Posts
Bubbles had a bad day yesterday. It started off good. We had some snuggle time in the car while we were waiting for the bus, and she left in a good mood.
When she got home, Blondie had a report to make about Bubbles' behavior. She said that Bubbles didn't mind the driver on the morning bus, and he had to tell her over and over and over to scoot over by the window to make room for others. Bubbles would only scoot a couple of inches each time, but she finally got across the seat.
At school she was talking too much and got her color changed to yellow.
On the bus on the way home, she went to the back of the bus when she knows she isn't allowed to. The other kids started yelling for her to get back to the front of the bus. She got mad at them yelling at her so she was telling them to shut up and sticking out her tongue.
So when she got home she got a time out and then my floor got another cleaning.
I guess the most frustrating part is having to wait to see results. How many times will we have bad days, followed by consequences, and no signs of improvement? I guess I'm being impatient. But what bothers me is that if I don't see signs of improvement, then I don't know for sure if I'm on the right track.
I was very calm and gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her. She immediately asked for another chance. I told her that she gets another chance tomorrow, but that she has to have her consequences today.
Blondie got a comment on her folder too, so my floors are looking pretty great right now. But Blondie has been showing lots of improvement. It's a relief to see. Bubbles is actually getting worse, but hopefully that's just signs that the honeymoon is over, and not because we are doing something wrong.
Today when they got on the bus we were all blowing kisses to each other.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Happiness is....
1) Getting kisses on top of the head from your little girls
2) Mashed potatoes, steamed cabbage, fried squash and a hot roll….because you finally remembered your PIN on the third try
The first beats the second by a mile....but I'm really hungry.
2) Mashed potatoes, steamed cabbage, fried squash and a hot roll….because you finally remembered your PIN on the third try
The first beats the second by a mile....but I'm really hungry.
Clean Floors and Dollar Stores
I'm trying to make yelling and lecturing a thing of the past. Here are the reasons:
1) It's wrong
2) It doesn't work
3) It upsets the yeller, the yellee, and the yell hearers.
So when Bubbles has misbehaved for the past couple of days, she gets to wash the kitchen floor with a wet rag. She definitely doesn't like it. It took two washings yesterday morning before she got the hint and decided to behave herself. And I was calm! Knowing ahead of time what the punishment will be lessens the frustration immensely.
Yesterday the kids were able to see the fruits of their labor more vividly. We cashed in the quarters for paper dollars and made a trip to the dollar store. Bubbles only had two quarters, plus one that she had missed in her sock drawer when she loaded up her purse and disobeyed me a couple of weeks ago. For now, her purse and its contents remain with me.
Bucky and Blondie counted their money and begged me to take them to the store. They even offered to pay for the gas money, which I calculated, and they happily pooled their money to cover it. Bubbles alternately searched her drawer and pouted on the couch while waiting for me to get ready.
I know that Bubbles left this morning determined to be good and keep her quarters. She also knows that she will get her purse back if she comes home with a good report from school and from the bus. So far she missed the opportunity for three days last week. She always says "I'm going to be good today Mommy!" but somehow doesn't quite make it. And yes, I do point out to her that SHE is good, but her BEHAVIOR is bad.
Boaz had to work yesterday (rare and unpleasant) so we finally got the Christmas tree put away and all the decorations boxed up and back out into the garage. I made a pot of spaghetti sauce and a pot of pinto beans to eat this week. I also made two loaves of bread and washed a mountain of laundry. The kids helped along the way, and they worked well together and we got a lot done. Bubbles was the only one who had to be disciplined, and it got me a clean kitchen floor, so I'm not complaining.
It was really good to see Bucky playing with Blondie and Bubbles so well. It's amazing what getting grounded from his electronics does for him. He's gotten more interested in his guitar, and gave us a little concert Friday night. He even wanted to take it to my parents house Saturday night to play for them.
And, by the way, things are going much better with my mom. Both girls rode in the car with my parents on the way to the restaurant. I can tell that my mom is warming up to them, and I think she has taken a shine to Blondie. Blondie and Bubbles are so starved for attention, that I think a good set of grandparents would be just what the doctor ordered. We'll see how it goes. They have several years to make up for. A couple of months with us has not lessened their need to be in the spotlight much at all.
1) It's wrong
2) It doesn't work
3) It upsets the yeller, the yellee, and the yell hearers.
So when Bubbles has misbehaved for the past couple of days, she gets to wash the kitchen floor with a wet rag. She definitely doesn't like it. It took two washings yesterday morning before she got the hint and decided to behave herself. And I was calm! Knowing ahead of time what the punishment will be lessens the frustration immensely.
Yesterday the kids were able to see the fruits of their labor more vividly. We cashed in the quarters for paper dollars and made a trip to the dollar store. Bubbles only had two quarters, plus one that she had missed in her sock drawer when she loaded up her purse and disobeyed me a couple of weeks ago. For now, her purse and its contents remain with me.
Bucky and Blondie counted their money and begged me to take them to the store. They even offered to pay for the gas money, which I calculated, and they happily pooled their money to cover it. Bubbles alternately searched her drawer and pouted on the couch while waiting for me to get ready.
I know that Bubbles left this morning determined to be good and keep her quarters. She also knows that she will get her purse back if she comes home with a good report from school and from the bus. So far she missed the opportunity for three days last week. She always says "I'm going to be good today Mommy!" but somehow doesn't quite make it. And yes, I do point out to her that SHE is good, but her BEHAVIOR is bad.
Boaz had to work yesterday (rare and unpleasant) so we finally got the Christmas tree put away and all the decorations boxed up and back out into the garage. I made a pot of spaghetti sauce and a pot of pinto beans to eat this week. I also made two loaves of bread and washed a mountain of laundry. The kids helped along the way, and they worked well together and we got a lot done. Bubbles was the only one who had to be disciplined, and it got me a clean kitchen floor, so I'm not complaining.
