Still Not Satisfied With Myself

I'm still disappointed in my own behavior. Some things have gotten better, but some things are still quite lacking. My relationship with Babygirl has improved immensely since "the talk". She's been hanging around me much more, talking and cuddling up to me.

One of the things the kids do is to fight over who gets to sit next to me at breakfast/lunch/dinner. They came up with a plan that Bubbles sits by me at breakfast, Blondie gets me at lunch and Bucky gets me at dinner. That wasn't really fair at first because they were still in school at the time, so they weren't here at lunch and I almost never eat breakfast. I didn't buck their system though because they all seemed okay with it, and if I had tried to have them all taking turns at dinner Bucky would have had a total meltdown. Now if you notice, I said nothing about Babygirl in this schedule. She didn't demand a spot. She's always been quietly unselfish, hiding her own needs and pretending everything is okay. Recently she claimed a spot next to me at lunch. During breakfast and lunch there are two spots available next to me, and at dinner one spot is claimed by Boaz.

Now for my feelings on all of this. It feels so crazy to be fought over. It feels okay for them to all want to sit by me, but I'm not sure what their motivation is. At times I really feel that it's more about their competition with each other, rather than a true want to be close to me. I know that for Bucky it's about security and possessiveness. He really doesn't want to share me. He does well with playing with Blondie and Bubbles, and they really have a good time. But when it comes to me, he gets very jealous.

So now I think I've swung too far to the other side. I've been trying to fix the problems with my bios and make them more comfortable, and I think I've been neglecting Blondie and Bubbles a bit. Maybe neglect isn't the right word. It's just that I haven't been able to spend much one-on-one time with them. They are certainly fed and bathed and treated kindly and disciplined and tucked in at night, but not much more. So part of the problem right now is that I've been taking care of the squeaky wheels only. Blondie and Bubbles play together or with Bucky, go outside to pet the cats and hang out like real members of the family. But they don't complain about me not spending time with them. They always act like everything is perfectly fine. I know that it's not, and it can't be, and I have talked with each of them separately about not pretending, and being available to hear whatever feelings they are having.

Then last weekend, we went to the river to go floating. When we got out, there were a million people there, all smoking, drinking, cussing and being loud. (We had to wait there for the bus to take us back to our cars.) I noticed that Bubbles got very quiet and hung her head for nearly the entire time. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she just said she was hungry. Even though I put my arm around her and kept her close to me and asked her frequently if she was really okay, she kept saying she was fine. When we got back to the house, I made a point to get her alone and talk to her about it. I asked her if being around those other people reminded her of anything. She said no. I asked if it reminded her of being around her bio parents. She said no. She said that when she lived with her bios she "had a blast". Whoa, nelly. I know that's not true. I asked her what it was like, and she said that she colored with crayons and watched movies on TV. FYI - that is what she does at our house. Another time she told me that when she lived with her bios, the daddy went to work and the kids rode the bus to school. Again, that is describing our house, NOT the bios. I gently told her that what she said wasn't true, and she was describing our house. I told her about what she had said before about riding the bus, and she claimed she never said that. She wanted to know WHEN she said that. I've heard about kids being in denial about their past and what it was like to live with their bio parents, and then suddenly there it was. It has to be so hard for her. She was very small when she left them, so she probably doesn't even remember what it was really like. She even told me once a few weeks ago that it would have been better there if CPS had let her go back, because her bio parents were going to change, they promised her they would. It's just so heartbreaking. All this time she's just been thinking that the bios just needed another chance. Never mind the fact that they didn't do their training or change their behavior or even show up to court. I used the opportunity to explain to her that the reason she didn't go back to them is because they didn't change, and they weren't going to, and that's why CPS decided to take them away permanently. But the girls don't believe what I say.

For example, Blondie was using shower gel in her hair. I told her not to, and that shampoo goes in hair, not shower gel. She continued to do it for weeks. I couldn't figure out why her hair was so lifeless and almost gluey. Finally she confessed about the shower gel, when it seemed I was ready to do a full investigation. I asked her why she continued to put it in her hair after I told her not to, and she said she didn't believe me that it mattered. Sigh. She also didn't believe me when I told her that the million dollar bill that her friend brought to school and showed her WASN'T REAL. She went right off to tell Boaz about it. He also told her it wasn't real, and it was obvious from her face that she didn't believe either one of us. I'm really just not used to this. My bios have almost hero-worshipped me from birth, they believe every word I tell them and come to me for answers I don't even have. I sort of expected that it would be the same way with Blondie and Bubbles. I can see now that was unrealistic. They believe NOTHING we say. They pretend to, but then they go off and do whatever they want. It's surprising and frustrating for them not to believe the simple things I tell them about life. When will that change? How can I raise them right if they don't believe a word I say?

Anyway, back to the feelings thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm making too much of it. I know it all takes time. But when will my feelings for them grow to where I want them to be? I certainly care for them. It's just not the same thing I feel for my bios. I really think if I didn't have the bios, I would feel more for Blondie and Bubbles. I could be wrong there, since I haven't experienced it both ways. It's just that I feel the difference, and I don't want there to BE a difference, but there just IS. It's not fair to my littles ones. They've already been through so much, and it's just not fair for me not to love them the way they need.

