October Update

Due to circumstances beyond my control, homeschool didn't happen. I still believe it would be best for Blondie, but for now I can't do it.

She is in fourth grade and doing okay, other than her behavior problems. She still misbehaves whenever I'm not around. Instant consequences are the only kind that work for her, and typically school consequences are put off until later.

Bubbles has improved a lot. She tells the truth more often than she lies, and she is really trying to please us. She is more like a regular kid now with regular kid problems.

Blondie is a daily battle, but she does it with a smile! I can't complain about either of their attitudes. Blondie is sneaky and lies and disobeys, but she's always happy. Or at least she pretends to be. We haven't had as much success with her, but she is older and has been through more trauma. I still hope that we will eventually get through to her, and I believe we will. It has been encouraging to see the changes in Bubbles, and it gives me hope that Blondie will eventually come around too, it will just take longer.

For now my biggest struggle is in coming up with creative ways to give her consequences that fit her crimes. Yesterday I bought her a see-through backpack because of her sneaking things to school. It backfired on me a little bit because she thought it was cool and she couldn't wait to put her stuff in it, even though I bought the ugliest color they had. I told her that she had to carry it for a week and then she could have back her pretty pink one.

More later.

No Words for This

It's a four minute video that's quite moving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Homeschool Decision

After praying and talking to my husband, and various others, I have decided to homeschool Blondie. Most of the response I have gotten from others has been negative. They tell me that it will tie me down and I will lose my freedom. That is true. It's quite possible that I won't be able to attend BSF unless I switch to evenings instead of mornings. My husband really doesn't want me to go in the evenings and disrupt my time with him. But I decided that Blondie is more important than BSF, and I will give it up if I need to. BSF will still be there when I finish homeschooling her. When I prayed about it, after struggling with it for days on my own, I felt a great peace that this was the right thing to do.

I don't know how long it will be. It might be just for one year, or it might be the rest of her school career. I really don't know.

I found out from her teacher that she will be passing third grade. There was a question about it for a while. She has already repeated first grade, and if she were to fail again, she would be in the same grade as her sister who is two years younger. I couldn't let that happen, and so I was definitely going to homeschool in that case. But since she is passing, I have a choice.

Most people thought that I wouldn't homeschool now since I don't HAVE to. But there's more to it than that for me. The child is so emotionally messed up, to the point she almost doesn't have emotions. She's all happy, all the time. I'm sure that's what she thinks she has to do. I can see that Bubbles has more emotional reactions than Blondie. Bubbles is more attached than Blondie.

Blondie has a lower IQ. I think that she will be able to function normally in society, but it would be easy for not-nice people to take advantage of her. I think that she will learn more from me, one-on-one, than just barely scraping by with a busy teacher in the classroom.

She wasn't nurtured and cherished as a baby. Then Bubbles was born less than two years later, and I believe Blondie was pushed aside in favor of the baby. Blondie tries to be just like Bubbles. We have worked on it and it has improved, but she still thinks Bubbles is better than her and that she will get more attention and love if she copies Bubbles. I have also noticed that she is insecure around Bubbles. When we are working together on her homework, she will be doing okay, but if Bubbles comes to sit down and listen, suddenly Blondie can't focus or remember anything. And that is with Bubbles just sitting quietly and not even distracting her.

I feel like Blondie needs this year at home with me, just to be loved and cherished and have Mom all to herself all day. I hope that this will build her confidence in herself and allow her to feel important, and learn to give and receive love. I'm really choosing to do this more for that reason than for the education part of it, but I believe that it's worth it for that end of it too.

Those of you who are praying people, please pray for me that I will be able to be organized and keep up the pace, because this is a new endeavor for me. I went to Mardel and bought several workbooks to help me get going. I got math, spelling, language arts, phonics, reading, handwriting, social studies and science. I also plan to teach her piano, sewing, cooking and bible stories.

I really think it will be good for both of us. The next hurdle will be to notify the school that she won't be attending next year, though I'm not exactly sure how to do that.

Mama & The Birthday

When Bubbles and Blondie moved in they immediately began calling us Mommy & Daddy. Being that they were already 8 & 6, we didn't know how they would feel about that, but it didn't seem to bother them a bit. My older kids call me Mom, Mama, Mommy and sometimes Bucky even calls me Mompo. He's 13, and he makes up cute names, like he calls my mom Grammy-Cakes. Too cute.

Anyway, Bubbles has started calling me Mama, quite regularly now for the past few days. I really like it. It's more personal and feels more affectionate. It warms my heart when I hear it.

Today I'm letting Blondie stay home from school to celebrate her birthday. I did the same thing on Babygirl's and Bubbles' last birthdays. We go out to eat and shopping and whatever strikes us as fun.

Gotta go get ready!

Fighting

Bubbles came home Tuesday with a discipline referral from the principal's office for fighting. It said that she spit on and bit another student. Holy Cow! Not what I wanted to hear, and quite unexpected.

