Internal Struggles

Blondie hasn't improved, and now Bubbles is getting worse. She lied and disobeyed all weekend.

Yesterday Bubbles had a field trip at school. Blondie came home and told on Bubbles for something that happened at school. It wasn't that big of a deal, and the punishment would have been next to nothing, if it was true. Bubbles denied it. In the past, Blondie has been jealous of Bubbles when she gets to go have fun, and she has lied about her to get her in trouble. That's what I thought was happening. I kept my cool, and I told them that they would both have to go into time out until they wanted to tell the truth. They were probably in time out for about 1.5 hours (with me reminding them every 10 minutes that this would end as soon as they wanted to tell the truth, and they were in complete control of it, and could end it whenever they wanted), when I realized that there was a witness to the situation. Blondie had told me that Bubbles' friend was part of it, so I decided to call her for verification. Her friend told me that it did NOT happen. So there was my proof that Blondie was lying. BUT Blondie stubbornly insisted that it DID happen, and that was the wrong girl, it was another girl. Bubbles said the second girl wasn't even there, and had gone home right after the field trip. So I called the first girl's mom again, (embarrassing!) and found out that the second girl WAS there during the situation. So then Bubbles said that the second girl was there for a little while but then left early. So I had to call the second girl. The second girl verified EVERYTHING that Blondie had told me.

I really felt horrible. I was in shock. Bubbles has never done this before. In every situation up until this, Bubbles was telling the truth. In my heart I just knew who was actually lying, but since I couldn't prove it I was just letting both of them sit in time out. I hate punishing an innocent person, but if they were honest all the time, we'd have trust and I'd know who was lying. Anyway, I sincerely apologized to Blondie, because I had been accusing her of lying the whole time, but also telling Bubbles that since she had been lying all weekend I couldn't be sure it wasn't her.

My heart is just broken right now. I thought we were making headway with Bubbles. Now she's acting just like Blondie. I'm so worn down. This job is bigger than I am.

I want to learn to separate myself from their behavior. I want my behavior to not be dependent on theirs. I want to be able to be happy and at peace, no matter what they do, or how disappointing their behavior is. I want to be a mature adult, who sees the big picture when I deal with them. I want to love them unconditionally. I want to be that person, no matter how they turn out or what they do.

Instead, I celebrate when they leave for school, and I dread when they get home. I'm emotionally distant from them. I'm self-protecting from all the hurt and disappointment they cause me. I'm angry that love and logic doesn't work. I've spent two and a half years of my life pouring myself into them and they are still doing the same old things they did when they got here.

Is this how God sees us? He gave us a bible, and He is ready and willing to hear our prayers, and He has supplied us with everything we need to make the right decisions and live a good life. But instead we ignore Him and go off on our own, over and over again. But He doesn't lose hope and become emotionally distant. He doesn't dread my prayers or feel disgusted with my feeble attempts to read my bible. He's still there cheering me on, longing for me, no matter what. Why can't I be like that? I want to be.

I had no idea how hard this would be. I thought I was a better person than I am. I'm turning bitter toward them. How can this be? I guess you would have to spend two and a half years with them to know.

I called my FIL crying this morning, disappointed in myself and in them. He told me that he thought God sent the girls to me because anyone else would have given up on them and that I won't. Lately I've just been wanting them gone. Of course I won't act on those feelings, but it's like that dream of what you would do if you won a million dollars.

If I could go back and undo this adoption, I would, in a heartbeat. So fast it would make your head spin. Or maybe I wouldn't. Because somewhere, deep down, I love them and I still have hope. I'd be willing to try it for a little while longer. It's funny, as I let my mind try that on, suddenly I started backing up. I don't want them to go! I just want them to try. That's all. And I want to be the mom they need. I just wish I knew how.

More Choices

I'm working hard to come up with ways to give her more choices. This morning I asked her what fruit she wanted in her lunch and what kind of jelly she wanted on her sandwich. I don't know if it will help, but I do want to empower her in any way I can.

I forgot about this one: I've been fighting her all year trying to get her to do her schoolwork. I even went up and sat in her classroom one day. All to no avail. She was still throwing away her papers as late as last week. So I gave up. I told her that she doesn't have to do anymore homework, I don't care, as she obviously doesn't care as she has shown over and over and over all year long. Anyway she was pretty shocked by that announcement. I told her that if she wants to fail fourth grade that badly, I would no longer stand in her way. Have at it.

She's been doing her homework ever since. It's kind of funny actually. She brings me her folder, and as I pull the papers out I ask her, "Would you like to do this or throw it away?" and she always says she wants to do it. Of course, that doesn't mean she isn't still throwing some away at school. But I've put the decision in her hands. I want to protect her from herself, but it's more work than I can handle. Some things are just going to have to slide if I'm going to get through this with my sanity.

More Lying

Lying about food. Again.

This time she brought her lunch to school, but she decided to use her lunch ticket instead. She lied to her teacher and told her she had my permission. Her lunch ticket only has a few dollars on it, and it is for emergencies in case she forgets her lunch and I'm across town somewhere and can't bring it to her.

