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When we made the decision that I can't/shouldn't quit working in May, it was a hard decision for me. It was made doubly hard by the fact that two years ago, I was desperate to quit. I wanted it and planned for it and prayed for it, and it just didn't happen. God didn't magically zap away all our debt or provide some mysterious source of income that would replace mine. I sunk into a mild depression at the end of 2004.
But beginning in 2005, I turned over a new leaf. It was obviously not God's plan for me to quit at that time. We began to pour ourselves more into our real estate business, and then we pursued the adoption. We stayed very busy during 2005, and I accepted that I would need to keep working for the rest of my life, or at least the next several years. So fast forward to two weeks ago, when Boaz began complaining in earnest about how busy we are and how much he is not enjoying life. He talked about how he just wants to simplify by selling everything and moving far away. I told him that the obvious answer is for me to quit my job and take care of the family so that things aren't so crazy at home trying to get everything done on the evenings and weekends. He was unsure, then he was sure, then he was unsure. I told him that if we weren't going to do this, we needed to stop talking about it because my nerves can't handle it. So we decided for sure that I would quit mid-May. But it was obvious over the course of a week, judging by his ill-temper and snappiness that he was unsettled. Finally last Monday night we hashed the whole thing out. I told him that he wasn't ready for me to quit. He told me that he doesn't want to do it until we are completely out of debt (not counting our mortgage) and have 3-6 months of expenses stashed away in the bank. He felt like if I just worked a few more months we could reach that goal. Ha! I'm the one that does the finances in our home, and I tried to explain why that wasn't true. We spent hours discussing/arguing/making up and replanning. We didn't get much sleep at all Monday night.
So here I am. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to quit. I know it just can't happen if my husband doesn't have peace about it. The pain of it comes from having it dangled in front of me as a real option and then snatched away again. I'd rather it never even be a consideration than go through that.
So I told him there has to be a compromise. I have to have free time on the weekends. Somehow we'll have to have easier meals, hire a maid, do whatever it takes so I can be free to play with my kids and work on projects and just enjoy my life. I don't want to reach 80 years old and look back and see drudgery and nothing else. We live on nine acres and I hardly ever even get to enjoy it. I keep thinking what am I doing all this for?
I'm going shopping this weekend and taking Babygirl, Blondie and my mother. I'm going to play games with Bucky tonight. And Boaz wants to help me with the bills. I think that's a good thing.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Patience is a Virtue...
...that I need to keep working on.
We have decided to put off the "Stay At Home" thing until the end of the year at least. We need to be more financially stable before we take the plunge. A couple of our rent houses may go empty soon and we'll need cash to get them rentable before we get them back on the market.
Anyway, pray for me because it's always hard when the light at the end of the tunnel goes out.
We have decided to put off the "Stay At Home" thing until the end of the year at least. We need to be more financially stable before we take the plunge. A couple of our rent houses may go empty soon and we'll need cash to get them rentable before we get them back on the market.
Anyway, pray for me because it's always hard when the light at the end of the tunnel goes out.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Hog Hunting
Boaz is leaving tonight to go hunting for wild boars at his friend's 200 acre patch of ground. Their whole bible study group is going, which means all five of them. He will be gone for the same length of time I was gone on the retreat. I'm so happy for him to be able to get away and relax. He really needs it.
I'm going to take my four kids to a movie Friday night. It's called Nanny McPhee. That is, unless Boaz talks me out of it. He thinks that since we are trying to save money so I can stay home, that I should just rent a movie and stay home and make popcorn. Now if I hadn't already TOLD the kids we were going out, I would be more willing to do that. But I really don't want to go back on my word (and I really want to go out to the movies....).
Anyway, I have no fear of keeping the kids by myself while he's gone. I've done it several times now on Saturdays when Boaz has to work and it hasn't been a problem. We've been running errands and doing chores and having fun.
I'm scared and excited about quitting my job. Money will be a lot tighter, but time will be much more abundant. I feel like we are making the right choice.