I asked her what happened. She told me that she was hanging upside down on the monkey bars and her shirt came up so she got down and fixed her shirt. But one of her friends came over and pulled her shirt back up, so she retaliated and pulled up the other girls shirt, and I guess they got into a scuffle and Bubbles spit on her and bit her.

We had a talk about what she should have done versus what she actually did, which I guess they had already done at school. Then I talked to her about how she might lose her friend if she treats her that way, and that if she continues that kind of behavior into adulthood, she might end up in jail. It's not ever okay to put your hands on someone else in a harmful manner.

I told her that I love her and that I have to discipline her in order to make her change, and she needed to understand how bad it is to harm another person. So she got four nights of going to bed early. I wasn't entirely satisfied with the punishment, but I couldn't think of what was a logical consequence for fighting. I guess going to bed early for four nights is a bit like jail (okay, maybe not) but maybe it will give her some time to really think about what she did.

Warning: Gross Post Ahead

So to update over the past week:

Blondie tried to sneak a pair of sunglasses to school in her backpack. She was told after the ball on the bus incident that she couldn't take anything else to school with her this year. These were toy sunglasses by the way, and it was impossible to see through them and provided no eye protection. So anyway, I found them in her backpack. I asked her if there was anything in her backpack that shouldn't be there and she said no. So I asked her again if she was trying to sneak anything to school in her backpack and suddenly she says that she didn't put them in there, it's just that she threw them into the backpack area and they fell in there, but at this point I hadn't even mentioned the sunglasses. Yeah, okay.

And Bubbles came home one day with a note in her folder from her teacher, but also with a star next to it. Before she even showed it to me, she told me that it was so funny, that her teacher started writing a bad note in her folder until she realized it was Bubbles's folder, and then she put a star on it. But the note from the teacher wasn't scratched out, and there was no indication that the note was there by accident. So after some questioning, she admitted that the note was about her. She's quite devious.

Okay, here comes the gross part: Yesterday Boaz found a large gooey booger on the arm of the couch. Only Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles were in the room at the time of the incident. Boaz found it and went into full interrogation mode. No one wanted to claim it. I interjected that the cat had been lying there all day, and maybe it was possible it came from the cat. Boaz said he didn't think anything like that could come out of a cat. I didn't inspect the offending body excretion myself, so I can't say, but I was hoping that none of my kids would actually do that. The interrogation lasted for some time, and Bubbles eventually confessed that she leaned over the arm of the couch to throw something in the trash, and it "fell" out of her nose. At some point I lost it and started laughing, but I was trying so hard not to let it show. It was so gross but so funny for that very reason, and just the questioning "did you feel the booger come out of your nose" and "show me exactly what you were doing when the booger came out". It was unreal. I'm laughing right now just thinking of it.

Anyway...a day in the life of our family.

Some Hope

Last night I saw a glimmer of hope. Or maybe it was a great big ray. Anyway, I found out that last Friday, Blondie got her ball taken up on the bus by the bus driver because it was rolling around on the floor of the bus. No one is allowed to have any toys out of their backpacks while they are on the bus, and my kids know that I expect them to follow the bus rules. In fact, if you have too many citations, you can get kicked off the bus completely. Anyway, she didn't tell us about it, but on Monday she asked for her ball back and one of her siblings heard her and told me. I didn't mention it until after Boaz got home, because I wanted her to do her homework and chores and help with dinner and not be upset.

We talked to her after dinner. We went in our room for privacy and Boaz asked her if she had done anything today at school or on the bus that we needed to know about. She said no. Then he asked her if there was anything from last week, and she told us about the ball incident. Boaz asked her why she didn't tell us and she said because she thought she would get in "big trouble". He asked her if she was trying to hide it or if she just forgot. She said she was trying to hide it.

Then Boaz asked what she thought would be the appropriate punishment, and she said she shouldn't get to go to her activity time on Wednesday night because she loves it so much. This was said with tears streaming down her face.

I was really impressed with her last night, because it is so different from how she used to be. First of all, she wouldn't have admitted anything happened on the bus, and would have called everyone else a liar, and it would have taken 15 minutes just to get her to admit what happened. She also would have taken the bait and said she "just forgot" to tell us when Boaz asked her that. She also would have said "I don't know" when asked what she thought her punishment would be.

I told her that she would not be allowed to take any more toys to school for the rest of the school year, which is what her punishment would have been if she had told me what happened in the first place. But since she tried to hide it, she also had to go to bed early one night. I told her that because she told the truth about everything, and was even brave enough to say that she should miss Wednesday night, that she could go to bed early on Tuesday night instead. She thanked me and we hugged and I told her that I was very proud of the progress she has made and that I can really see a difference in her. And it was true.

I hope it continues.

Has anyone ever played farkel? We played the last couple of nights and had a lot of fun. It's good for a big group with some smaller kids mixed in because the rules are pretty simple. You need six dice and the rules can be found online. We also like to play Crazy Eights and Old Maid.

Response

I had a comment that said, "I would suggest giving some positive reinforcement as well - snuggling, and "I love you even if I can't trust you.""

