Three A.M. on my First Day Off

Well here I sit. I've had trouble sleeping for the last week. There are a few reasons I can think of: 1) Nerves over quitting my job 2) I've been lying in bed too long every morning, dreading putting in those last few days at work 3) I haven't been taking my cal-mag supplements that keep my sleep regular.

So anyway, I fully expected to sleep like a baby tonight. Or maybe it was last night by now. Anyway, I woke up at 2:38 and realized my electric blanket was still on, and I was HOT. I'd just had a nightmare about witnessing a head-on collision. I was wide awake. Since I woke up yesterday at 3:45 and disturbed my husband with my tossing and turning, I decided to sneak out quietly, because he has to get up in an hour and go to work all day and really needs his sleep. I had to get my robe from the closet and then I tiptoed to the door and was struggling to open the door without making a sound, when suddenly I hear, "Just go on out and don't come back, I need to get my sleep!" I bit my tongue to keep from retorting that I was doing exactly that, because it would defeat my purpose to wake him up further by fighting with him.

My cat heard me get up and was determined to be let out of the laundry room. He was making quite a racket. My dilemma is that sometimes he tries to open my bedroom door, and that wouldn't really help Boaz sleep if that happens. On the other hand, a yowling door banging cat won't either, so I took the risk. Then the unsatisified cat was determined to be fed. Normally he doesn't eat until 6am, but since cats can't tell time, he decided now was the right time. So he's in there crunching away.

Blondie went to bed with a cold, so I gave her half a dose of nyquil to help her. Evidently it didn't work as well as I had hoped. She was coughing so loud it sounded like she had her mouth open, pointed straight at the bedroom door, putting as much force behind it as she could. I decided to give her some Triaminic Cough & Sore Throat tablets that I have, hoping that would help her sleep for the rest of the night. Halfway up the stairs I had a short debate with myself about whether I should go back down and get her a drink of water. The side that wanted to get the water won out, since it pointed out that if she asks for a drink I'd have to go right back down anyway. So I slipped into Blondie's room with the drink and medicine. She was awake and obviously not feeling well. I gave her the drink first and she gulped away. (Good thing I listened to myself.) Then I gave her the medicine which she chewed up and then she gulped the rest of her water.

So goes the start of my first day off. And it looks like there's a good chance I'll have some company.

Just So Happy

I'm so happy that I'm going to get to stay home. Things are going so smoothly. I've told my parents and my in-laws, and it wasn't nearly as painful as the last time I discussed it with them. The current plan is that I'll stay home for at least six months, and then we'll re-evaluate whether we can continue that or if I need to go back to work. God may have something in store that we don't know about yet, so I'm not making any definite plans. I always have my degree to fall back on if I need to and in the meantime we'll see what opportunities arise.

My mom is keeping Blondie and Bubbles for a few days this week during Spring Break. They have been doing much better than the first time she babysat them. I gave them a stern talk before leaving both mornings this week, plus I've been calling and talking to them on the phone if necessary. However, it's so hard to be stern when I hear those precious little voices on the phone. Too cute!

Babygirl returned home safe and sound from Tennessee last night. She had a great time. We talked for over two hours, with her telling me about her trip and me recounting the days while she was gone. She is such a precious girl and she is growing into a beautiful and wonderful young woman.

I Did It

I came in to work today and gave my two weeks' notice. It's a done deal. My boss took it better than I could have hoped. He told me that HIS wife is quitting HER job too, and he completely understands! That was a big relief.

I'm so happy and full of joy. We bought little tomato and pepper plants, and some flower seeds just for fun. We tilled the garden to get it ready. We can't plant yet because we still may get another freeze.

There were baby chickens at the feed store, and Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles fell in love. We are considering building a chicken coop and raising hens for laying eggs. (Yes, I know it means I'm not a vegan if I eat eggs, and yes I eat eggs sometimes.) Bucky got excited and wants to buy some chickens of his own and sell the eggs for extra money. I wonder how long the excitement will last when he actually has to care for them? Fortunately, I want some chickens too, so I can take care of them if he loses interest. I think he just wants to hold them and play with them, and it will be a little different when they grow up. But we'll see.

We're going on vacation this week! Hooray! I'll post some pictures when we get back.

One Sentence Per Year

Okay, I saw this over on Tamara's blog.

