We Saw the Therapist Today

I took both my youngest girls to see the therapist today. I really liked her. She really understood everything I told her, and was able to sum up Blondie's issues pretty clearly just from listening to me, such as: she doesn't take responsibility for her actions, and she thinks of herself as a victim and everyone else as a perpetrator. She is stubborn and strong willed and has a quick comeback or argument in any given situation.

For Blondie's homework issues, she recommended an enforced homework time each night for 45 minutes. If she doesn't bring any home or there is no homework, I provide some for her. This way she can waste her time doing busy work for me, or she can actually benefit by doing the work she is supposed to do. She said this was the best way to get around the arguing and sabottage of my efforts to get her to do her work. I think it is a good idea and I'm willing to try it.

She is also going to try to get her to open up about her past, which she has never been willing to do before. I really hope she can get through to her. And I haven't had any hope for a while, so it feels nice. It was really nice to finally talk to someone who understood, and didn't judge me for my feelings. My friends mean well, but they just don't get it.

She was straightforward with her, and Blondie seemed to hate the whole thing at first. But then she relaxed a little bit toward the end. After we left I asked Blondie what she thought about her and she said she was nice and she liked her! That's funny, if you could have seen the death glare she was giving her during the appointment.

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.

Some Good News

I contacted the therapist today, and we have an appointment for Thursday morning. I am very thankful. We need help immediately. We have one child that is possibly in danger from another child, and this could potentially cause one child to have to leave our home if the problem can't be corrected.

That would be a complete nightmare.

New, Unwelcome Problems

Things were rocking along pretty well. Not great, but not too bad. Now this.

I have left a message and sent an email to a therapist that was recommended to us a while back. I am hopeful we can get in right away. We are now in a somewhat unlivable situation.

I want to ask for help but I don't want to publicize the situation. Please pray for us.

The Viruses Have Started

Bucky started feeling sick on Thursday: runny nose and sore throat. He made it through school on Friday and then was sick all weekend. Yesterday he said he was feeling better, but then last night he had a fever of 101. This morning Blondie woke up and told me that she had a runny nose and sore throat. She had no fever so I sent her to school.

Here is what is frustrating. I know that I should keep them at home so they don't spread the germs around. The problem is that if they miss too many days of school, the school reports you to the police and you pay a big fine. So I have to send them to school as much as possible to save up for the days that they are too sick to go. There are days I have sent Bucky to school and just made him stay for a couple of hours to get counted "there" for attendance and then gone to pick him up because he had already missed too many days. I've received the ugly notes from the school threatening to call the police because he had missed too much school. Like 8 days. It's crazy. Anyway, I'd be glad to let them all stay home when they are sick. I just can't. Then on the other hand you get ugly letters from the school saying to keep your kids home when they are sick. You just can't win.

I'm going to start my kids taking Cold Eeze daily or some kind of zinc supplement and try to keep them well.

I haven't had any complaints from the teachers yet, and Blondie seems to be doing her homework so far. I've left it entirely up to her whether she wants to do her homework or not. I did, however, want to empower her teachers with some advice about how Blondie responds to correction. I sent them an email yesterday letting them know that if her consequences don't affect her immediate comfort, they are basically useless. I also let them know that she would sabotage any attempts to send home notes that informed me of bad behavior. I let them know that I was very interested in seeing Blondie succeed in 5th grade and that I was available any time they need help with her.

Blondie has four teachers this year (they rotate for each subject) and I got this response from one of them:

"Hey there!
Thank you for emailing us. Blondie has been a sweet girl so far. As of today, she’s been working pretty hard on her school work and working well within her group in my class. I have had to remind her about a few of the class procedures…but other than that, she’s great! Thank you for the tips. I check my emailing often at school, and I have it forwarded to my phone, so if you EVER have a question please don’t hesitate to email me. I usually respond within the hour."

I'm glad to get a good report back. However it is only the first week. She probably won't show her true colors for another week or so. I'm hoping that maturity has improved her behavior this year, but only time will tell. I was very encouraged by the teacher's response. I hope I hear back from the others as well.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling a lot better today. Gawdess left an encouraging comment on my last post that helped a lot. It had never occurred to me that I might already be the mom they need for now. I'm hopeful that we will grow together into a closer relationship, and that relaxing and letting it happen will work better than guilt and worrying about it.