It's funny, everything I've wanted to do in life, my family (okay, my parents) have been right there letting me know what a mistake I was making. It just gets old. Why can't they ever say, "That's great! Let me know how I can help!" But no. When I decided to go back to college to get a degree, I was told that I had a good job that I shouldn't quit. When I wanted to have another baby, I was told that my plate was full and I shouldn't do it. When I decided I wanted to adopt, I was told that I had enough to do already and it would just be too much on me. Now I want to stay home with my kids and actually enjoy my life, while making life easier on my husband and kids, and I am told that I shouldn't do it because I "just don't know how hard it is to be without money." Well I was raised by the same people saying that and we didn't have money then either. But I DID have a stay-at-home mom who had time to play games with me and we took vacations every year and we always had enough to eat. It's just frustrating to NEVER get any support. I know what is right for my family. And if I quit and we find out it's too hard, guess what, I can go back to work. Gee whiz. I really hate that when I'm making big changes I have to dread telling my parents.
Right now I'm hoping I can quit mid-May. That will give me two weeks at home before the kids get out. I have a bunch of things I've been putting off and it would be great to complete those sans kids.
Things I'm looking forward to (if this dream really comes true):
1) Walks in the fresh air among the wildflowers
2) The sunlight on my face
3) Gardening
4) Teaching my girls to cook
5) Playing outside with my kids
6) Teaching my daughter to drive
7) Playing games with my son
8) Homeschooling Blondie and Bubbles (I've always wanted to homeschool)
9) Having dinner ready for my husband when he gets home
10) A clean house
11) Time to clear my mind
12) Exercise
13) Lunch with friends
14) Volunteering at church
15) Talking on the phone
16) Reading
And I could go on and on...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Stay at Home Mom?
Boaz and I have a new goal. We are trying to pay off some debts so that I can become a stay-at-home mom. Life is too short to not enjoy it. We get up, go to work, come home to rush through dinner and homework and then head for bed. This happens over and over, Monday through Friday, leaving the weekends for trying to catch up on the things that didn't get done during the week and of course, church. We don't get to spend much if any quality time with anyone.
We're hoping to have the debts paid down enough that I can quit at the end of May, right at the start of summer vacation. We almost decided to do it now, but it will go a lot smoother in the long run if we wait a little while. It felt like we were rushing into the decision without thinking it through, so we feel a lot better about it now.
I'm also considering homeschooling Blondie and Bubbles next year. I think that a year with me tutoring them one-on-two would do wonders for their scholastic abilities. I also think it would give me time to work on their behaviors so that when they do return to school they will be more obedient with their teachers. I think that it is important for them socially and spiritually to be involved in a school setting, but I think they need some catch up time. I think they need some good, intensive MOMMY time that they've never had. A stretch goal would be to actually get Blondie caught up with where she should be in school, since she had to repeat first grade. I don't know if that is realistic, we'll just have to see. Maybe after a year away and taking her growth hormones, she might even be closer to her rightful size when she returns.
This morning we had the Valentine's assembly line going. Bubbles didn't bring home a list until last night, and due to her behavior she had to go to bed early. So this morning we hurriedly addressed valentines. I wonder if she's ever gotten to participate before?
Happy Valentine's day everyone!
We're hoping to have the debts paid down enough that I can quit at the end of May, right at the start of summer vacation. We almost decided to do it now, but it will go a lot smoother in the long run if we wait a little while. It felt like we were rushing into the decision without thinking it through, so we feel a lot better about it now.
I'm also considering homeschooling Blondie and Bubbles next year. I think that a year with me tutoring them one-on-two would do wonders for their scholastic abilities. I also think it would give me time to work on their behaviors so that when they do return to school they will be more obedient with their teachers. I think that it is important for them socially and spiritually to be involved in a school setting, but I think they need some catch up time. I think they need some good, intensive MOMMY time that they've never had. A stretch goal would be to actually get Blondie caught up with where she should be in school, since she had to repeat first grade. I don't know if that is realistic, we'll just have to see. Maybe after a year away and taking her growth hormones, she might even be closer to her rightful size when she returns.
This morning we had the Valentine's assembly line going. Bubbles didn't bring home a list until last night, and due to her behavior she had to go to bed early. So this morning we hurriedly addressed valentines. I wonder if she's ever gotten to participate before?
Happy Valentine's day everyone!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Unbelievable
Attention Deficit Drugs get Black Box Label
The article above says that 9.3% of 12 year old boys are on ADHD drugs. This country needs to take a serious look at whether we are drugging them because they have a medical problem, or because they are BOYS. I find it impossible to believe that God created 9.3% of our 12 year old boys with a serious medical problem requiring intensive medication.
The article above says that 9.3% of 12 year old boys are on ADHD drugs. This country needs to take a serious look at whether we are drugging them because they have a medical problem, or because they are BOYS. I find it impossible to believe that God created 9.3% of our 12 year old boys with a serious medical problem requiring intensive medication.
