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Yesterday I got a comment from QueenBee asking me how I'm doing.
I've been mulling over my answer. Which answer should I give? The good one, the bad one, or both?
It's hard to bond with them. I've done a lot of thinking about it, trying to discover "why". I've done a lot of praying about it, asking God to give me the agape love for them that He has for them.
The truth is, it isn't the way I expected it to be or the way I wanted it to be. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I would be stronger and more able to rise above my feelings than I have been.
Here's what I think: When I gave birth, I had little helpless innocent babies who needed me 100% of the time. We spent endless hours together, nonstop, with me taking care of their every need, and them learning to depend on me to be there.
It isn't, and can't be, like that with older kids. They don't need or even want you 100% of the time. It's hard to view them as innocent while they lie and disobey at every turn. Of course I can see the big picture, and I know WHY they are the way they are. But try living with the lying and disobedience, minute by minute by minute, for the last seven months.
A big part of the frustration is not knowing the truth. They fuss and argue every time they are alone, and then they run to us to tattle, each with a completely different story of what happened. How do you discipline that? One of them, or more likely both, was being selfish and disrespectful. We question them, and their stories change each time they tell it. At times I want to pull out my hair, and I ask myself why on earth I ever wanted to do this. But would I ever want to send them away? Not in a million years.
I've found that I really like them the best when I have them one at a time. They are no fun when they are together, but very sweet when they are on their own. It's made me regret taking a sibling group just a bit. They do bring the awful family dynamics from their former home with them. And other things that I can't/won't even discuss here.
How am I doing? I'm disappointed, hopeful, and trying to just be patient.
I'm hanging onto Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (and in the song it ends with "Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.")
I have to trust that God called me to this, and know that only with His help will I be able to be successful in the job He has called me to.
About Me
- Sunshine
- This is the story of how we expanded our family through adoption. Our family: Boaz (husband and dad), Sunshine (wife and mother), Babygirl (our oldest), Bucky (our son), Blondie (our middle daughter) and Bubbles (the baby)
3 comments:
I wondered where you'd been, and what you'd been feeling. Though God called us all to do this foster-to-adopt thing, we question our strength, our wisdom, our decision-making. Raising a child you did not give birth to is hard enough- raising a child with a history you know only snippets of is even more challenging. I know in my heart it will get better. Memories of the past will fade for them as they get older, and new memories will replace or crowd out the old. Their hearts will heal. Seven months may seem like an eternity, but it really is just the beginning. Being in church and in a Christ-centered home will help too. When they learn more about Christ, and yearn to be like him, He will start to transform them too. I know you've already seen huge changes. We expect to be perfect, and have all these hopes and dreams for our families, and if you're at all like me, sometimes they are so lofty I set myself up for disappointment. Your new family is so beautiful, so unique. God picked you and B. because he trusted you and empowered you with all you would need. I think that is the best compliment anyone could ever give you. Hang in there, my friend. I will keep praying for you as your family grows and changes.
Can I just "ditto" Tam? Celebrate your successes, Sunshine. Big ones, small ones, count them every day. And celebrate them. Soon, they'll out number the others.
I still work on the bonding, everyday, and it's been a year. It takes time. A lot of time.
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