Thinking of Gawdessness

I can relate to so many of her feelings right now. Especially the one about Turtle Girl. During the process of bringing the new girls home, the attitudes and feelings of my biological children was the hardest on me. Even my stalwart oldest daughter who had been gung-ho about the adoption from the first, was looking at me like her life had just been destroyed, and my son was looking at me with tears welling in his eyes. I think it's the hardest on the baby of the family. Then again, my oldest was just hiding and swallowing her feelings on it until recently.

This adoption thing is a HUGE sacrifice. Yes, I knew that going in, and yes, they all warned me, but it's bigger than you expect. I'd still do it all over again, but I would attend to my biological children's needs in the beginning a little better than I did. In the swirl of trying to incorporate the new kids and make them feel comfortable, I expected my bios to just understand and wait a few weeks to have me close again. I think it hurt them more than I knew. They felt pushed aside and replaced. I had two mild anxiety attacks the week we brought them home. Both of them were caused by my feelings for my bios.

Babygirl has been acting out in anger, suddenly, in the past few months. It is unlike her. After the third episode, which involved hitting her brother, I sat with her in her room for a couple of hours, trying to understand what was going on. I know that anger comes from hurt, so I was very concerned to find out how she was hurting.

And it was all about me.

Even as a working mom that was run ragged, I have always put my children first. Babygirl and Bucky have always known I was there for them, RIGHT THERE, any time they needed me. All Babygirl had to do was walk in with a sad face, and she could reasonably expect her mom to drop literally everything until she’d had a chance to let it all out and be comforted/advised/whatever. Then Blondie and Bubbles moved in, and suddenly, Babygirl had to wait her turn, and it didn’t go over well at all. She complained several times a day in those first few weeks that I wasn’t listening to her. I tried to tell her that she needed to wait until she had my attention before she started talking. She’s never had to do that before. She felt replaced.
She made a comment in the first few weeks about trying to need me less, and praying for God to help her need me less. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, and I didn’t pursue it. So it grew. And it finally erupted.

I had a long, tearful conversation with her in which she again said that she was trying not to need me, and had been doing so ever since the girls moved in. I responded to her that she would always need me and to just stop trying not to. I assured her that I’m as much here for her now as I’ve always been. I told her that she’ll need me when she gets married and when she has a baby. I told her that girls always need their mothers, and it never goes away. I’m 37 years old and there are still times when I need my mother.

Bringing home new kids is so freaking hard. So much bigger than I understood. Because suddenly you have these two new kids who are just two black holes of need, but then your bios suddenly have bigger needs than ever before too. As an adult you expect them to understand like you do, that the extra attention you are giving the new kids will even out as they adjust and become part of the family, but they don’t. They feel deserted, replaced and forgotten. At least if you do it the way I did. Though in retrospect, I don’t know how I physically could have done it better. I was working full time and suddenly had four kids and I only had about three hours, sometimes two, to spend with them, and that included eating, homework, baths, etc. Spending any time with Boaz was out of the question completely.

Then on top of that, both Boaz and I were at our wits’ end trying to discipline the younger kids. We were supremely frustrated with the results of the discipline tools we were allowed to use. Time-out worked slightly, at best. Looking back, I just think the problem was bigger than I was, but somehome I muddled through. Quitting my job was the best thing I could have done, family-wise, but financially it isn’t so hot. That money thing will still have to be attended to soon, but in the family sense we are doing SO much better. I’m much more aware of my bios now, very similar to before the little girls came. And I’m able to spend more quality time with the little ones. And even Boaz has gotten some attention. :)

But here I was, thinking everything was better, when suddenly Babygirl has the fallout. I think/hope/pray that we are on the way to recovery with her. I think we reconnected. I stayed up late with her every night this week while Bucky was gone watching favorite movies and eating popcorn and cuddling. I’ve tried to be more purposeful about paying attention to her. I’ve tried so hard not to play favorites with my bios in the past several months, but maybe I overdid it.

This whole thing is very, very, very hard. But I still believe it’s the right thing to do. And I believe that because I think in time we will all be bonded as a family, and our little daughters will become the beautiful young women God created them to be, and my bios will see that they haven’t lost their mom, and I will be the better for having answered God’s call and made the necessary sacrifices. If it never got any better than it was those first few weeks, then I would tell everyone who already has kids to not even consider adopting. But we're getting better, day by day. I don't know what the future holds, but I haven't given up hope.

And some day we just might do it again. But the nice thing about it will be that our eyes will be wide open, and it won’t be like getting hit by a freight train again.