And One More Thing...

Here is an email I just got from Agency Worker that she sent to K & D:

"Hey K and D-

As I shared with you guys, Girl1 & Girl2's foster mother, Foster Mom, is going on a week long trip beginning 11/13. I found out today that we have not yet been able to locate respite for Girl1 & Girl2. If we are able to find a home with available spaces they will almost certainly have to miss school for that week. Just wanted to keep you guys up to date. It would definitely be good for the girls if we could manage to get them placed prior to 11/13 so they can just transfer to their new school. Thanks for your efforts in getting the details worked out! Let me know if/when you could use help with de-identifying…we’ve got plenty of Sharpie markers!"

I'm disturbed that my girls might miss a whole week of school. I wish that we lived close to Foster Mom so that we could do the respite care. Although that would remove the pressure to get them placed quickly, so it wouldn't be in my best interest. And we realistically just can't do it anyway.

But Agency Worker is trying and I really appreciate her efforts.

Please God, watch over my babies and bring them home soon.

Baby Steps

Agency Worker called back. She talked to the adoption liaison. K says that she emailed the foster care worker. K told D that they needed to set up the selection staffing, and D replied that she didn't see any reason to do that and it wasn't necessary. Have I mentioned that D is not familiar with the adoption rules?! K is going to get her supervisor involved. D isn't trying to be difficult, she just doesn't understand the procedure. I'm guessing she must be pretty new to not have ever dealt with an adoption before.

Anyway, the selection staffing has to happen, but our home study will be the only one reviewed, and hopefully they will do the permanency staffing the same day. Agency Worker also told K AGAIN that someone from our agency would be willing to de-identify the files, and K said she might take them up on the offer! YEA! It's not much progress, but it's something, and I'm so happy to have heard something, even if it is small. K said that she understood that there was an anxious family (us) and Agency Worker told her that the girls are in the adoption class and are ready to be moved. I really believe that K will try to get this done for us, and I'm still praying to have my girls by November 12th.

I Want My Kids

This is hard. The bureaucracy is standing between me and two of my kids.

Is it wishing upon a star to think we will get them on November 12th? Is that even possible? The closer we get, the more I lose hope. I just talked to Agency Worker and she is going to call the adoption liaison again today. There is no news. I'm anxious, excited, discouraged and hopeful, and just a little bit mad.

I pray for all four of my kids each night. God has created a love for my two new girls in my heart. I can feel it. I don't know how they will act at first, so I may have to control my actions. I want to scoop them up and hug them, but they may not be ready for that at first. I will let them set the stage for how quickly we progress, but I'm a very affectionate person and it will be hard to hold back.

I told DH this morning that I can't picture one of the girl's faces exactly. One of them I remember perfectly. He told me that he can picture both of them with big smiles. That really warmed my heart to hear that. My heart is about to explode from wanting to bring them home. I just want to know WHEN, even if I'm not happy with it. I'm so happy to know WHO. That's a really big hurdle that I'm very thankful for. But now that I know, I just want to storm over there and take my girls! It's so hard to wait and not know how long it will be. The girls haven't even been told yet that we are adopting them.

Okay, different subject. My son had four friends spend the night Saturday to celebrate his birthday. Wow! A houseful of preteen boys is a force to be reckoned with. They were ordered outside at least twice, because of shooting each other and playing tag in the house. These boys are big enough to cause some damage! It was really fun, and yes I would do it again, but at least I'll be prepared. It was a lot different than having a houseful of girls. We also got to use the van for the first time. Two of the boys stayed all day with us so they could go to the Fall Festival last night and it was fun to have so many kids around.

And last night at the Fall Festival one of our preschoolers wanted to say hi to Mr. DH, and she gave him a big hug. He told me later that he would adopt her right now, and I told him that soon we will have two new girls of our own, and it was a very happy thought for both of us.

And also last night, DH was so sweet with Daughter. She had been wearing her cowboy boots all day and her feet were hurting and she was exhausted. She took her boots off and I carried them, and my sweet husband picked up his fifteen year old daughter and carried her to the van, and then when we got home he carried her into the house. Very sweet.

