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I quit.
That's what I really want to do. SIGH
I'm realizing that a big part of the problem is ME. I have control issues.
SIGH
I can't control her. I need to learn to look at things as they happen, and not as to how I think that behavior will manifest itself in the future. I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind, and then reacting to those things instead of what actually happened. I need to get a grip.
The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I had no idea what I was getting into when I adopted these girls. And compared to a lot of stories I've read on others' blogs, my girls are EASY. Except they aren't teens yet, and that is what scares me. I wonder about the horrors yet to come. Relax, get a grip.
I just want to cry. I've tried so HARD. But all I've done is upset myself. It doesn't change their behavior if I'm nice, mean, attentive, indifferent, happy, angry, advising or holding my tongue. Actually, that's not true. Bubbles is a success story for the most part. So I'm not all bad. And everyone tells me how much the girls have changed since we got them, and how good they are doing now.
But I feel defeated. Ready to throw in the towel. Boaz says I need to focus on changing me because I can't change Blondie. I have to learn how to stay calm and rational in the face of fear and shock. Of course it's my own fault that I was afraid and shocked I guess.
Last night after Blondie and Bubbles had been upstairs in bed for nearly an hour, Babygirl thought of something she needed in her room and ran upstairs to get it. When she got there, she found Blondie huddled in a corner hiding in her room. Blondie stood up, said "Hi Babygirl" and then ran past her out of the room.
So Babygirl told Blondie to come downstairs with her and told me what happened.
It scared me. I was freaked out. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But images of her sneaking into Babygirl's room with evil intent in the middle of the night was going through my head. Having an uncontrollable child wandering through the house at night is unacceptable to me. I did ask her what she was doing in there, and she said she was listening to us downstairs. We weren't talking about anything, really. Babygirl was on the family computer and Bucky and I were playing a game together on the laptop. There wasn't anything to hear. But I had made her close her door and I guess she didn't like that and wanted to listen to us. Or maybe she was lying to me. I really don't know. I do know that she can't be sneaking into Babygirl's room.
I yelled a lot. I said a couple of curse words. I'm really ashamed of my behavior. I wish I could rewind a few years and change this mess. I wish I could rewind about 12 hours.
I need to learn to deal with problems better. Only usually, I'm a calm person. It's just that the stress of the past few years has really gotten to me.
Think long and hard before you adopt kids from foster care. Make sure that you don't have any underlying anger or control issues. You will be challenged to your wit's end. Be sure you can handle it. I'm having a hard time.
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2 comments:
I have to admit... Before we were able to have a child of our own, we were going to adopt from the state. We were just about done with our homestudy when we found out we were pregnant with our oldest, so we never adopted. But we always said that we would, once our kids were older... But now, after reading so many adoption blogs from people who adopted through the foster care... I don't think so! The ONLY way I would is if we got a baby...
I think I would have the same control issues as you. *sigh*
Hang in there.
this is so hard and your girl sounds so much like mine.
I think that control issues are at the root of all this maybe, but not yours, hers.
my girl needs so much to have some sense of control of her environment and that comes out in some really weird and frustrating and upsetting ways.
my daughter learned from the beginning of her life that she had to behave certain ways in order to have any kind of relationship with her birth mom.
how she learned to relate to that mother is Sooooooooooo different than how I operate that it freaks me right out and she stares at me so uncomprehendingly so much of the time.
she also zones out when she is stressed at all and presents as stupid or willfully so....and it is hard to know when she is legitiately zoned out and when she is being manipulative.
she isn't always conscious of the manipulation either...
it is...
the hardest thing I have ever, ever ,ever tried to do - making a connection with her!
Sometimes it is harder and sometimes it isn't and often I don't know why. I also do believe that there are some organic reasons for some things she does but they are hard to pick out.
she hits my buttons in a way many others don't.
Thank goodness my husband understands, not many other people do.
Thank goodness we can access funding and resources from our gov't.
It does help.
I hear you, I know it is hard.
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