning, and for now the plan is this: If the lunchroom attendants see the girls eating anything that isn't theirs, they will have to sit at the "bad" table for a week. I don't know what the correct term for this table is now, but it was called the "silent" table when I was a kid. They will also give me a call when they see this behavior. I hope this will help curb the girls from this constant begging. I know it can't possibly be making them popular with their friends. I wouldn't like somebody who begged for my food every day and I'm sure their friends don't like it either.

The nice thing is that the secretary tried to encourage me by telling me how much the girls have changed over the last year, and how their manners are wonderful and how they just seem to be flourishing under our care. I see that too. They have made so many changes and they have held up so well. Bubbles is witty and loves to laugh and have fun. Blondie is so sweet natured and helpful. She is willing to give away some or all of what she has to anyone who doesn't have one/some. Things are even starting to feel more "normal". I'm not sure how to explain that one, but it feels more natural than it did. Real emotions are starting to grow in place of the plastic feelings we all had in the beginning.

The main problem is with their being disobedient when we aren't there. If we can ever conquer that one, I don't think I'll have anything else to complain about.

Family Clinic?

2006-10-26T10:50:00.000-05:00

So now I have two patients. Blondie has a cough and a sore throat so I had to go pick her up at school. Anyone else feeling bad? The couch and the loveseat are taken, but I can make you a pallet on the floor.

Good grief. It looks like the attendance list for Bucky's birthday dinner tonight is rapidly shrinking.

Happy Birthday Little Man

2006-10-26T09:20:00.000-05:00

My son turns thirteen today. He's such a great kid. He's sensitive and loving and all boy. He has invited nine kids over for a sleep over tomorrow night. I'm hoping some of them won't come, but you never know. If I end up with ten twelve and thirteen year olds stomping through the house, I may get my gray hair a bit early.

His big surprise today when he gets home is an electric guitar. He has no idea. He's been begging for one for weeks but I've let him know that we can't afford one and that he'll have to save his money. However, I actually found a good deal at the warehouse store that included an amplifier, so I went for it. I made a deal with him long ago that if he took lessons on my acoustic guitar and learned to play it well, I'd buy him an electric one. He's fulfilled his part of the bargain, so now I'm fulfilling mine. He's going to flip when he sees it.

The only bad thing is, Babygirl woke up sick this morning. There's a stomach virus going around all the schools and Bucky just got over it. Babygirl is in a choir concert tonight and has her first real solo that is a whole song, and now it looks like she'll miss it. I had the wonderful experience of cleaning spew off the wall this morning, because she couldn't get the toilet lid up in time. Nice. That wall might need to be repainted.

Too Many Cats

2006-10-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

There are two too many cats in my house. The one in the middle is my baby. The one on the right is Babygirl's baby, Joey. He's rotten. He's the one that can open doors, and taught Gabriel how to do it too (my baby).

We recently added one more cat to the mix. This was completely unintentional on my part. I rescued a kitten that was dumped at our church, and brought her home with the intention of keeping her inside until she was big enough to be outside with the other cats. BUT my son Bucky took one look at her and fell totally in love and she immediately became HIS cat. So Sophie has joined the list of indoor cats, but we're through, we're full, completely and totally and absolutely no more cats are joining our household! Is that clear??! I don't even feel alone anymore when I'm home alone.

But they're so cute.

Almost a Year

2006-10-24T11:06:00.000-05:00

I think that my little ones are having some sort of emotional reaction to the fact that we are coming up on their one year anniversary of living with us. Both have started misbehaving more than usual. More disobedience, more lying. Or are we just catching them more? I don't know, but suddenly things seem harder in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it's because we are starting to form real attachments and it's scary for them. Or maybe THAT's just my wishful thinking.

I can feel myself starting to think they are cuter, and starting to feel warmer toward them. It's amazing the cycle of emotions I have gone through. When they first came and we were honeymooning, I was crazy about them. I was fiercely protective and 110% of my attention was focused on their every need. As that began to wear off, I became weary of them and their behavior. I could tell that all their attention toward me was fake, and a lot of mine toward them was too.

Then I started to get really disgusted with myself, because really, if I can't love them the way no one ever truly has, and be the mom that they really need, then who will? So I've kept praying and trying, and my feelings for them are growing daily.

Blondie doesn't like to wash her hair. We had a big issue over this a couple of weeks ago, where I could tell her hair was still dirty and it didn't smell like the watermelon shampoo that she uses. So she started telling me that she just didn't get all the shampoo out, as usual, but finally I was catching on. The kid hasn't been washing her hair very often. So then she tried to tell me that she didn't use enough shampoo, only a pea sized drop. I told her that trying to say she used a tiny amount was no better than just not doing it, and to quit trying to wiggle out of it. She kept it up for 15 to 20 minutes before she finally admitted the truth. She got spanked and sent to bed early that night, and I thought that would be the end of it.

But no, on Sunday morning, she decided again not to wash her hair. As I was drying it, I noticed that it was limp and lifeless and just stuck to her head. I smelled it and it was stinky. So I got down on eye level with her and asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. She immediately confessed that she hadn't washed her hair.

After church Boaz decided that he would help Blondie want to wash her hair. HE washed it. Having Daddy wash her hair was none too pleasant, so hopefully Blondie has changed her mind and will wash it on her own from now on. It did smell fresh and watermelon-y this morning.

Then later in the day when she was loading the dishwasher, she broke a glass. Now this is not a problem, because accidents happen. In fact, she has broken a glass before and didn't get into trouble. So she should have known it would be okay. But instead of telling me, she tried to pick up all the broken glass and hide it in the trashcan. I found out later it was because she had been trying to force it into a space that was too small and it broke. We had a serious discussion with her about how dangerous it is to touch broken glass, and that she might not have found it all and someone else could get hurt too, and that an adult is really needed when glass gets broken in the house. Then we sent her to her room for a while, and when I was finishing loading the dishwasher I found more glass in there. SIGH.

Bubbles got in trouble too because she saw Blondie break the glass and didn't tell anyone. Then yesterday Bubbles came home and let me know that Blondie is eating mayonnaise packets at school. Evidently she ate so many at one point that the lunch lady told her not to eat any more mayo. But that lady recently quit, so Blondie attacked the mayo again yesterday.

Sometimes I want to just give in and believe it's a lost cause. Is anything we're doing getting through to her? Or are we just providing food and shelter until she's 18 and then she'll just go out on her own and return to her old way of life? It's very disheartening at times. But then sometimes she'll be honest about things, and she sees that she doesn't get in trouble, and I think that we've gotten past it, and then suddenly she does it again. This lying thing is a very hard thing to break, and so are food issues, and convincing her to wipe her bottom and wash her hair. I really think we've conquered the wiping thing, but you never know.

I still believe that we'll get through to her and that she'll have a good life, and that I won't regret this ten years from now, but it's hard when you're still in the trenches.

Bubbles is so much easier. She has problems too, but she's so much easier to redirect. I'm sure that it's because we got her at a younger age. So the human side of me wants to say, never adopt a child over six, but I know that's wrong. Every single child out there deserves another chance. You just have to be the right person in the right situation to do it. I'm thankful that we got Blondie and Bubbles and that their problems are no worse than they are. I just wish I had that magic pill to feed them that would make them listen to me and obey me. It's going to take lots of time, and I haven't always been a very patient person in some matters. I'm sure that's one of the lessons God is teaching me as I go through all this.

If you're a praying person, would you please pray for Blondie and Bubbles and Boaz and me? Pray that God would open their ears and eyes to the truth around them, and pray that God would give wisdom and discernment to Boaz and me as we parent them, and finally that He would help us all to grow in real love for each other. And if you don't mind, throw a prayer in there for Babygirl and Bucky too. It's hard on them too.

Successes and Trials

2006-10-17T21:25:00.000-05:00

First the good news, and to me it is really, really good:

I took Blondie to the doctor today for a check up. As you may remember, she is on growth hormone shots. Well, she has grown an inch in three months. Hooray! She is now nine and a half years old, and is 46.5 inches tall. She only grew 1.5 centimeters from January to July, but then grew 3.3 centimeters from July to October. Since we started the shots in May, I'd say they are definitely working.

The bad news is that she is begging her friends for food at lunch time. I may have mentioned this last year, but I'm not going to go back and search my blogs to see. Anyway, her lunch companions complained about her last year and her teacher sent me a note. I send her plenty of good food that she says she likes, but she just can't seem to stop begging her friends. I was really hoping that it wouldn't be an issue this year.

We figured it out two ways. One is that her tummy is starting to round over again. Both girls were a bit chubby when they first moved in with us, and our social worker called it the "foster pudge" or something like that. Anyway, since moving in with us and getting off medication and tons of sweets, they have slimmed down and look really nice.

Now Blondie has gained four pounds in the six weeks since school started. Considering she only weighed 44 pounds to start with, that's a lot, and not a good thing if she keeps up this rate of weight gain. So I called her teacher and alerted her to the problem, hoping that she can encourage the other children to tell Blondie no when she begs for food. She just doesn't need it. Yes, she does have food issues, for good reason. It's a very difficult thing to help her with. She doesn't sneak any food at home or overeat at home. She's doing it all when I'm not around so it's impossible for me to control. Big sigh.

She's also been telling the boys at school that she "loves" them. The poor thing has been moved so much, and everyone says "I love you" until she has no idea what love even is. We asked her yesterday what love was, and she said it was when you hug and kiss someone. I asked her if that meant that if I went across the street and gave our neighbor a hug and kiss that would mean that I loved him? and she said yes, it did. Whoa. Boaz and I had a heart to heart talk with her and tried our best to explain that love comes from the heart and we don't just feel it for anyone and everyone. And that it has also probably made the little third grade boys at school uncomfortable when she was shouting "I love you" as they ignored her and walked away.

Sometimes I think this is bigger than I am. It's just hard. I don't know how to get through to her. It was so much easier with Babygirl. She believes what I tell her, takes it to heart and puts it into practice. Blondie doesn't believe what I say, or just doesn't care. I give her instructions, and then I think things are settled, because that's the way it always worked before. But then weeks later I find out she's doing the exact opposite of what I told her. Just like the shower gel in her hair. I don't know if she'll really stop following the boys saying "I love you" just because I told her it was a bad idea. I just don't know.

I care about her, I want the best for her, I love her, I want to help her. But it just won't work unless she cooperates. She has to make the decision whether to follow what I tell her or ignore it. I still think that time will make the difference and someday she'll probably trust me and listen to me. I'm just discouraged right now.

Sorry it's been so long...

2006-10-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

We're just busy living.

I'm still a stay-at-home mom, although it feels like as busy as ever. The big, huge difference is that I'm happy. I'm very, very happy. I frequently call Boaz just to thank him for supporting my decision to stay home and take care of my family full time.

In the meantime, I've joined BSF, started volunteering at a local charity, and I'm now working part-time for my church (ten hours a week) doing the website. I love it. Being busy doing the things you love is a million times better than being busy doing something you hate. I don't care for being a part of corporate America. I'm really enjoying my freedom to choose what I do all day.