The Minivan, The Escapee and The Big Bruise

The title kind of sounds like a children's book, huh? But no, instead, it's my life.

The Minivan - We finally bought the minivan. Click here to see what we got! It's been over five years since we bought a new car, and it smells so nice! Of course, DH had to spoil it by telling me that "new" smell is toxic....And due to the high price of gas, I don't even get to drive it. It sits in the driveway unless we have to drive it due to the number of people to transport.

The Escapee - Joey the cat is an escapee. During the day while we are gone to work and school, Joey stays in Daughter's room. We have lever type door handles. Joey has learned that if he jumps, grabs and pulls on the doorknob enough times it will come open. We don't allow our cats free run of the house while we are gone. We have a turtle to consider, and also our furniture, curtains, window blinds, houseplants...you get the idea.

So now we have to figure out how to keep him in. I don't think a lock on the door is a good idea, since it might give a CPS worker the wrong impression! However, I'm thinking that a tiny nail on the outside of the doorframe along with a large rubber band might keep him in while we are gone. Daughter can easily block the door from coming open when she is in there with him. Hopefully he'll give up after a while when it doesn't work anymore.

The Big Bruise - My son's birthday was Wednesday. During a game of dodgeball, one of the boys threw a ball into my son's face from about three feet away. My son wears glasses. The nosepiece and the top of the lens cut his face, and the ball left a large strawberry-type bruise on his forehead. Poor kid! He looks like he was in a fight. Besides my natural concern for my son, I also thought of this: It will look pretty bad when we go to pick up our girls if we have a son with bruises on his face! Two of his teachers asked him yesterday what happened to him. He told them and no one pursued it. I was glad to hear that they asked. They need to be proactive when necessary. But for this time I'm glad no one overreacted. I don't need a CPS investigation when I'm trying to adopt from them!

I still haven't heard anything new, but I'm hoping to hear something today.

Nothing

No news today. Please keep praying.

Hurry Up And Wait

Have you ever been in your car, and held down the accelerator and the brake at the same time? The engine revs and the car goes nowhere. There's all that engine under the hood, but in reality it's not moving anywhere.

That's how I feel. I have so much energy. I'm chomping at the bit. I have a hundred things to do. I don't have a spare minute. I'm scared I'm going to forget something. I have so many things to handle in the next few weeks.

Here's the news: I tried to schedule a visit with the girls for Saturday. I called their foster mom this morning, but she hasn't heard anything from our agency or CPS saying that is was okay for us to start visits, so she said no. I understand that. She is protecting our girls and following the rules and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I called Agency Worker. She also understood and agreed that Foster Mom made the right decision. So she called the adoption liaison, K. K understands that we are hoping to bring the girls home on November 12th, and why. (Because Foster Mom is taking vacation the following week, and this would keep the girls out of respite care that week.) K is going to call D, the CPS foster care worker for the girls, and try to get things moving. D has to de-identify the files for both girls. I found out this morning that this means she will have to go through each piece of paper from every agency, etc., with a sharpee marker removing all references to names and other identifying information. It a small wonder that they ever get anything done! You'd think they'd be able to just do some kind of search and replace on the computer to remove names but they don't have soft copies of all the files, so no go.

There's only one thing to do about this situation from my end, and that's pray. I'm also asking all of my praying readers to send up a prayer for the CPS workers, D & K, that they would understand the timing, and have the energy and time to get this job done in the quickest possible way. Please also pray for Foster Mom. She currently has 10 kids due to an emergency placement. She normally only keeps six at a time. One of the kids just gave birth over the weekend, so she has a newborn there too. She had to send one of the kids to RTC last night so she really has her hands full. And she's also dealing with this anxious adoptive mom that wants her kids NOW. (That's me).