It was really good to see Bucky playing with Blondie and Bubbles so well. It's amazing what getting grounded from his electronics does for him. He's gotten more interested in his guitar, and gave us a little concert Friday night. He even wanted to take it to my parents house Saturday night to play for them.
And, by the way, things are going much better with my mom. Both girls rode in the car with my parents on the way to the restaurant. I can tell that my mom is warming up to them, and I think she has taken a shine to Blondie. Blondie and Bubbles are so starved for attention, that I think a good set of grandparents would be just what the doctor ordered. We'll see how it goes. They have several years to make up for. A couple of months with us has not lessened their need to be in the spotlight much at all.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Creative Slogans
I received this in an email and it's so cute:
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg; we want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we'll assume you're on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak!"
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg; we want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we'll assume you're on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak!"
The Visit
We went to see the pediatric endocrinologist yesterday. He asked a lot of questions, checked her reflexes and took her measurements. He agreed that she is quite small for her age. He didn't see anything that stood out as problematic and said that she is proportional. However, he did order a bone scan and blood work in order to rule out things you can't see from the outside. He did say it was possible that we just have a short girl.
I hope that is the case. I told him that I just didn't want to sit on it and wait and possibly miss a window of opportunity. One of the tests takes 4-6 weeks to come back, so we've got a long wait ahead of us. I feel a lot better knowing that I've done everything I can for now.
On the behavior front, Bubbles has had a few challenging days. This morning I told her that if she can get through the whole day without getting into trouble she can have her purse back. That is her favorite thing in the whole world. She was very excited and told me that she is really going to try. Blondie was able to get a toy back for being good yesterday. I guess she kind of got a freebie since I got her out of school early and she missed the temptation of misbehaving on the bus, but she earned it and I was happy for her.
Cindy asked me if we also might give them quarters for good behavior. We instituted that from the beginning, but it has dropped off in the past two weeks. I want to definitely start that again. I didn't intend to ever stop, it's just hard to keep up with everything.
I made notecards to take with us to church tonight. It has our cell phone number on it, and the girls will see us give them to their teachers. The teachers will be able to remind them that they can call us if they do not behave. If we actually get a call, then we are not going to let them attend next week. I think grounding them from church is kind of weird, but I'm not exactly sure how else to handle this.
I hope that is the case. I told him that I just didn't want to sit on it and wait and possibly miss a window of opportunity. One of the tests takes 4-6 weeks to come back, so we've got a long wait ahead of us. I feel a lot better knowing that I've done everything I can for now.
On the behavior front, Bubbles has had a few challenging days. This morning I told her that if she can get through the whole day without getting into trouble she can have her purse back. That is her favorite thing in the whole world. She was very excited and told me that she is really going to try. Blondie was able to get a toy back for being good yesterday. I guess she kind of got a freebie since I got her out of school early and she missed the temptation of misbehaving on the bus, but she earned it and I was happy for her.
Cindy asked me if we also might give them quarters for good behavior. We instituted that from the beginning, but it has dropped off in the past two weeks. I want to definitely start that again. I didn't intend to ever stop, it's just hard to keep up with everything.
I made notecards to take with us to church tonight. It has our cell phone number on it, and the girls will see us give them to their teachers. The teachers will be able to remind them that they can call us if they do not behave. If we actually get a call, then we are not going to let them attend next week. I think grounding them from church is kind of weird, but I'm not exactly sure how else to handle this.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Today
I'll be taking Blondie to see the doctor today. I'm praying that we will find out if there is anything we can do to help her grow. I'm eagerly anticipating this visit.
It was made quite obvious to me last weekend how much she is truly behind in her growth. Her friends stood a whole head taller than her.
It was made quite obvious to me last weekend how much she is truly behind in her growth. Her friends stood a whole head taller than her.
Moderation and Consistency
Obviously, trying to come up with just the perfect punishment that will make all the bad behavior go away isn't working. I've read that many abused kids cannot connect their behavior to their consequences. It's because when they were in their birth home, their behavior DIDN'T affect their consequences. Whether they were good or bad, they might get beaten. Whether they told the truth or lied, nobody cared. They were most likely punished for walking through the room when their birth parents were high or drunk or in a bad mood.
So again, we are trying to perfect our approach. The key is to be consistent with their consequences. That will be the best way to help them to see that their actions decide what happens next.
Yesterday I decided to make the allowance system a little more visual. I had Boaz pick up three rolls of quarters from the bank. I got out four tupperware bowls, and labeled them with the initial of each of our children. I put $7.50 in Babygirl's bowl, $6.00 in Bucky's bowl, $4.00 in Blondie's and $3.00 in Bubbles'. These are prominently displayed on the coffee table, and each child gets what is left in their bowl at the end of the week.
But Bubbles got in trouble again yesterday. She was fighting Blondie while waiting for the bus, taking Blondie's backpack and refusing to give it back. Then while they were riding the bus, Blondie was picking foam out of her backpack, and Bubbles was eating it. Then we found out she didn't actually swallow it, but she had a big mouthful of it in her mouth. Yuck. I think because they ride the bus with older kids, they are trying to impress them and get their attention by doing bizarre things. Of course the older kids are thinking something is wrong with them and avoiding them, so it's not really working the way they want it to.
Anyway, Boaz took two quarters away for Bubbles' bad behavior before she got home. Then when I got home he told her to tell me what she did. She claimed she didn't remember and refused to tell me. He began taking away a quarter if she wouldn't tell me by the time he counted to five. He did this over and over until her bowl was empty.
SIGH. This is really not the right thing to do for two reasons. One, there is now nothing in her bowl that I can use to encourage her to behave herself. Two, I don't think she can connect her actions with her consequences yet, so we could take away a thousand quarters and it wouldn't make a difference. I talked to Boaz about it this morning and we decided that each incident will be worth only one quarter. She only has twelve to start with each week anyway. I'd really like her to actually end up the week with money in her bowl so that she has an incentive to work harder to get more.