Typically I have Mondays and Fridays off (which means paying bills, cleaning house, making bread and soymilk). On Tuesdays I will be volunteering and having my weekly work meeting at the church. On Wednesdays I have BSF, followed by lunch with friends, followed by my weekly grocery shopping. On Thursdays I have a bible study time on the phone with my best friend at 1pm, and I'm trying to get a little coffee time going with my cousin who lives close by on Thursday mornings.

Mornings and evenings are crazy. I get up, make four breakfasts and four lunches and pick out clothes and keep kids moving until they are out the door an hour later. My oldest leaves an hour after the three younger ones, but she is responsible enough to get herself out the door.

The evenings are so busy. I'm making dinner when the three youngest get home, and then it's chaos and homework and everyone telling me about their day. Then usually someone has to be taken somewhere, sometimes more than one trip to town. One evening I actually have to drive into town FIVE times taking people here and there.

But I love it.

Boaz works long hours and is suffering from allergies right now. He's tired a lot, and only has a couple of hours with us in the evenings before heading for bed. So the majority of the homework help and running around falls to me. But hey, I volunteered for this and I'm totally in my element. It's like it's what I was born to do. It feels so RIGHT.

We are all adjusting well to being a family. There's still lots of room for improvement, but then, any situation is like that. My little ones seem just like regular kids, as far as their behavior goes. They have come so far in the eleven months we've had them. People comment to me on how much the girls have changed since they came to live with us. One woman who is about to adopt three said she was greatly encouraged by watching my two over the past year, and thinking that if I can do that much with a couple of kids, she can too. You know, that it's possible and all that.

My greatest desire at this point is still about the bonding. I don't know how long that will take. I wish that the major deep feelings were there on both sides, but right now it's still more like they are really good friends who live with us, rather than our actual children. Kind of like cherished nieces and nephews or something, but maybe not even as close as that. We are friendly and affectionate to each other, but it's not really deep yet. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it happen, but we won't be able to be close until they choose to let me be close to them. I can tell that they really still don't trust me yet, and until they do things probably won't change. It just all takes time. There were let down in such an immense way by their birth parents, that I'm sure it will take a very long time for them to truly realize that we are different.

Anyway, we're doing well, and I thought I'd let you know.

A Tribute to a Great Woman

2006-09-08T07:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow we will meet together to celebrate the life of a great woman. She was my mother-in-law. She was a second mother to me. She put all other MIL's in the world to shame.

From the day we said "I do" she never stopped supporting our marriage, or supporting me. She told me what a blessing I was to her family, how happy she was that I was in her family, and that she loved me like I was her own. From her actions over the years, I know that she meant every word.

When Boaz and I needed time away from the kids early in our marriage, she was there. Whenever I was sick and needed some help, she was there. When I needed a listening ear or a shopping companion, she was there. She was always there.

When I decided to go back to college, she showed up faithfully every Saturday morning to take the kids for a few hours so I could study. When we decided to build a new house, twice, she was there, taking pictures and taking part in our happiness. When I graduated from college, she was there, bringing me gifts and going out to celebrate.

She never missed a birthday party. She never missed an opportunity to share of herself. To be around her was to be encouraged and uplifted. I loved her so much and I miss her so much. I was never able to give back to her as much as she gave to me. But in honor of her I know there is one thing I can do, one thing that she would love for me to do. Someday, when I'm a mother-in-law, I want to be just like her.

Telephone

2006-09-03T06:26:00.000-05:00

Last night we had a hilarious time playing Telephone. Have any of you ever played it? It works like this: Someone thinks of a sentence or two, and whispers it in the ear of the person next to them. From there it is a passed to each member of the group, and then said aloud by the last person. I mentioned it casually while we were eating dinner, and Bucky asked if we could play it right now. We all agreed and the fun got started. It was hilarious. It was the most I've laughed in a long time. Sometimes just the looks on my children's faces as they heard the message, obviously having been jumbled, and then trying to stop laughing long enough to repeat it to the next person. Some examples: "Pink flamingos have big feet and long pretty eyelashes" was shortened to "Big booger noses" and another that I don't remember the original to ended up as "Your ears are ugly and your bottom is saggy". We had a blast. If you have kids that are old enough, you should really try it. It helps to have a couple of little ones thrown in to really mess things up. :~)

Life is really settling into something resembling our former family life, only bigger. The girls are almost as obedient as my older kids. The biggest difficulty discipline-wise continues to be when they are away from us, such as at school and on the bus. My older kids are accepting the girls more as part of our family and resenting them less. I've stopped beating myself up about my feelings and have accepted that it will take time and that we are in quite normal stages of the process. It just can't be hurried, no matter how hard I try.

Over time, Bubbles and Blondie's unique personalities are starting to really show through. Both girls are very helpful. Blondie wants to be wherever you are, doing whatever you are doing. She always wants to help. Bubbles wants to help too, but she is content to work alone on her tasks, and she frequently just picks up the broom to sweep without being told to, and she spent two hours washing dishes because she wanted to and asked if she could. I had to restrain myself from "helping" her, because she was so slow and I could have probably had it done in thirty minutes. (We had quite a stack of dishes leftover that don't fit in the dishwasher). She plodded along and I actually had to make her stop so we could eat dinner. I was really impressed and told her so more than once.

Both girls are little sweethearts. Their hugs and kisses have become more "real". I don't know the best way to explain it, but they melt into me more now. They aren't stiff and just going through the motions. Hugs last longer, and they sense my moods and know when I need one. It's really sweet. They have both also started to really admire their big sister. They like to be around her, spend time with her and give her hugs. It took several months before it became genuine, but I can see now that the relationship is growing on both sides.

Bucky doesn't complain about them anymore. He plays games with them and chases them around the house. He doesn't get so jealous when he sees me interacting with them. It's become a normal, everyday thing for him to see and he doesn't feel so threatened.

I can look back now and see how far we have come. It's a wonderful thing. It just takes TIME.

On the Right Track

2006-08-17T06:39:00.000-05:00

I've had some time since my last blog to talk to my husband, my eldest daughter and my sister-in-law, who is also a social worker. I got reassurance from the first and last, and a good listening ear from my daughter. She turned 16 last week and she is a delight to have in my life. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a daughter, but thank you, God.

I have also received reassurance from an unexpected and unsolicited source. Bubbles herself.

One day, while making dinner, Bubbles announced, "Mommy, I just don't know how to thank you enough." I asked, "For what, honey?" She said, "For giving me such a nice place to live and for loving me." I felt my throat getting tight, and I hugged her and told her she deserved every bit of it.

Another day, Boaz had to work on a Saturday, so he wasn't there when Blondie and Bubbles got up and they were disappointed. Blondie stated, "It's not as fun when Daddy isn't here." Bubbles agreed. Then Blondie said, "Daddy is the fun one." Bubbles then said, "But Mommy is special too. Mommy is the love one." It was very humbling and encouraging to hear that Bubbles sees me that way, when I feel I don't spend enough time loving them. It made me feel that I might be doing a bit better than I thought. On the other hand, maybe it's just that their former life was so terrible that even the small bit I do is volumes more than they got before.

I had a long talk with Boaz about my feelings and guilt and (to my way of thinking) shortcomings. He was quick to tell me that I'm too hard on myself. He said that it was unrealistic to think that I would love Blondie and Bubbles with the same depth and intensity as I love my birth children after only nine months with them. He also pointed out that we love every person in our lives a different way, and it may never be exactly the same, but still very good. He told me that I should talk to him more instead of "guilting myself to death". I guess he's right. I still think I should do more though. I can't help it. I'm a mom, and it comes with the territory to beat yourself up and think you are never good enough, right?

Yesterday my sister-in-law called. What a dose of reality! I told her all about my concerns over the girls' emotional states, such as them always being "happy", or at least pretending that they are. She told me that what I was describing was very common, and would take years to overcome. She said that nine months is really not long compared to how long and how horribly they were treated in their birth home. She said they probably learned that was the best way to navigate through life, and it will be a long time before they feel safe to express their true emotions, and it may take some coaching on my part to help them get in touch with their feelings. She said there are some good books for teaching kids about feelings too.

I talked to her about how I thought it would have been easier if I didn't have birth children when I adopted them. She told me that she thought the benefits really outweighed my concerns. She said that sibling relationships are real relationships too, and they are easier for abused kids. The parent-child relationships typically hold much more baggage and are more difficult for them. She said we are also modelling healthy parent-child relationships through them watching us with our birth children.

I told her about how I take one of them with me when I go out to do my grocery shopping, and she thought it was a great idea. She said that just doing regular things together is good. She said that sitting down one on one having heavy, emotional fraught interactions wouldn't be beneficial very often. And here I was thinking I haven't been doing that enough. I've been worried a bit that they haven't opened up more, but she seems to think we're right on track. There were a couple of things she suggested that I've actually already done.

I also talked to Babygirl a few days back, and we discussed how Bubbles really looks up to her. We also discussed how crabby she is with both the little ones, and she admitted that she was. She said that before we adopted them she had something different in mind than what she got. She said she understands now that it wasn't realistic. Then yesterday I noticed her being much nicer and friendlier to them. It was very refreshing.

She also said that she can't even remember when they weren't here. Wow.

Mostly I've learned that I'm going to have to be patient and it will just take a lot of time. I do love them. I think I was just expecting too much too soon, both of myself and of them.

On a lighter note, school starts in two weeks, and I've been getting their wardrobes ready. It's a bit more difficult now that I have four. I always wanted four kids when I was growing up as an only child. Be careful what you wish for....just kidding.

As for me, I'll be starting a small part-time job working at home doing the website for my church, probably next week. I'll also be starting BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) in September and I'll be volunteering at a local charity once a week. It's my dream life. Thank you, God.

Still Not Satisfied With Myself

2006-07-19T07:41:00.000-05:00

I'm still disappointed in my own behavior. Some things have gotten better, but some things are still quite lacking. My relationship with Babygirl has improved immensely since "the talk". She's been hanging around me much more, talking and cuddling up to me.

One of the things the kids do is to fight over who gets to sit next to me at breakfast/lunch/dinner. They came up with a plan that Bubbles sits by me at breakfast, Blondie gets me at lunch and Bucky gets me at dinner. That wasn't really fair at first because they were still in school at the time, so they weren't here at lunch and I almost never eat breakfast. I didn't buck their system though because they all seemed okay with it, and if I had tried to have them all taking turns at dinner Bucky would have had a total meltdown. Now if you notice, I said nothing about Babygirl in this schedule. She didn't demand a spot. She's always been quietly unselfish, hiding her own needs and pretending everything is okay. Recently she claimed a spot next to me at lunch. During breakfast and lunch there are two spots available next to me, and at dinner one spot is claimed by Boaz.

Now for my feelings on all of this. It feels so crazy to be fought over. It feels okay for them to all want to sit by me, but I'm not sure what their motivation is. At times I really feel that it's more about their competition with each other, rather than a true want to be close to me. I know that for Bucky it's about security and possessiveness. He really doesn't want to share me. He does well with playing with Blondie and Bubbles, and they really have a good time. But when it comes to me, he gets very jealous.

