She Might Pass

I talked with Blondie's principal again yesterday. Her grades have been borderline all year, but the only subject she is truly in danger of failing is social studies. He said that they look at the core classes and that they wouldn't hold her back just for social studies. There are also state tests that need to be passed but he said they have some power in the decision making process there too. He said that he talked to her teacher yesterday, and her teacher felt that she would be able to go on to the fifth grade if she will just slow down and try a little harder before just putting down any answer.

So that is good news. I requested to have her tested for additional services, but he said that they have to try doing tutoring before the state will allow them to spend the money. So far she is still scraping by. If they try to fail her without doing the testing, I'm going to be upset. If she passes then we'll have more time to deal with it next year if she can't keep up.

Time to Think

I've spent a lot of time thinking, and I've realized some ways that I can improve my parenting of Bubbles and Blondie.

1) I need to stop looking at everything they do through a negative filter. It didn't start out that way. I was on the right track when we started. I had high hopes for them and just knew that we would all bond into a loving family over time. Instead, we began to deteriorate over time. As we were disappointed over and over and over, and nothing I said or did seemed to make a difference, I started to give up. I grew angry and distant. I was civil but not especially nice. I just knew that everything they did was manipulative and fake. In fact, it probably is, but that isn't my point. When they do something nice, that they should do, I need to praise them for it, even when I know it is fake and they have ulterior motives. How will they want to do the right thing for the right reasons, if I don't respond as if they did? Does that make sense? If I praise and reward them for doing the right things, hopefully they will eventually do them for the right reasons. Either way, I need to release all the negative feelings that have built up inside me toward them.

2) I need to see their failures principally as they affect them, instead of how they offend me. I'm really working on that one. In the beginning, I was trying to enforce my power over them, and was highly offended that they would dare to disobey or lie to me. Now I'm just trying to look at how those behaviors will affect their lives. I'm also working harder than ever to make the punishment related to the crime.

Some examples:
On Saturday, we went as a family to the wildlife park and my parents came too. Blondie was sitting next to me in the van, and turned to tell me something and her breath was so bad I nearly passed out! I asked her if she brushed her teeth, and she lied and said she did. I asked to see her teeth and they were gummy and yellow. Ew. I asked if she used toothpaste and she said no. I'm sure she didn't brush them at all. So I asked Bubbles if she had brushed her teeth and she said no. I had specifically reminded both of them to brush their teeth before we left. I asked her why she didn't and she said she just didn't feel like it. So I told them both that we would be stopping at the next grocery store and they would have to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste with their own money and brush their teeth at the wildlife park. They were not allowed to talk until they brushed their teeth due to their bad breath. I also made them brush their teeth with baking soda the next three times after we got home to help them appreciate the nice tasting toothpaste I provide for them.

Today, Bubbles came home with a note that she was cheating at school. I took her into my room to talk to her alone about it. I didn't even feel angry. Normally I would have yelled and punished her. I asked her about what happened and she said that one of her friends was struggling on the practice test, so she offered to let her cheat off her paper. They were both caught and got in trouble. I explained to Bubbles that she isn't helping her friend in the long run if she does this. I also explained to her that letting people use you isn't the best way to make friends. I encouraged her that she is a sweet fun girl and doesn't need to bribe people to be friends with her. Then I gave her a bowl of oatmeal and sent her to bed early while the rest of us had nacho night.

I'm still in there trying.

Keeping Her In

I'm considering a door alarm and a video monitor. Does anyone use these, and could you recommend one?

Ready to Give Up

I quit.

That's what I really want to do. SIGH

I'm realizing that a big part of the problem is ME. I have control issues.

SIGH

I can't control her. I need to learn to look at things as they happen, and not as to how I think that behavior will manifest itself in the future. I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind, and then reacting to those things instead of what actually happened. I need to get a grip.

The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I had no idea what I was getting into when I adopted these girls. And compared to a lot of stories I've read on others' blogs, my girls are EASY. Except they aren't teens yet, and that is what scares me. I wonder about the horrors yet to come. Relax, get a grip.

I just want to cry. I've tried so HARD. But all I've done is upset myself. It doesn't change their behavior if I'm nice, mean, attentive, indifferent, happy, angry, advising or holding my tongue. Actually, that's not true. Bubbles is a success story for the most part. So I'm not all bad. And everyone tells me how much the girls have changed since we got them, and how good they are doing now.

But I feel defeated. Ready to throw in the towel. Boaz says I need to focus on changing me because I can't change Blondie. I have to learn how to stay calm and rational in the face of fear and shock. Of course it's my own fault that I was afraid and shocked I guess.

Last night after Blondie and Bubbles had been upstairs in bed for nearly an hour, Babygirl thought of something she needed in her room and ran upstairs to get it. When she got there, she found Blondie huddled in a corner hiding in her room. Blondie stood up, said "Hi Babygirl" and then ran past her out of the room.

So Babygirl told Blondie to come downstairs with her and told me what happened.