It's hard to parent kids that are different. We've been trying to parent them the way we raised Babygirl and Bucky, but we aren't getting the same responses. I don't think Blondie and Bubbles are capable of giving the responses we want, at least not yet. So moderation and consistency is what we will be striving for from this point on. (I really hope this works...)
So again, we are trying to perfect our approach. The key is to be consistent with their consequences. That will be the best way to help them to see that their actions decide what happens next.
Yesterday I decided to make the allowance system a little more visual. I had Boaz pick up three rolls of quarters from the bank. I got out four tupperware bowls, and labeled them with the initial of each of our children. I put $7.50 in Babygirl's bowl, $6.00 in Bucky's bowl, $4.00 in Blondie's and $3.00 in Bubbles'. These are prominently displayed on the coffee table, and each child gets what is left in their bowl at the end of the week.
But Bubbles got in trouble again yesterday. She was fighting Blondie while waiting for the bus, taking Blondie's backpack and refusing to give it back. Then while they were riding the bus, Blondie was picking foam out of her backpack, and Bubbles was eating it. Then we found out she didn't actually swallow it, but she had a big mouthful of it in her mouth. Yuck. I think because they ride the bus with older kids, they are trying to impress them and get their attention by doing bizarre things. Of course the older kids are thinking something is wrong with them and avoiding them, so it's not really working the way they want it to.
Anyway, Boaz took two quarters away for Bubbles' bad behavior before she got home. Then when I got home he told her to tell me what she did. She claimed she didn't remember and refused to tell me. He began taking away a quarter if she wouldn't tell me by the time he counted to five. He did this over and over until her bowl was empty.
SIGH. This is really not the right thing to do for two reasons. One, there is now nothing in her bowl that I can use to encourage her to behave herself. Two, I don't think she can connect her actions with her consequences yet, so we could take away a thousand quarters and it wouldn't make a difference. I talked to Boaz about it this morning and we decided that each incident will be worth only one quarter. She only has twelve to start with each week anyway. I'd really like her to actually end up the week with money in her bowl so that she has an incentive to work harder to get more.
It's hard to parent kids that are different. We've been trying to parent them the way we raised Babygirl and Bucky, but we aren't getting the same responses. I don't think Blondie and Bubbles are capable of giving the responses we want, at least not yet. So moderation and consistency is what we will be striving for from this point on. (I really hope this works...)
Monday, January 23, 2006
You never know
You just can't be too careful these days. So, as you'll notice, I've removed all names and even initials from my blog. I really should have done this from the very first, but I'm incurably naive, and I don't want to believe there's any bad guys out there.
I'll think up appropriate nicknames for my family members but for now they are my husband, DH, my firstborn, D1, my only son, Son, my second daughter, D2, and my third daughter, D3.
Please refrain from using any of our real names in your comments.
Thanks!
I'll think up appropriate nicknames for my family members but for now they are my husband, DH, my firstborn, D1, my only son, Son, my second daughter, D2, and my third daughter, D3.
Please refrain from using any of our real names in your comments.
Thanks!
Always Re-evaluating
I took D2 to her first birthday party on Saturday. She was so excited, and she really had a lot of fun. It was a strange feeling to be there, representing her as her mom. I didn't know anyone there, so they would all assume I was her birth mom. I was thinking things like "I wonder if they can tell she doesn't look anything like me? Do we look right together?" DH said I was being silly and that of course no one thought anything like that.
Yesterday D2 acted up during Children's Church, and her teacher came up to me afterwards and put her arm around me and said: "Do you think you could talk to D2? She is being too loud, and she won't be quiet when we ask the kids to be quiet. She also won't sit down when we have the kids sit down. I know it's hard, but could you try?" SIGH. You know, the ladies at church never complain to the parents. Kids act up all the time. So for this to happen, she really must have been getting on their nerves. We are left with the dilemma of what to do about it. We told her that since she abused the privilege of going to Children's Church, she won't be able to go back for a while. We are going to make her sit through big church with us for a few weeks and then give her a chance to try again. This isn't the best solution, because it will be distracting for us and possibly other adults, but it's not fair to inflict her on the teachers who are volunteering their time to teach the children either. I'm considering trying to "team" with the teacher who had the guts to tell me the truth, and give her our cell number. Then if D2 won't mind her, she can threaten to call us. D2 always behaves with us. But she doesn't behave with other people.
I had a comment that said "Your first job is to help them feel secure and loved, no matter their behaviors. I know that's hard, but until they feel that, your life will be one battle after another, and no one will be happy. " I want to reassure everyone who might be wondering, that we definitely are working to build relationships with these girls. They get lots of hugs and kisses and snuggle time, they get tucked into bed at night, we spend time working on homework, playing cards and chasing them around the house. I may have neglected to mention those things due to my struggles with their behavior, but I don't have any problems with giving love, so maybe that's why I haven't talked about it. I agree that it will all take time, but knowing that doesn't make it go any faster. We still have to figure out what works best with these children. My oldest two were very different in what kinds of consequences they needed when they were little, and it will be the same with my youngest two. I really appreciate all the supportive comments I received.
Yesterday D2 acted up during Children's Church, and her teacher came up to me afterwards and put her arm around me and said: "Do you think you could talk to D2? She is being too loud, and she won't be quiet when we ask the kids to be quiet. She also won't sit down when we have the kids sit down. I know it's hard, but could you try?" SIGH. You know, the ladies at church never complain to the parents. Kids act up all the time. So for this to happen, she really must have been getting on their nerves. We are left with the dilemma of what to do about it. We told her that since she abused the privilege of going to Children's Church, she won't be able to go back for a while. We are going to make her sit through big church with us for a few weeks and then give her a chance to try again. This isn't the best solution, because it will be distracting for us and possibly other adults, but it's not fair to inflict her on the teachers who are volunteering their time to teach the children either. I'm considering trying to "team" with the teacher who had the guts to tell me the truth, and give her our cell number. Then if D2 won't mind her, she can threaten to call us. D2 always behaves with us. But she doesn't behave with other people.