So now I think I've swung too far to the other side. I've been trying to fix the problems with my bios and make them more comfortable, and I think I've been neglecting Blondie and Bubbles a bit. Maybe neglect isn't the right word. It's just that I haven't been able to spend much one-on-one time with them. They are certainly fed and bathed and treated kindly and disciplined and tucked in at night, but not much more. So part of the problem right now is that I've been taking care of the squeaky wheels only. Blondie and Bubbles play together or with Bucky, go outside to pet the cats and hang out like real members of the family. But they don't complain about me not spending time with them. They always act like everything is perfectly fine. I know that it's not, and it can't be, and I have talked with each of them separately about not pretending, and being available to hear whatever feelings they are having.

Then last weekend, we went to the river to go floating. When we got out, there were a million people there, all smoking, drinking, cussing and being loud. (We had to wait there for the bus to take us back to our cars.) I noticed that Bubbles got very quiet and hung her head for nearly the entire time. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she just said she was hungry. Even though I put my arm around her and kept her close to me and asked her frequently if she was really okay, she kept saying she was fine. When we got back to the house, I made a point to get her alone and talk to her about it. I asked her if being around those other people reminded her of anything. She said no. I asked if it reminded her of being around her bio parents. She said no. She said that when she lived with her bios she "had a blast". Whoa, nelly. I know that's not true. I asked her what it was like, and she said that she colored with crayons and watched movies on TV. FYI - that is what she does at our house. Another time she told me that when she lived with her bios, the daddy went to work and the kids rode the bus to school. Again, that is describing our house, NOT the bios. I gently told her that what she said wasn't true, and she was describing our house. I told her about what she had said before about riding the bus, and she claimed she never said that. She wanted to know WHEN she said that. I've heard about kids being in denial about their past and what it was like to live with their bio parents, and then suddenly there it was. It has to be so hard for her. She was very small when she left them, so she probably doesn't even remember what it was really like. She even told me once a few weeks ago that it would have been better there if CPS had let her go back, because her bio parents were going to change, they promised her they would. It's just so heartbreaking. All this time she's just been thinking that the bios just needed another chance. Never mind the fact that they didn't do their training or change their behavior or even show up to court. I used the opportunity to explain to her that the reason she didn't go back to them is because they didn't change, and they weren't going to, and that's why CPS decided to take them away permanently. But the girls don't believe what I say.

For example, Blondie was using shower gel in her hair. I told her not to, and that shampoo goes in hair, not shower gel. She continued to do it for weeks. I couldn't figure out why her hair was so lifeless and almost gluey. Finally she confessed about the shower gel, when it seemed I was ready to do a full investigation. I asked her why she continued to put it in her hair after I told her not to, and she said she didn't believe me that it mattered. Sigh. She also didn't believe me when I told her that the million dollar bill that her friend brought to school and showed her WASN'T REAL. She went right off to tell Boaz about it. He also told her it wasn't real, and it was obvious from her face that she didn't believe either one of us. I'm really just not used to this. My bios have almost hero-worshipped me from birth, they believe every word I tell them and come to me for answers I don't even have. I sort of expected that it would be the same way with Blondie and Bubbles. I can see now that was unrealistic. They believe NOTHING we say. They pretend to, but then they go off and do whatever they want. It's surprising and frustrating for them not to believe the simple things I tell them about life. When will that change? How can I raise them right if they don't believe a word I say?

Anyway, back to the feelings thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm making too much of it. I know it all takes time. But when will my feelings for them grow to where I want them to be? I certainly care for them. It's just not the same thing I feel for my bios. I really think if I didn't have the bios, I would feel more for Blondie and Bubbles. I could be wrong there, since I haven't experienced it both ways. It's just that I feel the difference, and I don't want there to BE a difference, but there just IS. It's not fair to my littles ones. They've already been through so much, and it's just not fair for me not to love them the way they need.

I have noticed that when I do spend time alone with them, my softer feelings for them come to the fore. It's just that it's few and far between. I really need to work on that. But then there's that complication of my bios' jealousy. This balancing act is killing me.

I'm continuing to pray that God will give me an agape love for them, just like the way He loves them. I know it will happen eventually, but I'm impatient. I really didn't expect this. I guess it was very unrealistic, but I thought my feelings for them would be the same as I have for my bios by now.

Thinking of Gawdessness

2006-07-01T06:30:00.000-05:00

I can relate to so many of her feelings right now. Especially the one about Turtle Girl. During the process of bringing the new girls home, the attitudes and feelings of my biological children was the hardest on me. Even my stalwart oldest daughter who had been gung-ho about the adoption from the first, was looking at me like her life had just been destroyed, and my son was looking at me with tears welling in his eyes. I think it's the hardest on the baby of the family. Then again, my oldest was just hiding and swallowing her feelings on it until recently.

This adoption thing is a HUGE sacrifice. Yes, I knew that going in, and yes, they all warned me, but it's bigger than you expect. I'd still do it all over again, but I would attend to my biological children's needs in the beginning a little better than I did. In the swirl of trying to incorporate the new kids and make them feel comfortable, I expected my bios to just understand and wait a few weeks to have me close again. I think it hurt them more than I knew. They felt pushed aside and replaced. I had two mild anxiety attacks the week we brought them home. Both of them were caused by my feelings for my bios.

Babygirl has been acting out in anger, suddenly, in the past few months. It is unlike her. After the third episode, which involved hitting her brother, I sat with her in her room for a couple of hours, trying to understand what was going on. I know that anger comes from hurt, so I was very concerned to find out how she was hurting.

And it was all about me.

Even as a working mom that was run ragged, I have always put my children first. Babygirl and Bucky have always known I was there for them, RIGHT THERE, any time they needed me. All Babygirl had to do was walk in with a sad face, and she could reasonably expect her mom to drop literally everything until she’d had a chance to let it all out and be comforted/advised/whatever. Then Blondie and Bubbles moved in, and suddenly, Babygirl had to wait her turn, and it didn’t go over well at all. She complained several times a day in those first few weeks that I wasn’t listening to her. I tried to tell her that she needed to wait until she had my attention before she started talking. She’s never had to do that before. She felt replaced.
She made a comment in the first few weeks about trying to need me less, and praying for God to help her need me less. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, and I didn’t pursue it. So it grew. And it finally erupted.

I had a long, tearful conversation with her in which she again said that she was trying not to need me, and had been doing so ever since the girls moved in. I responded to her that she would always need me and to just stop trying not to. I assured her that I’m as much here for her now as I’ve always been. I told her that she’ll need me when she gets married and when she has a baby. I told her that girls always need their mothers, and it never goes away. I’m 37 years old and there are still times when I need my mother.

Bringing home new kids is so freaking hard. So much bigger than I understood. Because suddenly you have these two new kids who are just two black holes of need, but then your bios suddenly have bigger needs than ever before too. As an adult you expect them to understand like you do, that the extra attention you are giving the new kids will even out as they adjust and become part of the family, but they don’t. They feel deserted, replaced and forgotten. At least if you do it the way I did. Though in retrospect, I don’t know how I physically could have done it better. I was working full time and suddenly had four kids and I only had about three hours, sometimes two, to spend with them, and that included eating, homework, baths, etc. Spending any time with Boaz was out of the question completely.

Then on top of that, both Boaz and I were at our wits’ end trying to discipline the younger kids. We were supremely frustrated with the results of the discipline tools we were allowed to use. Time-out worked slightly, at best. Looking back, I just think the problem was bigger than I was, but somehome I muddled through. Quitting my job was the best thing I could have done, family-wise, but financially it isn’t so hot. That money thing will still have to be attended to soon, but in the family sense we are doing SO much better. I’m much more aware of my bios now, very similar to before the little girls came. And I’m able to spend more quality time with the little ones. And even Boaz has gotten some attention. :)

But here I was, thinking everything was better, when suddenly Babygirl has the fallout. I think/hope/pray that we are on the way to recovery with her. I think we reconnected. I stayed up late with her every night this week while Bucky was gone watching favorite movies and eating popcorn and cuddling. I’ve tried to be more purposeful about paying attention to her. I’ve tried so hard not to play favorites with my bios in the past several months, but maybe I overdid it.

This whole thing is very, very, very hard. But I still believe it’s the right thing to do. And I believe that because I think in time we will all be bonded as a family, and our little daughters will become the beautiful young women God created them to be, and my bios will see that they haven’t lost their mom, and I will be the better for having answered God’s call and made the necessary sacrifices. If it never got any better than it was those first few weeks, then I would tell everyone who already has kids to not even consider adopting. But we're getting better, day by day. I don't know what the future holds, but I haven't given up hope.

And some day we just might do it again. But the nice thing about it will be that our eyes will be wide open, and it won’t be like getting hit by a freight train again.

Response

2006-06-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've heard your cries for relief, so I'll blog today.

Tamara asked if there were any fun stories or warm fuzzies, and there are. For instance, two nights ago Blondie left the water running, and Boaz wanted to talk to her about it. He asked her if she knew where the water came from before it got in the house. She said it came from the lake and he said no. Then she said it came from the well, and he told her that was right. Then he asked her if she knew what a well was....can you guess what she said....she said it was a big fish. HAHAHA Okay, that stopped us all for a while. Both my little ones tend to pronounce things like tail as "tell" and whale as "well". Boaz probed a bit more and Blondie told him she thought that the water came from a whale in the ocean, very far away, and the water we get comes from his spout. That's so funny I can barely type it.

We proceeded to teach her what a well really is.

As for warm fuzzies, I really experienced a good one a couple of days ago. I finally sat down and created my control journal, ala flylady.net, and the first thing on the list every day is bible study. I showed this journal to Boaz, and he loved that we were all doing bible study together every morning. I corrected him and told him no, that only referred to ME doing MY bible study. He felt that it should be all of us. I raised my eyebrows but agreed to it. The warm fuzzy came the next day as I sat at the kitchen table with my three daughters (my son is away at camp this week). As we all opened our bibles and began to quietly read, I was struck by how sweet it was. What a wonderful way to start our morning! My husband makes a lot more sense than I think he does...

What's on my mind...I've been reading a blog of a woman who has two children and is about to adopt two more. It's the most similar to my own situation of any I've found, so I'm intensely interested. One of the things she brought up was attachment disorders, which I've heard of. However, she obviously has read some things or heard some things I haven't, because she mentioned not hugging the little girl back when the girl gave her a hug. I was confused and thought that sounded a bit cold. But then I gave it more thought. My little ones have been giving me hugs and saying "I love you" since the very first day. I've been doing the same thing. But in doing so, have I confused them? Do they really have any idea what love truly is? Bubbles says every day, many times a day, "I love you Mommy" to which I reply "I love you too Sweetheart" to which she replies "I love you more!" and I reply "I don't know about that." It's a game, said in a sing-song voice, always the same way. If I answer anything different than usual, I can tell it bothers her. It's comforting to her that I always reply the same way. But since I've been thinking about it, I've realized that she never just comes up for a hug and seriously says, "I love you."