Yesterday was so busy. Immediately after work I had to take the kids to music lessons, then take my daughter to the high school for a two hour choir practice. Straight from there I went to Target to register for the baby shower. My friend is sending the shower invitations today, so the registering had to be done in a hurry. I had an hour and a half to get it all done. I really wished that I could have taken a friend or my daughter along to make it more fun and keep me focused. I picked out shoes, clothes, pajamas, winter jackets, socks, undies, hair thingees, brushes, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, hand soap in cute little pumps, arts & crafts, dolls and books. I was going mad trying to think of every possible thing we could need for two little girls. I was disappointed in their clothing selection, but we included their sizes in the invitation so maybe some of their clothes will come from other stores. They didn't really have any selection for church dresses, and we'll need those too.

Now I'm worrying about things like what they like to eat, what time do they go to bed and get up, what do I need to do to change their schools, will it insult them if I stop on the way home and get their hair cut the first day, will they cry for their Foster Mom the first night, will they cry when I leave them at Sunday School or school the first day.....

I guess you should pray for me too.

Exhausted

I spent all day Saturday trying to reorganize. All of the cleaners have to be locked up before the kids can live with us. I was supposed to take care of this some time ago. But I didn't. We've had something to do that took us away for the entire day on Saturday for the past five Saturdays. Sundays are so busy we don't have a chance to catch our breath. Some of that is our own fault, because we accidentally said yes to teaching the preschool choir on Sunday nights. I say accidentally, because we thought we were agreeing to help with the children's choir, and somehow we got shoehorned into keeping the preschoolers. DH and I aren't really the preschool type, however, I've been really impressed with how well DH handles them. He's more patient than I am. We go out on the playground and all you can hear is a chorus of "Mr. DH! Mr. DH!" from twelve energetic little voices. They love him. He's really a trooper when he needs to be.

Anyway, I had to clean out a filing cabinet so that we could use it to store the household cleaners. Then DH fabricated a locking-bar thingy and welded it to the front and added a combination lock. Daughter helped him because she has to earn hours for her FFA class outside of school. They've been having a lot of fun with that. DH was so excited when he found out that Daughter had gotten into welding class! It was fourth or fifth on her list of preferred alternatives, but she's actually enjoying it. She also really enjoys spending time with Daddy and letting him teach her things.

Unfortunately, I didn't complete the job on Saturday. My parents, grandmother, and father-in-law came over to visit us on Saturday night. That was really fun. I made homemade veggie pizzas with no cheese, and I think they liked it... After that we enjoyed a rousing game of Chicken Foot. Daughter had to leave early to babysit. We were very tired and went to bed early. Unfortunately again, we forgot to take the phone in our room when we went to bed. So when our dear friend B brought Daughter home, they couldn't get through the front gate. And even though they called EIGHT times, Son didn't hear the phone in his room and answer it. So they spent forty minutes at the gate, until finally B figured out how to trick the gate and open it from the other side. I was so embarrassed when I found the eight messages on our phone Sunday morning!

So at 4:30 am today I started cleaning house. I had to clean up the giant mess I made on Saturday, plus do the regular stuff like dusting and vacuuming. I also had to lock up the cleaners and the medications that were still out. I got to work late and I have to leave early. Praise God for flex time!

I don't have any news about when we'll get the girls. I'm hoping that Agency Worker will have something to tell us today. Fortunately I've got all the information sent in for my parents now so that they can get approved as babysitters. There's so much going on that my mind is in a whirl. I've still got to get a list to my friend so she can send out invitations to the "baby" shower. Hopefully I can get that done tonight. Then sometime I have to go register! Insert scream here. We're just so BUSY! Maybe I can do it Thursday or Friday night.

Progress

We are hoping to get the girls halfway through November. And it all depends on their assigned CPS worker, D. Agency Worker talked to D yesterday. D had heard from the girls' therapist, and from her garbled message on the answering machine, thought the therapist said it would be a bad idea to pursue adoption right now. Agency Worker was pretty sure this is not right, and that most likely the therapist was saying that the goodbye visit with the birthmom was a bad idea, not the adoption.

Agency Worker said that Girl2 has said during her sessions with the therapist that she doesn't want to be adopted. But she is only six years old, and honestly, she doesn't understand her choices. She can't go back to her birth home, and she can't stay in foster care forever. Besides that, she attended an open house last weekend with her foster family, and she approached one of the foster dads there and asked him if he would adopt her. I think she & Girl1 are both very confused, and we need to get them moved into our home as quickly as possible. We will be able to soothe their fears and help them start to settle into a permanent home.

