On Again, Off Again, On Again...and A Birthday Party

The stress is just too much. I'll be quitting my job very soon. In fact, I would have put in my notice yesterday....but one of our tenants moved out on Saturday. Another one plans to move out in the next week or two. With that in mind, I need to continue to work until these houses have new tenants in them. We are turning both of the houses over to a property management company. It has been quite an ordeal making calls and chasing rent payments. With these two houses turned over, we'll only have three left that we are managing ourselves, and two of those are good tenants who pay every month on time.

So the current plan is that I will put in my notice as soon as the new houses have tenants. Hallelujah. I really can't wait much longer. I have tried to explain to Boaz many times how I feel, but it's difficult for him to understand. When I tell him that I'm upset that I can't make dinner every night due to time constraints, he tells me to not worry about it, and it's okay if we eat sandwiches all the time. When I tell him that I want to be able to spend more time with the kids, he tells me that the kids are fine and not to worry about it. When I tell him that I'm upset because the house isn't clean, he tells me not to worry about it.

My best friend really put the whole thing in perspective when I talked to her about it. She said that a man's primary job (in his mind) is to be a provider (okay, for most men, I know there are some great Mr. Moms out there). When a man is providing, he feels like a success. If he loses his job and can't provide, he feels like a failure. It's different for a woman (like me anyway). When my house is a wreck, kids want more time with me, dinner is never made, I feel like a failure. When my house is running smoothly and my kids are happy, I feel like a success. It doesn't matter if I was making $500,000 a year, I would still feel like a failure if I couldn't run my home. On the other hand, if the house is a mess, my husband doesn't feel like a failure. It has absolutely no bearing on his self esteem.

Right now the problem is that because I know I'll be quitting soon, that is creating problems of its own. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret when I'm at work. None of them know I'm even considering leaving. Also, I'm trying, at least in my mind, to begin taking on the tasks I will do when I am at home. Boaz correctly diagnosed that and told me to quit it because I "can't ride two horses at the same time". I have to try to keep doing my current role successfully until I can make the switch. It's very hard though, because home is truly where my heart is, and I'm SO CLOSE now. I've never been good at waiting, especially when it is something as big as this. I feel like I want to scream or puke most of the time from being so anxious.

But on with life for now. Bubbles is having a birthday this week. We have planned her very first birthday party. I'm so happy to be able to do this for her. I gave her some invitations to hand out at school, but in retrospect I think I should have mailed them. She gave out a couple to some kids four years older than her! I told her that she needs to give them to kids her own age, and that the older kids most likely won't come to her party. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but she had a few invitations left and I wanted her to give them to age appropriate kids, who would be excited about her party.

Oh well, if nobody comes, then we'll have a fun time with just our family. More cake for us! I had fun buying birthday presents for her. She's getting a Baby Doctor Barbie, a Barbie play house, and a new purse. The child absolutely loves purses! She has a very ugly one that she brought with her from her foster mom's house, so I'm hoping she'll like the new one better. Babygirl is actually embarrassed when Bubbles' carries the current one around. LOL

Babygirl is leaving Thursday night to go to Tennessee with her choir group. They are going to see Elvis' place, and record a song at a real recording studio. That night they will be going to a club that will play the song they recorded while they are there. I wish I was going too!