I think I'm finally getting to the meat of what disturbs me. My two little ones show affection, but that is all it is, a show. There isn't any warmth to it. They are mimicking what they see. If one of them comes to me for a hug, and the other one sees it, they are right there making sure they get one too. It's a competition for attention, but not for love. I mean, I know that love is what they truly want but they don't even know what they are trying to get, because they are so young and they've never experienced true love before. Can anyone follow what I'm trying to say? My relationships with them feel empty. I'm teaching them grammar and pronunciation and math and manners and respect...but am I teaching them love? If I am it is just through my daily living, and it isn't something purposeful. I mean I'm showing them affection and telling them I love them, but am I missing something or leaving something out? Should I be doing something different? Or do I just need to be patient and realize that it will all take time? I don't know.

I do think that with Bucky gone this week, it has given Babygirl a better change to bond with Blondie and Bubbles. Normally the little ones spend most of their time playing with Bucky. He's closer to their age and enjoys playing video games with them. I got a nice warm fuzzy Tuesday night while I heard Babygirl showing the girls how to give a "sister kiss" which was to press their cheeks together and go "mwah" (insert kiss sound here). Then she picked up one on her back and one on her front, and that was so cute I had to take a picture.

She really has spent more quality time with them this week. I hate when one of my children is gone, but it also allows some bonding time with the members of the family that are still at home.
You could also say a prayer for our finances. We currently have two empty rent houses and another that we just had to evict today. I hope God sends some paying tenants soon.

Oh, and one other warm fuzzy....Ninety-nine percent of the time Blondie and Bubbles call me Mommy, but very, very occasionally they call me Mama, and I love it. I can't explain why I like it so much, it's just more personal or warm or something.

Just for Funsies...

2006-06-10T07:32:00.000-05:00

1. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your father's side, your favorite candy): Lucile Heath

2. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name followed by izzle", first two or three letters of your last name follwowed by "dizzle"): Sizzle Cadizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Cat

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your name- last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name repeated twice): Sunris Gab Gab

5. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive): The Red Sienna

The Truth?

2006-06-09T07:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got a comment from QueenBee asking me how I'm doing.

I've been mulling over my answer. Which answer should I give? The good one, the bad one, or both?

It's hard to bond with them. I've done a lot of thinking about it, trying to discover "why". I've done a lot of praying about it, asking God to give me the agape love for them that He has for them.

The truth is, it isn't the way I expected it to be or the way I wanted it to be. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I would be stronger and more able to rise above my feelings than I have been.

Here's what I think: When I gave birth, I had little helpless innocent babies who needed me 100% of the time. We spent endless hours together, nonstop, with me taking care of their every need, and them learning to depend on me to be there.

It isn't, and can't be, like that with older kids. They don't need or even want you 100% of the time. It's hard to view them as innocent while they lie and disobey at every turn. Of course I can see the big picture, and I know WHY they are the way they are. But try living with the lying and disobedience, minute by minute by minute, for the last seven months.

A big part of the frustration is not knowing the truth. They fuss and argue every time they are alone, and then they run to us to tattle, each with a completely different story of what happened. How do you discipline that? One of them, or more likely both, was being selfish and disrespectful. We question them, and their stories change each time they tell it. At times I want to pull out my hair, and I ask myself why on earth I ever wanted to do this. But would I ever want to send them away? Not in a million years.

I've found that I really like them the best when I have them one at a time. They are no fun when they are together, but very sweet when they are on their own. It's made me regret taking a sibling group just a bit. They do bring the awful family dynamics from their former home with them. And other things that I can't/won't even discuss here.

How am I doing? I'm disappointed, hopeful, and trying to just be patient.

I'm hanging onto Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (and in the song it ends with "Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.")

I have to trust that God called me to this, and know that only with His help will I be able to be successful in the job He has called me to.

Adopted

2006-05-20T04:45:00.000-05:00

The adoption went off without a hitch. In fact, we were the first in line at 1pm. I'm going to break my privacy streak and post some pictures. These will be removed in a day or two so be sure to comment and let me know when you've seen them. I want to be sure that my longtime blog friends have had a chance to see how beautiful my children looked.

Here is a picture of the courthouse that I took while we were waiting to get started:

And here is a picture of my beautiful children:

And here is one of me fighting back tears as we stand before the judge promising to be legally and morally responsible for our new daughters:
And here is one with the judge, our first as a "forever family":

And finally, here is the one that I plan to put in the engraved frame that our social worker so kindly gifted me with after the proceedings:

Note: Pictures have been removed to preserve our privacy. If you wish to see the pictures, leave your email address on the comments and I might send some to you. ;)

Adoption Day Prep

2006-05-19T10:30:00.000-05:00

We've had a good morning so far. Because it's adoption day, I let the girls stay home from school today. Babygirl and Bucky both went to school for half days because they have test preparations for the end of school and for fun day. I didn't have to make any lunches because we are heading to Cici's to celebrate after the adoption is final. Then Bucky has a slumber party tonight. We almost didn't let him go, but then he probably would have been moping around all night, and that wouldn't be a very good start for us as a family, with him being resentful and Blondie and Bubbles seeing how clearly unhappy he was.

This morning when I woke up the girls, Blondie tattled on Bubbles. Bubbles lied. I took her in another room instead of making a big ordeal of it in front of everyone. I explained to her that when people lie to each other, they build a wall between them that is full of lies. I told her that when she lies to me it proves to me that she doesn't trust me, and it also proves to me that I can't trust her. I told her that wasn't a good way to start out our adoption day. She immediately confessed. I think that is showing improvement. When she got up on Mother's Day, she told me that she was going to break the bad streak and be good all day for me, and she did. She hasn't done anything blogworthy since. :) Blondie had a bad day on Monday, and her teacher wrote a whole book about it in her folder. She had to write sentences and go to bed early that night, and she's had several little outbursts this week, but all in all nothing terrible.

Bucky woke up quiet and staring out the window several times this morning. I spoke to him a couple of times and he didn't respond until I repeated myself. I could tell something was wrong. He didn't want to tell me. I took him in another room and pressed the issue. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if something had happened the night before, because he talks on the phone to his friends a lot at night. I was having trouble figuring him out, because usually he is bouncing off the walls when he is headed to a slumber party. Then it struck me. Today is adoption day, and maybe that was bothering him. When he came down the stairs, I was seated between Blondie and Bubbles having breakfast, and he always wants to sit next to me at the table. Normally I don't even eat breakfast, but since today is a special day I was making the effort and I'm sure he noticed.

Anyway, he admitted that he was upset because of adoption day. I had mixed feelings. I want him to welcome the girls with open arms, but clearly that is not what he is feeling today. My heart also went out to him because I know it is hard to go from being the baby of the family for twelve years to having two troublesome little sisters. Babygirl and Bucky have both remarked that they don't even like coming home anymore because the girls cause so much trouble.

I reassured Bucky that we will always love him just as much as we always have, and that he isn't losing anything. In fact I have more time to spend with him now than I ever have since I've been staying home. I told him that if we hadn't adopted the girls I'd still be working and he'd still have a lot less time with me than he does now.

After we talked he perked up. I asked him to please keep any gloominess to himself for the sake of the girls, because they just don't need to see that. He said that of course he would.

Blondie and Bubbles and I have been getting ready to go see the judge. We're freshly showered, hair dried, and toenails and fingernails painted this morning. I'm getting ready now and I'm going to curl the girls' hair when I'm finished. The camera battery is charging and the girls are playing Mario Kart on the Gamecube.

Boaz went to work this morning and is going to meet us at the courthouse. It's gonna be a great day.

Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles

2006-05-13T21:48:00.000-05:00

Today she took my flylady timer (www.flylady.net) and buried it in a bucket of compost to be used on the garden. I saw it when I dumped the bucket in the cucumber patch. As I cleaned the dirt off of it, I asked her why she did it, and she said she had just wanted to play with it.

I think she's having some issues with the adoption right around the corner. I've heard that kids will frequently act out right before the finalization because they want you to prove that no matter how bad they act, you still love them and want them.

I talked to her and told her the very same (that I love her and she is my daughter forever no matter what), and then she had to write sentences and go to bed early. I really hope she straightens up soon.

Why Oh Why

2006-05-12T14:10:00.000-05:00

Bubbles had just finished her sentences last night. She was helping put away clothes and we were having a great time. We were getting dinner ready, and planning to play Mario Cart and do some bible drills after supper. Blondie was working to finish her sentences so she could participate too.

Bubbles was playing with a little doll toy, and I asked her to go put it away in her room. Then as she was putting away some clothes, I felt the urge to go and check her folder. When I looked in her backpack, I found the little doll toy I'd asked her to put away not five minutes ago. The problem with it being in her backpack is twofold. First of all, I asked her to put it away in her room and she didn't do it. Secondly, and more important, she was grounded from taking any toys to school for the rest of the year because she gets in trouble at school with the toys she brings.

I decided to give her a chance to tell the truth. I called her to come to me, and I pointedly asked her what she did with the little doll. She told me that she put it away. I asked her where, and she said she took it upstairs and put it in her room. I pressed for more details and she said she put it under her bed. Her backpack was downstairs.

So then I asked her how it got in her backpack if she took it upstairs and put it under her bed in her room. She said, "Oh.....um.....well, I think I meant to put it on the floor." Then she said, "Well, I thought I put it in my room" and then "I was trying to put it on the floor". Finally after I continued to press her, she told me that she put it in her backpack because she was trying to sneak it to school, which of course I already knew.

Ironically, our church is working on obedience for the theme of the month. I'm really glad, because we really need it! Bubbles had to have a sandwich and go to bed early for that outright disobedience.

Fast forward to this morning. I went upstairs to wake up the girls and choose their clothes for the day. Blondie's shirt had been crammed between the clothes with no hanger, on her side of the closet. I questioned Blondie about it and I could tell that she was genuinely puzzled, or at least it really seemed like she was. However, both girls lie to me every day, so it can be really hard to tell. I looked over at Bubbles where she was waiting and she looked me right in the eye with a very serious face and said she didn't do it. Something on her face told me she was lying, but I couldn't be completely sure.

Today was field day at school. I told the girls that whoever put the shirt in the closet that way just needed to tell me so that we could move on about our day. However, we were going to stand there until they told me. Blondie started to cry and kept protesting her innocence. Bubbles stood quietly with no expression and never said a word. I told the girls that time was passing and that we needed to have breakfast and baths and wouldn't have time for everything if we didn't get past this. I told them if we kept it up, we would even miss field day. We continued to stand there for ten minutes or so, with me explaining that it was just a shirt that wasn't hung up in the closet, and that there was nothing to fear from me. Finally, I decided to take it downstairs. We went down in the kitchen and I started making lunches for my kids. After a full twenty minutes or so, Bubbles finally confessed. She told me that she had taken Blondie's shirt off the hanger, and stuck it back in the clothes in order to get Blondie in trouble.

I immediately released Blondie so that she could run up and get a shower before school. I had a long discussion with Bubbles about her choices, and the consequences of her choices.

It is so disappointing to see a child already in trouble not learning from her consequences, and just continuing to do things that will get her in more trouble. She's such a sweet little girl, very loving and happy, but she really has trouble with obedience. And now, sadly, I am aware that she is willing to sabottage her sister.

