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I have talked to a couple of friends recently about my feelings about the girls. I've received some good advice. One said that I need to separate my love and affectionate feelings from my feelings about their behavior. I am definitely making that a goal. It isn't easy to do, but it is something I need to do. I want to have no emotional reaction to their behavior, just deal with it and move on. Another friend asked me what kind of mother I want to be. So I told her I want to be the mother I am to my older children. She pressed me and wanted to know exactly what kind of mother I wanted to be. So I said I wanted to be in-tune with my children, friendly, playful, helpful, loving and affectionate. We were sitting at a table having lunch and she had a fork and a spoon in front of her. She pointed to the spoon and said, "This is the mother you want to be," and she pointed to the fork and said, "This is the mother you have been with the girls." She said I need to be the spoon because that is who I want to be, because that is what makes me happy.
I thought that made a lot of sense. Be the spoon!
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2 comments:
it sounds as though you are much more 'at peace' with this situation. and that is key.
keep pressing on!
Am going through similar things right now. I'm not able to be the Mom I've wanted to be with my six-year old son, who has PDD-NOS. I feel more like a social worker to him most days than a mother. My therapist asked if I adopted him to be a social worker or a mother. I told her I didn't adopt him for me. I adopted him for his sake. We have foster parented since 2000 and just "graduated" our 18 year old into independent living. We went in thinking we could change her world, and were disappointed when she didn't shake the compulsive lying and other behaviors. I always bring myself back to what we DID do for her - provided her a consistent home and a chance to be a part of a family. Love as a choice. Not as a feeling. Easier said than done.
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