Time Marches On

When we made the decision that I can't/shouldn't quit working in May, it was a hard decision for me. It was made doubly hard by the fact that two years ago, I was desperate to quit. I wanted it and planned for it and prayed for it, and it just didn't happen. God didn't magically zap away all our debt or provide some mysterious source of income that would replace mine. I sunk into a mild depression at the end of 2004.

But beginning in 2005, I turned over a new leaf. It was obviously not God's plan for me to quit at that time. We began to pour ourselves more into our real estate business, and then we pursued the adoption. We stayed very busy during 2005, and I accepted that I would need to keep working for the rest of my life, or at least the next several years. So fast forward to two weeks ago, when Boaz began complaining in earnest about how busy we are and how much he is not enjoying life. He talked about how he just wants to simplify by selling everything and moving far away. I told him that the obvious answer is for me to quit my job and take care of the family so that things aren't so crazy at home trying to get everything done on the evenings and weekends. He was unsure, then he was sure, then he was unsure. I told him that if we weren't going to do this, we needed to stop talking about it because my nerves can't handle it. So we decided for sure that I would quit mid-May. But it was obvious over the course of a week, judging by his ill-temper and snappiness that he was unsettled. Finally last Monday night we hashed the whole thing out. I told him that he wasn't ready for me to quit. He told me that he doesn't want to do it until we are completely out of debt (not counting our mortgage) and have 3-6 months of expenses stashed away in the bank. He felt like if I just worked a few more months we could reach that goal. Ha! I'm the one that does the finances in our home, and I tried to explain why that wasn't true. We spent hours discussing/arguing/making up and replanning. We didn't get much sleep at all Monday night.

So here I am. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to quit. I know it just can't happen if my husband doesn't have peace about it. The pain of it comes from having it dangled in front of me as a real option and then snatched away again. I'd rather it never even be a consideration than go through that.

So I told him there has to be a compromise. I have to have free time on the weekends. Somehow we'll have to have easier meals, hire a maid, do whatever it takes so I can be free to play with my kids and work on projects and just enjoy my life. I don't want to reach 80 years old and look back and see drudgery and nothing else. We live on nine acres and I hardly ever even get to enjoy it. I keep thinking what am I doing all this for?

I'm going shopping this weekend and taking Babygirl, Blondie and my mother. I'm going to play games with Bucky tonight. And Boaz wants to help me with the bills. I think that's a good thing.