I just feel so defeated sometimes. What does it take to get her to understand that her life will be so much easier and better when she stops fighting us?

Just Ten More Days

2006-05-09T18:12:00.000-05:00

You would think that after nearly six months in our home the girls would truly feel like ours. In a way they do, but the fact is that they still belong to the state of Texas right now. We're still being watched to make sure we are taking good care of them, and still being told what we can and can't do in regard to them. It didn't bother me as much in the beginning, but as time goes on and we have really begun to bond as a family, I just want the state out of our lives.

For instance, I haven't taken the girls to therapy since I've had them. I really intended to in the beginning. I even made the appointment. But then because of some weird state laws, we didn't have their Medicaid coverage for the month of December and their therapist didn't accept our regular insurance. So I decided to wait until January. But then we were busy and the girls were doing fine and not having any serious issues. It just wasn't a top priority. I kept meaning to do it and just didn't. So then somehow we got all the way to April getting gentle reminders from our social worker that a visit to the therapist might be helpful (not because she saw any behaviors that worried her, but just because ALL foster kids need constant therapy in her opinion). Finally it came down to the last visit in our home, and I still hadn't taken the girls to see their therapist. After all this time of doing well and not seeing any issues or behaviors that needed addressing, I had pretty much decided that taking them to therapy was unnecessary.

But our social worker disagreed. She called me the next day and said that she had discussed it with her supervisor and they both insisted that I get the girls to therapy before the adoption. That put a little bee in my bonnet. Not because I'm deadset against therapy, but just because I feel that I know the girls better than she does after living with them for six months, and I didn't feel like we needed to go. However, rather than cause a lot of trouble, I just agreed to take them in. My SIL recommends that you choose what hill you want to die on, and this one wasn't it for me.

So I took them to see their therapist to discuss their feelings on the upcoming adoption. Their therapist told me that she could see positive changes in their behavior since she had last seen them six months ago. She said that it was much easier to calm them down, and that they settled down as soon as she asked them to, versus having to ask them over and over like she used to. She also said that she could tell they were sharing and treating each other more respectfully than they had in the past. It was also her opinion that they were not in need of therapy at this time and that we were doing a great job with them.

I felt vindicated. My judgment wasn't off. I took them in because the agency insisted. I didn't want to do anything that might have jeopardized the adoption when we are so close to being finished. In the future, I have no problem taking them to therapy as problems arise. My problem with the whole thing was just in having the decision taken out of my hands. I really am capable of caring effectively for these children.

In ten more days those babies will really be ours, and I think I'll be able to open that last final frontier of my heart that has been waiting for closure. It's really hard for me to love them wholeheartedly with the threat (however minute) that someone could decide to take them away. I'm just so excited to finally close that gap and bond my family together permanently.

May 19th

2006-05-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

We have a date. On May 19 at 1pm we will legally become Blondie and Bubbles forever parents. We are actually eligible to adopt them as soon as May 11, but our county courthouse has a special "adoption day" each month, which features balloons, teddie bears, cookies and punch, so we opted to participate in that. Otherwise you might end up with a divorce just before and after your case, and that isn't so pleasant.

I can't believe we are so close. How has six months gone by so quickly? The girls are so entrenched in our lives that it's hard to remember when they weren't here. The only thing that is still hard for me is when I tell people that I have four kids, and I get the inevitable raised eyebrows. One woman, a stranger, even looked my children over and said, "so are you finished now?" It's amazing the way people kind of look down on you for having so many children. The defensive part of me wants to say, "I adopted two of them, silly" but then that would somehow agree with the idiocy of their opinion that I shouldn't have had so many children. I don't get those looks when I only have three of them with me, but people turn up their noses like we're white trash when I have all four of them. Okay, not everybody, but enough that I notice.

I never realized before that it was socially inappropriate to have four children. LOL. And the really funny thing is that people treat us like saints if they know that we adopted them. When I walk through church holding their hands, people watch us go by with ear splitting grins. It's wonderful the way the whole church has basically adopted them with us, but I'm certainly not deserving of the praise they heap on me. We have brought home two precious angels to live with us, even if they do act more like little devils at times. They've come a long way since they moved in.

Anyway, a new countdown is underway. We have eighteen days to go.

Hmmm

2006-04-19T08:46:00.000-05:00

I guess I don't understand. From the responses I've gotten, some as comments and some directly to my email, people seem to think I should discourage my son from telling me about Blondie or Bubble's behavior. There is no triad going on with my son, Bubbles and me. There are six of us in this family. My son is just as likely to tell us about Blondie or Bubbles, and he is just as likely to tell my husband or me. If my oldest daughter did something dangerous or stupid, he'd tell us about that too. We expect him to. We have encouraged him to. We should all be looking out for each other's welfare. That said, we have also discouraged him from tattling about every little thing. There are many things he has told us that we have ignored or told him that those were little things that didn't mean much. We don't expect him to know what is a big thing or what is small, so we just let him tell us everything he feels is important and we decide from there.

I really thought that bullying was a big deal, but evidently you guys don't. All you could see was that my son was doing something wrong. Well, I disagree. If one of my children is acting in a threatening manner toward a much smaller child, I need to be told. If one of my children is throwing things off the bus that could cause injury to a person or damage to a vehicle, I need to be told. If one of my children is standing up on the bus, and could be hurt if the bus comes to a sudden stop, I need to be told. I will not discourage my son or any of my children from telling me about harmful behavior.

Incidentally, my son tells us in private about these things.

Bullies?

2006-04-17T09:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have some idea how to tell my children how to deal with bullies.

But what do you do when YOUR child is the bully?

Yesterday at church, Bubbles got in the face of a 4 year old child (Bubbles is 7) and angrily told her to "get away" because Bubbles wanted the seat that the 4 year old was headed for. She slammed her bible down in the chair and then leaned over the little girl in a menacing way until the girl left, clearly upset. My son witnessed the exchange and reported it right after church.

We made her write sentences, but I doubt that will have much affect. Does anybody have any advice for this situation?

Easter Preparations

2006-04-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

With two younger children in the house this year, it was time to decorate Easter eggs and to craft a couple of new Easter baskets. Everyone had fun. We're headed to an Easter picnic this afternoon, and then we have lots of family joining us at our house tomorrow for Easter lunch. We'll be having lots of fun hunting Easter eggs!

Getting Better

2006-04-05T08:43:00.000-05:00

I took Bucky to the doctor Monday and she gave him steroids, antibiotics and some decongestant. By sheer force of will (his and mine) he stayed at school all day yesterday. He had to take his inhaler with him to school today, just in case, because he woke up wheezing this morning. He only has asthma when he gets sick, so normally he never needs an inhaler.

Today, I'm on my own again. I finally got the taxes done. I want to get into a routine, at least for the dishes, laundry and making dinner. I have other projects I need to work on, like making/fixing the curtains, gardening, etc. I've decided to go see my grandmother today. I wanted to go last week but I couldn't. I have to get some groceries today, so I'm combining trips to save gas.

Blondie and Bubbles both got in trouble at school on Monday. They came home and told me, and so they each had to write 25 sentences about behaving in school before they could do anything else. Bubbles had sentences left over from the day before, because she colored with sidewalk chalk on the back porch instead of the driveway, even though I told her not to. Then she told Boaz that she didn't remember she wasn't supposed to. That is her standard response to try to get out of trouble, "I forgot" or "I didn't hear you" even when she actually responded at the time. Anyway, she finally finished all her sentences last night.

Our social worker told me that CPS doesn't allow pointless punishments like moving objects from one place to another and then back again, but they do allow things like picking up trash. We have used that punishment when the girls are caught littering, but I like to make the consequences be related to the misbehavior, and it's really hard to do that sometimes. She said that CPS allows sentences, and recommended that we use that. We've been using it, but I don't like it much. And I don't see how it has a point either. I guess it does improve their handwriting, maybe, and it sort of constitutes a long time out.

I'm so proud of the improvements they have both made. Bubbles almost never wets the bed anymore. This is a remarkable improvement from when she arrived on two bedwetting medications and still wetting the bed five nights out of seven. Now neither girl is on any medication, and they don't need any. We have been working on their speech and grammar, and that is making big improvements too. My only struggle there is that Boaz thinks they sound "cute" and fusses at Babygirl when he hears her correcting them. It may be cute for seven and eight year olds not to be able to say "gargle" and "each other" so that it comes out "goggle" and "eashother" but it won't be cute when they are applying for jobs. They have to learn, and the younger they are the easier it will be. This is evidenced by the fact that the younger one, Bubbles, has already made more improvement than Blondie. I attribute this completely to the difference in their ages. Blondie has had longer to form bad habits.

God willing, I'll be home with all of them this summer. I hope to get Blondie and Bubbles a jump start on their school work next year. They've been behind due to no one working with them, but I've already seen a lot of improvement. Blondie could barely spell anything when she came to me in November, and couldn't even repeat the letters back to me right after saying them once. Now, she can run through a list of 20 words and get 16 or 17 of them right the first time, and be spelling the other three or four in about five minutes of working with her. It's amazing how much kids change when they have love and attention and feel secure.

This morning Bubbles told me that after God, she loved me more than anyone in the whole world. She's really a sweet little girl and very complimentary and willing to share. Blondie is a willing helper and loves to be right by your side, helping with whatever you are doing, especially if it is outside. It's so heartwarming to see her most days walking with Boaz out in the yard, watering the trees and other things. She's also a tough little thing. I'm glad she's not squeamish because we'd have a very hard time otherwise with the upcoming shots. She knows the shots will help her grow, and she asks frequently when we are going to start, because she is eager to get bigger.

I'm in a much better frame of mind than I was last week. I was sick last week too, through everything that happened, so that didn't help either. I want to relax and believe that I'm really going to be able to stay home and not go back to work, but right now I'm not really believing it I guess. We really don't have enough money, so I'm going to have to find a way to help out in that area. I just don't want to go back full time. My kids need me, and I need to take care of them. I'm not happy when I don't feel that I'm fulfilling their needs adequately. I still feel like I have so much to do.

So I'd better end this post and get started....

So It's Been A Week So Far

2006-04-03T08:12:00.000-05:00

People keep asking me how it's going being a SAHM. Honestly, the first week was awful, but I guess that depends on your expectations. My expectations were different than how it went.

Blondie did stay home with me on Friday. She was sick through the weekend. The bright spot was last Saturday when I went to see my new baby cousin in the hospital. It was my cousin's first baby, and the love in her eyes for the baby really touched me. The maternal instinct is strong and takes over quickly. :)

The week started out okay on Monday. The social worker was scheduled to visit at 4:30 and Blondie had an appointment to find out if she will be on growth hormone shots at 2:45. I rushed around straightening the house and doing dishes. Then I put in a call to the social worker because I was afraid we wouldn't be home before she got here. She called back and we rescheduled the appointment for Tuesday. So I stopped cleaning house and made supper instead. I talked to my best friend and we went over our lessons for our bible study while I chopped onions.