I had a comment that said "Your first job is to help them feel secure and loved, no matter their behaviors. I know that's hard, but until they feel that, your life will be one battle after another, and no one will be happy. " I want to reassure everyone who might be wondering, that we definitely are working to build relationships with these girls. They get lots of hugs and kisses and snuggle time, they get tucked into bed at night, we spend time working on homework, playing cards and chasing them around the house. I may have neglected to mention those things due to my struggles with their behavior, but I don't have any problems with giving love, so maybe that's why I haven't talked about it. I agree that it will all take time, but knowing that doesn't make it go any faster. We still have to figure out what works best with these children. My oldest two were very different in what kinds of consequences they needed when they were little, and it will be the same with my youngest two. I really appreciate all the supportive comments I received.
Friday, January 20, 2006
A Terrible Night
This is going to be a long rant, so if you aren't up for it, just stop reading now.
It all started as soon as I got home from work. The kids and DH were already home. Son met me at the car saying, "I need to talk to you. It's about D2 & D3." He proceeded to tell me that they threw a bottle of water out the window of the bus. He said that D3 threw it and that D2 was encouraging her and egging her on to do it. Another boy caught the bottle so it didn't actually hit the ground. He then told Son about it. DH had already heard the story and had sent the girls out in the yard to pick up trash. There isn't a whole lot of trash out there, but since we have nine acres it does get caught in the grass here and there. I could see that DH was very upset. He said that the girls were going to bed immediately after supper.
During dinner I learned that it was D3's water bottle, and that she had gotten it out to get a drink. One of them decided it would be fun to throw it and then D2 was encouraging D3 to do it. D3 did it. But neither one of them would admit to being the one whose idea it was to throw it out the window. A couple of days before this, we'd had a similar issue with someone opening the blinds in their room. That's really no big deal. DH asked them which one opened the blinds, and no one would admit to it. That IS a big deal. We're trying to teach them that lying is so much worse than the small things they lie about. There wouldn't be any punishment for opening the blinds. But there is definitely punishment for lying about it. The next morning I told them that they would both be going to bed immediately after supper every night until the one who was lying decided to tell the truth. It took D2 about two seconds to admit it was her.
So given that history, I decided to try it again. I told them that whoever was lying needed to tell me right now or they would be going to bed every night immediately after supper. At this point my strongest suspicion was that it was D2. But neither one would admit anything. I really should have left it at that. This is where the turning point of the whole night was. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. I told them that I was going to get rid of all their toys in their room, because I wasn't going to put up with someone lying to me/us. I told them that as soon as the culprit admitted the lie that it all would stop and we'd go back to normal, except the one that was lying would be punished for one more day. So I went up to their rooms to get some toys. When I came down the stairs with them, they both started crying because they could see I had picked out their favorites. I gave them another chance to tell the truth. They were both screaming "she did it" and "it wasn't me" and "Mommy I'm telling the truth!" but no one would fess up. So I went out the door and dropped the toys in the dump cart that we use for large trash items. I came back and and asked them again, and still no one would confess. So I headed upstairs again. D1 was upstairs at this point. She was pacing and very upset. She told me that she had thought that she wouldn't be upset when the girls got what they deserved, but that she was wrong. She couldn't stand to hear them crying. Neither could I. It was horrible. But I came downstairs with more toys. Still no luck. Son was upstairs by this time, offering to help me carry things. It's not that he was mad at them, he was just honestly trying to help me. The older kids were really trying to smooth out the situation in any way they could but there wasn't anything they could do. They ended up going into D1's room and just staying out of the way. I told Son not to help me because I didn't want the girls to hold that against him.
On my third trip, D3 spoke up and said it was her. I was so relieved. I apologized to D2 for what she had just gone through and DH put D3 in time out. I went outside with D2 to get all her toys and left D3's out there. We went upstairs to put up her toys. While we were upstairs, D3 told DH that it wasn't really her and that she only confessed to save the toys. We were back to square one. This is the second turning point where I wish I would have done things differently. But instead I started going up to get toys again. I got 95% of their toys out the door before D3 confessed again. In the meanwhile, they were screaming at each other to confess, begging me not to throw away their toys, and ardently exclaiming that they didn't do it. We told the girls that we would find out tomorrow from Son's friend who actually was the one who first thought of throwing it out the window. We told them that if they would tell us now, on their own, that their punishment would be a lot less than if we find out from him. D2 told us to go ahead and find out from him, because she didn't do it. At that point I started to actually believe that D3 did it. Then we decided to just go ahead and call him last night.
So Son called him and he said that he thought it was D3 but wasn't sure. DH pretended that he had said it was D3, and pressured her to tell the truth. She confessed, but I'm still not sure, even right now, if it's true. I'm in a quandary. Usually I can get the girls to tell the truth. I really think it's possible that they don't know whose idea it was. However, I asked each of them separately if maybe they didn't remember who did it, and they both told me that they absolutely remembered and it was the other one. Whenever D2 would talk about it, she did all the normal body language she does when she is lying. D3 can totally lie with a straight face and there are no cues that she is lying.
So since we can't tell for sure who did it, this is what we decided. We will keep their toys in the attic, and at the end of the day if they have been good (no lies, no disobedience) they get to choose a toy to get back. When I got D2 up for her bath this morning, she was a perfect angel. She was anticipating my instructions before I even gave them. D3 disobeyed me this morning and didn't listen to me. She has already lost her opportunity to get a toy today. And I'm exhausted. If I had known that no one would confess, or that it would go that far, I never would have started it. But they've always confessed before, and it's always worked before. I'm just so sad, because I don't know if I did the right thing, and I'm still not sure who did it, and it's not fair to punish the innocent one, but truly neither of them is actually innocent because one threw it and the other one encouraged her. And I went to bed upset and got up upset and I'm still upset.