Oh, we do that. They get hugs and kisses throughout the day, and when they get in trouble we always tell them that we still love them no matter what they do, and that we always will, and that there's nothing they could do to change that. They are very comfortable coming to me for affection and saying "I love you."

I can see why someone might think I don't do that, because I don't talk about it. I tend to talk about the things I'm struggling with, and affection and positive reinforcement aren't a problem. I tell them how proud I am of them for how far they have come and how much they have changed. I readily brag on them when I see good behavior. It's not a problem so I don't mention it here, but I probably should.

Does that make sense?

Over the last week, Bubbles memorized Psalm 1 and has been telling it to everyone who will listen. It's really sweet.

The girls were in a special Mother's Day program at church today, and they did a great job. Blondie was on the drama team and both she and Bubbles were on the sign language team and signed to the song "Word of God Speak" by Mercy Me. It was precious and I took pictures. See below.

They are the two in the middle.

Ups, Downs and a Bad Cat

Blondie has been doing better the last couple of days. Bubbles has stayed out of trouble too, so we've had a nice, quiet break. But yesterday, Bucky decided to try his hand at disobedience. I was shocked and disappointed. He's now grounded from the phone and his video games for a week. He's usually such a good kid, so I think it's an aberration and hopefully he'll straighten back up. We had a talk with him about trust, and how if we can't trust him with the small things, we won't be able to trust him with the bigger things either. That boy can really pour on the charm after he gets in trouble. He was sweetness itself for the rest of the evening.

Our cat Joey really shouldn't reside in the house. He gets into everything. He opens doors, because we have the lever type. About two weeks ago, he got into the pantry and chewed into a Juicy Juice and spilled it all over the floor, and chewed through the bottom of a brand new bag of catfood and had a nice meal. Until we found him. He also tries to go outside. We have to lock the back door or he lets himself out, and he never closes the door behind himself. So then we have a missing cat or two and we're air conditioning the neighborhood. Fortunately they've never gotten farther than the inside of the garage before we find them, and usually they are crouched down and scared to death. If they are so scared, why do they go out there? Cats.

He also likes to swipe food and dishes off the table. This morning, with three people sitting and eating breakfast, he swiped at Bucky's bowl and managed to spill part of it on the floor. We usually push all the plates toward the middle of the table so he won't know they are up there but I guess we left one too close to the edge.

By the way he acts you'd think we don't feed him, but the fact is he's a bit overweight. I have to measure out his food or he'll get huge. He bullies both the other cats and tries to eat their food too. I know that cat belongs outside, and he knows he belongs outside. But Babygirl doesn't. If it wasn't for her, I'm sure he'd be out there by now.

We're going to change some of the door handles back to round ones. We tried adding some baby locks from Babies R Us, and they work but they are a pain. It's crazy the things we're having to do because of that cat.

She Just Won't Stop Lying

Blondie got a stern talk and sent to bed early - even earlier than we had planned at first. We talked to her about the stealing, and Boaz thought she should miss out on all the Friday night fun, so she had a bowl of oatmeal and went to bed while the rest of us had a pancake supper followed by popcorn and movies.

You would think that she would wake up smart this morning with her tail between her legs, ready to obey and get out of trouble, right? No such thing. Boaz told her to stay in bed this morning until we called her downstairs. I came out of my room to find her on the stairs. I asked her why, and she said she heard me open the door and was coming down to see if we were up. Mind you, I had only taken four steps out of my bedroom to look up the stairs, and she sleeps in a top bunk. I said, "So you were able to get out of your top bunk, go across your room and get halfway down the stairs in the time it took me to take four steps?" and she said "YES". Huge sigh here. I told her to get back in bed and wait for one of us to come talk to her.

So I left to take Babygirl to take her SAT, and Boaz went to talk to Blondie. He asked her about getting out of bed before he told her she could and about lying to me. She told him she hadn't lied to me, even though Bubbles confirmed that Blondie was out of bed before I opened my door - all in front of Blondie. So even when she is caught and everyone knows it, she STILL tries to lie. How do you get through to a kid who will argue with you that the sky is orange?

Anyway, we're off to such a fun start today.

I'm taking Bubbles to the library to check out a book on weather. Boaz loves storms and so now Bubbles does too. When we get back, I'm taking Bucky to get a haircut, a new game for his handheld and some new shirts. He's been a great help around the house lately since Babygirl has been too busy with all her advanced schoolwork.

Stinky

Blondie is the toughest nut to crack and I know it is because she has endured more. However there was a good sign the other day - she came home and asked if she could talk to me because she had been thinking about THEM. She refers to them by their first names. She almost never mentions them, and when she does it is just about some activity she participated in with bio-dad. Anyway, she told me about something bad they had done in front of her. I already knew this information, but I don't think she knew that I knew. Anyway, I assured her that we would never subject her to that, and she was safe here. I told her that if she has bad thoughts she should remember that nothing like that has ever happened here so she knows it won't. Then try to think about good things. I was very encouraged that she asked to talk to me about it.