I took Blondie to the doctor and found out that her growth hormone level is so low that she will probably need to take the shots for the rest of her life. Most people get to stop when they are 16. She is scheduled for an MRI next week, and the shots will probably start in about three weeks. The doctor said that the insurance company takes that over from here, and they will send someone to our house with the medication and teach me how to give the shots. It is possible that Boaz will be the one to give her the shot each night, because he used to give himself allergy shots and is less squeamish about the whole thing. I could do it, but I'll gladly step aside if he is willing. :)

On Tuesday, Bucky got sick. I had to pick him up early from school. Bucky has already missed 15 days of school this year, and can only miss 18 days if he wants to pass sixth grade. Fortunately he was there for homeroom and wasn't counted absent. He didn't get well. I had to pick him up right after homeroom every day last week. I'm going to take him to the doctor today. If he doesn't have strep then I'm going to ask them to give him a steroid shot. Usually I hate that type of thing, but the kid isn't getting well. He is weak and has a sore throat. It started out with a stomachache, and he is now congested and just generally feels bad. He has had fever, but it's never been over 99.5. I think it's just some kind of weird virus that won't go away.

On Wednesday night, Bubbles reported a loud noise coming from the garage. Bucky went to check, and it turns out that a pipe had broken and water was pouring into the garage. Boaz ran out and turned it off. We didn't have the necessary equipment to fix it right then. So we took the kids to church, except Bucky who was sick and stayed home, and Boaz went to the hardware store while I checked the kids in. We ate dinner and took the kids home. When we got there with the right parts, Boaz realized that his glue was dried up. Yea! So now we were looking at an entire day without water on Thursday until Boaz could pick up some glue on the way home from work. Yea! Can you tell how excited I was about not having water in the house?

Babygirl, Blondie and Bubbles had to go without baths on Thursday. Fortunately I had one Wednesday, but the girls had theirs on Tuesday. Bucky never bathes anyway...okay, he does, but let's just say bathing isn't high on the priority list for him. I have to harass him to get him clean regularly.

Early Thursday morning I was out at the faucet that comes off the well, filling buckets to bring water into the house. We had to have it to be able to flush the toilets. I won't give the details of the toilet ordeals, but let's just say it wasn't fun. We couldn't even wash our hands much. I would pour some water into the sink and use the stopper, and then everyone would wash in the same water. Eww. You never know what a blessing it is to have running water in your house until you don't have it.

Guess what! Boaz got asked to work late on Thursday! Yea! That meant that the water situation would continue until late that night. Finally, he got home at 9pm and fixed the broken pipe. I was worn out and unhappy about how my first week had gone, and I was really hoping for a nice day on Friday. Then Boaz checked the messages on the phone and there was one from the church secretary asking me to help out at the church on Friday morning. After a big sigh, I decided that I would do it. I thought maybe God was testing me to see if I would really put him first even after a week like I had just had.

So Friday I went up to church and played receptionist. Of course, I had to take a short break to go pick up Bucky from school. There was a loveseat in the church office, and he was able to rest on it and play his Nintendo DS. I also got to eat lunch with a good friend who works at the church, and that was very nice.

I had a pretty good weekend. Babygirl, Bubbles and I planted tomatoes, peppers, corn and flowers while Boaz rode on his tractor, Bucky played games in the house, and Blondie wrote sentences.

Blondie had a very bad day on Friday. She brought home a note from her teacher stating they had had a rough day and that Blondie had been very argumentative with her. Blondie also brought home a sandwich that wasn't hers and tried to hide it from me. We have received complaints from her teacher that she begs other kids for food, so she has been told that she is not allowed to take any food from other kids. I asked Blondie to bring me her backpack so that we could get rid of all the old papers and such, and she removed the sandwich and the part of her lunch that she hadn't eated and left it in the dining room. I happened to walk into the kitchen for something, and I heard a bag rattling in the dining room. I went to check, and there was our cat, Joey, enjoying a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. I knew immediately from both the color of the ziploc bag and the white bread that it didn't come from our home. I asked both girls about it, and both denied that it was theirs, and then Blondie started babbling that it belonged to her friend, but she had no idea how it ended up in her bag, blah, blah, blah. Suddenly I heard rattling again! This time Joey was happily enjoying an orange slice and some cherry tomatoes that Blondie didn't eat.

I called my SIL who is a social worker for advice. Obviously if Blondie is bringing food home, I'm sending enough food in her lunch. So I don't think I need to send m0re food. On the other hand, I don't want to send less food until she doesn't have enough and that increases her need to ask others for their food. My SIL suggested that I ask her each day what fruit she would like and how much of it.

Boaz decided that since Blondie wanted the sandwich so bad that she brought it home, then she had to eat it. We cut off the parts that Joey had nibbled, and Blondie got to eat it while we had homemade burritos. She said that it wasn't very good because it didn't have any jelly on it, and the peanut butter didn't taste as good as ours. She also said that she doesn't want anyone else's food anymore because she wants to eat what we're having. I guess we'll see. I don't know what else to do to keep her from begging for food at school. I know her friends won't like her if she keeps it up, but how can I convince her to stop?

On Sunday we went to church, and then I took Babygirl and Blondie shopping with me for new summer clothes. Bubbles was supposed to go, but she refused to eat her lunch because it included a salad, which resulted in her not being able to go shopping. I told her that she would be tired if she didn't have energy from not eating. She was quite happy to have her salad at dinner time. I guess skipping lunch can even make a salad taste good.

I really hope this week is better.

Three A.M. on my First Day Off

2006-03-24T03:01:00.000-06:00

Well here I sit. I've had trouble sleeping for the last week. There are a few reasons I can think of: 1) Nerves over quitting my job 2) I've been lying in bed too long every morning, dreading putting in those last few days at work 3) I haven't been taking my cal-mag supplements that keep my sleep regular.

So anyway, I fully expected to sleep like a baby tonight. Or maybe it was last night by now. Anyway, I woke up at 2:38 and realized my electric blanket was still on, and I was HOT. I'd just had a nightmare about witnessing a head-on collision. I was wide awake. Since I woke up yesterday at 3:45 and disturbed my husband with my tossing and turning, I decided to sneak out quietly, because he has to get up in an hour and go to work all day and really needs his sleep. I had to get my robe from the closet and then I tiptoed to the door and was struggling to open the door without making a sound, when suddenly I hear, "Just go on out and don't come back, I need to get my sleep!" I bit my tongue to keep from retorting that I was doing exactly that, because it would defeat my purpose to wake him up further by fighting with him.

My cat heard me get up and was determined to be let out of the laundry room. He was making quite a racket. My dilemma is that sometimes he tries to open my bedroom door, and that wouldn't really help Boaz sleep if that happens. On the other hand, a yowling door banging cat won't either, so I took the risk. Then the unsatisified cat was determined to be fed. Normally he doesn't eat until 6am, but since cats can't tell time, he decided now was the right time. So he's in there crunching away.

Blondie went to bed with a cold, so I gave her half a dose of nyquil to help her. Evidently it didn't work as well as I had hoped. She was coughing so loud it sounded like she had her mouth open, pointed straight at the bedroom door, putting as much force behind it as she could. I decided to give her some Triaminic Cough & Sore Throat tablets that I have, hoping that would help her sleep for the rest of the night. Halfway up the stairs I had a short debate with myself about whether I should go back down and get her a drink of water. The side that wanted to get the water won out, since it pointed out that if she asks for a drink I'd have to go right back down anyway. So I slipped into Blondie's room with the drink and medicine. She was awake and obviously not feeling well. I gave her the drink first and she gulped away. (Good thing I listened to myself.) Then I gave her the medicine which she chewed up and then she gulped the rest of her water.

So goes the start of my first day off. And it looks like there's a good chance I'll have some company.

Just So Happy

2006-03-14T13:36:00.000-06:00

I'm so happy that I'm going to get to stay home. Things are going so smoothly. I've told my parents and my in-laws, and it wasn't nearly as painful as the last time I discussed it with them. The current plan is that I'll stay home for at least six months, and then we'll re-evaluate whether we can continue that or if I need to go back to work. God may have something in store that we don't know about yet, so I'm not making any definite plans. I always have my degree to fall back on if I need to and in the meantime we'll see what opportunities arise.

My mom is keeping Blondie and Bubbles for a few days this week during Spring Break. They have been doing much better than the first time she babysat them. I gave them a stern talk before leaving both mornings this week, plus I've been calling and talking to them on the phone if necessary. However, it's so hard to be stern when I hear those precious little voices on the phone. Too cute!

Babygirl returned home safe and sound from Tennessee last night. She had a great time. We talked for over two hours, with her telling me about her trip and me recounting the days while she was gone. She is such a precious girl and she is growing into a beautiful and wonderful young woman.

I Did It

2006-03-13T09:13:00.000-06:00

I came in to work today and gave my two weeks' notice. It's a done deal. My boss took it better than I could have hoped. He told me that HIS wife is quitting HER job too, and he completely understands! That was a big relief.

I'm so happy and full of joy. We bought little tomato and pepper plants, and some flower seeds just for fun. We tilled the garden to get it ready. We can't plant yet because we still may get another freeze.

There were baby chickens at the feed store, and Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles fell in love. We are considering building a chicken coop and raising hens for laying eggs. (Yes, I know it means I'm not a vegan if I eat eggs, and yes I eat eggs sometimes.) Bucky got excited and wants to buy some chickens of his own and sell the eggs for extra money. I wonder how long the excitement will last when he actually has to care for them? Fortunately, I want some chickens too, so I can take care of them if he loses interest. I think he just wants to hold them and play with them, and it will be a little different when they grow up. But we'll see.

We're going on vacation this week! Hooray! I'll post some pictures when we get back.

One Sentence Per Year

2006-03-08T08:40:00.000-06:00

Okay, I saw this over on Tamara's blog.

