I haven't had any complaints from the teachers yet, and Blondie seems to be doing her homework so far. I've left it entirely up to her whether she wants to do her homework or not. I did, however, want to empower her teachers with some advice about how Blondie responds to correction. I sent them an email yesterday letting them know that if her consequences don't affect her immediate comfort, they are basically useless. I also let them know that she would sabotage any attempts to send home notes that informed me of bad behavior. I let them know that I was very interested in seeing Blondie succeed in 5th grade and that I was available any time they need help with her.

Blondie has four teachers this year (they rotate for each subject) and I got this response from one of them:

"Hey there!
Thank you for emailing us. Blondie has been a sweet girl so far. As of today, she’s been working pretty hard on her school work and working well within her group in my class. I have had to remind her about a few of the class procedures…but other than that, she’s great! Thank you for the tips. I check my emailing often at school, and I have it forwarded to my phone, so if you EVER have a question please don’t hesitate to email me. I usually respond within the hour."

I'm glad to get a good report back. However it is only the first week. She probably won't show her true colors for another week or so. I'm hoping that maturity has improved her behavior this year, but only time will tell. I was very encouraged by the teacher's response. I hope I hear back from the others as well.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling a lot better today. Gawdess left an encouraging comment on my last post that helped a lot. It had never occurred to me that I might already be the mom they need for now. I'm hopeful that we will grow together into a closer relationship, and that relaxing and letting it happen will work better than guilt and worrying about it.

I love them but I don't like them. That's another thing someone helped me to realize yesterday. I kept thinking that I sort of love them, and that bothered me a lot. But that isn't true. I love them. I just don't like their behavior, and that drives me away.

I'm also trying to let them deal with the consequences of their actions, such as Blondie not doing her schoolwork and ergo failing 5th grade this year. I fought her all year last year with next to no results, other than my own extreme frustration. This year I am letting go. It is her choice if she does her work or not. She can do it or not do it, fail or not fail. She can behave in class if she wants to, or disobey and miss recess. My rewards and punishments from home have no effect on her when she is at school, so I may as well not do anything.

Last year I offered a slush on Friday to those who obeyed in class all week. This year, everybody gets a slush on Friday. Last year, I would bring them lunch every three weeks, dependent on their progress reports and report cards. This year I'm just going to have lunch with them every three weeks. If I wait for them, particularly Blondie, to earn the good things in life, she won't get any.

I'm going to attempt to take the advice that I got from my sister-in-law when we first brought the girls home. Work on the relationship, and then work on the discipline. I should have listened, because working on the discipline has been so hard that it obliterated our chances at a relationship.

Yesterday when they got home it went very well. Bubbles commented,"Somebody is happy today!" And I really wasn't being silly or anything, just talking and teasing with them a little bit as we went through their papers. I also gave them each a hug that I initiated and they responded to with gusto.

The article on inducement that Gawdess suggested was eye-opening. I pray that I will be able to keep it in mind as I go forward. If you haven't read it and you have adopted foster kids or plan to, you should read it. http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html

School Starts Tomorrow

School starts tomorrow and that is a huge relief for me. I've survived the summer without killing anyone. I think that I have fallen into a mild depression. I feel that I need someone to talk to, but the problem is that no one understands. I don't have any friends or family who have ever adopted foster kids. My husband and FIL are about the only ones I can talk to that "get it". Talking with my friends just frustrates me, because they suggest all the things I have already tried, and they just don't understand how I can feel the way I do. I'm very hesitant to even express my feelings because everyone feels so sorry for the girls because of their prior circumstances.

I'm about 95% hopeless at this point that they will ever change. That gives me no will to try. I'm still going through the motions, and disciplining them and making them mind. I give them hugs when they ask for them. But I feel numb toward them 99% of the time.

I talked with Boaz about it this morning. He said that I expect too much of myself and I set the bar too high. He said that we need to feed and clothe the girls and keep them safe, and try to be nice to them, and that was a good enough goal for now. My goal is to be the Mom they need, complete with affection, praise and genuine heartfelt love. But I'm unable to provide those last three things. I force myselft to tolerate their presence and speak nicely to them. Then at other times I actually enjoy spending time with them. It's just few and far between.

I want it to be different, but I haven't yet figured out how to change how I feel inside. Is that even possible? I don't know. I do know that the guilt is overwhelming. I know exactly what I should do, and I want to, but when the time comes to act on it, then I don't want to. Does that make sense?

So at this point, I guess my goal is just to feed, clothe and be nice to them. I can't wait for some peace and quiet tomorrow. I'd love to just lay on the floor and cry all day, but I won't. I'll go to my yoga class and out to lunch with a friend, and I'll greet the kids when they get home and make dinner for everyone. And keep holding it all in.