Then she lies, disobeys, lies some more and steals something, and I'm discouraged again. She's going to bed an hour early tonight, 30 minutes early tomorrow night, and I'm not sure what to do about the stealing. I haven't even told Boaz yet because I only found out this morning.

Bubbles and Blondie both had an opportunity to lie to me last night, but Bubbles told the truth. Blondie lied. I made a point to talk about it with each of them, and talk about their consequences of making good and bad decisions. I showed Bubbles how by telling the truth she didn't receive a punishment and how Blondie lied and has to go to bed early Saturday night. I discussed the very same things with Blondie. I'm trying so hard to help them connect their consequences with their actions, so that maybe they'll begin to think before they act. Sometimes I think that Bubbles has an easier time and is making more progress, but then she'll turn around and do something so devious I'm just amazed.

On a different subject, Bubbles has body odor. This began when she was 7. As Boaz puts it, "she smells like an old man." He's right. Ugh. I mentioned it to the nurse at Blondie's doctor's office and she suggested that I take her to see her pediatrician. I haven't made an appointment yet. It concerns me, but it also could be that she is just hitting puberty a bit early. I don't know. It just kills me that I might have two with endocrine problems. I feel angry with their bio-mom.

Anyway, my 8 year old is now using deodorant.

Family Update

Boaz is doing well. His job is going well and he is in a training class for two weeks. He's actually on a normal schedule and it's nice to see him in the mornings and have him stay up until 9 or 10 pm with us.

Babygirl is working hard in school. She has many advanced classes, and is preparing to be a senior next year. She isn't ready for it and neither am I. She's too young to be grown up. I'm not ready. Oh wait, I just said that.

I'm very proud of Bucky. He is growing into a fun and responsible young man. He's made some choices that I am very proud of.

Blondie seems to be doing better in school. We'll find out this week when we get her report card. I haven't had any recent calls or notes from her teachers so I'm assuming she's behaving herself. She's still on growth hormone shots and has grown nearly five inches in a year. She still hasn't caught up with Bubbles but she's getting close. I think it would be wonderful if she actually got taller than Bubbles. It would do wonders for her self esteem. She gets picked on a lot for being so small.

It's hard to know how Bubbles is doing. I know that she really wants to be part of our family, but she's stil faking and doing what she thinks she is supposed to do, rather than just being herself. Maybe I'm guilty of that too. Maybe I'm being who I think I should be with her, rather than showing my true feelings. She's deceptive and sneaky, and that makes it hard for me to feel close to her.

I keep hoping they will open up to me, but so far no luck. Meanwhile, time marches on. I'm still working for the church doing the website and going to BSF on Wednesdays. The rest of the time I take kids to doctor's appointments and help kids with their homework and take people to music lessons. Bucky joined the middle school youth band at church and enjoys it.

I've tried and tried with the girls, and I feel defeated. I've been asking God to heal the broken places in them, because I'm at a loss. I've come up against a problem I can't solve. I know there is a lesson in this for me. I just pray that the girls will eventually learn what we are trying so hard to teach them, about love and honesty and treating others the way you'd like to be treated.

I'm heartsick over it at times, and numb at others.

I'll try to update more often.

Stealing Food and Failing School

We've been under a bit of stress lately, as you might have a hint of from the title of this entry.

Last Monday, I received calls from both Bubbles' and Blondie's teachers. Let's start with Bubbles. Her teacher called to say that a boy's snack had disappeared from his cubbie hole out in the hall. Everyone in the class knew that he was looking for it. Then when snack time came, my little Bubbles pulled his snack out of her bag and began to eat it. When she was asked about it, she said, "oh, you said you were looking for a donut and this is a sausage roll" which was true, but nevertheless, she knew who she had taken it from and that he was looking for it. When her teacher asked her where she got it, she said she found it on the floor. Her teacher proceeded to tell her that we don't eat food that we found on the floor, and took it away and threw it in the trash. Then she sent her to talk to the counselor, and she insisted to the counselor that she found it on the floor. When the counselor told her teacher, the teacher rightly informed the counselor that the snack had not been on the floor, and Bubbles finally admitted that she took it from his cubby. I was a bit shocked by all this, because there hasn't been any food stealing at home. I assumed that it was a one time thing, and that maybe the embarrassment of it would cause her not to do it again, and that we would treat it as such for the time being. However, when confronted that evening, Bubbles admitted not only that she had stolen the snack, but that she had been stealing snacks from her friends all year long. Most people instantly think at this point, maybe I'm not sending her enough food. But she herself has asked me to send her less food because she can't eat it all. Now her teacher doesn't trust her and won't let her go out in the hall by herself anymore since that is where the cubbies are.

Sigh.

