Simple Solutions to Difficult Problems

Did you know that Sonic has Happy Hour from 2-4pm each day? I didn't, but now I do! Blondie's behavior at school has been vastly improved due to a promise of a Friday afternoon slush if she has been good at school all week. She has received her slush two out of three weeks so far. Surprisingly, Bubbles has only received hers one out of three weeks, and she is usually so well behaved at school.

Field Trip

Blondie brought home a permission slip for a field trip. It said on it that only students with an E or an S in conduct will get to go. So unless she changes her behavior at school, she won't be going. I signed it and showed it to her, and impressed upon her once again how important it is to mind the teachers and do what they say. She only thinks about what she wants to do right now, and doesn't think about the future. I hope that will be some incentive for her but sometimes I wonder if she is even capable of thinking that way at this stage of her development.

She Grew Another Inch

Blondie is responding well to her growth hormone shots. Today we went to the doctor, and she has grown another inch in the last three months. She is finally taller than Bubbles who is younger than her by two years. She is in the 6th percentile for her age. It's such an improvement from when she used to be way below the charts. They did a bone age test last time, and that showed her expected adult height to be 5'2". That is really exciting.

Behavior wise, who knows. The child is very strong willed and traumatized on top of that so it's just going to take a long time. I keep telling myself that but it's a daily challenge to try to get through to her. We did have a good time today though. She almost always does well when she's with me.

October Update

Due to circumstances beyond my control, homeschool didn't happen. I still believe it would be best for Blondie, but for now I can't do it.

She is in fourth grade and doing okay, other than her behavior problems. She still misbehaves whenever I'm not around. Instant consequences are the only kind that work for her, and typically school consequences are put off until later.

Bubbles has improved a lot. She tells the truth more often than she lies, and she is really trying to please us. She is more like a regular kid now with regular kid problems.

Blondie is a daily battle, but she does it with a smile! I can't complain about either of their attitudes. Blondie is sneaky and lies and disobeys, but she's always happy. Or at least she pretends to be. We haven't had as much success with her, but she is older and has been through more trauma. I still hope that we will eventually get through to her, and I believe we will. It has been encouraging to see the changes in Bubbles, and it gives me hope that Blondie will eventually come around too, it will just take longer.

For now my biggest struggle is in coming up with creative ways to give her consequences that fit her crimes. Yesterday I bought her a see-through backpack because of her sneaking things to school. It backfired on me a little bit because she thought it was cool and she couldn't wait to put her stuff in it, even though I bought the ugliest color they had. I told her that she had to carry it for a week and then she could have back her pretty pink one.

More later.

No Words for This

It's a four minute video that's quite moving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Homeschool Decision

After praying and talking to my husband, and various others, I have decided to homeschool Blondie. Most of the response I have gotten from others has been negative. They tell me that it will tie me down and I will lose my freedom. That is true. It's quite possible that I won't be able to attend BSF unless I switch to evenings instead of mornings. My husband really doesn't want me to go in the evenings and disrupt my time with him. But I decided that Blondie is more important than BSF, and I will give it up if I need to. BSF will still be there when I finish homeschooling her. When I prayed about it, after struggling with it for days on my own, I felt a great peace that this was the right thing to do.

I don't know how long it will be. It might be just for one year, or it might be the rest of her school career. I really don't know.

I found out from her teacher that she will be passing third grade. There was a question about it for a while. She has already repeated first grade, and if she were to fail again, she would be in the same grade as her sister who is two years younger. I couldn't let that happen, and so I was definitely going to homeschool in that case. But since she is passing, I have a choice.

Most people thought that I wouldn't homeschool now since I don't HAVE to. But there's more to it than that for me. The child is so emotionally messed up, to the point she almost doesn't have emotions. She's all happy, all the time. I'm sure that's what she thinks she has to do. I can see that Bubbles has more emotional reactions than Blondie. Bubbles is more attached than Blondie.

