Plans

I put a call in to Agency Worker. She hasn't called me back yet.

Here's what I'm thinking. I've had my hopes pinned on these two girls since June, but there is no guarantee I'll get them. So if I don't pursue other children, I could end up at New Year's with nothing to show for the whole entire year of trying. I think the girls would be a good addition to our family, but I haven't met the other kids out there. I'm sure I'd like them just as much. I just love children in general. I'm very motherly and nurturing.

I almost wish I hadn't heard about the girls so long ago. I wish that I didn't care which children I get. I wish that I was just hearing about them today, along with other available kids. My heart is too wrapped up in this. Even as I contemplate pursuing other children, I worry that I'll get them and miss out on the girls.

My mother said she thought it had made it worse that I met them. At the time I disagreed, but now I think she is right. I can see their faces in my mind. I have heard their voices, seen them smile and dance and play. How can I not be attached?

This is so hard.