More Lying

Lying about food. Again.

This time she brought her lunch to school, but she decided to use her lunch ticket instead. She lied to her teacher and told her she had my permission. Her lunch ticket only has a few dollars on it, and it is for emergencies in case she forgets her lunch and I'm across town somewhere and can't bring it to her.

So I took the money out of her allowance and made her pay for it. She also had oatmeal for supper and went to bed early for her disobedience.

Last Friday she snuck her headphones to school, after asking me if she could take something to school. I told her no, because that is a privilege they get on Fridays if they have behaved at school all week, and she hadn't.

She is very rebellious, but she hides it. She cooperates to our faces, but then does whatever she wants behind our backs. I really don't know how to handle this. I want to give her more control, but she makes poor choices, and I think that is poor parenting. If a child isn't old enough or responsible enough to make safe, healthy choices for themselves then they don't need to be in charge of their own care.

It's so hard to deal with a kid that just doesn't care. She just DOESN'T CARE. I can reward and punish until hell freezes over, but I can't make her care.

We told her that from now on, if she directly disobeys us (breaking an established rule), vs. just being impulsive (like talking out of turn in class) she will lose something out of her room. She will also have to wear plain white t-shirts and jeans for a week, instead of getting to pick out her own clothes from the array of new things I bought her in the past couple of weeks.

It's easy to want to just give up and quit trying. Nothing I've done has gotten through to her yet, and I have no reason to believe that it will. I have to remember that she is in God's hands, not mine. It's so hard to wait for him to heal the broken places inside her.

I'm angry that she is messed up inside from what was done to her, and she is left to deal with the fallout. It's not her fault that she was neglected and abused as a child. I know that developmentally she didn't receive the right input at the right times. But why should she have to suffer for it for the rest of her life?

I'm just rambling and upset. I wish, wish, wish that I could help this child, help her understand that I love her and care about her and that I am her greatest resource here on this earth, as mother, friend, mentor, teacher. But she pays more attention to the leaves blowing by on the sidewalk than any of my counsel. It hurts that I can't reach her.

I feel such a crazy mix of compassion, understanding, pain and anger. I was so naive when I signed up for this.