Ok, so everything has changed!

The summer has been great. No really, I mean it, I'm not kidding.

Toward the end of June, Blondie started trying. I'm not sure exactly what changed. It was right after she came back from church camp. Maybe it was that. Maybe something they said got through to her. Or maybe it was the time away and appreciating what she has at home. Or maybe it was the new techniques I've learned through counseling. Or maybe it was everything. Anyway, it has been great.

She has been interested in bonding with me, and has really been making an effort. It's amazing. She still has issues with lying and disobedience but on a smaller scale, and I'm usually able to talk her out of her stubborn stance on the lie much sooner than before.

School starts on Monday and I'm actually going to miss them. Both of them. It's a miracle! I was dreading the summer so much, but it has flown by and I've enjoyed it. I've prayed for a long time to feel like this about both girls and I'm thankful to finally be enjoying some of the fruits of my labor.

Good and Bad

Bubbles is improving. Blondie isn't.

Bubbles is developing a conscience. Blondie isn't.

Bubbles is obviously trying to bond with us and accept responsibility for her actions. Blondie isn't.

Blondie is in counseling. I'm worn out. Heartbroken. Disappointed. Ready to throw in the towel.

Can anyone recommend any books on RAD and ODD that have really helped? There are so many out there but I can't afford the time or money to read them all.

Are there any summer programs in Texas for these kinds of kids that won't break the bank?

I'm running dry.

Some Response

We went back to the therapist today. On the way, I asked Blondie if she had any homework. She said she had a 5 page packet and two worksheets to do. After we got home she did one page for five minutes and said she was finished. So I told her that she owed 40 more minutes and I would give her something to do. Then she told me that she worked on it while I was talking with the therapist. I told her that I could hear her playing with the legos while I was in there, so I knew she couldn't have done more than 5 minutes of homework during that time and she agreed. So I asked her if she was sure she didn't have any more homework, and suddenly she remembered something else she needed to do. Ha!

I guess she really doesn't want to do my busywork.

We Saw the Therapist Today

I took both my youngest girls to see the therapist today. I really liked her. She really understood everything I told her, and was able to sum up Blondie's issues pretty clearly just from listening to me, such as: she doesn't take responsibility for her actions, and she thinks of herself as a victim and everyone else as a perpetrator. She is stubborn and strong willed and has a quick comeback or argument in any given situation.

For Blondie's homework issues, she recommended an enforced homework time each night for 45 minutes. If she doesn't bring any home or there is no homework, I provide some for her. This way she can waste her time doing busy work for me, or she can actually benefit by doing the work she is supposed to do. She said this was the best way to get around the arguing and sabottage of my efforts to get her to do her work. I think it is a good idea and I'm willing to try it.

She is also going to try to get her to open up about her past, which she has never been willing to do before. I really hope she can get through to her. And I haven't had any hope for a while, so it feels nice. It was really nice to finally talk to someone who understood, and didn't judge me for my feelings. My friends mean well, but they just don't get it.

She was straightforward with her, and Blondie seemed to hate the whole thing at first. But then she relaxed a little bit toward the end. After we left I asked Blondie what she thought about her and she said she was nice and she liked her! That's funny, if you could have seen the death glare she was giving her during the appointment.

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.

Some Good News

I contacted the therapist today, and we have an appointment for Thursday morning. I am very thankful. We need help immediately. We have one child that is possibly in danger from another child, and this could potentially cause one child to have to leave our home if the problem can't be corrected.

That would be a complete nightmare.

New, Unwelcome Problems

Things were rocking along pretty well. Not great, but not too bad. Now this.

I have left a message and sent an email to a therapist that was recommended to us a while back. I am hopeful we can get in right away. We are now in a somewhat unlivable situation.

I want to ask for help but I don't want to publicize the situation. Please pray for us.

Still Growing!