I love them but I don't like them. That's another thing someone helped me to realize yesterday. I kept thinking that I sort of love them, and that bothered me a lot. But that isn't true. I love them. I just don't like their behavior, and that drives me away.

I'm also trying to let them deal with the consequences of their actions, such as Blondie not doing her schoolwork and ergo failing 5th grade this year. I fought her all year last year with next to no results, other than my own extreme frustration. This year I am letting go. It is her choice if she does her work or not. She can do it or not do it, fail or not fail. She can behave in class if she wants to, or disobey and miss recess. My rewards and punishments from home have no effect on her when she is at school, so I may as well not do anything.

Last year I offered a slush on Friday to those who obeyed in class all week. This year, everybody gets a slush on Friday. Last year, I would bring them lunch every three weeks, dependent on their progress reports and report cards. This year I'm just going to have lunch with them every three weeks. If I wait for them, particularly Blondie, to earn the good things in life, she won't get any.

I'm going to attempt to take the advice that I got from my sister-in-law when we first brought the girls home. Work on the relationship, and then work on the discipline. I should have listened, because working on the discipline has been so hard that it obliterated our chances at a relationship.

Yesterday when they got home it went very well. Bubbles commented,"Somebody is happy today!" And I really wasn't being silly or anything, just talking and teasing with them a little bit as we went through their papers. I also gave them each a hug that I initiated and they responded to with gusto.

The article on inducement that Gawdess suggested was eye-opening. I pray that I will be able to keep it in mind as I go forward. If you haven't read it and you have adopted foster kids or plan to, you should read it. http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html

Ready to Give Up

I quit.

That's what I really want to do. SIGH

I'm realizing that a big part of the problem is ME. I have control issues.

SIGH

I can't control her. I need to learn to look at things as they happen, and not as to how I think that behavior will manifest itself in the future. I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind, and then reacting to those things instead of what actually happened. I need to get a grip.

The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I had no idea what I was getting into when I adopted these girls. And compared to a lot of stories I've read on others' blogs, my girls are EASY. Except they aren't teens yet, and that is what scares me. I wonder about the horrors yet to come. Relax, get a grip.

I just want to cry. I've tried so HARD. But all I've done is upset myself. It doesn't change their behavior if I'm nice, mean, attentive, indifferent, happy, angry, advising or holding my tongue. Actually, that's not true. Bubbles is a success story for the most part. So I'm not all bad. And everyone tells me how much the girls have changed since we got them, and how good they are doing now.

But I feel defeated. Ready to throw in the towel. Boaz says I need to focus on changing me because I can't change Blondie. I have to learn how to stay calm and rational in the face of fear and shock. Of course it's my own fault that I was afraid and shocked I guess.

Last night after Blondie and Bubbles had been upstairs in bed for nearly an hour, Babygirl thought of something she needed in her room and ran upstairs to get it. When she got there, she found Blondie huddled in a corner hiding in her room. Blondie stood up, said "Hi Babygirl" and then ran past her out of the room.

So Babygirl told Blondie to come downstairs with her and told me what happened.

It scared me. I was freaked out. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But images of her sneaking into Babygirl's room with evil intent in the middle of the night was going through my head. Having an uncontrollable child wandering through the house at night is unacceptable to me. I did ask her what she was doing in there, and she said she was listening to us downstairs. We weren't talking about anything, really. Babygirl was on the family computer and Bucky and I were playing a game together on the laptop. There wasn't anything to hear. But I had made her close her door and I guess she didn't like that and wanted to listen to us. Or maybe she was lying to me. I really don't know. I do know that she can't be sneaking into Babygirl's room.

I yelled a lot. I said a couple of curse words. I'm really ashamed of my behavior. I wish I could rewind a few years and change this mess. I wish I could rewind about 12 hours.

I need to learn to deal with problems better. Only usually, I'm a calm person. It's just that the stress of the past few years has really gotten to me.

Think long and hard before you adopt kids from foster care. Make sure that you don't have any underlying anger or control issues. You will be challenged to your wit's end. Be sure you can handle it. I'm having a hard time.