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Blondie hasn't improved, and now Bubbles is getting worse. She lied and disobeyed all weekend.
Yesterday Bubbles had a field trip at school. Blondie came home and told on Bubbles for something that happened at school. It wasn't that big of a deal, and the punishment would have been next to nothing, if it was true. Bubbles denied it. In the past, Blondie has been jealous of Bubbles when she gets to go have fun, and she has lied about her to get her in trouble. That's what I thought was happening. I kept my cool, and I told them that they would both have to go into time out until they wanted to tell the truth. They were probably in time out for about 1.5 hours (with me reminding them every 10 minutes that this would end as soon as they wanted to tell the truth, and they were in complete control of it, and could end it whenever they wanted), when I realized that there was a witness to the situation. Blondie had told me that Bubbles' friend was part of it, so I decided to call her for verification. Her friend told me that it did NOT happen. So there was my proof that Blondie was lying. BUT Blondie stubbornly insisted that it DID happen, and that was the wrong girl, it was another girl. Bubbles said the second girl wasn't even there, and had gone home right after the field trip. So I called the first girl's mom again, (embarrassing!) and found out that the second girl WAS there during the situation. So then Bubbles said that the second girl was there for a little while but then left early. So I had to call the second girl. The second girl verified EVERYTHING that Blondie had told me.
I really felt horrible. I was in shock. Bubbles has never done this before. In every situation up until this, Bubbles was telling the truth. In my heart I just knew who was actually lying, but since I couldn't prove it I was just letting both of them sit in time out. I hate punishing an innocent person, but if they were honest all the time, we'd have trust and I'd know who was lying. Anyway, I sincerely apologized to Blondie, because I had been accusing her of lying the whole time, but also telling Bubbles that since she had been lying all weekend I couldn't be sure it wasn't her.
My heart is just broken right now. I thought we were making headway with Bubbles. Now she's acting just like Blondie. I'm so worn down. This job is bigger than I am.
I want to learn to separate myself from their behavior. I want my behavior to not be dependent on theirs. I want to be able to be happy and at peace, no matter what they do, or how disappointing their behavior is. I want to be a mature adult, who sees the big picture when I deal with them. I want to love them unconditionally. I want to be that person, no matter how they turn out or what they do.
Instead, I celebrate when they leave for school, and I dread when they get home. I'm emotionally distant from them. I'm self-protecting from all the hurt and disappointment they cause me. I'm angry that love and logic doesn't work. I've spent two and a half years of my life pouring myself into them and they are still doing the same old things they did when they got here.
Is this how God sees us? He gave us a bible, and He is ready and willing to hear our prayers, and He has supplied us with everything we need to make the right decisions and live a good life. But instead we ignore Him and go off on our own, over and over again. But He doesn't lose hope and become emotionally distant. He doesn't dread my prayers or feel disgusted with my feeble attempts to read my bible. He's still there cheering me on, longing for me, no matter what. Why can't I be like that? I want to be.
I had no idea how hard this would be. I thought I was a better person than I am. I'm turning bitter toward them. How can this be? I guess you would have to spend two and a half years with them to know.
I called my FIL crying this morning, disappointed in myself and in them. He told me that he thought God sent the girls to me because anyone else would have given up on them and that I won't. Lately I've just been wanting them gone. Of course I won't act on those feelings, but it's like that dream of what you would do if you won a million dollars.
If I could go back and undo this adoption, I would, in a heartbeat. So fast it would make your head spin. Or maybe I wouldn't. Because somewhere, deep down, I love them and I still have hope. I'd be willing to try it for a little while longer. It's funny, as I let my mind try that on, suddenly I started backing up. I don't want them to go! I just want them to try. That's all. And I want to be the mom they need. I just wish I knew how.
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2 comments:
I know exactly what you are feeling and thinking and going through. We had to turn back two children whom we've had guardianship for for almost 3 years. We have 3 bio kids and it came down to whether I was going to meet the needs of my children or them. Because they were so needy, I couldn't do both. I lost my first husband to cancer, and I would consider the loss of those two children right up there with losing my first husband. If God is telling you to stay with them, then that is what you must do. I had the same feelings of resentment when we went through all the issues of lying, stealing, manipulation. If you are going to put your whole self into them, then you are going to have those deep feelings of disappointment. I think that people who do foster care, don't have that feeling of investment in the kids like people who adopt or take on permancy. You have to know that you are doing the best job you can. Apologizing to your children speaks volumes about your character. All you can do is pray that it will come to them later. Have you cried in front of these children? Do they see your disappointment in that way? I am only asking because in the end, I was such an emotional mess, that I cried when they stole repeatedly or lied or whatever. I did actually see a look on their face that I never saw before. These kids don't understand consequences, guilt, or anyone elses feelings in a situation. But if i could do anything over, I would have cried more in front of them so they could see how disappointed I was. I hope this helps. I'm praying for you today.
I just found your Blog through Kari's. I live with these feelings myself. You did a nice job of describing them. How you put your heart and soul into everything and it turns upside down and how to keep on going for years and years when it seems you are back where you started each day. That is my life with my daughter. Every day,w e start from scratch. We have made strides but there are a lot of things that are very basic that we have stuggled with tousands of times. It is so draining and frustrating. You keep on keepin on. Don't let 'em win ;)
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