It scared me. I was freaked out. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But images of her sneaking into Babygirl's room with evil intent in the middle of the night was going through my head. Having an uncontrollable child wandering through the house at night is unacceptable to me. I did ask her what she was doing in there, and she said she was listening to us downstairs. We weren't talking about anything, really. Babygirl was on the family computer and Bucky and I were playing a game together on the laptop. There wasn't anything to hear. But I had made her close her door and I guess she didn't like that and wanted to listen to us. Or maybe she was lying to me. I really don't know. I do know that she can't be sneaking into Babygirl's room.

I yelled a lot. I said a couple of curse words. I'm really ashamed of my behavior. I wish I could rewind a few years and change this mess. I wish I could rewind about 12 hours.

I need to learn to deal with problems better. Only usually, I'm a calm person. It's just that the stress of the past few years has really gotten to me.

Think long and hard before you adopt kids from foster care. Make sure that you don't have any underlying anger or control issues. You will be challenged to your wit's end. Be sure you can handle it. I'm having a hard time.

Response to Anonymous

I had an anonymous poster say about my "Hard to Explain" post:

you said "it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring...." but in your explanation of the situation, you did not describe her asking for advice. Only described her telling you or maybe even venting that glue keeps getting on her lunchbox. If that is the case, and she did not ask for your advice.. then aren't you the one who wasn't very nice?She was venting and you were "fixing". Often times our kids need our ear and our understanding more than they need anything else.

Maybe so. In thinking back over the situation, she didn't actually ask...but she said it the way she always does when she wants my help. She wants me to fix everything. She comes to me with a complaint and then looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. It was the tattling voice that she uses when complains about her sister's stuff on her side of the room. etc. It wasn't just a sad, needing some comfort kind of voice. I frequently do say something to the effect of "I'm sorry to hear that" and that makes her mad too. I get that same glare. I guess you might have to live with her day to day and see her body language and know her to understand, and to have lived with her for the past two and a half years and know her cues.

I think she really wanted me to say this: "I'll come up to the school and talk to your teacher and see if she will talk to them about not getting glue on your lunchbox." But instead of taking it on myself, I offered a solution that involved HER changing something, and she didn't appreciate that. Next time though, I think I'll ask her to try to think of a solution, and see if we can come up with one together. Obviously, if I'd known it was going to blow up like that I would have done it differently. Hindsight is 20/20 you know.

SIGH

Okay, so I should be thankful that it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I started by taking Blondie into my room and telling her that we were going to see what she has learned in the past 2 1/2 years. She said okay. She knows that means that I'm looking for a truthful answer to the next question. I pulled out the earrings and asked her to tell me everything she knew about them. She said that someone gave them to her. I asked her who, and she said a friend. She said um...uh...I'm trying to remember her name....um...I said you are lying to me. She said no, a friend did give them to her! I said who was it? She said um, uh, I'm trying to think of her name. I said unless you can tell me her name you are lying to me. She said it was Avery. I said okay, let's go call Avery and see if she says that she gave these to you. She said no, it wasn't Avery. So I asked again who it was, and she said it was KS (a boy). I asked why he gave them to her and she said she didn't know. He just walked up and handed them to her and she said thanks and that's it. Right.

Anyway, I'm thankful that it wasn't a big ordeal to find out who they belonged to. Now I just have to get his phone number and call his mother so I can find out where the earrings came from. If they are hers, they need to go back.

Blondie went to bed early tonight. Her birthday party plans are in jeopardy due to her poor behavior.

Dangly Pink Earrings

As I was doing the laundry, I found some dangly pink earrings. Since they had already been washed, they had fallen out of whatever pocket they were hidden in and I don't know who stole/found/hid them. I do have a good idea though.

Babygirl has never stolen anything in her life, and absolutely hates pink, so there's no question there. Blondie lies/disobeys/sneaks things all the time. Bubbles still lies sometimes, disobeys occasionally, and hardly ever sneaks things anymore.

But therein lies my dilemma. I can tell you without a doubt that Blondie and Bubbles will deny having ever seen said earrings or brought them home. Lately, Bubbles has been better about admitting the truth when confronted. We have been trying to teach them from day one to tell the truth and accept the consequences for their actions, instead of lying and having more consequences than they would have. Blondie will usually deny the truth when it is staring her in the face and there is no question at all who did it. But sometimes Bubbles lies too. It's hard to use my intuition on these things, because they are both very convincing liars. They can summon outrage and tears when they are guilty as sin. If you didn't know better, you'd believe that neither of them had never done anything wrong in their entire lives. They're that good.

My gut says it was Blondie, just because it usually is. But we'll see what happens this afternoon when they get home.

I hate these situations. Hopefully someone will own up to it instead of there being a big ordeal.

Pretty Good Week

Blondie had a pretty good week at school, I think. She was rude to her teacher on Thursday and had to go to bed early, but other than that she did well. Whenever her teacher stamps her folder I have asked her to initial it too, because once Blondie snuck into her desk and stamped her own folder so I don't know for sure when there is just a stamp.

Anyway, I'm trying the two armed hugs now. I think she was a bit surprised at first but she returned it warmly. We rode home together today from a trip out to the country to drop off Babygirl and she opened up a bit to me, and complained about the horror movies her bio parents let her watch and how they still scare her when she thinks about it. One was about Uncle Sam, and so images of him scare her. She was six or less when she watched it. I know she also saw the Chucky movies.