It all started as soon as I got home from work. The kids and DH were already home. Son met me at the car saying, "I need to talk to you. It's about D2 & D3." He proceeded to tell me that they threw a bottle of water out the window of the bus. He said that D3 threw it and that D2 was encouraging her and egging her on to do it. Another boy caught the bottle so it didn't actually hit the ground. He then told Son about it. DH had already heard the story and had sent the girls out in the yard to pick up trash. There isn't a whole lot of trash out there, but since we have nine acres it does get caught in the grass here and there. I could see that DH was very upset. He said that the girls were going to bed immediately after supper.
During dinner I learned that it was D3's water bottle, and that she had gotten it out to get a drink. One of them decided it would be fun to throw it and then D2 was encouraging D3 to do it. D3 did it. But neither one of them would admit to being the one whose idea it was to throw it out the window. A couple of days before this, we'd had a similar issue with someone opening the blinds in their room. That's really no big deal. DH asked them which one opened the blinds, and no one would admit to it. That IS a big deal. We're trying to teach them that lying is so much worse than the small things they lie about. There wouldn't be any punishment for opening the blinds. But there is definitely punishment for lying about it. The next morning I told them that they would both be going to bed immediately after supper every night until the one who was lying decided to tell the truth. It took D2 about two seconds to admit it was her.
So given that history, I decided to try it again. I told them that whoever was lying needed to tell me right now or they would be going to bed every night immediately after supper. At this point my strongest suspicion was that it was D2. But neither one would admit anything. I really should have left it at that. This is where the turning point of the whole night was. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. I told them that I was going to get rid of all their toys in their room, because I wasn't going to put up with someone lying to me/us. I told them that as soon as the culprit admitted the lie that it all would stop and we'd go back to normal, except the one that was lying would be punished for one more day. So I went up to their rooms to get some toys. When I came down the stairs with them, they both started crying because they could see I had picked out their favorites. I gave them another chance to tell the truth. They were both screaming "she did it" and "it wasn't me" and "Mommy I'm telling the truth!" but no one would fess up. So I went out the door and dropped the toys in the dump cart that we use for large trash items. I came back and and asked them again, and still no one would confess. So I headed upstairs again. D1 was upstairs at this point. She was pacing and very upset. She told me that she had thought that she wouldn't be upset when the girls got what they deserved, but that she was wrong. She couldn't stand to hear them crying. Neither could I. It was horrible. But I came downstairs with more toys. Still no luck. Son was upstairs by this time, offering to help me carry things. It's not that he was mad at them, he was just honestly trying to help me. The older kids were really trying to smooth out the situation in any way they could but there wasn't anything they could do. They ended up going into D1's room and just staying out of the way. I told Son not to help me because I didn't want the girls to hold that against him.
On my third trip, D3 spoke up and said it was her. I was so relieved. I apologized to D2 for what she had just gone through and DH put D3 in time out. I went outside with D2 to get all her toys and left D3's out there. We went upstairs to put up her toys. While we were upstairs, D3 told DH that it wasn't really her and that she only confessed to save the toys. We were back to square one. This is the second turning point where I wish I would have done things differently. But instead I started going up to get toys again. I got 95% of their toys out the door before D3 confessed again. In the meanwhile, they were screaming at each other to confess, begging me not to throw away their toys, and ardently exclaiming that they didn't do it. We told the girls that we would find out tomorrow from Son's friend who actually was the one who first thought of throwing it out the window. We told them that if they would tell us now, on their own, that their punishment would be a lot less than if we find out from him. D2 told us to go ahead and find out from him, because she didn't do it. At that point I started to actually believe that D3 did it. Then we decided to just go ahead and call him last night.
So Son called him and he said that he thought it was D3 but wasn't sure. DH pretended that he had said it was D3, and pressured her to tell the truth. She confessed, but I'm still not sure, even right now, if it's true. I'm in a quandary. Usually I can get the girls to tell the truth. I really think it's possible that they don't know whose idea it was. However, I asked each of them separately if maybe they didn't remember who did it, and they both told me that they absolutely remembered and it was the other one. Whenever D2 would talk about it, she did all the normal body language she does when she is lying. D3 can totally lie with a straight face and there are no cues that she is lying.
So since we can't tell for sure who did it, this is what we decided. We will keep their toys in the attic, and at the end of the day if they have been good (no lies, no disobedience) they get to choose a toy to get back. When I got D2 up for her bath this morning, she was a perfect angel. She was anticipating my instructions before I even gave them. D3 disobeyed me this morning and didn't listen to me. She has already lost her opportunity to get a toy today. And I'm exhausted. If I had known that no one would confess, or that it would go that far, I never would have started it. But they've always confessed before, and it's always worked before. I'm just so sad, because I don't know if I did the right thing, and I'm still not sure who did it, and it's not fair to punish the innocent one, but truly neither of them is actually innocent because one threw it and the other one encouraged her. And I went to bed upset and got up upset and I'm still upset.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Working it Out
We are still adjusting to the new arrivals. Some things have worked themselves out well, and other things we're still working on. DH & I are still trying to find time to spend alone. We tried sending the girls to bed a bit early (actually their normal time) on Friday and Saturday nights, but we've found that we are so tired by then that we just end up going to bed. We're both morning people so it just didn't work out.
Our newest plan is that we are going to try spending some Friday afternoons together before the kids get home from school. I have every other Friday off, and he always gets off at 2pm, so if I'm not having to work all day to make up missed time and he can get off a couple of hours early it will work out. We're hoping to get a friend to watch them one Saturday night, but we need to have some ongoing time we can count on to be alone together.
I've been spending an hour each week alone with Son and D1. It has been great. The kids look forward to it and so do I. Son has been very vocal about his needs ever since the girls arrived, but D1 has kind of withdrawn and that worries me. We have always been very close and I don't want her to think that I've forgotten her. I do think that things are much improved though. I think that my every waking thought was focused on D2 & D3 from the time I found out they were coming until probably a couple of weeks ago. And there really wasn't any other way it could be, because there was so much to do. But now that they are settled in and their clothes are bought and their room is straight and they know the rules and they are lice-free (hooray) I can start to more evenly focus my attention.