Results!
The doctor called with the results from Blondie's tests. He said that she is growth hormone deficient. He said that there are two types of growth hormones, and that one of them is sensitive to environmental factors like nutrition, and the other one is not. He said that she has very low levels of both. I don't know what that means or what is causing it, but at least we have a reason for why she is so small.
He said that her bone age test showed her to be 6 years of age instead of 8.5. I asked him if this was good or bad and what it meant. He said that it is good, because it means she has more growing time. That means she can make up for some of the time she has lost.
He said that her thyroid is normal and that the tests didn't show any signs of a tumor in her head. He wants to run a couple more tests. One will be an MRI and the other will be a test to see if she will respond to growth hormone therapy. If she does, then we will be doing shots every day at home to help her grow. The chromosome tests have not come back yet.
It is a relief to have an answer. I've been mildly appalled at the reactions of some people that I told I was taking her to the doctor. They insinuated that maybe I didn't like her because she was short, or that I wouldn't accept her just the way she was. It really made me angry. I'm trying to help a child who obviously has a growth problem. No one in her past has seen fit to have her checked, but since I want to address the problem and help her, then obviously I'm not willing to accept her the way she is.
Whatever. If she doesn't grow, I will help her to learn to navigate her life as a small adult. My desire to help her had nothing to do with me not wanting her to be short if that was the way God meant her to be. But if she has a head injury that caused her to not grow, why shouldn't I try to seek help?! Sorry for the rant, but I found those insinuations to be quite insulting.
He said that her bone age test showed her to be 6 years of age instead of 8.5. I asked him if this was good or bad and what it meant. He said that it is good, because it means she has more growing time. That means she can make up for some of the time she has lost.
He said that her thyroid is normal and that the tests didn't show any signs of a tumor in her head. He wants to run a couple more tests. One will be an MRI and the other will be a test to see if she will respond to growth hormone therapy. If she does, then we will be doing shots every day at home to help her grow. The chromosome tests have not come back yet.
It is a relief to have an answer. I've been mildly appalled at the reactions of some people that I told I was taking her to the doctor. They insinuated that maybe I didn't like her because she was short, or that I wouldn't accept her just the way she was. It really made me angry. I'm trying to help a child who obviously has a growth problem. No one in her past has seen fit to have her checked, but since I want to address the problem and help her, then obviously I'm not willing to accept her the way she is.
Whatever. If she doesn't grow, I will help her to learn to navigate her life as a small adult. My desire to help her had nothing to do with me not wanting her to be short if that was the way God meant her to be. But if she has a head injury that caused her to not grow, why shouldn't I try to seek help?! Sorry for the rant, but I found those insinuations to be quite insulting.
Doing Better
Babygirl is pretty much well now except for her sore throat. She probably could have gone back to school today, but after missing all week I told her it would be okay to take one more day to rest and recuperate. I called the school this morning and hopefully I'll be able to get some of her work from her teachers so she can start getting caught up this weekend.
Blondie caused a problem on the bus this week, but we didn't find out until Bubbles told us last night. Blondie is supposed to sit at the front of the bus with the younger kids, but her friend Curlie told her it would be okay to sit in the back. Mr. Busdriver told Blondie to come up to the front of the bus four or five times, and she continued to ignore him. Finally he stopped the bus at the side of the road and stood up to come get her, and she decided it was time to do as he asked. For that she was made to go to bed early last night and she will again tonight.
Unfortunately, I fear that the only reason Bubbles told us is because Blondie told on her yesterday too. When Bubbles told us the story, I asked Blondie if what Bubbles was saying was true. She said it wasn't true. So I asked her if she was saying that Bubbles was making up a terrible lie about her, and she told me that yes, Bubbles was making up a terrible lie. So then I asked her if she had sat in the back of the bus, and she said that yes, she did, but she didn't remember anything about Mr. Busdriver telling her to come forward or stopping the bus. I told Blondie that this one would be easy to solve, because I would just call Mr. Busdriver myself today and ask him about it. I also told her that it would be much better to tell the truth now than to wait and let us hear it from Mr. Busdriver. At that point she confessed everything, that the whole story was true. I told her that I was proud of her for telling the truth and that we would respect her more for telling the truth than for lying.