I have noticed that when I do spend time alone with them, my softer feelings for them come to the fore. It's just that it's few and far between. I really need to work on that. But then there's that complication of my bios' jealousy. This balancing act is killing me.

I'm continuing to pray that God will give me an agape love for them, just like the way He loves them. I know it will happen eventually, but I'm impatient. I really didn't expect this. I guess it was very unrealistic, but I thought my feelings for them would be the same as I have for my bios by now.

Thinking of Gawdessness

I can relate to so many of her feelings right now. Especially the one about Turtle Girl. During the process of bringing the new girls home, the attitudes and feelings of my biological children was the hardest on me. Even my stalwart oldest daughter who had been gung-ho about the adoption from the first, was looking at me like her life had just been destroyed, and my son was looking at me with tears welling in his eyes. I think it's the hardest on the baby of the family. Then again, my oldest was just hiding and swallowing her feelings on it until recently.

This adoption thing is a HUGE sacrifice. Yes, I knew that going in, and yes, they all warned me, but it's bigger than you expect. I'd still do it all over again, but I would attend to my biological children's needs in the beginning a little better than I did. In the swirl of trying to incorporate the new kids and make them feel comfortable, I expected my bios to just understand and wait a few weeks to have me close again. I think it hurt them more than I knew. They felt pushed aside and replaced. I had two mild anxiety attacks the week we brought them home. Both of them were caused by my feelings for my bios.

Babygirl has been acting out in anger, suddenly, in the past few months. It is unlike her. After the third episode, which involved hitting her brother, I sat with her in her room for a couple of hours, trying to understand what was going on. I know that anger comes from hurt, so I was very concerned to find out how she was hurting.

And it was all about me.

Even as a working mom that was run ragged, I have always put my children first. Babygirl and Bucky have always known I was there for them, RIGHT THERE, any time they needed me. All Babygirl had to do was walk in with a sad face, and she could reasonably expect her mom to drop literally everything until she’d had a chance to let it all out and be comforted/advised/whatever. Then Blondie and Bubbles moved in, and suddenly, Babygirl had to wait her turn, and it didn’t go over well at all. She complained several times a day in those first few weeks that I wasn’t listening to her. I tried to tell her that she needed to wait until she had my attention before she started talking. She’s never had to do that before. She felt replaced.
She made a comment in the first few weeks about trying to need me less, and praying for God to help her need me less. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, and I didn’t pursue it. So it grew. And it finally erupted.

I had a long, tearful conversation with her in which she again said that she was trying not to need me, and had been doing so ever since the girls moved in. I responded to her that she would always need me and to just stop trying not to. I assured her that I’m as much here for her now as I’ve always been. I told her that she’ll need me when she gets married and when she has a baby. I told her that girls always need their mothers, and it never goes away. I’m 37 years old and there are still times when I need my mother.

Bringing home new kids is so freaking hard. So much bigger than I understood. Because suddenly you have these two new kids who are just two black holes of need, but then your bios suddenly have bigger needs than ever before too. As an adult you expect them to understand like you do, that the extra attention you are giving the new kids will even out as they adjust and become part of the family, but they don’t. They feel deserted, replaced and forgotten. At least if you do it the way I did. Though in retrospect, I don’t know how I physically could have done it better. I was working full time and suddenly had four kids and I only had about three hours, sometimes two, to spend with them, and that included eating, homework, baths, etc. Spending any time with Boaz was out of the question completely.

Then on top of that, both Boaz and I were at our wits’ end trying to discipline the younger kids. We were supremely frustrated with the results of the discipline tools we were allowed to use. Time-out worked slightly, at best. Looking back, I just think the problem was bigger than I was, but somehome I muddled through. Quitting my job was the best thing I could have done, family-wise, but financially it isn’t so hot. That money thing will still have to be attended to soon, but in the family sense we are doing SO much better. I’m much more aware of my bios now, very similar to before the little girls came. And I’m able to spend more quality time with the little ones. And even Boaz has gotten some attention. :)

But here I was, thinking everything was better, when suddenly Babygirl has the fallout. I think/hope/pray that we are on the way to recovery with her. I think we reconnected. I stayed up late with her every night this week while Bucky was gone watching favorite movies and eating popcorn and cuddling. I’ve tried to be more purposeful about paying attention to her. I’ve tried so hard not to play favorites with my bios in the past several months, but maybe I overdid it.

This whole thing is very, very, very hard. But I still believe it’s the right thing to do. And I believe that because I think in time we will all be bonded as a family, and our little daughters will become the beautiful young women God created them to be, and my bios will see that they haven’t lost their mom, and I will be the better for having answered God’s call and made the necessary sacrifices. If it never got any better than it was those first few weeks, then I would tell everyone who already has kids to not even consider adopting. But we're getting better, day by day. I don't know what the future holds, but I haven't given up hope.

And some day we just might do it again. But the nice thing about it will be that our eyes will be wide open, and it won’t be like getting hit by a freight train again.