The worst part of parenting D2 & D3 right now is trying to find the right punishments for poor behavior. Time out is only so effective. D3 has been really pushing the limits this week. She misbehaved at school by sticking out her tongue at someone, cut some faux fur off her coat, and was cutting in line. We took the coat away and now she has to wear her jacket instead. I really doubt that bothers her. The cutting in line thing is a common one for both girls and I'm not sure what to do about it. We've told them over and over not to do it and given them lots of reasons why they shouldn't, but we may as well be talking to the wall.
For now I have taken D3's purse and pretty pink shoes. She can't have them back until she can go for an entire week without lying or being disobedient. I don't care if it seems impossible. I'll keep them forever if I have to. They will learn that if they want to have privileges they will have to earn them with truth-telling and obedience.
Our newest plan is that we are going to try spending some Friday afternoons together before the kids get home from school. I have every other Friday off, and he always gets off at 2pm, so if I'm not having to work all day to make up missed time and he can get off a couple of hours early it will work out. We're hoping to get a friend to watch them one Saturday night, but we need to have some ongoing time we can count on to be alone together.
I've been spending an hour each week alone with Son and D1. It has been great. The kids look forward to it and so do I. Son has been very vocal about his needs ever since the girls arrived, but D1 has kind of withdrawn and that worries me. We have always been very close and I don't want her to think that I've forgotten her. I do think that things are much improved though. I think that my every waking thought was focused on D2 & D3 from the time I found out they were coming until probably a couple of weeks ago. And there really wasn't any other way it could be, because there was so much to do. But now that they are settled in and their clothes are bought and their room is straight and they know the rules and they are lice-free (hooray) I can start to more evenly focus my attention.
The worst part of parenting D2 & D3 right now is trying to find the right punishments for poor behavior. Time out is only so effective. D3 has been really pushing the limits this week. She misbehaved at school by sticking out her tongue at someone, cut some faux fur off her coat, and was cutting in line. We took the coat away and now she has to wear her jacket instead. I really doubt that bothers her. The cutting in line thing is a common one for both girls and I'm not sure what to do about it. We've told them over and over not to do it and given them lots of reasons why they shouldn't, but we may as well be talking to the wall.
For now I have taken D3's purse and pretty pink shoes. She can't have them back until she can go for an entire week without lying or being disobedient. I don't care if it seems impossible. I'll keep them forever if I have to. They will learn that if they want to have privileges they will have to earn them with truth-telling and obedience.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The Color of my Blog
I saw this on Dad's HighWAY and thought I'd play:
| Your Blog Should Be Green |
 |
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Teachers
Today I did a conference call with each of D2 & D3's teachers.
D2 has been getting up during class and speaks up when she isn't supposed to. Her teacher seems (on the phone) not mean but not extra friendly either. She asked me if I knew what medications D2 had been on, and then asked THE QUESTION, whether I knew if D2 had been on medication for ADD. SIGH. Here we go.... I have learned that trauma is frequently misdiagnosed as ADD. I also read that treating trauma as if it were ADD doesn't work and actually works against the child.
I have already gone around and around with one teacher over the ADD mess with Son. She was determined he had it and I was determined he didn't. He doesn't. He has "energetic little boy who is bright and doesn't want to sit in the boring classroom" syndrome. He has mostly outgrown that and has always had good grades. I will not drug my children just to get them to sit still. Anyway, I will not drug D2. She's seen enough of that from her birth parents, and I don't want her to think that drugs fix your problems. D2's teacher says that D2 gets up in class and talks when she shouldn't. We're working on that. We have to come up with enough consequences to make her not do that. We have to be very creative. The thing she hates most is going to bed early, but even that is not enough.
D3's teacher seems like a sweetheart. She said that D3 had been a delight for the past two months until last week. For some reason she was sticking out her tongue and cutting in line, and she also cut a bit of faux fur off her coat with her scissors. Then she threw away the first note that the teacher sent home. But otherwise she is doing great. Both girls have issues with handwriting, language and spelling.
Yesterday I took the girls for what will be their very last appointment with the psychiatrist. I had to have a doctor's permission to stop giving them the prescribed medication. Both girls are now medication free. When they first came, D3 was on four medications and D2 was on two. All of them were completely unnecessary.
D2 has been getting up during class and speaks up when she isn't supposed to. Her teacher seems (on the phone) not mean but not extra friendly either. She asked me if I knew what medications D2 had been on, and then asked THE QUESTION, whether I knew if D2 had been on medication for ADD. SIGH. Here we go.... I have learned that trauma is frequently misdiagnosed as ADD. I also read that treating trauma as if it were ADD doesn't work and actually works against the child.
I have already gone around and around with one teacher over the ADD mess with Son. She was determined he had it and I was determined he didn't. He doesn't. He has "energetic little boy who is bright and doesn't want to sit in the boring classroom" syndrome. He has mostly outgrown that and has always had good grades. I will not drug my children just to get them to sit still. Anyway, I will not drug D2. She's seen enough of that from her birth parents, and I don't want her to think that drugs fix your problems. D2's teacher says that D2 gets up in class and talks when she shouldn't. We're working on that. We have to come up with enough consequences to make her not do that. We have to be very creative. The thing she hates most is going to bed early, but even that is not enough.
D3's teacher seems like a sweetheart. She said that D3 had been a delight for the past two months until last week. For some reason she was sticking out her tongue and cutting in line, and she also cut a bit of faux fur off her coat with her scissors. Then she threw away the first note that the teacher sent home. But otherwise she is doing great. Both girls have issues with handwriting, language and spelling.