I'm really working hard on having not much if any reaction to their poor behavior, and just delivering the consequences that we feel fit their behavior as best we can. I don't really have any appropriate consequences for bus riding, so going to bed early was the best I could do. She really hates that the most.
Bubbles ran off from her afterschool teacher again yesterday, and pulled Blondie along with her. Blondie was protesting and didn't want to go, but Bubbles was insistent and pulling on her arm. The afterschool teacher wrote a letter and sent it home with Blondie, who didn't give it to me until after Bubbles told on her for her misbehavior on the bus. We had already heard the story as soon as they got home but we had not seen the note. The teacher just told me that she was trying to use time out on the girls at school like we had discussed, but she wanted to let me know what happened.
I told Bubbles that it is very important that she stay with the adults that I leave in charge of her. They can't take care of her if they don't know where she is because she runs off. I told her that I want to know that she is safe and taken care of, and that is impossible if she keeps running off. I kind of saw the lightbulb go off when I explained it to her, but we'll have to see over time if it makes a difference. Mostly she just takes off to get a drink or go to the restroom, but she is supposed to ask permission first so the teacher willl know where she is. Both girls are guilty of this behavior.
Really the biggest problem we have with them right now is that they don't obey the authority figures outside our home. We don't have a problem with them at home, but so far they have disobeyed their teachers at school, Mr. Busdriver, the teachers at church and my mom and dad. My mom and dad didn't provide any consequences if they didn't behave themselves. I had discussed the use of time out with my mom, but they only threatened them but didn't enforce it. So the girls did whatever they wanted, which included yelling and running all over the house and refusing to come when called, etc. Mom and Dad are reluctant to watch them again, but I only partly blame the girls. No one changes without consequences, be they good or bad ones.
So much for getting any time alone with Boaz. I was really hoping that Mom and Dad would be able to provide some babysitting so we could get some date nights. Now I don't know. At least for a while we'll probably have to continue to rough it.
The girls really aren't that bad, it's just that they test all their limits. They respond well to time out but we can't be there with them at school/church/on the bus/at Grandma's house to make sure they mind. They've been doing better in their actual classroom because they know we check their folders everyday. I really think it will just take time and training to help them be obedient wherever they go. They've developed these bad habits over a long period of time and it's going to take a long time to make them go away.
All in all I feel very blessed with them. We were warned of so many scary things that can be present in foster kids, and I feel that we got the cream of the crop with these girls. They don't shout at us, cuss, throw things or tantrum. They are just doing everything that normal children do, except all at once.
Blondie caused a problem on the bus this week, but we didn't find out until Bubbles told us last night. Blondie is supposed to sit at the front of the bus with the younger kids, but her friend Curlie told her it would be okay to sit in the back. Mr. Busdriver told Blondie to come up to the front of the bus four or five times, and she continued to ignore him. Finally he stopped the bus at the side of the road and stood up to come get her, and she decided it was time to do as he asked. For that she was made to go to bed early last night and she will again tonight.
Unfortunately, I fear that the only reason Bubbles told us is because Blondie told on her yesterday too. When Bubbles told us the story, I asked Blondie if what Bubbles was saying was true. She said it wasn't true. So I asked her if she was saying that Bubbles was making up a terrible lie about her, and she told me that yes, Bubbles was making up a terrible lie. So then I asked her if she had sat in the back of the bus, and she said that yes, she did, but she didn't remember anything about Mr. Busdriver telling her to come forward or stopping the bus. I told Blondie that this one would be easy to solve, because I would just call Mr. Busdriver myself today and ask him about it. I also told her that it would be much better to tell the truth now than to wait and let us hear it from Mr. Busdriver. At that point she confessed everything, that the whole story was true. I told her that I was proud of her for telling the truth and that we would respect her more for telling the truth than for lying.
I'm really working hard on having not much if any reaction to their poor behavior, and just delivering the consequences that we feel fit their behavior as best we can. I don't really have any appropriate consequences for bus riding, so going to bed early was the best I could do. She really hates that the most.
Bubbles ran off from her afterschool teacher again yesterday, and pulled Blondie along with her. Blondie was protesting and didn't want to go, but Bubbles was insistent and pulling on her arm. The afterschool teacher wrote a letter and sent it home with Blondie, who didn't give it to me until after Bubbles told on her for her misbehavior on the bus. We had already heard the story as soon as they got home but we had not seen the note. The teacher just told me that she was trying to use time out on the girls at school like we had discussed, but she wanted to let me know what happened.