Agency Worker is planning to call D again in a couple of days. Everything hinges on D doing the paperwork for placement. Please pray that she will make this a priority and get it done so that our family can move forward.

I had a comment below from Foster Child Advocate and she was concerned about the possibility that we would try to erase the girls' history. We would never do that. In fact we discussed framing and hanging a picture that the girls have of them with their birthparents. After many hours of training and reading books on adoption, I understand the loss that foster/adopted children feel. I will encourage them to talk about their past and be open with them. I will help them understand that it's okay to love their biological parents. I'm not in a contest with them. I only want to provide the girls a safe, loving home and be their adoptive mother. I am here to fill their needs, not vice versa. I pray that God will help me to continue to be as selfless as I can as I strive to help them grow into beautiful, godly, independent, emotionally stable young women.

Shower

One of my dear friends has decided to throw a "baby" shower for me! I have to admit that I was hoping someone would, and I said the tiniest prayer that God would let that happen. Less than an hour later, my friend emailed me to say she would like to throw one. Praise God for the big and small things!

Cindy asked me when we would get to see the girls again. I don't know the answer to that yet. We were told that we could see them but we can't tell them yet about the adoption. I don't really know if I'll be able to do that, so we may wait until we get the go-ahead. I just don't know. I really want to see them again and the kids really want to meet them. They live about an hour away, so we can't just drop by now and then, we have to plan it out. We also have to coordinate it with the foster mom and somehow not let the secret slip to the girls when we are with them.

I'm very torn. I know that the girls said they would like for us to adopt them. So what if we go see them and they ask me about it? I can't say "no" or "maybe" and I'm not allowed to say "yes". It would tear my heart out to give them an answer that sounds like anything other than yes and then see the disappointment and hurt on their faces. It's a dilemma I haven't figured out yet.

Right now I'm hoping that we will get them before November 13th. Their foster mom is taking a week vacation and will need respite care for all her foster kids for that week. I'd love to do it, but again, the kids live an hour away and I wouldn't be able to transport them to and from their school each day. So Agency Worker is trying to help CPS see what a great idea it would be to get them moved to our home before then.

I'm so excited! Our God is an awesome God.

Matthew 25:40 (The Message)
40Then the King will say, "I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me--you did it to me.'

Beautiful

After sending out an email telling all my family and friends about our good news, I received this poem back from my cousin. It's so beautiful that I'm sharing it here. You might want to have a tissue handy if you are prone to sentiment.

The Chosen Heart

Longing for a child to love,
I'd wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew
A part of me was meant for you.

I think how happy we will be,
Once I adopt you, and you adopt me.

I dream of all the joy you'll bring,
Imagining even the littlest things.
The way it will feel to hold you tight,
And tuck you in every night.

The drawing on the refrigerator door,
And childhood toys across the floor.
The favorite stories read again and again,
And hours of games with make-believe friends.

The day you took my outstretched hand,
A journey ended, but our lives began.
Still mesmerized by your sweet face,
Still warmed inside by our first embrace.

I promised to give you a happy home,
And a loving family all your own.
A house you've now made complete,
With laughter, smiles, and tiny feet.

A parent is one who guides the way,
Know I will be there everyday.
Rest easy as each night you sleep,
A lifetime of love is yours to keep.

Longing for a child to love,
I'd wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew,
A part of me belonged to you.

©1997 Teri Harrison

Blessings

I never ever post on the weekend. I don't even get on the computer much on the weekend. I spend my whole week on the computer and I don't care to even touch it on the weekend. But because I was so excited and because I just had to share it with you guys, I got on Friday night and blogged. And I was blessed to read Tamara's comment....

"......I can't believe this - I normally don't check the blogs on the weekend because I'm not working - but GOD told me to check in. WOWZERS! ......"

So now I know why I blogged. Thanks so much to everyone for their supportive comments.