Yesterday I took the girls for what will be their very last appointment with the psychiatrist. I had to have a doctor's permission to stop giving them the prescribed medication. Both girls are now medication free. When they first came, D3 was on four medications and D2 was on two. All of them were completely unnecessary.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Pediatric Endocrinologist
I'm still concerned about D2's size. She is eight years old but is significantly smaller than her six year old sister. She stands the same height as a normal four year old. Even though my small town family doctor wasn't concerned and just wanted to watch her for now, I'm not satisfied. I don't want to keep waiting and possibly pass the window of opportunity for helping her.
So we have an appointment with a pediatric endocrinologist in two weeks. If there is something wrong, I want to know what it is so we can find out if there is anything we can do to help her grow. If she is not going to grow to normal height no matter what we do, then we need to start preparing her for life as a very small person. In other words, being able to care for herself in a world built for much larger people. Driving comes to mind as the first difficulty, not to mention societal pressure for just being different. Right now people just assume that she is much younger than she is, which I think has contributed to her acting like a baby and making baby talk. We are encouraging her to act her age. If you look at her face, she doesn't have the look of a four year old.
I really, really hope that good nutrition will solve it, but I have my doubts. So just pray for D2 that she will grow, and pray for me that I will have peace in this situation, and please pray that the doctor will find out what is wrong when we see him in two weeks.
So we have an appointment with a pediatric endocrinologist in two weeks. If there is something wrong, I want to know what it is so we can find out if there is anything we can do to help her grow. If she is not going to grow to normal height no matter what we do, then we need to start preparing her for life as a very small person. In other words, being able to care for herself in a world built for much larger people. Driving comes to mind as the first difficulty, not to mention societal pressure for just being different. Right now people just assume that she is much younger than she is, which I think has contributed to her acting like a baby and making baby talk. We are encouraging her to act her age. If you look at her face, she doesn't have the look of a four year old.
I really, really hope that good nutrition will solve it, but I have my doubts. So just pray for D2 that she will grow, and pray for me that I will have peace in this situation, and please pray that the doctor will find out what is wrong when we see him in two weeks.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Major Progress
When we first brought D3 home, she was very focused on the fact that she could go find her birthmom when she turns 18. She told us that she would miss us when she was gone but that she would still come to visit sometimes. She told us that she would like for us to sign things so that she can remember us. She said that she wouldn't be here when she was big.
This was due to good intentioned people trying to help her because she said she didn't want to be adopted. She only wanted her mom. So they explained that as soon as she turned 18 she could go back to her, but not until then. I know that her Foster Mom also explained to her that it was her birth parents' fault that she couldn't see them, and because they didn't keep their promises and do the work they needed to do to get them back. I have no control over anything that was said to her before she came to live with me, so all I can do now is move forward.
But I don't think I would have said any of the things in the above paragraph.
Anyway, we've had two months together as of tomorrow. On Sunday, something wonderful happened. I was dropping her off at Sunday School, and giving her a hug bye, and suddenly I was hit with a staggering wave of love. It was so strong that I began to cry. D3 noticed and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was "I just love you so much" and then she hugged me tighter. She didn't want to let go after I said that. I didn't either. I know it was the touch of the Holy Spirit. It's a feeling like no other. There's no other way to explain it. I've known all along that God wanted us to adopt children and specifically D2 & D3 as the process unfolded. I see what happened on Sunday as a gift. He overwhelmed me with love for this child. I love both D2 & D3, but it is a love that is new and growing. I immediately felt the commitment part of love for D2 & D3 when they came to live with us, but the feeling part takes longer.
Later on in the afternoon on Sunday, D3 came to me and asked why I cried that morning. I told her that sometimes you can love someone so much it can make you cry. She hugged me tight again. I could tell that she was very curious about it, and also touched by it, even at only 6 years old.
This morning as the girls were eating breakfast, D3 suddenly said, "Mommy, I want to stay with you when I turn 18." There's no better way to start the day than that.
D2 told us this on my birthday, when we were out shopping at the mall. She has always understood more about the situation, and I know that she had worse experiences and for a longer period of time in her birth home. She isn't as cuddly as D3, but she does want love and I do believe she prefers us and wants to stay with us. I know that they still love their birth parents in their hearts and always will, but I think they are seeing the difference in the lives they have now and they like where they are. I think they are making room in their hearts for us too.
This was due to good intentioned people trying to help her because she said she didn't want to be adopted. She only wanted her mom. So they explained that as soon as she turned 18 she could go back to her, but not until then. I know that her Foster Mom also explained to her that it was her birth parents' fault that she couldn't see them, and because they didn't keep their promises and do the work they needed to do to get them back. I have no control over anything that was said to her before she came to live with me, so all I can do now is move forward.
But I don't think I would have said any of the things in the above paragraph.
Anyway, we've had two months together as of tomorrow. On Sunday, something wonderful happened. I was dropping her off at Sunday School, and giving her a hug bye, and suddenly I was hit with a staggering wave of love. It was so strong that I began to cry. D3 noticed and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was "I just love you so much" and then she hugged me tighter. She didn't want to let go after I said that. I didn't either. I know it was the touch of the Holy Spirit. It's a feeling like no other. There's no other way to explain it. I've known all along that God wanted us to adopt children and specifically D2 & D3 as the process unfolded. I see what happened on Sunday as a gift. He overwhelmed me with love for this child. I love both D2 & D3, but it is a love that is new and growing. I immediately felt the commitment part of love for D2 & D3 when they came to live with us, but the feeling part takes longer.
Later on in the afternoon on Sunday, D3 came to me and asked why I cried that morning. I told her that sometimes you can love someone so much it can make you cry. She hugged me tight again. I could tell that she was very curious about it, and also touched by it, even at only 6 years old.
This morning as the girls were eating breakfast, D3 suddenly said, "Mommy, I want to stay with you when I turn 18." There's no better way to start the day than that.
D2 told us this on my birthday, when we were out shopping at the mall. She has always understood more about the situation, and I know that she had worse experiences and for a longer period of time in her birth home. She isn't as cuddly as D3, but she does want love and I do believe she prefers us and wants to stay with us. I know that they still love their birth parents in their hearts and always will, but I think they are seeing the difference in the lives they have now and they like where they are. I think they are making room in their hearts for us too.