So I took the money out of her allowance and made her pay for it. She also had oatmeal for supper and went to bed early for her disobedience.

Last Friday she snuck her headphones to school, after asking me if she could take something to school. I told her no, because that is a privilege they get on Fridays if they have behaved at school all week, and she hadn't.

She is very rebellious, but she hides it. She cooperates to our faces, but then does whatever she wants behind our backs. I really don't know how to handle this. I want to give her more control, but she makes poor choices, and I think that is poor parenting. If a child isn't old enough or responsible enough to make safe, healthy choices for themselves then they don't need to be in charge of their own care.

It's so hard to deal with a kid that just doesn't care. She just DOESN'T CARE. I can reward and punish until hell freezes over, but I can't make her care.

We told her that from now on, if she directly disobeys us (breaking an established rule), vs. just being impulsive (like talking out of turn in class) she will lose something out of her room. She will also have to wear plain white t-shirts and jeans for a week, instead of getting to pick out her own clothes from the array of new things I bought her in the past couple of weeks.

It's easy to want to just give up and quit trying. Nothing I've done has gotten through to her yet, and I have no reason to believe that it will. I have to remember that she is in God's hands, not mine. It's so hard to wait for him to heal the broken places inside her.

I'm angry that she is messed up inside from what was done to her, and she is left to deal with the fallout. It's not her fault that she was neglected and abused as a child. I know that developmentally she didn't receive the right input at the right times. But why should she have to suffer for it for the rest of her life?

I'm just rambling and upset. I wish, wish, wish that I could help this child, help her understand that I love her and care about her and that I am her greatest resource here on this earth, as mother, friend, mentor, teacher. But she pays more attention to the leaves blowing by on the sidewalk than any of my counsel. It hurts that I can't reach her.

I feel such a crazy mix of compassion, understanding, pain and anger. I was so naive when I signed up for this.

Cheese Pizza and Cheezits

Blondie is allergic to dairy products. When she first came to live with me, her nose was so stopped up that she sounded like Darth Vader all the time, particularly when she was sleeping. The doctor had us do saline flushes five time a day. We finally got her nose cleared up and got her off dairy products and her breathing has been fine since then. Once she cheated and ate ice cream and got an ear infection, but that was about a year ago.

Anyway, Bubbles came home yesterday and told me that she had seen Blondie in the bathroom before school, eating pizza and cheezits. Both kids eat breakfast before going to school every day, and they bring their lunch with them. So it isn't like she is going to school hungry. This all goes back to her food issues. But she has a nice friend who we'll call Sweetie. One day when I took Sonic to Blondie for lunch, Sweetie sat with us and told me that I should send Blondie more food. Blondie was embarrassed and gave me a tiny headshake no. I said to Sweetie, "I think Blondie just likes to eat other peoples' food." I had been sending extra food with Blondie for a while, but she told me to stop because it was too much. Evidently it's because she's eating Sweetie's food!

Anyway, she denied and denied and denied that she had eaten the food, and accused Bubbles of lying about her. Due to every past encounter like this, I was pretty sure that Bubbles was telling the truth, but Blondie can be very convincing even when lying through her teeth, so I went back to Bubbles a couple of times and questioned her. I told Blondie that I really needed her to tell me the truth and that if she didn't tell me, I wouldn't let her go on the field trip in two weeks. She continued to deny. So I called the school and got her friend's number. She was adamant that I call her friend to verify her story. So was Bubbles. So frustrated at this point, but holding my temper. I talked to Blondie alone one more time, and explained that by calling her friend, we could very well get her in trouble with her mother for using her meal ticket to buy food for Blondie, and that Sweetie might not appreciate that and continue to want to be friends. She still insisted that I call her. So I did. But I didn't get an answer and I left a message for her mom to call me back.

THEN. THEN! I asked Blondie how I knew that she hadn't already told her friend to lie for her. And she said, "I didn't ask her to lie. I forgot all about it. When we were coming down the driveway just now I was really happy because I had forgotten all about it." Oops!

So I said, "You just told me the truth. Do you realize that?" And her face fell and she realized that she had let the cat out of the bag. So she lost her chance to go on the field trip. And she gets to do Bubbles' chores for the next two weeks in addition to her own for accusing her of lying.

I called the VP at her school this morning, and she talked to Sweetie about the situation. Sweetie said that Blondie has been telling her that she doesn't get breakfast in the mornings, and Sweetie thinks I don't send enough food for Blondie. The VP explained that it wasn't safe for Blondie to be eating food in bathroom because she could choke and no one would know, and besides it's just gross! She also mentioned that Blondie might have allergies she didn't know about, and that she needed to let Blondie's mother determine what Blondie eats.

Oh, and she lied to me on Monday and told me that she forgot to bring home her folder with her behavior chart. Then when she brought it home yesterday, she had scribbled out what the teacher wrote in it.

She had really been doing better the past two weeks. I guess she just couldn't keep it up.