Blondie grew a little more than an inch over the last three months. She has grown so much more than I ever expected. I had originally heard from our family doctor that it was a lot of time, effort and discomfort only to achieve an inch or two. Ha! That was so wrong. She has grown about 10 inches so far. She is up to the 25th percentile for her age group. When we started, she was way below the zero percentile. It has definitely been worth the time, effort and discomfort! Her last bone age scan predicted she would be 5'6". That may be a little too optimistic, but I'll be happy just to get her into any normal range. I don't think she's getting teased over her height any more, and that is a very good thing.

On the spoon thing from my post below, I think I'm still just as frequently a fork as a spoon, but I'm trying.

Be The Spoon

I have talked to a couple of friends recently about my feelings about the girls. I've received some good advice. One said that I need to separate my love and affectionate feelings from my feelings about their behavior. I am definitely making that a goal. It isn't easy to do, but it is something I need to do. I want to have no emotional reaction to their behavior, just deal with it and move on. Another friend asked me what kind of mother I want to be. So I told her I want to be the mother I am to my older children. She pressed me and wanted to know exactly what kind of mother I wanted to be. So I said I wanted to be in-tune with my children, friendly, playful, helpful, loving and affectionate. We were sitting at a table having lunch and she had a fork and a spoon in front of her. She pointed to the spoon and said, "This is the mother you want to be," and she pointed to the fork and said, "This is the mother you have been with the girls." She said I need to be the spoon because that is who I want to be, because that is what makes me happy.

I thought that made a lot of sense. Be the spoon!

Organizing my thoughts and feelings

I did it again. I started really beating myself up about my feelings toward the girls. It's just so hard. It's like trying to have a relationship with a rock. Not only a rock, but the same rock that repeatedly gets thrown through your window and you have to go clean up the mess. But the rock smiles and acts friendly while it knows it will shatter your window again tonight and feels no remorse whatsoever.

I just don't feel affectionate toward them. I love them and I want them to have a happy life. But I don't want to spend time with them. I don't really like them. I hate that I feel that way. This isn't what I signed up for, but it is what I got.

They haven't changed. They aren't going to change. The sooner I accept that, the better off all of us will be. I can train them. I can teach them manners and how to act in public and to treat me with respect. I can make them clean their rooms and brush their teeth and wipe their bottoms. But only if I check. And check. And check. Nothing ever stays. I can't count on the fact that they have learned that this is important and then move on. No. If I stop checking, they stop doing it.

Lately, I have been adding a notice of consequences to each thing I give them to do, if I know it is something they might not want to do. "Please go brush your teeth and if you don't you will write 25 sentences." "Please don't scream and run around wild in the house while Daddy and I are on our walk, and you can have a piece of candy when we get back. If you do not behave, you will write 25 sentences."

It's just a lot of work. All. The. Time. It's so hard to find any time to fall in love with them.

But then. I started thinking. I've been trying all this time to be their mother. To be the same mother I have been to my birth children. And it just isn't happening. But then I thought. What if I didn't try to be their mother? What if I tried to be their legal guardian. What responsibilities would a legal guardian have to them? I would need to provide safe happy home while they grow up. I can do that. There are no demands on my emotions if I am just the legal guardian of two emotionally damaged kids that can't change. I brought them into my home to give them a second chance at life. They are getting it. Thinking of it this way is my attempt to let go of the guilt that is eating away at me.

My SIL, the therapist, told me that I have done as much with the girls as anyone could do. She said that feeling guilty isn't helping anything. I agree, but it's hard. I look at them and know that they have been dealt a bad hand. They were born into every kind of abuse and neglect, and likely drug and alcohol exposed in utero. Then they went to two foster homes before coming to mine. Now they have me. I want them to have a mother that adores them and has fun with them. But right now that isn't me. I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to. I am repulsed by their dishonesty. It is constant. It is part of who they are. I can never get to know them because everything is a lie. But then I know that they are just messed up children and it isn't their fault and I think I should be able to get past it. But I can't. And it breaks my heart.