I told Bubbles that it is very important that she stay with the adults that I leave in charge of her. They can't take care of her if they don't know where she is because she runs off. I told her that I want to know that she is safe and taken care of, and that is impossible if she keeps running off. I kind of saw the lightbulb go off when I explained it to her, but we'll have to see over time if it makes a difference. Mostly she just takes off to get a drink or go to the restroom, but she is supposed to ask permission first so the teacher willl know where she is. Both girls are guilty of this behavior.
Really the biggest problem we have with them right now is that they don't obey the authority figures outside our home. We don't have a problem with them at home, but so far they have disobeyed their teachers at school, Mr. Busdriver, the teachers at church and my mom and dad. My mom and dad didn't provide any consequences if they didn't behave themselves. I had discussed the use of time out with my mom, but they only threatened them but didn't enforce it. So the girls did whatever they wanted, which included yelling and running all over the house and refusing to come when called, etc. Mom and Dad are reluctant to watch them again, but I only partly blame the girls. No one changes without consequences, be they good or bad ones.
So much for getting any time alone with Boaz. I was really hoping that Mom and Dad would be able to provide some babysitting so we could get some date nights. Now I don't know. At least for a while we'll probably have to continue to rough it.
The girls really aren't that bad, it's just that they test all their limits. They respond well to time out but we can't be there with them at school/church/on the bus/at Grandma's house to make sure they mind. They've been doing better in their actual classroom because they know we check their folders everyday. I really think it will just take time and training to help them be obedient wherever they go. They've developed these bad habits over a long period of time and it's going to take a long time to make them go away.
All in all I feel very blessed with them. We were warned of so many scary things that can be present in foster kids, and I feel that we got the cream of the crop with these girls. They don't shout at us, cuss, throw things or tantrum. They are just doing everything that normal children do, except all at once.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Everybody is Sick
Babygirl has the flu.
Bubbles has an ear infection.
Blondie has a stomach ache.
Bucky got his tongue stuck in his braces - TWICE- and now he has a "tongue-ache".
Boaz was running fever yesterday.
Needless to say, I missed three days of work this week.
I'm tired.
Things are going a bit better with the girls. Bubbles has ended her "bad" streak and has been getting green every day. I did get a call from the teacher that watches them before and after school, saying that they don't mind her or listen to her, but once they found out we knew they straightened up. I've been working harder on loving them than disciplining them, and we are all in a much better frame of mind.
Bubbles has an ear infection.
Blondie has a stomach ache.
Bucky got his tongue stuck in his braces - TWICE- and now he has a "tongue-ache".
Boaz was running fever yesterday.
Needless to say, I missed three days of work this week.
I'm tired.
Things are going a bit better with the girls. Bubbles has ended her "bad" streak and has been getting green every day. I did get a call from the teacher that watches them before and after school, saying that they don't mind her or listen to her, but once they found out we knew they straightened up. I've been working harder on loving them than disciplining them, and we are all in a much better frame of mind.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
A Weekend Away
I'm leaving in a couple of hours to spend the weekend away with the girls. No, the big girls. My friends. It's a ladies' retreat with my church, and we'll have some small group teaching times, and staying up late being silly, and some shopping tomorrow. We get back Saturday afternoon.
I've been stressed about leaving and worrying about how my family will do while I'm gone. But Boaz has been very supportive, telling me to go and have fun and that they will be fine. He told me to go let God bless me and let God bless others through me. I think that's a great idea.
See you Monday!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Better Day
Okay, so maybe it was a coincidence or something, or maybe it was the results of consequences, or maybe it was an answer to my prayers. Bubbles had a good day yesterday. She was good on the morning bus, good at school and good on the afternoon bus. We had a snugglefest celebration when she got home, in which I told her "I knew you could do it" and "I'm so proud of you" several times. We giggled and laughed and hugged and she was obviously very proud of herself.
It was only this morning when I remembered the pleading prayer I sent up to God yesterday, begging that she would feel His love and mine through the day, and that she would be reminded all day in her mind to try to behave herself.
So I'm going with the prayer, and I'm going to try to remember to keep it up.
It was only this morning when I remembered the pleading prayer I sent up to God yesterday, begging that she would feel His love and mine through the day, and that she would be reminded all day in her mind to try to behave herself.
So I'm going with the prayer, and I'm going to try to remember to keep it up.
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