Blondie has a lower IQ. I think that she will be able to function normally in society, but it would be easy for not-nice people to take advantage of her. I think that she will learn more from me, one-on-one, than just barely scraping by with a busy teacher in the classroom.

She wasn't nurtured and cherished as a baby. Then Bubbles was born less than two years later, and I believe Blondie was pushed aside in favor of the baby. Blondie tries to be just like Bubbles. We have worked on it and it has improved, but she still thinks Bubbles is better than her and that she will get more attention and love if she copies Bubbles. I have also noticed that she is insecure around Bubbles. When we are working together on her homework, she will be doing okay, but if Bubbles comes to sit down and listen, suddenly Blondie can't focus or remember anything. And that is with Bubbles just sitting quietly and not even distracting her.

I feel like Blondie needs this year at home with me, just to be loved and cherished and have Mom all to herself all day. I hope that this will build her confidence in herself and allow her to feel important, and learn to give and receive love. I'm really choosing to do this more for that reason than for the education part of it, but I believe that it's worth it for that end of it too.

Those of you who are praying people, please pray for me that I will be able to be organized and keep up the pace, because this is a new endeavor for me. I went to Mardel and bought several workbooks to help me get going. I got math, spelling, language arts, phonics, reading, handwriting, social studies and science. I also plan to teach her piano, sewing, cooking and bible stories.

I really think it will be good for both of us. The next hurdle will be to notify the school that she won't be attending next year, though I'm not exactly sure how to do that.

Mama & The Birthday

When Bubbles and Blondie moved in they immediately began calling us Mommy & Daddy. Being that they were already 8 & 6, we didn't know how they would feel about that, but it didn't seem to bother them a bit. My older kids call me Mom, Mama, Mommy and sometimes Bucky even calls me Mompo. He's 13, and he makes up cute names, like he calls my mom Grammy-Cakes. Too cute.

Anyway, Bubbles has started calling me Mama, quite regularly now for the past few days. I really like it. It's more personal and feels more affectionate. It warms my heart when I hear it.

Today I'm letting Blondie stay home from school to celebrate her birthday. I did the same thing on Babygirl's and Bubbles' last birthdays. We go out to eat and shopping and whatever strikes us as fun.

Gotta go get ready!

Fighting

Bubbles came home Tuesday with a discipline referral from the principal's office for fighting. It said that she spit on and bit another student. Holy Cow! Not what I wanted to hear, and quite unexpected.

I asked her what happened. She told me that she was hanging upside down on the monkey bars and her shirt came up so she got down and fixed her shirt. But one of her friends came over and pulled her shirt back up, so she retaliated and pulled up the other girls shirt, and I guess they got into a scuffle and Bubbles spit on her and bit her.

We had a talk about what she should have done versus what she actually did, which I guess they had already done at school. Then I talked to her about how she might lose her friend if she treats her that way, and that if she continues that kind of behavior into adulthood, she might end up in jail. It's not ever okay to put your hands on someone else in a harmful manner.

I told her that I love her and that I have to discipline her in order to make her change, and she needed to understand how bad it is to harm another person. So she got four nights of going to bed early. I wasn't entirely satisfied with the punishment, but I couldn't think of what was a logical consequence for fighting. I guess going to bed early for four nights is a bit like jail (okay, maybe not) but maybe it will give her some time to really think about what she did.

Warning: Gross Post Ahead

So to update over the past week:

Blondie tried to sneak a pair of sunglasses to school in her backpack. She was told after the ball on the bus incident that she couldn't take anything else to school with her this year. These were toy sunglasses by the way, and it was impossible to see through them and provided no eye protection. So anyway, I found them in her backpack. I asked her if there was anything in her backpack that shouldn't be there and she said no. So I asked her again if she was trying to sneak anything to school in her backpack and suddenly she says that she didn't put them in there, it's just that she threw them into the backpack area and they fell in there, but at this point I hadn't even mentioned the sunglasses. Yeah, okay.