The second call was from Blondie's teacher. Blondie's last two report cards have dropped significantly, and she failed the reading portion of her state mandated test. She hasn't taken the math portion yet, but I will be pleasantly surprised if she passes it. Her teacher reported that Blondie isn't minding her, and is talking all the time. She had not been bringing me the notes that her teacher was sending home so she finally had to call. Her teacher put her at a table all by herself to try to curtail all the talking, and took away her recess for a week for not bringing me the notes. Her teacher also told me that Blondie doesn't do her homework. I asked if that meant she wasn't doing her work at school, or not bringing back her work from home, because she never has any homework. Ding ding ding!! Okay, she has homework almost every night, but wasn't bringing it home so I didn't know. We've also noticed that her retention is almost nil. We've worked and worked and worked with her on her multiplication facts, and each time she finally gets it, but if she leaves it and comes back it is gone, just like she's never seen it before. We've worked with her for weeks, and now we are finally seeing some progress, but I'm convinced that she can't learn at the same pace as the other students. I really wanted to keep her mainstreamed if possible, but now the teachers are doing all but telling me that she's going to fail third grade. I don't think that will help anything. So when I was talking with her teacher, I asked that she be tested to see if she qualifies for any services. I haven't heard anything yet, but it's only been a week. I'm considering homeschooling her...but I don't know yet.

Their behavior at home continues to be consistently good, except for lying every time they get in trouble. Otherwise they obey and play pretty nicely, as long as we are around. Our issues with them still revolve mainly around when we are not there, such as church, school, grandma's house, etc. We took an anniversary weekend and left all four kids with Grandpa, and Blondie drove him crazy, and wouldn't do anything he asked. When we got them back, he told me he didn't understand how we did it. I told him that if he provides no consequences, they will not mind. It's just how they are. They know that we will send them to bed early or put them in time out so they mind us.

Sometimes I get really frustrated, and my husband reminds me that we can't control their behavior. We can only teach them and provide consequences, and the rest is up to them. We can't be with them every minute, and we can't get in their heads and change their minds about things.

They are hard to love sometimes, and sometimes they are sweet and cuddly and easy to love. This is no easy road we have chosen.

Finally, Some Progress

Things are changing around here. Bubbles in particular has been showing signs of real attachment. A year ago, she would exclaim that she loved me and want hugs and kisses, but there was no feeling behind it. It was more that she loved the mommy placeholder, and anyone in that place would receive the expected love actions. But now, I can feel a difference. She snuggles more and hugs longer and genuinely wants to sit by me. She follows me all over the house. She hurt her knee a couple of nights ago (while making an attempt to go where I was), then bravely held off crying until I got to her, when she let loose and bawled. It's just starting to feel so REAL. I don't feel like such a fake mommy anymore.

Blondie is trying too. It's harder for her, because she has more baggage from the past. It's harder for her to trust that I'm not leaving, ever. It's harder for her to emotionally connect with me because her birth mom had the first six years with her, and is most likely still the mommy of her heart. I can tell that Blondie wants to make a real connection with me, and that is different from before. I think she was just in survival mode before. That means she thinks she HAS to be nice to me so that I will feed her and take care of her and keep her. Obviously that isn't true, but she can't understand that.

I've begun to really appreciate some things about Blondie. She is very sweet and nurturing. I've seen it with animals and small children. She has an especially soft spot for children with special needs. Last night, for the first time, she was even nurturing to ME. I have a virus. I was lying on the couch, suffering with a low fever and just generally feeling terrible. She came over to me and felt my head and said, "Mommy I think you have fever! Can I get you some medicine?" She was genuinely concerned and was smoothing my hair and kissing my forehead. It was beyond sweet. Bucky got some medicine for me and Blondie brought it and a glass of water and then sat by me and obviously wanted to care for me.

Boaz has said before that our two youngest daughters are like little sponges, just soaking up all the love and attention they can get. It's only recently that I've begun to feel like they are trying to give back, and not just to make sure we'll keep them, but because they really care. I've been working hard to give them lots of praise lately, and they seem to be flowering from it.

On a side note, we are trying something new with their eating issues. Since day one, I've been trying to teach the girls what appropriate portion sizes are, just assuming that over time they will learn by example. But after a year, they are still gorging and begging for food when we aren't around. So based on some advice from someone who has worked with kids like mine for many years, we're taking a new tack. When we sit down to eat dinner, we will let them eat as much as they want. Gee, that sounds so normal. But with my girls, at least in the beginning, they would literally eat until they were in physical pain, to the point of tears. I felt like a terrible mother for allowing them to do that. I wanted to teach them good eating habits. But the theory is that I have to allow them to do this often enough that they will decide on their own not to overeat. I'm supposed to allow them to eat until they puke if that's what it takes.

Bubbles hasn't taken us up on it. I think the year of eating right-sized portions has actually had an effect on her. But since she was only four when she left her birth home, she probably didn't experience starvation to the same degree that Blondie did. Blondie has been eager to overeat and I've been letting her do it. It really bothers me and makes me feel like a bad mom. But I'm willing to give this a shot since a year of eating right hasn't cured her yet.

One Year Later

Blondie and Bubbles came to live with us on November 11, 2005.

It's been a heck of a year.

We're still having a lot of ups and downs, with bad outweighing good. I haven't lost hope, not at all, but it's just tough when you're going through it.

