Time to Think

I've spent a lot of time thinking, and I've realized some ways that I can improve my parenting of Bubbles and Blondie.

1) I need to stop looking at everything they do through a negative filter. It didn't start out that way. I was on the right track when we started. I had high hopes for them and just knew that we would all bond into a loving family over time. Instead, we began to deteriorate over time. As we were disappointed over and over and over, and nothing I said or did seemed to make a difference, I started to give up. I grew angry and distant. I was civil but not especially nice. I just knew that everything they did was manipulative and fake. In fact, it probably is, but that isn't my point. When they do something nice, that they should do, I need to praise them for it, even when I know it is fake and they have ulterior motives. How will they want to do the right thing for the right reasons, if I don't respond as if they did? Does that make sense? If I praise and reward them for doing the right things, hopefully they will eventually do them for the right reasons. Either way, I need to release all the negative feelings that have built up inside me toward them.

2) I need to see their failures principally as they affect them, instead of how they offend me. I'm really working on that one. In the beginning, I was trying to enforce my power over them, and was highly offended that they would dare to disobey or lie to me. Now I'm just trying to look at how those behaviors will affect their lives. I'm also working harder than ever to make the punishment related to the crime.

Some examples:
On Saturday, we went as a family to the wildlife park and my parents came too. Blondie was sitting next to me in the van, and turned to tell me something and her breath was so bad I nearly passed out! I asked her if she brushed her teeth, and she lied and said she did. I asked to see her teeth and they were gummy and yellow. Ew. I asked if she used toothpaste and she said no. I'm sure she didn't brush them at all. So I asked Bubbles if she had brushed her teeth and she said no. I had specifically reminded both of them to brush their teeth before we left. I asked her why she didn't and she said she just didn't feel like it. So I told them both that we would be stopping at the next grocery store and they would have to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste with their own money and brush their teeth at the wildlife park. They were not allowed to talk until they brushed their teeth due to their bad breath. I also made them brush their teeth with baking soda the next three times after we got home to help them appreciate the nice tasting toothpaste I provide for them.

Today, Bubbles came home with a note that she was cheating at school. I took her into my room to talk to her alone about it. I didn't even feel angry. Normally I would have yelled and punished her. I asked her about what happened and she said that one of her friends was struggling on the practice test, so she offered to let her cheat off her paper. They were both caught and got in trouble. I explained to Bubbles that she isn't helping her friend in the long run if she does this. I also explained to her that letting people use you isn't the best way to make friends. I encouraged her that she is a sweet fun girl and doesn't need to bribe people to be friends with her. Then I gave her a bowl of oatmeal and sent her to bed early while the rest of us had nacho night.

I'm still in there trying.