And Bubbles came home one day with a note in her folder from her teacher, but also with a star next to it. Before she even showed it to me, she told me that it was so funny, that her teacher started writing a bad note in her folder until she realized it was Bubbles's folder, and then she put a star on it. But the note from the teacher wasn't scratched out, and there was no indication that the note was there by accident. So after some questioning, she admitted that the note was about her. She's quite devious.

Okay, here comes the gross part: Yesterday Boaz found a large gooey booger on the arm of the couch. Only Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles were in the room at the time of the incident. Boaz found it and went into full interrogation mode. No one wanted to claim it. I interjected that the cat had been lying there all day, and maybe it was possible it came from the cat. Boaz said he didn't think anything like that could come out of a cat. I didn't inspect the offending body excretion myself, so I can't say, but I was hoping that none of my kids would actually do that. The interrogation lasted for some time, and Bubbles eventually confessed that she leaned over the arm of the couch to throw something in the trash, and it "fell" out of her nose. At some point I lost it and started laughing, but I was trying so hard not to let it show. It was so gross but so funny for that very reason, and just the questioning "did you feel the booger come out of your nose" and "show me exactly what you were doing when the booger came out". It was unreal. I'm laughing right now just thinking of it.

Anyway...a day in the life of our family.

Some Hope

Last night I saw a glimmer of hope. Or maybe it was a great big ray. Anyway, I found out that last Friday, Blondie got her ball taken up on the bus by the bus driver because it was rolling around on the floor of the bus. No one is allowed to have any toys out of their backpacks while they are on the bus, and my kids know that I expect them to follow the bus rules. In fact, if you have too many citations, you can get kicked off the bus completely. Anyway, she didn't tell us about it, but on Monday she asked for her ball back and one of her siblings heard her and told me. I didn't mention it until after Boaz got home, because I wanted her to do her homework and chores and help with dinner and not be upset.

We talked to her after dinner. We went in our room for privacy and Boaz asked her if she had done anything today at school or on the bus that we needed to know about. She said no. Then he asked her if there was anything from last week, and she told us about the ball incident. Boaz asked her why she didn't tell us and she said because she thought she would get in "big trouble". He asked her if she was trying to hide it or if she just forgot. She said she was trying to hide it.

Then Boaz asked what she thought would be the appropriate punishment, and she said she shouldn't get to go to her activity time on Wednesday night because she loves it so much. This was said with tears streaming down her face.

I was really impressed with her last night, because it is so different from how she used to be. First of all, she wouldn't have admitted anything happened on the bus, and would have called everyone else a liar, and it would have taken 15 minutes just to get her to admit what happened. She also would have taken the bait and said she "just forgot" to tell us when Boaz asked her that. She also would have said "I don't know" when asked what she thought her punishment would be.

I told her that she would not be allowed to take any more toys to school for the rest of the school year, which is what her punishment would have been if she had told me what happened in the first place. But since she tried to hide it, she also had to go to bed early one night. I told her that because she told the truth about everything, and was even brave enough to say that she should miss Wednesday night, that she could go to bed early on Tuesday night instead. She thanked me and we hugged and I told her that I was very proud of the progress she has made and that I can really see a difference in her. And it was true.

I hope it continues.

Has anyone ever played farkel? We played the last couple of nights and had a lot of fun. It's good for a big group with some smaller kids mixed in because the rules are pretty simple. You need six dice and the rules can be found online. We also like to play Crazy Eights and Old Maid.

Response

I had a comment that said, "I would suggest giving some positive reinforcement as well - snuggling, and "I love you even if I can't trust you.""

Oh, we do that. They get hugs and kisses throughout the day, and when they get in trouble we always tell them that we still love them no matter what they do, and that we always will, and that there's nothing they could do to change that. They are very comfortable coming to me for affection and saying "I love you."

