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I guess I don't understand. From the responses I've gotten, some as comments and some directly to my email, people seem to think I should discourage my son from telling me about Blondie or Bubble's behavior. There is no triad going on with my son, Bubbles and me. There are six of us in this family. My son is just as likely to tell us about Blondie or Bubbles, and he is just as likely to tell my husband or me. If my oldest daughter did something dangerous or stupid, he'd tell us about that too. We expect him to. We have encouraged him to. We should all be looking out for each other's welfare. That said, we have also discouraged him from tattling about every little thing. There are many things he has told us that we have ignored or told him that those were little things that didn't mean much. We don't expect him to know what is a big thing or what is small, so we just let him tell us everything he feels is important and we decide from there.
I really thought that bullying was a big deal, but evidently you guys don't. All you could see was that my son was doing something wrong. Well, I disagree. If one of my children is acting in a threatening manner toward a much smaller child, I need to be told. If one of my children is throwing things off the bus that could cause injury to a person or damage to a vehicle, I need to be told. If one of my children is standing up on the bus, and could be hurt if the bus comes to a sudden stop, I need to be told. I will not discourage my son or any of my children from telling me about harmful behavior.
Incidentally, my son tells us in private about these things.
About Me
- Sunshine
- This is the story of how we expanded our family through adoption. Our family: Boaz (husband and dad), Sunshine (wife and mother), Babygirl (our oldest), Bucky (our son), Blondie (our middle daughter) and Bubbles (the baby)
6 comments:
I completely agree with what you are saying, and am surprised that you have received messages otherwise. Kids aren't going to do things correctly, and sometimes need adults stepping in and letting them know that what they did was really wrong or dangerous and why. It's not about leaving food out or something minute, but the bigger things are important to know about. I think you are doing the right thing encouraging that. I wish I knew what to tell you about the bullying. That's something I haven't dealt with much. I had one foster child who didn't have many friends, although he wanted them, because he often told others what to do. It was a hard connection for him to make and he left before he got that concept. Good luck!!!
I'm surprised too - just didn't comment as I have no experience. But bullying IS serious, and can lead to worse things down the road if not addressed. And yeah, she'll have a tough time making friends. My guess is that if I were her parent, I'd probably insist she apologize next Sunday to the little girl, but from what I understand, forced apologies are ineffective. I might ask her to come up with an idea for doing something nice for the girl - hmm. Its tough. I've still got a lot to learn. But I'm surprised folks would respond negatively - seems discipline is getting a lot more lax than it was when I was a kid.
It's easy to forget that we don't hear everything. We hear about the incidents where Bucky tattles on Bubbles or Blondie and then the girls are punished. We don't hear about the times he tattles and it isn't such a big deal and is ignored. All we have to go on is what we read here, so forgive our misunderstandings.
On another note, I think it is very hard and sometimes ineffective to punish a child after the fact. I realize that as parents we can't be with them ALL the time, but discipline is so much more effective "at the scene of the crime." What was the response of the adult in charge during the bullying incident?
If Bubbles is appropriately disciplined by the adult on duty, what are your thoughts on giving her additional consequences later?
I would never discourage Bucky from telling you anything. One of these day that line of communication may not be so open to you (In my experience teen boys withdraw from Mom) It is obvious that he cares about his Sister's, otherwise he would not mention anything to you.
As far as Bubble being a bully, I would try to talk to her and relate the feeings of the hurt child to how she would feel it she were the one being bullied. Maybe it might make her stop and think before she says something hurtfull in the future.
Keep up the good work, you and Boaz are doing a great job. I look forward to hearing all about your family adventures.
Ks (Cuz)
Wow, you got THOSE kinds of responses? I'm surprised. I don't see your son as being in the middle. All family members need to look out for and protect one another. Sometimes that means telling. Now, as a seasoned parent, YOU know when he crosses the line of being helpful and doing it to get the other in trouble.
As for the bullying, I was bullied. Many times throughout junior high and high school. It was terrible. It made me want to avoid school and I would get sick over the thought of having to ride the bus.
My HUGE father finally talked to the boys doing the harassment and it stopped. I certainly think it needs to be addressed and maybe try to focus on how she can be extra helpful and NICE in these situations, how she can GIVE instead of get. I know it sounds off, but maybe it will at least get her thinking along a different track. Good luck!
"Awareness" that triangle develop in family situations like you described. That was what my comment was about. Like all of us, "hurt people (including children), hurt people."
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