Monday, January 09, 2006
They Are Mean To Each Other
And it drives me nuts.
D2 frequently ignores D3. D3 will call her name, over and over, and D2 won't respond. She only does this when we aren't around, like on the bus to and from school, or at church, or if we step out of the room. I think she likes that she can get D3 so upset. D3 yells D2's name louder and louder, and then finally cries because D2 won't answer her. We've told D2 that she is not allowed to ignore D3, and if she doesn't want to play with her right now she can tell her that. So far I don't think we're getting anywhere, and I really don't know what to do.
D3 is also mean to D2. She acts hateful and disgusted with her, and they argue any time they are left alone. Now we don't even send them up together to brush their teeth and get their pajamas on. We send them one at a time. Currently I've decided not to let them play together for a while. Maybe, just maybe, they will appreciate each other more and be nicer if they have a chance to miss each other a little bit.
I'm a bit at a loss here, because I'm an only child and can't really judge how much is normal and how much is trauma induced abuse of each other. D1 and Son fought and were sometimes mean to each other, but it was different so it's hard to compare.
Sigh. Any advice?
D2 frequently ignores D3. D3 will call her name, over and over, and D2 won't respond. She only does this when we aren't around, like on the bus to and from school, or at church, or if we step out of the room. I think she likes that she can get D3 so upset. D3 yells D2's name louder and louder, and then finally cries because D2 won't answer her. We've told D2 that she is not allowed to ignore D3, and if she doesn't want to play with her right now she can tell her that. So far I don't think we're getting anywhere, and I really don't know what to do.
D3 is also mean to D2. She acts hateful and disgusted with her, and they argue any time they are left alone. Now we don't even send them up together to brush their teeth and get their pajamas on. We send them one at a time. Currently I've decided not to let them play together for a while. Maybe, just maybe, they will appreciate each other more and be nicer if they have a chance to miss each other a little bit.
I'm a bit at a loss here, because I'm an only child and can't really judge how much is normal and how much is trauma induced abuse of each other. D1 and Son fought and were sometimes mean to each other, but it was different so it's hard to compare.
Sigh. Any advice?
Friday, January 06, 2006
Just for Funzies
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  8.6 |
| Mind: |  8.1 |
| Body: | 7.7 |
| Spirit: |  9.2 |
| Friends/Family: |  7.1 |
| Love: | 9.1 |
| Finance: | 8.5 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Happy 2006
We had a great Christmas. I couldn't get over the difference that just adding two people to our family made on the number of gifts under the tree. Wow. And it was so fun. It took nearly two hours to open all the gifts. We made each child go one at a time, in order of when they got up, rotating to the next child after each gift.
D2 told us that they had never gotten any presents before, except from their grandma. It was bittersweet to know that we were providing them their first ever real Christmas morning. I was more than happy to provide this for them, but so sad, deeply sad, that they hadn't experienced it before.
We went to my friend's house for a few days after Christmas. We all had a great time. I was able to spend quite a lot of time with D1, and we both enjoyed that a lot. Son loves to play video games with DH and Friend's husband, so we hardly even see them while we are there. D2 & D3 and Friend's kids spent one day with the guys and went to the park and one day with the girls. We took them to a drive through wildlife park and petting zoo. They loved it and I took lots of pictures. That night we ALL went to a japanese restaurant where they cook right in front of you. We all really enjoyed that. We had to get D1 to talk DH into going, because of the $$. He really has a soft spot for her.
Now that we're back home and getting back on schedule, I'm trying to figure out a way to spend extra time with D1, Son, and DH. The new plan is that I will go to D1's room on Monday nights at 7p, Son on Thursdays at 7p and everyone will be in their rooms in bed or watching a movie by 8p on Friday and Saturday so DH and I can spend time alone. I already spend a lot of time alone with D2 & D3, so it isn't necessary to schedule any time for them. I want to be available for D1 & Son to spend some one on one time each week that they can count on.
Honestly, the girls are doing great. D2 is starting to look slimmer, which is great. She had quite the pot belly when we first brought her home. And the behavior of both girls has improved so much since we got them. And I'm so, so lucky that they don't scream and throw tantrums. In fact, I got complimented by a stranger on their good behavior when we were at Subway the other day.
:)
D2 told us that they had never gotten any presents before, except from their grandma. It was bittersweet to know that we were providing them their first ever real Christmas morning. I was more than happy to provide this for them, but so sad, deeply sad, that they hadn't experienced it before.
We went to my friend's house for a few days after Christmas. We all had a great time. I was able to spend quite a lot of time with D1, and we both enjoyed that a lot. Son loves to play video games with DH and Friend's husband, so we hardly even see them while we are there. D2 & D3 and Friend's kids spent one day with the guys and went to the park and one day with the girls. We took them to a drive through wildlife park and petting zoo. They loved it and I took lots of pictures. That night we ALL went to a japanese restaurant where they cook right in front of you. We all really enjoyed that. We had to get D1 to talk DH into going, because of the $$. He really has a soft spot for her.
Now that we're back home and getting back on schedule, I'm trying to figure out a way to spend extra time with D1, Son, and DH. The new plan is that I will go to D1's room on Monday nights at 7p, Son on Thursdays at 7p and everyone will be in their rooms in bed or watching a movie by 8p on Friday and Saturday so DH and I can spend time alone. I already spend a lot of time alone with D2 & D3, so it isn't necessary to schedule any time for them. I want to be available for D1 & Son to spend some one on one time each week that they can count on.
Honestly, the girls are doing great. D2 is starting to look slimmer, which is great. She had quite the pot belly when we first brought her home. And the behavior of both girls has improved so much since we got them. And I'm so, so lucky that they don't scream and throw tantrums. In fact, I got complimented by a stranger on their good behavior when we were at Subway the other day.
:)
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