I can see why someone might think I don't do that, because I don't talk about it. I tend to talk about the things I'm struggling with, and affection and positive reinforcement aren't a problem. I tell them how proud I am of them for how far they have come and how much they have changed. I readily brag on them when I see good behavior. It's not a problem so I don't mention it here, but I probably should.

Does that make sense?

Over the last week, Bubbles memorized Psalm 1 and has been telling it to everyone who will listen. It's really sweet.

The girls were in a special Mother's Day program at church today, and they did a great job. Blondie was on the drama team and both she and Bubbles were on the sign language team and signed to the song "Word of God Speak" by Mercy Me. It was precious and I took pictures. See below.

They are the two in the middle.

Ups, Downs and a Bad Cat

Blondie has been doing better the last couple of days. Bubbles has stayed out of trouble too, so we've had a nice, quiet break. But yesterday, Bucky decided to try his hand at disobedience. I was shocked and disappointed. He's now grounded from the phone and his video games for a week. He's usually such a good kid, so I think it's an aberration and hopefully he'll straighten back up. We had a talk with him about trust, and how if we can't trust him with the small things, we won't be able to trust him with the bigger things either. That boy can really pour on the charm after he gets in trouble. He was sweetness itself for the rest of the evening.

Our cat Joey really shouldn't reside in the house. He gets into everything. He opens doors, because we have the lever type. About two weeks ago, he got into the pantry and chewed into a Juicy Juice and spilled it all over the floor, and chewed through the bottom of a brand new bag of catfood and had a nice meal. Until we found him. He also tries to go outside. We have to lock the back door or he lets himself out, and he never closes the door behind himself. So then we have a missing cat or two and we're air conditioning the neighborhood. Fortunately they've never gotten farther than the inside of the garage before we find them, and usually they are crouched down and scared to death. If they are so scared, why do they go out there? Cats.

He also likes to swipe food and dishes off the table. This morning, with three people sitting and eating breakfast, he swiped at Bucky's bowl and managed to spill part of it on the floor. We usually push all the plates toward the middle of the table so he won't know they are up there but I guess we left one too close to the edge.

By the way he acts you'd think we don't feed him, but the fact is he's a bit overweight. I have to measure out his food or he'll get huge. He bullies both the other cats and tries to eat their food too. I know that cat belongs outside, and he knows he belongs outside. But Babygirl doesn't. If it wasn't for her, I'm sure he'd be out there by now.

We're going to change some of the door handles back to round ones. We tried adding some baby locks from Babies R Us, and they work but they are a pain. It's crazy the things we're having to do because of that cat.

She Just Won't Stop Lying

Blondie got a stern talk and sent to bed early - even earlier than we had planned at first. We talked to her about the stealing, and Boaz thought she should miss out on all the Friday night fun, so she had a bowl of oatmeal and went to bed while the rest of us had a pancake supper followed by popcorn and movies.

You would think that she would wake up smart this morning with her tail between her legs, ready to obey and get out of trouble, right? No such thing. Boaz told her to stay in bed this morning until we called her downstairs. I came out of my room to find her on the stairs. I asked her why, and she said she heard me open the door and was coming down to see if we were up. Mind you, I had only taken four steps out of my bedroom to look up the stairs, and she sleeps in a top bunk. I said, "So you were able to get out of your top bunk, go across your room and get halfway down the stairs in the time it took me to take four steps?" and she said "YES". Huge sigh here. I told her to get back in bed and wait for one of us to come talk to her.

So I left to take Babygirl to take her SAT, and Boaz went to talk to Blondie. He asked her about getting out of bed before he told her she could and about lying to me. She told him she hadn't lied to me, even though Bubbles confirmed that Blondie was out of bed before I opened my door - all in front of Blondie. So even when she is caught and everyone knows it, she STILL tries to lie. How do you get through to a kid who will argue with you that the sky is orange?