I didn't get to tell the kids the good news until Saturday evening. I wanted to sit them both down and tell them at the same time, in person. Daughter had a friend over Friday night and then we had to leave early Saturday morning for an all day seminar.

When I told them, Daughter got tears in her eyes, and went to get her bible. I was concerned about how Son would react, but I needn't have bothered worrying. He said that he would ask the bus driver to let the girls sit on the front row of the bus to protect them from any would-be bullying, and that he would sit with them the first few days to be sure they were okay. I told him that was very sweet and sounded big-brotherly. Then I told him it was okay if he didn't feel brotherly yet and just was being a nice friend. He told me that he already felt like a brother to them. It was so sweet and I was so relieved.

Daughter told me that it's becoming real to her now and she's scared. She said it was just a dream before. I asked her if she regretted it and she told me "no, not at all!" It's just fear of the unknown and the reality of the girls coming to live with us. I explained to both of the kids that even though it will be difficult for all of us to get used to having the girls in our home, it will be so much more difficult for the girls and we need to be patient with them.

I talked to Agency Worker today and she was able to contact the adoption liaison. We are getting the wheels rolling! The liaison wouldn't make any promises for WHEN we could get the girls at this point, but Agency Worker is working toward Thanksgiving and SO AM I!

I'm so excited and looking forward to seeing the girls again.

We Got Them! We Got Them! WE GOT THEM!!

We got the call today. Agency Worker called. I'm still in shock.

How could this be? We were told that there would be a formal staffing for the girls. It wasn’t even scheduled yet. I know that CPS is focusing on finishing “in progress” adoptions in November. They aren’t even thinking about the girls right now. Or so we thought.

Agency Worker called me around 3pm and told me that the CPS worker had just called her and told her that she had been meaning to call and let her know that they had selected us to be the family for the girls. Agency Worker submitted our home study a couple of weeks ago and CPS looked it over and decided that they needed to look no further! They will not be having a formal staffing! They will not be soliciting other families! I don’t understand it, I don’t know how this happened, but it did. I can only believe that God had a hand in it. Why else would it happen this way?

The CPS worker (D) told Agency Worker that we could start visitation with the girls, but not overnight visits. It’s so crazy. I was crying and laughing and speechless. Agency Worker also told me that Foster Mom told her that both girls had stated that they would like for DH & me to adopt them! Foster Mom swears that she never mentioned to them that we were interested and that they came up with it on their own. If that is true, what a blessing! Half the battle is done already if the girls are hoping that we will adopt them. I truly think this is a “match made in heaven”. What else could it be, when it turns out like this?

I wasn’t even expecting a call. I wasn’t anxious. I was sitting back waiting, because I knew their staffing wasn’t even on the schedule and wouldn’t be for a while. This came out of nowhere.

Now I want to know, WHEN, WHEN?? Of course, they don’t know. Their bio-mom surfaced and wants her good-bye visit, and they are trying to get that done before the end of the month. They still have to release the girls’ complete records to us and we have to give our final decision, plus various and sundry other paper work. Agency Worker said if everyone really “gets on the stick” we might have them by Thanksgiving. Forgive me for hoping it’s sooner than that! Either way, I’m sure we’ll see them before then. Agency Worker said they don’t want us to tell the girls yet that we are adopting them, just in case we change our minds. I can’t imagine anything at this point that would change our minds, but I’ll comply with their request.

I GOT MY GIRLS!!!! Thank you Sweet Jesus. What a glorious and wonderful blessing.

For I know the plans I have for you sayeth the Lord…..

My little Girl1 singing “God has a plan for my life….”

My heart is about to burst.

Ain't No Pleasin' Me...

Hip Hip Hooray! We finally received our license in the mail.

However...

When we did our home study, I asked Agency Worker to license us for the full range of ages and up to four adopted children so that we wouldn't be limited if something came along that was a little outside of our preferred situation. But instead we were licensed for two children ages 4-9.

So I called Agency Worker this morning, and asked about it, and she had forgotten my original request and just licensed us according to our preferences. That's probably okay, but what if there's a three year old or a ten year old out there meant for our family? I just don't want to be limited.