Sick, sick people.

More Hugs

We all need more hugs. Babygirl is going through a transitional time and needs more affection right now, and was wise enough to tell me.

I've also noticed that Blondie is making a point to come to me each morning and when she gets home from school to get a hug. And I've noticed that I'm more receptive because I'm not so mad at her. Most of my hugs for her in the past have been the unenthusiastic one armed kind, because she defies me at every point and then wants a hug. I'm going to make a point to give her warmer, two armed hugs. :)

She's doing better over all. She did have another episode of denying reality two nights ago when Boaz asked her if she was doing a particular thing, and she said no, and then he told her that he saw her do it and she still denied it. It's very frustrating. But it's happening less often. She seems to be doing more of her schoolwork, but she could just be covering better right now. Hopefully she really is, but we'll find out tomorrow or next Friday, whenever report cards come out.

I'm very concerned that she will fail fourth grade this year. Her grades have been atrocious and she has failed the state exams. If she does fail, it will be her second time to do so and she will be in the same grade as Bubbles. I hate to see that happen, but there's nothing I can do. I've tried every way I know to motivate her with minimal results. I've seen the most response from her when I'm excited that she brought home her homework, so that "I get to learn about social studies tonight" or "I love those hard spelling words!" I think she'll work for praise, it's just been so hard to give it when I was so mad. It's like I read on another blog, I've been forced to examine things in myself that I'm not proud of. But I'm really trying.

Hard to Explain

It might seem crazy, but I find it hard to explain sometimes what the problem with Blondie is. She's so sweet and charming to everyone else. In fact, she's even sweet and charming with me. So what's the problem? I know, but it's hard to explain.

Before I start over with a new counselor, I want to have my thoughts collected, so I'm going to use this blog to do it. Forgive me if I sound like I'm nitpicking, but I need to write down everything so I can see trends.

This morning she complained that people keep getting glue on her lunchbox. I asked her how this was happening. She said that she gets her lunchbox out and puts it under her cubby for easy access when it is time to go to lunch. I suggested that she just leave her lunchbox in her backpack so it wouldn't get glue on it. She frowned at me. I asked if it took that long to unzip her backpack and pull out her lunchbox. She said no. So again I said to just leave her lunchbox in her backpack and then it won't get glue on it. She stared at me frowning with no response looking like she hated me.

So then I got frustrated and told her that I wasn't saying she HAD to leave her lunchbox in her backpack, and that she could do it however she wanted, but she had asked for my help and I was just making a suggestion. I told her that the only person we can control is ourselves, and the only way to protect her lunchbox was to keep it put up. I asked her what was more important to her, having the lunchbox ready to go, or keeping glue off of it? She said it was more important to keep glue off it, but she just kept frowning at me and looking mad. I asked her what she wanted me to say and she said she didn't know. So then I told her that it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring at me after I offered a suggestion and I made her apologize to me for acting ugly. Then we just moved on and the rest of the morning was okay.

I fired her

I had an overwhelming feeling that the counselor was wrong for us, so I left her a message and we quit.

Now I have to find another one that accepts Medicaid.

Counselor Doubts

I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with our counselor being able to help Blondie. She enjoys her visits (we've had three) but I think the woman has no experience at all with foster kids.

I talked to her last week about my concerns about attachment issues. I said that I felt that Blondie might put more stock in what I tell her if she was more attached to me. She pooh-poohed that and said that Blondie is just impulsive and not thinking at all about her disobedience as being disrespectful, blah blah blah. Maybe so, maybe not, but that is not the point. The point is that we aren't attached in a way that would be healthy for both of us.

So I tried again this week. I told her that I was interested in working on attachment with Blondie. I told her that she isn't involved with the family the way that Bubbles is. She said that we should try to include her more. So I corrected that and said that Blondie is involved in our activities, but she is holding back emotionally. I said that Bubbles is really trying to integrate herself into the family and wants to be part of us, but Blondie could probably go to another family and other than the shock to her system over the home and school change, she'd be okay and just have a new female caregiver to provide food and clothes. At that point the counselor said, "Are you saying you'd like her to go to another family?"

I nearly exploded. I told her, "You completely misunderstood what I was trying to say!" I'm just saying that Blondie is not attached, and I want her to be, not that I want her to leave! I wouldn't be asking for help for attachment issues if I wanted to kick her to the curb. I don't know if we're going to go back. I think I really need to find a counselor that understands foster kids.

Oh, and when I asked again specifically on working on attachment, she said that I should spend time with her one on one for 20 to 30 minutes every other day.

Thanks for the help, lady.

Algebra

My third grader had some fraction reducing homework, and being the math person that I am, it somehow led to a mini-algebra lesson.

Then I said, "Now you will already know some of this stuff when you get to Algebra."

And Bubbles responded, looking a bit worried, "Where is Algebra?"

Cute.

I quickly explained that Algebra was a what, not a where, and we weren't sending her away to Algebra.