Anyway, we're off to such a fun start today.

I'm taking Bubbles to the library to check out a book on weather. Boaz loves storms and so now Bubbles does too. When we get back, I'm taking Bucky to get a haircut, a new game for his handheld and some new shirts. He's been a great help around the house lately since Babygirl has been too busy with all her advanced schoolwork.

Stinky

Blondie is the toughest nut to crack and I know it is because she has endured more. However there was a good sign the other day - she came home and asked if she could talk to me because she had been thinking about THEM. She refers to them by their first names. She almost never mentions them, and when she does it is just about some activity she participated in with bio-dad. Anyway, she told me about something bad they had done in front of her. I already knew this information, but I don't think she knew that I knew. Anyway, I assured her that we would never subject her to that, and she was safe here. I told her that if she has bad thoughts she should remember that nothing like that has ever happened here so she knows it won't. Then try to think about good things. I was very encouraged that she asked to talk to me about it.

Then she lies, disobeys, lies some more and steals something, and I'm discouraged again. She's going to bed an hour early tonight, 30 minutes early tomorrow night, and I'm not sure what to do about the stealing. I haven't even told Boaz yet because I only found out this morning.

Bubbles and Blondie both had an opportunity to lie to me last night, but Bubbles told the truth. Blondie lied. I made a point to talk about it with each of them, and talk about their consequences of making good and bad decisions. I showed Bubbles how by telling the truth she didn't receive a punishment and how Blondie lied and has to go to bed early Saturday night. I discussed the very same things with Blondie. I'm trying so hard to help them connect their consequences with their actions, so that maybe they'll begin to think before they act. Sometimes I think that Bubbles has an easier time and is making more progress, but then she'll turn around and do something so devious I'm just amazed.

On a different subject, Bubbles has body odor. This began when she was 7. As Boaz puts it, "she smells like an old man." He's right. Ugh. I mentioned it to the nurse at Blondie's doctor's office and she suggested that I take her to see her pediatrician. I haven't made an appointment yet. It concerns me, but it also could be that she is just hitting puberty a bit early. I don't know. It just kills me that I might have two with endocrine problems. I feel angry with their bio-mom.

Anyway, my 8 year old is now using deodorant.

Family Update

Boaz is doing well. His job is going well and he is in a training class for two weeks. He's actually on a normal schedule and it's nice to see him in the mornings and have him stay up until 9 or 10 pm with us.

Babygirl is working hard in school. She has many advanced classes, and is preparing to be a senior next year. She isn't ready for it and neither am I. She's too young to be grown up. I'm not ready. Oh wait, I just said that.

I'm very proud of Bucky. He is growing into a fun and responsible young man. He's made some choices that I am very proud of.

Blondie seems to be doing better in school. We'll find out this week when we get her report card. I haven't had any recent calls or notes from her teachers so I'm assuming she's behaving herself. She's still on growth hormone shots and has grown nearly five inches in a year. She still hasn't caught up with Bubbles but she's getting close. I think it would be wonderful if she actually got taller than Bubbles. It would do wonders for her self esteem. She gets picked on a lot for being so small.

It's hard to know how Bubbles is doing. I know that she really wants to be part of our family, but she's stil faking and doing what she thinks she is supposed to do, rather than just being herself. Maybe I'm guilty of that too. Maybe I'm being who I think I should be with her, rather than showing my true feelings. She's deceptive and sneaky, and that makes it hard for me to feel close to her.

I keep hoping they will open up to me, but so far no luck. Meanwhile, time marches on. I'm still working for the church doing the website and going to BSF on Wednesdays. The rest of the time I take kids to doctor's appointments and help kids with their homework and take people to music lessons. Bucky joined the middle school youth band at church and enjoys it.

I've tried and tried with the girls, and I feel defeated. I've been asking God to heal the broken places in them, because I'm at a loss. I've come up against a problem I can't solve. I know there is a lesson in this for me. I just pray that the girls will eventually learn what we are trying so hard to teach them, about love and honesty and treating others the way you'd like to be treated.

