Response

Okay, I've heard your cries for relief, so I'll blog today.

Tamara asked if there were any fun stories or warm fuzzies, and there are. For instance, two nights ago Blondie left the water running, and Boaz wanted to talk to her about it. He asked her if she knew where the water came from before it got in the house. She said it came from the lake and he said no. Then she said it came from the well, and he told her that was right. Then he asked her if she knew what a well was....can you guess what she said....she said it was a big fish. HAHAHA Okay, that stopped us all for a while. Both my little ones tend to pronounce things like tail as "tell" and whale as "well". Boaz probed a bit more and Blondie told him she thought that the water came from a whale in the ocean, very far away, and the water we get comes from his spout. That's so funny I can barely type it.

We proceeded to teach her what a well really is.

As for warm fuzzies, I really experienced a good one a couple of days ago. I finally sat down and created my control journal, ala flylady.net, and the first thing on the list every day is bible study. I showed this journal to Boaz, and he loved that we were all doing bible study together every morning. I corrected him and told him no, that only referred to ME doing MY bible study. He felt that it should be all of us. I raised my eyebrows but agreed to it. The warm fuzzy came the next day as I sat at the kitchen table with my three daughters (my son is away at camp this week). As we all opened our bibles and began to quietly read, I was struck by how sweet it was. What a wonderful way to start our morning! My husband makes a lot more sense than I think he does...

What's on my mind...I've been reading a blog of a woman who has two children and is about to adopt two more. It's the most similar to my own situation of any I've found, so I'm intensely interested. One of the things she brought up was attachment disorders, which I've heard of. However, she obviously has read some things or heard some things I haven't, because she mentioned not hugging the little girl back when the girl gave her a hug. I was confused and thought that sounded a bit cold. But then I gave it more thought. My little ones have been giving me hugs and saying "I love you" since the very first day. I've been doing the same thing. But in doing so, have I confused them? Do they really have any idea what love truly is? Bubbles says every day, many times a day, "I love you Mommy" to which I reply "I love you too Sweetheart" to which she replies "I love you more!" and I reply "I don't know about that." It's a game, said in a sing-song voice, always the same way. If I answer anything different than usual, I can tell it bothers her. It's comforting to her that I always reply the same way. But since I've been thinking about it, I've realized that she never just comes up for a hug and seriously says, "I love you."

I think I'm finally getting to the meat of what disturbs me. My two little ones show affection, but that is all it is, a show. There isn't any warmth to it. They are mimicking what they see. If one of them comes to me for a hug, and the other one sees it, they are right there making sure they get one too. It's a competition for attention, but not for love. I mean, I know that love is what they truly want but they don't even know what they are trying to get, because they are so young and they've never experienced true love before. Can anyone follow what I'm trying to say? My relationships with them feel empty. I'm teaching them grammar and pronunciation and math and manners and respect...but am I teaching them love? If I am it is just through my daily living, and it isn't something purposeful. I mean I'm showing them affection and telling them I love them, but am I missing something or leaving something out? Should I be doing something different? Or do I just need to be patient and realize that it will all take time? I don't know.

I do think that with Bucky gone this week, it has given Babygirl a better change to bond with Blondie and Bubbles. Normally the little ones spend most of their time playing with Bucky. He's closer to their age and enjoys playing video games with them. I got a nice warm fuzzy Tuesday night while I heard Babygirl showing the girls how to give a "sister kiss" which was to press their cheeks together and go "mwah" (insert kiss sound here). Then she picked up one on her back and one on her front, and that was so cute I had to take a picture.

She really has spent more quality time with them this week. I hate when one of my children is gone, but it also allows some bonding time with the members of the family that are still at home.
You could also say a prayer for our finances. We currently have two empty rent houses and another that we just had to evict today. I hope God sends some paying tenants soon.

Oh, and one other warm fuzzy....Ninety-nine percent of the time Blondie and Bubbles call me Mommy, but very, very occasionally they call me Mama, and I love it. I can't explain why I like it so much, it's just more personal or warm or something.

Just for Funsies...

1. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your father's side, your favorite candy): Lucile Heath

2. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name followed by izzle", first two or three letters of your last name follwowed by "dizzle"): Sizzle Cadizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Cat

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your name- last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name repeated twice): Sunris Gab Gab

5. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive): The Red Sienna

The Truth?

Yesterday I got a comment from QueenBee asking me how I'm doing.

I've been mulling over my answer. Which answer should I give? The good one, the bad one, or both?

It's hard to bond with them. I've done a lot of thinking about it, trying to discover "why". I've done a lot of praying about it, asking God to give me the agape love for them that He has for them.

The truth is, it isn't the way I expected it to be or the way I wanted it to be. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I would be stronger and more able to rise above my feelings than I have been.

Here's what I think: When I gave birth, I had little helpless innocent babies who needed me 100% of the time. We spent endless hours together, nonstop, with me taking care of their every need, and them learning to depend on me to be there.

It isn't, and can't be, like that with older kids. They don't need or even want you 100% of the time. It's hard to view them as innocent while they lie and disobey at every turn. Of course I can see the big picture, and I know WHY they are the way they are. But try living with the lying and disobedience, minute by minute by minute, for the last seven months.

A big part of the frustration is not knowing the truth. They fuss and argue every time they are alone, and then they run to us to tattle, each with a completely different story of what happened. How do you discipline that? One of them, or more likely both, was being selfish and disrespectful. We question them, and their stories change each time they tell it. At times I want to pull out my hair, and I ask myself why on earth I ever wanted to do this. But would I ever want to send them away? Not in a million years.

I've found that I really like them the best when I have them one at a time. They are no fun when they are together, but very sweet when they are on their own. It's made me regret taking a sibling group just a bit. They do bring the awful family dynamics from their former home with them. And other things that I can't/won't even discuss here.

How am I doing? I'm disappointed, hopeful, and trying to just be patient.

I'm hanging onto Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (and in the song it ends with "Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.")

I have to trust that God called me to this, and know that only with His help will I be able to be successful in the job He has called me to.