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I'm feeling a lot better today. Gawdess left an encouraging comment on my last post that helped a lot. It had never occurred to me that I might already be the mom they need for now. I'm hopeful that we will grow together into a closer relationship, and that relaxing and letting it happen will work better than guilt and worrying about it.
I love them but I don't like them. That's another thing someone helped me to realize yesterday. I kept thinking that I sort of love them, and that bothered me a lot. But that isn't true. I love them. I just don't like their behavior, and that drives me away.
I'm also trying to let them deal with the consequences of their actions, such as Blondie not doing her schoolwork and ergo failing 5th grade this year. I fought her all year last year with next to no results, other than my own extreme frustration. This year I am letting go. It is her choice if she does her work or not. She can do it or not do it, fail or not fail. She can behave in class if she wants to, or disobey and miss recess. My rewards and punishments from home have no effect on her when she is at school, so I may as well not do anything.
Last year I offered a slush on Friday to those who obeyed in class all week. This year, everybody gets a slush on Friday. Last year, I would bring them lunch every three weeks, dependent on their progress reports and report cards. This year I'm just going to have lunch with them every three weeks. If I wait for them, particularly Blondie, to earn the good things in life, she won't get any.
I'm going to attempt to take the advice that I got from my sister-in-law when we first brought the girls home. Work on the relationship, and then work on the discipline. I should have listened, because working on the discipline has been so hard that it obliterated our chances at a relationship.
Yesterday when they got home it went very well. Bubbles commented,"Somebody is happy today!" And I really wasn't being silly or anything, just talking and teasing with them a little bit as we went through their papers. I also gave them each a hug that I initiated and they responded to with gusto.
The article on inducement that Gawdess suggested was eye-opening. I pray that I will be able to keep it in mind as I go forward. If you haven't read it and you have adopted foster kids or plan to, you should read it. http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html
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2 comments:
Happy to hear that you are feeling better. My youngest did not do well in school and at first I hounded,(from the 2nd to the 6th grade) but it did not work,so I let her fail the 6th grade, and guess what, she got new friends the next year kind of started over, however every year, she would struggle the last half of the year, she seemed to get tired of school in the last few months and did not have the ability to stick with it, but she would correct herself and somehow squeek by in the last few weeks (even in her last year as a senior) It did not effect her working life tho, she worked the same job from 10th grade until just recently, when she started a new job. So hang in there, let the little things go. You are leading them by example and they can;t help but see that. They will remember and will do the right things.
So happy to read that you are feeling better - I have thought about you often because your girls came home to you only a short time before my kids came to me.
The hard times have been so hard and I know exactly what you mean about loving but not liking...oh I walk in those shoes so often
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