I'm heartsick over it at times, and numb at others.

I'll try to update more often.

Stealing Food and Failing School

We've been under a bit of stress lately, as you might have a hint of from the title of this entry.

Last Monday, I received calls from both Bubbles' and Blondie's teachers. Let's start with Bubbles. Her teacher called to say that a boy's snack had disappeared from his cubbie hole out in the hall. Everyone in the class knew that he was looking for it. Then when snack time came, my little Bubbles pulled his snack out of her bag and began to eat it. When she was asked about it, she said, "oh, you said you were looking for a donut and this is a sausage roll" which was true, but nevertheless, she knew who she had taken it from and that he was looking for it. When her teacher asked her where she got it, she said she found it on the floor. Her teacher proceeded to tell her that we don't eat food that we found on the floor, and took it away and threw it in the trash. Then she sent her to talk to the counselor, and she insisted to the counselor that she found it on the floor. When the counselor told her teacher, the teacher rightly informed the counselor that the snack had not been on the floor, and Bubbles finally admitted that she took it from his cubby. I was a bit shocked by all this, because there hasn't been any food stealing at home. I assumed that it was a one time thing, and that maybe the embarrassment of it would cause her not to do it again, and that we would treat it as such for the time being. However, when confronted that evening, Bubbles admitted not only that she had stolen the snack, but that she had been stealing snacks from her friends all year long. Most people instantly think at this point, maybe I'm not sending her enough food. But she herself has asked me to send her less food because she can't eat it all. Now her teacher doesn't trust her and won't let her go out in the hall by herself anymore since that is where the cubbies are.

Sigh.

The second call was from Blondie's teacher. Blondie's last two report cards have dropped significantly, and she failed the reading portion of her state mandated test. She hasn't taken the math portion yet, but I will be pleasantly surprised if she passes it. Her teacher reported that Blondie isn't minding her, and is talking all the time. She had not been bringing me the notes that her teacher was sending home so she finally had to call. Her teacher put her at a table all by herself to try to curtail all the talking, and took away her recess for a week for not bringing me the notes. Her teacher also told me that Blondie doesn't do her homework. I asked if that meant she wasn't doing her work at school, or not bringing back her work from home, because she never has any homework. Ding ding ding!! Okay, she has homework almost every night, but wasn't bringing it home so I didn't know. We've also noticed that her retention is almost nil. We've worked and worked and worked with her on her multiplication facts, and each time she finally gets it, but if she leaves it and comes back it is gone, just like she's never seen it before. We've worked with her for weeks, and now we are finally seeing some progress, but I'm convinced that she can't learn at the same pace as the other students. I really wanted to keep her mainstreamed if possible, but now the teachers are doing all but telling me that she's going to fail third grade. I don't think that will help anything. So when I was talking with her teacher, I asked that she be tested to see if she qualifies for any services. I haven't heard anything yet, but it's only been a week. I'm considering homeschooling her...but I don't know yet.

Their behavior at home continues to be consistently good, except for lying every time they get in trouble. Otherwise they obey and play pretty nicely, as long as we are around. Our issues with them still revolve mainly around when we are not there, such as church, school, grandma's house, etc. We took an anniversary weekend and left all four kids with Grandpa, and Blondie drove him crazy, and wouldn't do anything he asked. When we got them back, he told me he didn't understand how we did it. I told him that if he provides no consequences, they will not mind. It's just how they are. They know that we will send them to bed early or put them in time out so they mind us.

Sometimes I get really frustrated, and my husband reminds me that we can't control their behavior. We can only teach them and provide consequences, and the rest is up to them. We can't be with them every minute, and we can't get in their heads and change their minds about things.

They are hard to love sometimes, and sometimes they are sweet and cuddly and easy to love. This is no easy road we have chosen.