Boaz and I are a good team. We support each other and are able to take over when one of us has had it up to here ^. We still fall into the trap of trying to find the magic pill that will make the behavior issues go away. Then again we realize that it's just going to take time, and us being consistent with our discipline. The things that worked on our birth kids don't work on our adopted kids. Our birth kids got their needs met. Our birth kids had the right inputs at the right developmental stages. Our birth kids think before they act, because they know there are consequences to their actions.

Our adopted kids don't think. Even when they know they are doing something wrong, they just don't think they will get caught. It's always worth the risk. They have no conscience whatsoever. They don't care if what they do hurts someone else. It's hard to teach that to someone.

People always exclaim over how happy and well adjusted the girls seem. But they have "acted" that way since day one. They don't ever open up and express their real feelings. Who knows what's going on in there?

My biggest fears are about the choices they will make in the future. How can I best prepare them? I tell them the same things I told my older kids, but it doesn't have the same effect. I think the only thing that will get through is years of consistency. But I'm so impatient. I want to see results. I'm a problem solver by nature, and I have a problem here I can't solve. I have to accept that the only thing I can do is love them and teach them and be here for them, and then let them go. But it's so hard. If they end up pregnant at 12 years old, I'll feel like it's my fault. If they end up strung out on drugs when they are teens, I'll feel like it's my fault. If they wind up in prison as adults, I'll always be wondering if there is anything else I could have done.

I know, I need to give it to God. I'm trying. I just want what's best for my little girls.

On another track, we're going out tomorrow to celebrate. We're having breakfast at a restaurant, and then heading to a museum, then we're going to the craft store to let each child pick an ornament to hang on the Christmas tree, then we are attending a cousin's birthday party. Tomorrow night Boaz and I are going to a wedding and Babygirl will be babysitting across the street. The three youngest kids will be spending the evening with Papa. The girls have been talking about the "one-year party" for weeks, since that is what we have labeled it. It isn't really a party in the usual sense, but for us it is, as we will be spending all day running around having fun.

Cinderella Cuts Loose

At the Family Fun Fest Sunday night:

A Good Weekend

Bucky had a great birthday. He said it was his best one ever. On Thursday night we surprised him with an electric guitar. He thought we were headed to dinner and then his guitar lesson, so we told him to go put the acoustic guitar in the trunk. We had already loaded the box with his electric guitar in the trunk so when he opened the trunk he just jumped back and then just kind of wandered back and forth looking in the trunk. It was so cute.

Then we took him out to dinner. Since Babygirl and Blondie were sick, they stayed home together while the rest of us went out for mexican food. At the restaurant, Boaz told the waiter that it was Bucky's birthday, which resulted in him flapping some takeout boxes and holding a little cone over his nose like a chicken. It was very funny and I got it on my digital camera.

Then Boaz and Bubbles went home and I took Bucky to his music lesson. Since Babygirl wasn't there, Bucky got the whole hour to himself and they dug into all the new stuff and his teacher had time to go over how to use the guitar and the amplifier and get him started on power chords. When we got home he kept playing it until I made him go to bed, and then when I got up the next morning he was waiting on the couch so he could start playing as soon as I got up. This is the same kid that I have trouble getting up each morning! He had already showered and was just quietly waiting to play his new guitar. Ha.

Friday night seven of his friends, three grandparents and two cousins came for his party. I made him a Ginger Macadamia Coconut Carrot cake with spelt flour from a vegan cookbook, the Vegan With a Vengence. It was great. Everything I've made from that cookbook is good. The boys played with their airsoft guns outside for most of the evening, and then I locked them in the house at 11:30pm and turned on the alarm. At 7am they were wanting out, so I turned off the alarm and headed into the kitchen to make some Macadamia Caramel Cinnamon rolls. Those were a hit too, I just didn't make enough of them.

All of the boys were gone by 10:30am and we made Bucky go to bed. He insisted that he wasn't tired and wouldn't be able to sleep and he didn't want to go to bed, until Boaz threatened to paddle him and he grumpily obeyed. Thirty minutes later when I checked on him he was sound asleep and he didn't get up until around 3pm.

My FIL came over in the afternoon and helped us plant pansies around the front porch. Boaz brought dirt from the garden with his tractor, and FIL, Blondie, Bubbles and I raked dirt and spaced out the plants. After the plants were in the ground and mulched, I headed into the garage and dusted off a box of solar lights that I bought a couple of years ago. Blondie offered to help and so together we assembled and placed the lights around the porch too. It looks pretty cute. It still doesn't compare with most of the manicured, paid-gardener pampered yards in our neighborhood, but it's much improved.

That night we went to the annual neighborhood Halloween party. There was a hayride and potluck dinner and it was fun. Babygirl was still sick and had to miss out. The ride was too long and a bit cold, but we still had a pretty good time. Believe it or not, we don't know most of the people in our neighborhood. You'd think it'd be different in a gated neighborhood, but we only get together once a year, and different people come different years.

