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I have talked to a couple of friends recently about my feelings about the girls. I've received some good advice. One said that I need to separate my love and affectionate feelings from my feelings about their behavior. I am definitely making that a goal. It isn't easy to do, but it is something I need to do. I want to have no emotional reaction to their behavior, just deal with it and move on. Another friend asked me what kind of mother I want to be. So I told her I want to be the mother I am to my older children. She pressed me and wanted to know exactly what kind of mother I wanted to be. So I said I wanted to be in-tune with my children, friendly, playful, helpful, loving and affectionate. We were sitting at a table having lunch and she had a fork and a spoon in front of her. She pointed to the spoon and said, "This is the mother you want to be," and she pointed to the fork and said, "This is the mother you have been with the girls." She said I need to be the spoon because that is who I want to be, because that is what makes me happy.
I thought that made a lot of sense. Be the spoon!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
Organizing my thoughts and feelings
I did it again. I started really beating myself up about my feelings toward the girls. It's just so hard. It's like trying to have a relationship with a rock. Not only a rock, but the same rock that repeatedly gets thrown through your window and you have to go clean up the mess. But the rock smiles and acts friendly while it knows it will shatter your window again tonight and feels no remorse whatsoever.
I just don't feel affectionate toward them. I love them and I want them to have a happy life. But I don't want to spend time with them. I don't really like them. I hate that I feel that way. This isn't what I signed up for, but it is what I got.
They haven't changed. They aren't going to change. The sooner I accept that, the better off all of us will be. I can train them. I can teach them manners and how to act in public and to treat me with respect. I can make them clean their rooms and brush their teeth and wipe their bottoms. But only if I check. And check. And check. Nothing ever stays. I can't count on the fact that they have learned that this is important and then move on. No. If I stop checking, they stop doing it.
Lately, I have been adding a notice of consequences to each thing I give them to do, if I know it is something they might not want to do. "Please go brush your teeth and if you don't you will write 25 sentences." "Please don't scream and run around wild in the house while Daddy and I are on our walk, and you can have a piece of candy when we get back. If you do not behave, you will write 25 sentences."
It's just a lot of work. All. The. Time. It's so hard to find any time to fall in love with them.
But then. I started thinking. I've been trying all this time to be their mother. To be the same mother I have been to my birth children. And it just isn't happening. But then I thought. What if I didn't try to be their mother? What if I tried to be their legal guardian. What responsibilities would a legal guardian have to them? I would need to provide safe happy home while they grow up. I can do that. There are no demands on my emotions if I am just the legal guardian of two emotionally damaged kids that can't change. I brought them into my home to give them a second chance at life. They are getting it. Thinking of it this way is my attempt to let go of the guilt that is eating away at me.
My SIL, the therapist, told me that I have done as much with the girls as anyone could do. She said that feeling guilty isn't helping anything. I agree, but it's hard. I look at them and know that they have been dealt a bad hand. They were born into every kind of abuse and neglect, and likely drug and alcohol exposed in utero. Then they went to two foster homes before coming to mine. Now they have me. I want them to have a mother that adores them and has fun with them. But right now that isn't me. I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to. I am repulsed by their dishonesty. It is constant. It is part of who they are. I can never get to know them because everything is a lie. But then I know that they are just messed up children and it isn't their fault and I think I should be able to get past it. But I can't. And it breaks my heart.
I just don't feel affectionate toward them. I love them and I want them to have a happy life. But I don't want to spend time with them. I don't really like them. I hate that I feel that way. This isn't what I signed up for, but it is what I got.
They haven't changed. They aren't going to change. The sooner I accept that, the better off all of us will be. I can train them. I can teach them manners and how to act in public and to treat me with respect. I can make them clean their rooms and brush their teeth and wipe their bottoms. But only if I check. And check. And check. Nothing ever stays. I can't count on the fact that they have learned that this is important and then move on. No. If I stop checking, they stop doing it.
Lately, I have been adding a notice of consequences to each thing I give them to do, if I know it is something they might not want to do. "Please go brush your teeth and if you don't you will write 25 sentences." "Please don't scream and run around wild in the house while Daddy and I are on our walk, and you can have a piece of candy when we get back. If you do not behave, you will write 25 sentences."
It's just a lot of work. All. The. Time. It's so hard to find any time to fall in love with them.
But then. I started thinking. I've been trying all this time to be their mother. To be the same mother I have been to my birth children. And it just isn't happening. But then I thought. What if I didn't try to be their mother? What if I tried to be their legal guardian. What responsibilities would a legal guardian have to them? I would need to provide safe happy home while they grow up. I can do that. There are no demands on my emotions if I am just the legal guardian of two emotionally damaged kids that can't change. I brought them into my home to give them a second chance at life. They are getting it. Thinking of it this way is my attempt to let go of the guilt that is eating away at me.
My SIL, the therapist, told me that I have done as much with the girls as anyone could do. She said that feeling guilty isn't helping anything. I agree, but it's hard. I look at them and know that they have been dealt a bad hand. They were born into every kind of abuse and neglect, and likely drug and alcohol exposed in utero. Then they went to two foster homes before coming to mine. Now they have me. I want them to have a mother that adores them and has fun with them. But right now that isn't me. I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to. I am repulsed by their dishonesty. It is constant. It is part of who they are. I can never get to know them because everything is a lie. But then I know that they are just messed up children and it isn't their fault and I think I should be able to get past it. But I can't. And it breaks my heart.
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