On the Right Track

I've had some time since my last blog to talk to my husband, my eldest daughter and my sister-in-law, who is also a social worker. I got reassurance from the first and last, and a good listening ear from my daughter. She turned 16 last week and she is a delight to have in my life. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a daughter, but thank you, God.

I have also received reassurance from an unexpected and unsolicited source. Bubbles herself.

One day, while making dinner, Bubbles announced, "Mommy, I just don't know how to thank you enough." I asked, "For what, honey?" She said, "For giving me such a nice place to live and for loving me." I felt my throat getting tight, and I hugged her and told her she deserved every bit of it.

Another day, Boaz had to work on a Saturday, so he wasn't there when Blondie and Bubbles got up and they were disappointed. Blondie stated, "It's not as fun when Daddy isn't here." Bubbles agreed. Then Blondie said, "Daddy is the fun one." Bubbles then said, "But Mommy is special too. Mommy is the love one." It was very humbling and encouraging to hear that Bubbles sees me that way, when I feel I don't spend enough time loving them. It made me feel that I might be doing a bit better than I thought. On the other hand, maybe it's just that their former life was so terrible that even the small bit I do is volumes more than they got before.

I had a long talk with Boaz about my feelings and guilt and (to my way of thinking) shortcomings. He was quick to tell me that I'm too hard on myself. He said that it was unrealistic to think that I would love Blondie and Bubbles with the same depth and intensity as I love my birth children after only nine months with them. He also pointed out that we love every person in our lives a different way, and it may never be exactly the same, but still very good. He told me that I should talk to him more instead of "guilting myself to death". I guess he's right. I still think I should do more though. I can't help it. I'm a mom, and it comes with the territory to beat yourself up and think you are never good enough, right?

Yesterday my sister-in-law called. What a dose of reality! I told her all about my concerns over the girls' emotional states, such as them always being "happy", or at least pretending that they are. She told me that what I was describing was very common, and would take years to overcome. She said that nine months is really not long compared to how long and how horribly they were treated in their birth home. She said they probably learned that was the best way to navigate through life, and it will be a long time before they feel safe to express their true emotions, and it may take some coaching on my part to help them get in touch with their feelings. She said there are some good books for teaching kids about feelings too.

I talked to her about how I thought it would have been easier if I didn't have birth children when I adopted them. She told me that she thought the benefits really outweighed my concerns. She said that sibling relationships are real relationships too, and they are easier for abused kids. The parent-child relationships typically hold much more baggage and are more difficult for them. She said we are also modelling healthy parent-child relationships through them watching us with our birth children.

I told her about how I take one of them with me when I go out to do my grocery shopping, and she thought it was a great idea. She said that just doing regular things together is good. She said that sitting down one on one having heavy, emotional fraught interactions wouldn't be beneficial very often. And here I was thinking I haven't been doing that enough. I've been worried a bit that they haven't opened up more, but she seems to think we're right on track. There were a couple of things she suggested that I've actually already done.

I also talked to Babygirl a few days back, and we discussed how Bubbles really looks up to her. We also discussed how crabby she is with both the little ones, and she admitted that she was. She said that before we adopted them she had something different in mind than what she got. She said she understands now that it wasn't realistic. Then yesterday I noticed her being much nicer and friendlier to them. It was very refreshing.

She also said that she can't even remember when they weren't here. Wow.

Mostly I've learned that I'm going to have to be patient and it will just take a lot of time. I do love them. I think I was just expecting too much too soon, both of myself and of them.

On a lighter note, school starts in two weeks, and I've been getting their wardrobes ready. It's a bit more difficult now that I have four. I always wanted four kids when I was growing up as an only child. Be careful what you wish for....just kidding.

As for me, I'll be starting a small part-time job working at home doing the website for my church, probably next week. I'll also be starting BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) in September and I'll be volunteering at a local charity once a week. It's my dream life. Thank you, God.