Here goes:

1. I was born very close to Christmas (1968).
2. I moved several times with my parents and we lived with my grandparents off and on. (1969)
3. We moved to Arizona to be close to my mom's sister, and so my dad could work for my uncle. (1970)
4. We moved back to Texas. (1971)
5. We lived in a small two bedroom house and my dog Penny got hit by a train. We accidentally ran over her puppy, Little Penny, who was sleeping behind a tire.(1972)
6. We moved into the three bedroom house next door. I received two baby ducks for an Easter gift. They didn't die and we had to build a pen in the back yard for them. Eventually they were moved out to my grandmother's farm where they reproduced prolifically. (1973)
7. I began kindergarten. I rode to school with a neighbor who had a little pond in front of their house, and I fell into it. I also received a puppy for Halloween, that was given to me in a plastic Halloween bag. He was black with tan markings and we named him Roscoe. (1974)
8. A white dog showed up at our house and wouldn't leave. My parents made me throw rocks at her, but she was determined to stay (it probably didn't help that I petted her when they weren't looking) and she got adopted and named Casey. (1975)
9. We move to a nicer house in a nicer part of town. I meet my best friend for life. (1976)
10. I have a mean old third grade teacher who eats, burps and sleeps through the year. I spend a week with my grandmother in the summer. (1977)
11. I have a wonderful sweet fourth grade teacher who has a sister who is an artist, and she comes to class and teaches us how to draw. (1978)
12. My grandfather gets very sick with lung cancer and dies. I am devastated. I loved to ride on the tractor with him. (1979)
13. My widowed grandmother remarries, which greatly distresses my mother. (1980)
14. I begin junior high school. I have a crush on the boy down the street. He asks one of my best friends to be his girlfriend instead of me. My mother buys me a hair dryer for Christmas and then won't let me use it because it might "hurt" my hair. I'm allowed to wear lipstick and blush only. I walk into my algebra class and hear the most popular girl in school making fun of me.(1981)
15. I hate eighth grade. How awkward. I'm very tall for thirteen, and I stop growing. (1982)
16. I'm allowed to wear full makeup. I'm awkward, smart and not popular. (1983)
17. I find out that one of my friends was molested by her adopted father for the past eight years. She becomes a slut and her sister, also molested, becomes a lesbian. (1984)
18. I meet my future husband at a party I'm not supposed to be at. (1985)
19. I get a job at an outlet clothing store and continue to date my boyfriend. My best friend dates his best friend all through high school. I'm an honor student. My boyfriend gets diagnosed with cancer, has radiation treatment, and is pronounced cured. (1986)
20. I graduate from high school and get married that summer. I move to Austin to go to college. We get a puppy and name her Newton.(1987)
21. My husband is diagosed with cancer again and has chemotherapy. We are we probably won't be able to have children, so we have some sperm frozen before the chemo starts. We also make a half-hearted attempt to get pregnant but it doesn't work. (1988)
22. After the chemo is completed, I get pregnant accidentally. We weren't trying not to, but we thought it wasn't possible. (1989)
23. My husband gets cancer for a third time when I am seven month pregnant with Babygirl. He dies when she is four months old. (1990)
24. I get a full time job and move in with my best friend. My mom babysits Babygirl while I work. I have unhealthy relationships with a couple of guys. I meet Boaz at church. (1991)
25. Boaz asks me out a couple of times but I don't go. Finally we go out, and the next week he attends Babygirl's 2nd birthday party. We get pretty serious by the end of the year. (1992)
26. I marry Boaz. At the end of the year, Bucky is born. (1993)
27. We move from our two bedroom townhouse to a three bedroom rent house. (1994)
28. We struggle working two full time jobs and raising two kids. (1995)
29. A hail storm beats the crap out of our car, we take the $5000 in insurance money and make a downpayment on a house. Three weeks later I go back to college. I decided if I have to work I want to make more money, though I'd really rather stay home. (1996)
30. I go to college. During this time my in-laws help with babysitting and my husband takes care of all the housework so I can study. I do not work. I stay home in the summers with my kids and don't take any classes so they will know me. (1997-1999).
31. I get a good job making lots of money. (2000)
32. We buy a big house in the country two weeks after 9/11. We get our family back into church.(2001)
33. We work and raise kids. (2002)
34. My mother-in-law has a stroke and become bedridden. She was a major part of our lives and this is very distressing. (2003)
34. I hurt my leg and get sciatica. I want to quit my job so bad I go into a minor depression toward the end of the year. (2004)
35. I vow not to be depressed anymore, and if I can never quit, so be it. I decide to live my life to the fullest the best I can. We decide to adopt more kids. We throw ourselves into our real estate business. At the end of the year, we adopt Blondie and Bubbles. (2005)
36. So here we are, and I still want to quit my job, and hopefully it will be soon.

On Again, Off Again, On Again...and A Birthday Party

The stress is just too much. I'll be quitting my job very soon. In fact, I would have put in my notice yesterday....but one of our tenants moved out on Saturday. Another one plans to move out in the next week or two. With that in mind, I need to continue to work until these houses have new tenants in them. We are turning both of the houses over to a property management company. It has been quite an ordeal making calls and chasing rent payments. With these two houses turned over, we'll only have three left that we are managing ourselves, and two of those are good tenants who pay every month on time.