On Sunday after church Bucky wanted to spend some of his birthday money on Nintendo DS games, so he and I went off together to Best Buy. When we got home, Bubbles told me in a happy voice that the turtle died and then she ran off to play. This was a painful blow, especially in the way that the news was delivered. Boaz had told her not to tell Babygirl, but didn't realize I would be home so soon, and didn't tell her not to tell me. He wanted to be the one to tell me, because we've had the turtle for ten years and knew it would be somewhat upsetting news. It's hard to get too attached to a water turtle, but they really become a friend over the years in their own way. I think it's mostly just because she's seven that she didn't really get that I would be upset by what she was telling me.

We also found out this weekend that Bubbles is equally guilty in the food begging at school. I noticed that she was starting to get thick around the middle in her clothes so I weighed her, and she has gained five or six pounds since school started. Sigh. Both girls will tell you that they are still hungry and don't have enough food if you ask, yet they are gaining weight at an alarming speed. They have each added ten percent to their body weight. Four and five pounds doesn't seem like a lot, and it isn't for an adult, but it's a lot for a kid, especially when they haven't grown enough to make up for it.

I've found that I have to watch over them and control their portions at every meal. On the few occasions I've let them eat as much as they wanted, they ate until they were in physical pain and nearly crying. They just have no control. People look at me like I'm some kind of monster when I tell the girls they've had enough and can't have any more and they are saying they are still hungry. But all you have to do is look at them to see they aren't underfed. They are healthy and happy, they just have food issues. Whenever they are away from me, they eat everything they can get their hands on. We did great over the summer, and they were even starting to say they were "full" which was a major milestone. But I guess they just can't help themselves when they are surrounded by so much food every day, and with just a bit of bullying and begging they can have it.

I called the school secretary this morning, and for now the plan is this: If the lunchroom attendants see the girls eating anything that isn't theirs, they will have to sit at the "bad" table for a week. I don't know what the correct term for this table is now, but it was called the "silent" table when I was a kid. They will also give me a call when they see this behavior. I hope this will help curb the girls from this constant begging. I know it can't possibly be making them popular with their friends. I wouldn't like somebody who begged for my food every day and I'm sure their friends don't like it either.

The nice thing is that the secretary tried to encourage me by telling me how much the girls have changed over the last year, and how their manners are wonderful and how they just seem to be flourishing under our care. I see that too. They have made so many changes and they have held up so well. Bubbles is witty and loves to laugh and have fun. Blondie is so sweet natured and helpful. She is willing to give away some or all of what she has to anyone who doesn't have one/some. Things are even starting to feel more "normal". I'm not sure how to explain that one, but it feels more natural than it did. Real emotions are starting to grow in place of the plastic feelings we all had in the beginning.

The main problem is with their being disobedient when we aren't there. If we can ever conquer that one, I don't think I'll have anything else to complain about.

Family Clinic?

So now I have two patients. Blondie has a cough and a sore throat so I had to go pick her up at school. Anyone else feeling bad? The couch and the loveseat are taken, but I can make you a pallet on the floor.

Good grief. It looks like the attendance list for Bucky's birthday dinner tonight is rapidly shrinking.

Happy Birthday Little Man

My son turns thirteen today. He's such a great kid. He's sensitive and loving and all boy. He has invited nine kids over for a sleep over tomorrow night. I'm hoping some of them won't come, but you never know. If I end up with ten twelve and thirteen year olds stomping through the house, I may get my gray hair a bit early.

His big surprise today when he gets home is an electric guitar. He has no idea. He's been begging for one for weeks but I've let him know that we can't afford one and that he'll have to save his money. However, I actually found a good deal at the warehouse store that included an amplifier, so I went for it. I made a deal with him long ago that if he took lessons on my acoustic guitar and learned to play it well, I'd buy him an electric one. He's fulfilled his part of the bargain, so now I'm fulfilling mine. He's going to flip when he sees it.

The only bad thing is, Babygirl woke up sick this morning. There's a stomach virus going around all the schools and Bucky just got over it. Babygirl is in a choir concert tonight and has her first real solo that is a whole song, and now it looks like she'll miss it. I had the wonderful experience of cleaning spew off the wall this morning, because she couldn't get the toilet lid up in time. Nice. That wall might need to be repainted.

Too Many Cats

There are two too many cats in my house. The one in the middle is my baby. The one on the right is Babygirl's baby, Joey. He's rotten. He's the one that can open doors, and taught Gabriel how to do it too (my baby).

We recently added one more cat to the mix. This was completely unintentional on my part. I rescued a kitten that was dumped at our church, and brought her home with the intention of keeping her inside until she was big enough to be outside with the other cats. BUT my son Bucky took one look at her and fell totally in love and she immediately became HIS cat. So Sophie has joined the list of indoor cats, but we're through, we're full, completely and totally and absolutely no more cats are joining our household! Is that clear??! I don't even feel alone anymore when I'm home alone.

But they're so cute.