Here goes:

1. I was born very close to Christmas (1968).
2. I moved several times with my parents and we lived with my grandparents off and on. (1969)
3. We moved to Arizona to be close to my mom's sister, and so my dad could work for my uncle. (1970)
4. We moved back to Texas. (1971)
5. We lived in a small two bedroom house and my dog Penny got hit by a train. We accidentally ran over her puppy, Little Penny, who was sleeping behind a tire.(1972)
6. We moved into the three bedroom house next door. I received two baby ducks for an Easter gift. They didn't die and we had to build a pen in the back yard for them. Eventually they were moved out to my grandmother's farm where they reproduced prolifically. (1973)
7. I began kindergarten. I rode to school with a neighbor who had a little pond in front of their house, and I fell into it. I also received a puppy for Halloween, that was given to me in a plastic Halloween bag. He was black with tan markings and we named him Roscoe. (1974)
8. A white dog showed up at our house and wouldn't leave. My parents made me throw rocks at her, but she was determined to stay (it probably didn't help that I petted her when they weren't looking) and she got adopted and named Casey. (1975)
9. We move to a nicer house in a nicer part of town. I meet my best friend for life. (1976)
10. I have a mean old third grade teacher who eats, burps and sleeps through the year. I spend a week with my grandmother in the summer. (1977)
11. I have a wonderful sweet fourth grade teacher who has a sister who is an artist, and she comes to class and teaches us how to draw. (1978)
12. My grandfather gets very sick with lung cancer and dies. I am devastated. I loved to ride on the tractor with him. (1979)
13. My widowed grandmother remarries, which greatly distresses my mother. (1980)
14. I begin junior high school. I have a crush on the boy down the street. He asks one of my best friends to be his girlfriend instead of me. My mother buys me a hair dryer for Christmas and then won't let me use it because it might "hurt" my hair. I'm allowed to wear lipstick and blush only. I walk into my algebra class and hear the most popular girl in school making fun of me.(1981)
15. I hate eighth grade. How awkward. I'm very tall for thirteen, and I stop growing. (1982)
16. I'm allowed to wear full makeup. I'm awkward, smart and not popular. (1983)
17. I find out that one of my friends was molested by her adopted father for the past eight years. She becomes a slut and her sister, also molested, becomes a lesbian. (1984)
18. I meet my future husband at a party I'm not supposed to be at. (1985)
19. I get a job at an outlet clothing store and continue to date my boyfriend. My best friend dates his best friend all through high school. I'm an honor student. My boyfriend gets diagnosed with cancer, has radiation treatment, and is pronounced cured. (1986)
20. I graduate from high school and get married that summer. I move to Austin to go to college. We get a puppy and name her Newton.(1987)
21. My husband is diagosed with cancer again and has chemotherapy. We are we probably won't be able to have children, so we have some sperm frozen before the chemo starts. We also make a half-hearted attempt to get pregnant but it doesn't work. (1988)
22. After the chemo is completed, I get pregnant accidentally. We weren't trying not to, but we thought it wasn't possible. (1989)
23. My husband gets cancer for a third time when I am seven month pregnant with Babygirl. He dies when she is four months old. (1990)
24. I get a full time job and move in with my best friend. My mom babysits Babygirl while I work. I have unhealthy relationships with a couple of guys. I meet Boaz at church. (1991)
25. Boaz asks me out a couple of times but I don't go. Finally we go out, and the next week he attends Babygirl's 2nd birthday party. We get pretty serious by the end of the year. (1992)
26. I marry Boaz. At the end of the year, Bucky is born. (1993)
27. We move from our two bedroom townhouse to a three bedroom rent house. (1994)
28. We struggle working two full time jobs and raising two kids. (1995)
29. A hail storm beats the crap out of our car, we take the $5000 in insurance money and make a downpayment on a house. Three weeks later I go back to college. I decided if I have to work I want to make more money, though I'd really rather stay home. (1996)
30. I go to college. During this time my in-laws help with babysitting and my husband takes care of all the housework so I can study. I do not work. I stay home in the summers with my kids and don't take any classes so they will know me. (1997-1999).
31. I get a good job making lots of money. (2000)
32. We buy a big house in the country two weeks after 9/11. We get our family back into church.(2001)
33. We work and raise kids. (2002)
34. My mother-in-law has a stroke and become bedridden. She was a major part of our lives and this is very distressing. (2003)
34. I hurt my leg and get sciatica. I want to quit my job so bad I go into a minor depression toward the end of the year. (2004)
35. I vow not to be depressed anymore, and if I can never quit, so be it. I decide to live my life to the fullest the best I can. We decide to adopt more kids. We throw ourselves into our real estate business. At the end of the year, we adopt Blondie and Bubbles. (2005)
36. So here we are, and I still want to quit my job, and hopefully it will be soon.

On Again, Off Again, On Again...and A Birthday Party

2006-03-07T10:39:00.000-06:00

The stress is just too much. I'll be quitting my job very soon. In fact, I would have put in my notice yesterday....but one of our tenants moved out on Saturday. Another one plans to move out in the next week or two. With that in mind, I need to continue to work until these houses have new tenants in them. We are turning both of the houses over to a property management company. It has been quite an ordeal making calls and chasing rent payments. With these two houses turned over, we'll only have three left that we are managing ourselves, and two of those are good tenants who pay every month on time.

So the current plan is that I will put in my notice as soon as the new houses have tenants. Hallelujah. I really can't wait much longer. I have tried to explain to Boaz many times how I feel, but it's difficult for him to understand. When I tell him that I'm upset that I can't make dinner every night due to time constraints, he tells me to not worry about it, and it's okay if we eat sandwiches all the time. When I tell him that I want to be able to spend more time with the kids, he tells me that the kids are fine and not to worry about it. When I tell him that I'm upset because the house isn't clean, he tells me not to worry about it.

My best friend really put the whole thing in perspective when I talked to her about it. She said that a man's primary job (in his mind) is to be a provider (okay, for most men, I know there are some great Mr. Moms out there). When a man is providing, he feels like a success. If he loses his job and can't provide, he feels like a failure. It's different for a woman (like me anyway). When my house is a wreck, kids want more time with me, dinner is never made, I feel like a failure. When my house is running smoothly and my kids are happy, I feel like a success. It doesn't matter if I was making $500,000 a year, I would still feel like a failure if I couldn't run my home. On the other hand, if the house is a mess, my husband doesn't feel like a failure. It has absolutely no bearing on his self esteem.

Right now the problem is that because I know I'll be quitting soon, that is creating problems of its own. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret when I'm at work. None of them know I'm even considering leaving. Also, I'm trying, at least in my mind, to begin taking on the tasks I will do when I am at home. Boaz correctly diagnosed that and told me to quit it because I "can't ride two horses at the same time". I have to try to keep doing my current role successfully until I can make the switch. It's very hard though, because home is truly where my heart is, and I'm SO CLOSE now. I've never been good at waiting, especially when it is something as big as this. I feel like I want to scream or puke most of the time from being so anxious.

But on with life for now. Bubbles is having a birthday this week. We have planned her very first birthday party. I'm so happy to be able to do this for her. I gave her some invitations to hand out at school, but in retrospect I think I should have mailed them. She gave out a couple to some kids four years older than her! I told her that she needs to give them to kids her own age, and that the older kids most likely won't come to her party. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but she had a few invitations left and I wanted her to give them to age appropriate kids, who would be excited about her party.

Oh well, if nobody comes, then we'll have a fun time with just our family. More cake for us! I had fun buying birthday presents for her. She's getting a Baby Doctor Barbie, a Barbie play house, and a new purse. The child absolutely loves purses! She has a very ugly one that she brought with her from her foster mom's house, so I'm hoping she'll like the new one better. Babygirl is actually embarrassed when Bubbles' carries the current one around. LOL

Babygirl is leaving Thursday night to go to Tennessee with her choir group. They are going to see Elvis' place, and record a song at a real recording studio. That night they will be going to a club that will play the song they recorded while they are there. I wish I was going too!

The Honeymoon is Over

2006-03-02T08:21:00.000-06:00

I was told that the kids would "honeymoon" for a few months. We've had Blondie and Bubbles for nearly four months now. Bubbles had quite a bit of trouble about six weeks ago, and it only lasted for a couple of weeks. She is now doing well in school again, and is behaving herself well at home. We are still working on her behavior at church. In addition, she has almost completely quit wetting the bed, with no medication and no pressure from me.

Blondie is now starting to act out more. On Saturday, and then again this morning, she threw a tantrum. It started with her leaving her jeans on the floor on Bubbles' side of the closet. She claimed that she had hung them up on Bubbles' side and then they fell off the hanger. I told her that wasn't true because they wouldn't have fallen where they were, and that she isn't supposed to hang her jeans on Bubbles' side anyway. Blondie proceeded to argue and lie to me, and then she yelled at me. I stayed calm and told her she would have to write sentences for each bad behavior she exhibited. She ended up screaming and I told her she would have to go into a far part of the house and she was free to come back when she could calm down.

She ended up having to make two trips away from us and after the second one I told her to get dressed for school. She came back down, still crying, and I told her that she could spend her last five minutes before school crying or eating her breakfast. She chose to eat.

She left for school happy, skipping and laughing.

And I'm an emotional wreck. She must have nerves of steel from everything she has been through in the past. I don't deal well with screaming and loud crying. I had to turn up the radio so I couldn't hear her, just to be able to function and make lunches for my kids. During all that time, I was worried that she wouldn't calm down in time for school. Would I have to stay home with her until the storm was over? Would I be late for work? Could she possibly be trying to hurt herself while I'm not looking? How often should I go check?

I'm glad she was able to leave happy and I really hope that the incident this morning doesn't cause her to have a bad day at school today. I know it will be hard for me.

I explained to her before she left how she had made the situation worse. She would only have had to write 25 sentences stating "I will hang up my jeans at bedtime."

Instead she also now has:

I will not argue with my mommy.
I will not lie to my mommy.
I will not yell at my mommy.
I will not cry loudly when I get in trouble.

I wonder how long it will take for her to start connecting her actions with her consequences.

Time Marches On

2006-02-24T09:02:00.000-06:00

When we made the decision that I can't/shouldn't quit working in May, it was a hard decision for me. It was made doubly hard by the fact that two years ago, I was desperate to quit. I wanted it and planned for it and prayed for it, and it just didn't happen. God didn't magically zap away all our debt or provide some mysterious source of income that would replace mine. I sunk into a mild depression at the end of 2004.

But beginning in 2005, I turned over a new leaf. It was obviously not God's plan for me to quit at that time. We began to pour ourselves more into our real estate business, and then we pursued the adoption. We stayed very busy during 2005, and I accepted that I would need to keep working for the rest of my life, or at least the next several years. So fast forward to two weeks ago, when Boaz began complaining in earnest about how busy we are and how much he is not enjoying life. He talked about how he just wants to simplify by selling everything and moving far away. I told him that the obvious answer is for me to quit my job and take care of the family so that things aren't so crazy at home trying to get everything done on the evenings and weekends. He was unsure, then he was sure, then he was unsure. I told him that if we weren't going to do this, we needed to stop talking about it because my nerves can't handle it. So we decided for sure that I would quit mid-May. But it was obvious over the course of a week, judging by his ill-temper and snappiness that he was unsettled. Finally last Monday night we hashed the whole thing out. I told him that he wasn't ready for me to quit. He told me that he doesn't want to do it until we are completely out of debt (not counting our mortgage) and have 3-6 months of expenses stashed away in the bank. He felt like if I just worked a few more months we could reach that goal. Ha! I'm the one that does the finances in our home, and I tried to explain why that wasn't true. We spent hours discussing/arguing/making up and replanning. We didn't get much sleep at all Monday night.

So here I am. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to quit. I know it just can't happen if my husband doesn't have peace about it. The pain of it comes from having it dangled in front of me as a real option and then snatched away again. I'd rather it never even be a consideration than go through that.

So I told him there has to be a compromise. I have to have free time on the weekends. Somehow we'll have to have easier meals, hire a maid, do whatever it takes so I can be free to play with my kids and work on projects and just enjoy my life. I don't want to reach 80 years old and look back and see drudgery and nothing else. We live on nine acres and I hardly ever even get to enjoy it. I keep thinking what am I doing all this for?

I'm going shopping this weekend and taking Babygirl, Blondie and my mother. I'm going to play games with Bucky tonight. And Boaz wants to help me with the bills. I think that's a good thing.

Patience is a Virtue...