So the current plan is that I will put in my notice as soon as the new houses have tenants. Hallelujah. I really can't wait much longer. I have tried to explain to Boaz many times how I feel, but it's difficult for him to understand. When I tell him that I'm upset that I can't make dinner every night due to time constraints, he tells me to not worry about it, and it's okay if we eat sandwiches all the time. When I tell him that I want to be able to spend more time with the kids, he tells me that the kids are fine and not to worry about it. When I tell him that I'm upset because the house isn't clean, he tells me not to worry about it.

My best friend really put the whole thing in perspective when I talked to her about it. She said that a man's primary job (in his mind) is to be a provider (okay, for most men, I know there are some great Mr. Moms out there). When a man is providing, he feels like a success. If he loses his job and can't provide, he feels like a failure. It's different for a woman (like me anyway). When my house is a wreck, kids want more time with me, dinner is never made, I feel like a failure. When my house is running smoothly and my kids are happy, I feel like a success. It doesn't matter if I was making $500,000 a year, I would still feel like a failure if I couldn't run my home. On the other hand, if the house is a mess, my husband doesn't feel like a failure. It has absolutely no bearing on his self esteem.

Right now the problem is that because I know I'll be quitting soon, that is creating problems of its own. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret when I'm at work. None of them know I'm even considering leaving. Also, I'm trying, at least in my mind, to begin taking on the tasks I will do when I am at home. Boaz correctly diagnosed that and told me to quit it because I "can't ride two horses at the same time". I have to try to keep doing my current role successfully until I can make the switch. It's very hard though, because home is truly where my heart is, and I'm SO CLOSE now. I've never been good at waiting, especially when it is something as big as this. I feel like I want to scream or puke most of the time from being so anxious.

But on with life for now. Bubbles is having a birthday this week. We have planned her very first birthday party. I'm so happy to be able to do this for her. I gave her some invitations to hand out at school, but in retrospect I think I should have mailed them. She gave out a couple to some kids four years older than her! I told her that she needs to give them to kids her own age, and that the older kids most likely won't come to her party. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but she had a few invitations left and I wanted her to give them to age appropriate kids, who would be excited about her party.

Oh well, if nobody comes, then we'll have a fun time with just our family. More cake for us! I had fun buying birthday presents for her. She's getting a Baby Doctor Barbie, a Barbie play house, and a new purse. The child absolutely loves purses! She has a very ugly one that she brought with her from her foster mom's house, so I'm hoping she'll like the new one better. Babygirl is actually embarrassed when Bubbles' carries the current one around. LOL

Babygirl is leaving Thursday night to go to Tennessee with her choir group. They are going to see Elvis' place, and record a song at a real recording studio. That night they will be going to a club that will play the song they recorded while they are there. I wish I was going too!

The Honeymoon is Over

I was told that the kids would "honeymoon" for a few months. We've had Blondie and Bubbles for nearly four months now. Bubbles had quite a bit of trouble about six weeks ago, and it only lasted for a couple of weeks. She is now doing well in school again, and is behaving herself well at home. We are still working on her behavior at church. In addition, she has almost completely quit wetting the bed, with no medication and no pressure from me.

Blondie is now starting to act out more. On Saturday, and then again this morning, she threw a tantrum. It started with her leaving her jeans on the floor on Bubbles' side of the closet. She claimed that she had hung them up on Bubbles' side and then they fell off the hanger. I told her that wasn't true because they wouldn't have fallen where they were, and that she isn't supposed to hang her jeans on Bubbles' side anyway. Blondie proceeded to argue and lie to me, and then she yelled at me. I stayed calm and told her she would have to write sentences for each bad behavior she exhibited. She ended up screaming and I told her she would have to go into a far part of the house and she was free to come back when she could calm down.

She ended up having to make two trips away from us and after the second one I told her to get dressed for school. She came back down, still crying, and I told her that she could spend her last five minutes before school crying or eating her breakfast. She chose to eat.

She left for school happy, skipping and laughing.

And I'm an emotional wreck. She must have nerves of steel from everything she has been through in the past. I don't deal well with screaming and loud crying. I had to turn up the radio so I couldn't hear her, just to be able to function and make lunches for my kids. During all that time, I was worried that she wouldn't calm down in time for school. Would I have to stay home with her until the storm was over? Would I be late for work? Could she possibly be trying to hurt herself while I'm not looking? How often should I go check?

I'm glad she was able to leave happy and I really hope that the incident this morning doesn't cause her to have a bad day at school today. I know it will be hard for me.

I explained to her before she left how she had made the situation worse. She would only have had to write 25 sentences stating "I will hang up my jeans at bedtime."

Instead she also now has:

I will not argue with my mommy.
I will not lie to my mommy.
I will not yell at my mommy.
I will not cry loudly when I get in trouble.

I wonder how long it will take for her to start connecting her actions with her consequences.