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Obviously, trying to come up with just the perfect punishment that will make all the bad behavior go away isn't working. I've read that many abused kids cannot connect their behavior to their consequences. It's because when they were in their birth home, their behavior DIDN'T affect their consequences. Whether they were good or bad, they might get beaten. Whether they told the truth or lied, nobody cared. They were most likely punished for walking through the room when their birth parents were high or drunk or in a bad mood.
So again, we are trying to perfect our approach. The key is to be consistent with their consequences. That will be the best way to help them to see that their actions decide what happens next.
Yesterday I decided to make the allowance system a little more visual. I had Boaz pick up three rolls of quarters from the bank. I got out four tupperware bowls, and labeled them with the initial of each of our children. I put $7.50 in Babygirl's bowl, $6.00 in Bucky's bowl, $4.00 in Blondie's and $3.00 in Bubbles'. These are prominently displayed on the coffee table, and each child gets what is left in their bowl at the end of the week.
But Bubbles got in trouble again yesterday. She was fighting Blondie while waiting for the bus, taking Blondie's backpack and refusing to give it back. Then while they were riding the bus, Blondie was picking foam out of her backpack, and Bubbles was eating it. Then we found out she didn't actually swallow it, but she had a big mouthful of it in her mouth. Yuck. I think because they ride the bus with older kids, they are trying to impress them and get their attention by doing bizarre things. Of course the older kids are thinking something is wrong with them and avoiding them, so it's not really working the way they want it to.
Anyway, Boaz took two quarters away for Bubbles' bad behavior before she got home. Then when I got home he told her to tell me what she did. She claimed she didn't remember and refused to tell me. He began taking away a quarter if she wouldn't tell me by the time he counted to five. He did this over and over until her bowl was empty.
SIGH. This is really not the right thing to do for two reasons. One, there is now nothing in her bowl that I can use to encourage her to behave herself. Two, I don't think she can connect her actions with her consequences yet, so we could take away a thousand quarters and it wouldn't make a difference. I talked to Boaz about it this morning and we decided that each incident will be worth only one quarter. She only has twelve to start with each week anyway. I'd really like her to actually end up the week with money in her bowl so that she has an incentive to work harder to get more.
It's hard to parent kids that are different. We've been trying to parent them the way we raised Babygirl and Bucky, but we aren't getting the same responses. I don't think Blondie and Bubbles are capable of giving the responses we want, at least not yet. So moderation and consistency is what we will be striving for from this point on. (I really hope this works...)
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4 comments:
That sounds like a good place to start from.
Probably many of the things that worked for other children may not work for these children.
I have heard a lot of praise for http://www.loveandlogic.com/
as being very useful for kids who have been in the system.
Hope that helps.
It sounds like it has been a rough road soem of the time. But it certainly sounds like you are up for it all.
Okay, this just occurred to me and maybe you've already considered it ..... I realize that the connection has to be made from behavior to consequence, but what about the other way around? Would it be beneficial to put more quarters in the bowl based on good behavior? I dunno, it's a way for them to earn something back when they come up empty! ;)
Yeah, I liked to earn stuff as a kid - and maybe there could be an outing to Dollar Tree or something so the kids could see the other kids spend their quarters, etc. I like the quarters idea a lot though.
Have you read this book? If not, you many want to check it out. Blessings!
Parenting the Hurt Child:
Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
by Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky
The adopted child with special needs requires different parental attitudes and skills.
BLESSING OR BURDEN?
When a child is adopted, he can arrive with hurts from the past—pain that stunts his emotional growth and your family’s life, too. At some point your parenting dreams can fall apart, and raising a hurt child becomes more like a burden than a blessing.
But don’t give up. With time, patience, informed parenting, and appropriate therapy, your adopted child can get over what seems insurmountable now. From insights gathered through years of working with adopted kids who have experienced early trauma, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky explain how to manage a hurting child with loving wisdom and resolve, and how to preserve your stability while untangling their thorny hearts.
“We hope that what we share will give you strength, courage, and commitment,” write the authors. “We hope you will tap into your own resources and creativity to become the parent you’ve always wanted to be.”
If you’ve adopted a child, whatever the circumstances, you’ll find hope and healing on these pages—for you, your family, and especially your adopted child.
PRODUCT DETAILS:
Parenting the Hurt Child [ISBN: 1576833143]
Published on 3/19/2002 by Piñon Press®
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