2006-02-21T13:55:00.000-06:00

...that I need to keep working on.

We have decided to put off the "Stay At Home" thing until the end of the year at least. We need to be more financially stable before we take the plunge. A couple of our rent houses may go empty soon and we'll need cash to get them rentable before we get them back on the market.

Anyway, pray for me because it's always hard when the light at the end of the tunnel goes out.

Hog Hunting

2006-02-16T11:40:00.000-06:00

Boaz is leaving tonight to go hunting for wild boars at his friend's 200 acre patch of ground. Their whole bible study group is going, which means all five of them. He will be gone for the same length of time I was gone on the retreat. I'm so happy for him to be able to get away and relax. He really needs it.

I'm going to take my four kids to a movie Friday night. It's called Nanny McPhee. That is, unless Boaz talks me out of it. He thinks that since we are trying to save money so I can stay home, that I should just rent a movie and stay home and make popcorn. Now if I hadn't already TOLD the kids we were going out, I would be more willing to do that. But I really don't want to go back on my word (and I really want to go out to the movies....).

Anyway, I have no fear of keeping the kids by myself while he's gone. I've done it several times now on Saturdays when Boaz has to work and it hasn't been a problem. We've been running errands and doing chores and having fun.

I'm scared and excited about quitting my job. Money will be a lot tighter, but time will be much more abundant. I feel like we are making the right choice.

It's funny, everything I've wanted to do in life, my family (okay, my parents) have been right there letting me know what a mistake I was making. It just gets old. Why can't they ever say, "That's great! Let me know how I can help!" But no. When I decided to go back to college to get a degree, I was told that I had a good job that I shouldn't quit. When I wanted to have another baby, I was told that my plate was full and I shouldn't do it. When I decided I wanted to adopt, I was told that I had enough to do already and it would just be too much on me. Now I want to stay home with my kids and actually enjoy my life, while making life easier on my husband and kids, and I am told that I shouldn't do it because I "just don't know how hard it is to be without money." Well I was raised by the same people saying that and we didn't have money then either. But I DID have a stay-at-home mom who had time to play games with me and we took vacations every year and we always had enough to eat. It's just frustrating to NEVER get any support. I know what is right for my family. And if I quit and we find out it's too hard, guess what, I can go back to work. Gee whiz. I really hate that when I'm making big changes I have to dread telling my parents.

Right now I'm hoping I can quit mid-May. That will give me two weeks at home before the kids get out. I have a bunch of things I've been putting off and it would be great to complete those sans kids.

Things I'm looking forward to (if this dream really comes true):

1) Walks in the fresh air among the wildflowers
2) The sunlight on my face
3) Gardening
4) Teaching my girls to cook
5) Playing outside with my kids
6) Teaching my daughter to drive
7) Playing games with my son
8) Homeschooling Blondie and Bubbles (I've always wanted to homeschool)
9) Having dinner ready for my husband when he gets home
10) A clean house
11) Time to clear my mind
12) Exercise
13) Lunch with friends
14) Volunteering at church
15) Talking on the phone
16) Reading

And I could go on and on...

Stay at Home Mom?

2006-02-14T11:08:00.000-06:00

Boaz and I have a new goal. We are trying to pay off some debts so that I can become a stay-at-home mom. Life is too short to not enjoy it. We get up, go to work, come home to rush through dinner and homework and then head for bed. This happens over and over, Monday through Friday, leaving the weekends for trying to catch up on the things that didn't get done during the week and of course, church. We don't get to spend much if any quality time with anyone.

We're hoping to have the debts paid down enough that I can quit at the end of May, right at the start of summer vacation. We almost decided to do it now, but it will go a lot smoother in the long run if we wait a little while. It felt like we were rushing into the decision without thinking it through, so we feel a lot better about it now.

I'm also considering homeschooling Blondie and Bubbles next year. I think that a year with me tutoring them one-on-two would do wonders for their scholastic abilities. I also think it would give me time to work on their behaviors so that when they do return to school they will be more obedient with their teachers. I think that it is important for them socially and spiritually to be involved in a school setting, but I think they need some catch up time. I think they need some good, intensive MOMMY time that they've never had. A stretch goal would be to actually get Blondie caught up with where she should be in school, since she had to repeat first grade. I don't know if that is realistic, we'll just have to see. Maybe after a year away and taking her growth hormones, she might even be closer to her rightful size when she returns.

This morning we had the Valentine's assembly line going. Bubbles didn't bring home a list until last night, and due to her behavior she had to go to bed early. So this morning we hurriedly addressed valentines. I wonder if she's ever gotten to participate before?

Happy Valentine's day everyone!

Unbelievable

2006-02-10T16:06:00.000-06:00

Attention Deficit Drugs get Black Box Label

The article above says that 9.3% of 12 year old boys are on ADHD drugs. This country needs to take a serious look at whether we are drugging them because they have a medical problem, or because they are BOYS. I find it impossible to believe that God created 9.3% of our 12 year old boys with a serious medical problem requiring intensive medication.

Results!

2006-02-10T12:12:00.000-06:00

The doctor called with the results from Blondie's tests. He said that she is growth hormone deficient. He said that there are two types of growth hormones, and that one of them is sensitive to environmental factors like nutrition, and the other one is not. He said that she has very low levels of both. I don't know what that means or what is causing it, but at least we have a reason for why she is so small.

He said that her bone age test showed her to be 6 years of age instead of 8.5. I asked him if this was good or bad and what it meant. He said that it is good, because it means she has more growing time. That means she can make up for some of the time she has lost.

He said that her thyroid is normal and that the tests didn't show any signs of a tumor in her head. He wants to run a couple more tests. One will be an MRI and the other will be a test to see if she will respond to growth hormone therapy. If she does, then we will be doing shots every day at home to help her grow. The chromosome tests have not come back yet.

It is a relief to have an answer. I've been mildly appalled at the reactions of some people that I told I was taking her to the doctor. They insinuated that maybe I didn't like her because she was short, or that I wouldn't accept her just the way she was. It really made me angry. I'm trying to help a child who obviously has a growth problem. No one in her past has seen fit to have her checked, but since I want to address the problem and help her, then obviously I'm not willing to accept her the way she is.

Whatever. If she doesn't grow, I will help her to learn to navigate her life as a small adult. My desire to help her had nothing to do with me not wanting her to be short if that was the way God meant her to be. But if she has a head injury that caused her to not grow, why shouldn't I try to seek help?! Sorry for the rant, but I found those insinuations to be quite insulting.

Doing Better

2006-02-10T10:46:00.000-06:00

Babygirl is pretty much well now except for her sore throat. She probably could have gone back to school today, but after missing all week I told her it would be okay to take one more day to rest and recuperate. I called the school this morning and hopefully I'll be able to get some of her work from her teachers so she can start getting caught up this weekend.

Blondie caused a problem on the bus this week, but we didn't find out until Bubbles told us last night. Blondie is supposed to sit at the front of the bus with the younger kids, but her friend Curlie told her it would be okay to sit in the back. Mr. Busdriver told Blondie to come up to the front of the bus four or five times, and she continued to ignore him. Finally he stopped the bus at the side of the road and stood up to come get her, and she decided it was time to do as he asked. For that she was made to go to bed early last night and she will again tonight.

Unfortunately, I fear that the only reason Bubbles told us is because Blondie told on her yesterday too. When Bubbles told us the story, I asked Blondie if what Bubbles was saying was true. She said it wasn't true. So I asked her if she was saying that Bubbles was making up a terrible lie about her, and she told me that yes, Bubbles was making up a terrible lie. So then I asked her if she had sat in the back of the bus, and she said that yes, she did, but she didn't remember anything about Mr. Busdriver telling her to come forward or stopping the bus. I told Blondie that this one would be easy to solve, because I would just call Mr. Busdriver myself today and ask him about it. I also told her that it would be much better to tell the truth now than to wait and let us hear it from Mr. Busdriver. At that point she confessed everything, that the whole story was true. I told her that I was proud of her for telling the truth and that we would respect her more for telling the truth than for lying.

I'm really working hard on having not much if any reaction to their poor behavior, and just delivering the consequences that we feel fit their behavior as best we can. I don't really have any appropriate consequences for bus riding, so going to bed early was the best I could do. She really hates that the most.

Bubbles ran off from her afterschool teacher again yesterday, and pulled Blondie along with her. Blondie was protesting and didn't want to go, but Bubbles was insistent and pulling on her arm. The afterschool teacher wrote a letter and sent it home with Blondie, who didn't give it to me until after Bubbles told on her for her misbehavior on the bus. We had already heard the story as soon as they got home but we had not seen the note. The teacher just told me that she was trying to use time out on the girls at school like we had discussed, but she wanted to let me know what happened.

I told Bubbles that it is very important that she stay with the adults that I leave in charge of her. They can't take care of her if they don't know where she is because she runs off. I told her that I want to know that she is safe and taken care of, and that is impossible if she keeps running off. I kind of saw the lightbulb go off when I explained it to her, but we'll have to see over time if it makes a difference. Mostly she just takes off to get a drink or go to the restroom, but she is supposed to ask permission first so the teacher willl know where she is. Both girls are guilty of this behavior.

Really the biggest problem we have with them right now is that they don't obey the authority figures outside our home. We don't have a problem with them at home, but so far they have disobeyed their teachers at school, Mr. Busdriver, the teachers at church and my mom and dad. My mom and dad didn't provide any consequences if they didn't behave themselves. I had discussed the use of time out with my mom, but they only threatened them but didn't enforce it. So the girls did whatever they wanted, which included yelling and running all over the house and refusing to come when called, etc. Mom and Dad are reluctant to watch them again, but I only partly blame the girls. No one changes without consequences, be they good or bad ones.

So much for getting any time alone with Boaz. I was really hoping that Mom and Dad would be able to provide some babysitting so we could get some date nights. Now I don't know. At least for a while we'll probably have to continue to rough it.

The girls really aren't that bad, it's just that they test all their limits. They respond well to time out but we can't be there with them at school/church/on the bus/at Grandma's house to make sure they mind. They've been doing better in their actual classroom because they know we check their folders everyday. I really think it will just take time and training to help them be obedient wherever they go. They've developed these bad habits over a long period of time and it's going to take a long time to make them go away.

All in all I feel very blessed with them. We were warned of so many scary things that can be present in foster kids, and I feel that we got the cream of the crop with these girls. They don't shout at us, cuss, throw things or tantrum. They are just doing everything that normal children do, except all at once.

Everybody is Sick

2006-02-09T09:54:00.000-06:00

Babygirl has the flu.
Bubbles has an ear infection.
Blondie has a stomach ache.
Bucky got his tongue stuck in his braces - TWICE- and now he has a "tongue-ache".
Boaz was running fever yesterday.

Needless to say, I missed three days of work this week.

I'm tired.

Things are going a bit better with the girls. Bubbles has ended her "bad" streak and has been getting green every day. I did get a call from the teacher that watches them before and after school, saying that they don't mind her or listen to her, but once they found out we knew they straightened up. I've been working harder on loving them than disciplining them, and we are all in a much better frame of mind.