Agency Worker said she would change the limits for us. I requested that she change it to four children ages 0-11. Just in case.

Otherwise, no news. We did enjoy a nice vacation day with our kids yesterday. They had the day off from school so DH & I both took the day off and went to Waffle House and Putt Putt. Then we went home and had soy ice cream on the back porch and played board games and dominoes for the rest of the evening.

Submitted Again

After my talk with Agency Worker yesterday, she sent me a referral she got from another agency. It is for a 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. They are really cute kids. They fit what we were originally looking for very well.

After looking through the information we decided that we would like to be submitted for them.

I have mixed feelings. I would love to have a boy and a girl. When we were originally asked about the girls, I did have reservations that we wouldn't be getting a boy AND a girl. However, we felt that if God wanted us to have two girls, we would have faith that He knows what is best for us.

So now we've been submitted on two sets of kids. I've been praying that God would protect my heart and not allow me to be too focused on one set. I don't want to hope for one set or the other. In fact, we may be submitted on many more kids before we find the ones God wants for us. Waiting is hard, but this feels like progress, so I'm actually feeling good about the whole thing and in pretty good spirits. My kids are out there, and I think we'll have them pretty soon!

Information

Agency Worker called me back today. I had two things I wanted to discuss with her.

1) How likely is it that we will get the girls? Do we need to be considering other children also? Agency Worker says that she thinks we have a great chance of getting the girls because she has been mentioning us for a while and we are a "strong family". However, she also understood that it isn't a good idea to put "all your eggs in one basket" in case we don't get them. So she is going to be sending me any and all referrals she gets that fit our preferences, and we can choose to be submitted on them if we want to.

2) Will we get any reimbursement for the girls since they are an adoptive placement? Agency Worker thought at first that we would get the full foster amount, but I told her that I had read that when you took children as adoptive placements you weren't reimbursed. So she checked on it and called me back. It turns out that I was right, sort of. We will not be eligible for the foster care reimbursement, but we will be eligible for the adoption subsidy if the girls qualify for it. She feels strongly that they will qualify for it with their particular needs.

So I'm feeling better today. I have more information, and I'll be getting to consider other children while I wait to see if we're chosen for the girls. Agency Worker said she was sending our information to CPS today. She also requested a photo album from us that she said really helps during a staffing.

So my next task is to make a photo album. The problem is that I can't do it on the week nights because we are so busy, and on the next three Saturdays we have plans, and Sundays are entirely too busy right now. Pray that I'll find some extra TIME hidden somewhere to get a photo album put together quickly.

Plans

I put a call in to Agency Worker. She hasn't called me back yet.

Here's what I'm thinking. I've had my hopes pinned on these two girls since June, but there is no guarantee I'll get them. So if I don't pursue other children, I could end up at New Year's with nothing to show for the whole entire year of trying. I think the girls would be a good addition to our family, but I haven't met the other kids out there. I'm sure I'd like them just as much. I just love children in general. I'm very motherly and nurturing.

I almost wish I hadn't heard about the girls so long ago. I wish that I didn't care which children I get. I wish that I was just hearing about them today, along with other available kids. My heart is too wrapped up in this. Even as I contemplate pursuing other children, I worry that I'll get them and miss out on the girls.

My mother said she thought it had made it worse that I met them. At the time I disagreed, but now I think she is right. I can see their faces in my mind. I have heard their voices, seen them smile and dance and play. How can I not be attached?

This is so hard.

Training

So we finished our final training class on Saturday, and it was fun! We learned the CPI technique. You can visit their website here. The point is to restrain your attacker without injuring them.

There were twelve of us in the class. We practiced all the moves on each other in slow motion. The instructor made us pair up with different people for each exercise, so we got to know each other pretty well.

I know it wouldn't be fun at all to be in a situation where you actually had to use the techniques, but it was the most fun I've had at training. The time passed quickly. There was a test at the end, and that was really the worst part. There was no multiple choice and it was closed book and closed neighbor.

So now we get submitted and we wait to see what God will do.