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School starts tomorrow and that is a huge relief for me. I've survived the summer without killing anyone. I think that I have fallen into a mild depression. I feel that I need someone to talk to, but the problem is that no one understands. I don't have any friends or family who have ever adopted foster kids. My husband and FIL are about the only ones I can talk to that "get it". Talking with my friends just frustrates me, because they suggest all the things I have already tried, and they just don't understand how I can feel the way I do. I'm very hesitant to even express my feelings because everyone feels so sorry for the girls because of their prior circumstances.
I'm about 95% hopeless at this point that they will ever change. That gives me no will to try. I'm still going through the motions, and disciplining them and making them mind. I give them hugs when they ask for them. But I feel numb toward them 99% of the time.
I talked with Boaz about it this morning. He said that I expect too much of myself and I set the bar too high. He said that we need to feed and clothe the girls and keep them safe, and try to be nice to them, and that was a good enough goal for now. My goal is to be the Mom they need, complete with affection, praise and genuine heartfelt love. But I'm unable to provide those last three things. I force myselft to tolerate their presence and speak nicely to them. Then at other times I actually enjoy spending time with them. It's just few and far between.
I want it to be different, but I haven't yet figured out how to change how I feel inside. Is that even possible? I don't know. I do know that the guilt is overwhelming. I know exactly what I should do, and I want to, but when the time comes to act on it, then I don't want to. Does that make sense?
So at this point, I guess my goal is just to feed, clothe and be nice to them. I can't wait for some peace and quiet tomorrow. I'd love to just lay on the floor and cry all day, but I won't. I'll go to my yoga class and out to lunch with a friend, and I'll greet the kids when they get home and make dinner for everyone. And keep holding it all in.
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1 comment:
that you are taking the time that you need is so important, I am glad that you will get to do that tomorrow.
Your goal to be the Mom that they need may be the one that you are actually achieving.
Weird idea that, isn't it?
But I think it might be the right one.
Maybe they can't truly can't cope with the kind of relationship that you wish you could offer.
Recently my youngest daughter and I had a very BAD day - and I burst and yelled at her that she seemed to wait until late at night to come to me with her sleeping problems - even though I had asked, begged, pleaded and explained that I get so grumpy and unpleasant late at night and to come to me earlier - I told her I felt like she was doing it on purpose because she didn't want to deal with the nice, reasonable Mom but she wanted the worst of me instead.
BINGO. She did do it on purpose. She didn't want the nice Mom because then maybe she won't miss me as much when I disappear.
Anway...When I could remember - I kept reminding myself that it took a while to get to know and love my birth children for who they were - I loved them from the outset of course but not because I knew their personalities but because they were babies and they were automatically mine and so dependent on me.
And, also when I could remember and was calm enough, I kept telling myself that my newest kids and I have not had the luxury of that infant time and that made this mothering journey with them so different and odd and often uncomfortable.
It has been a little over two years since my two youngest moved in with us and it has not been easy or smooth - particularly with my youngest daughter.
I have trouble hugging her with meaning much of the time and feel guilty that I often feel a sense of dread or annoyance at the prospect of dealing with her because I don't know what to expect with her and her behaviours and that keeps me off balance and frankly exhausted.
Recently I read this brilliant and poigant, for me, article at
http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html
It helped ground me again during the really storm tossed time with my youngest daughter.
Sorry to blather on, it is just that I really do get some of what you are saying.
I really do.
I am so lonely sometimes I could scream.
We just came back from camping for a week with other families - most of whom think I am some kind of angry nut and that my little daughter is so adorable and sweet and not even a little bit manipulative....argh.
take care, thinking of you
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