Almost a Year

I think that my little ones are having some sort of emotional reaction to the fact that we are coming up on their one year anniversary of living with us. Both have started misbehaving more than usual. More disobedience, more lying. Or are we just catching them more? I don't know, but suddenly things seem harder in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it's because we are starting to form real attachments and it's scary for them. Or maybe THAT's just my wishful thinking.

I can feel myself starting to think they are cuter, and starting to feel warmer toward them. It's amazing the cycle of emotions I have gone through. When they first came and we were honeymooning, I was crazy about them. I was fiercely protective and 110% of my attention was focused on their every need. As that began to wear off, I became weary of them and their behavior. I could tell that all their attention toward me was fake, and a lot of mine toward them was too.

Then I started to get really disgusted with myself, because really, if I can't love them the way no one ever truly has, and be the mom that they really need, then who will? So I've kept praying and trying, and my feelings for them are growing daily.

Blondie doesn't like to wash her hair. We had a big issue over this a couple of weeks ago, where I could tell her hair was still dirty and it didn't smell like the watermelon shampoo that she uses. So she started telling me that she just didn't get all the shampoo out, as usual, but finally I was catching on. The kid hasn't been washing her hair very often. So then she tried to tell me that she didn't use enough shampoo, only a pea sized drop. I told her that trying to say she used a tiny amount was no better than just not doing it, and to quit trying to wiggle out of it. She kept it up for 15 to 20 minutes before she finally admitted the truth. She got spanked and sent to bed early that night, and I thought that would be the end of it.

But no, on Sunday morning, she decided again not to wash her hair. As I was drying it, I noticed that it was limp and lifeless and just stuck to her head. I smelled it and it was stinky. So I got down on eye level with her and asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. She immediately confessed that she hadn't washed her hair.

After church Boaz decided that he would help Blondie want to wash her hair. HE washed it. Having Daddy wash her hair was none too pleasant, so hopefully Blondie has changed her mind and will wash it on her own from now on. It did smell fresh and watermelon-y this morning.

Then later in the day when she was loading the dishwasher, she broke a glass. Now this is not a problem, because accidents happen. In fact, she has broken a glass before and didn't get into trouble. So she should have known it would be okay. But instead of telling me, she tried to pick up all the broken glass and hide it in the trashcan. I found out later it was because she had been trying to force it into a space that was too small and it broke. We had a serious discussion with her about how dangerous it is to touch broken glass, and that she might not have found it all and someone else could get hurt too, and that an adult is really needed when glass gets broken in the house. Then we sent her to her room for a while, and when I was finishing loading the dishwasher I found more glass in there. SIGH.

Bubbles got in trouble too because she saw Blondie break the glass and didn't tell anyone. Then yesterday Bubbles came home and let me know that Blondie is eating mayonnaise packets at school. Evidently she ate so many at one point that the lunch lady told her not to eat any more mayo. But that lady recently quit, so Blondie attacked the mayo again yesterday.

Sometimes I want to just give in and believe it's a lost cause. Is anything we're doing getting through to her? Or are we just providing food and shelter until she's 18 and then she'll just go out on her own and return to her old way of life? It's very disheartening at times. But then sometimes she'll be honest about things, and she sees that she doesn't get in trouble, and I think that we've gotten past it, and then suddenly she does it again. This lying thing is a very hard thing to break, and so are food issues, and convincing her to wipe her bottom and wash her hair. I really think we've conquered the wiping thing, but you never know.

I still believe that we'll get through to her and that she'll have a good life, and that I won't regret this ten years from now, but it's hard when you're still in the trenches.

Bubbles is so much easier. She has problems too, but she's so much easier to redirect. I'm sure that it's because we got her at a younger age. So the human side of me wants to say, never adopt a child over six, but I know that's wrong. Every single child out there deserves another chance. You just have to be the right person in the right situation to do it. I'm thankful that we got Blondie and Bubbles and that their problems are no worse than they are. I just wish I had that magic pill to feed them that would make them listen to me and obey me. It's going to take lots of time, and I haven't always been a very patient person in some matters. I'm sure that's one of the lessons God is teaching me as I go through all this.

If you're a praying person, would you please pray for Blondie and Bubbles and Boaz and me? Pray that God would open their ears and eyes to the truth around them, and pray that God would give wisdom and discernment to Boaz and me as we parent them, and finally that He would help us all to grow in real love for each other. And if you don't mind, throw a prayer in there for Babygirl and Bucky too. It's hard on them too.

Successes and Trials

First the good news, and to me it is really, really good:

I took Blondie to the doctor today for a check up. As you may remember, she is on growth hormone shots. Well, she has grown an inch in three months. Hooray! She is now nine and a half years old, and is 46.5 inches tall. She only grew 1.5 centimeters from January to July, but then grew 3.3 centimeters from July to October. Since we started the shots in May, I'd say they are definitely working.

The bad news is that she is begging her friends for food at lunch time. I may have mentioned this last year, but I'm not going to go back and search my blogs to see. Anyway, her lunch companions complained about her last year and her teacher sent me a note. I send her plenty of good food that she says she likes, but she just can't seem to stop begging her friends. I was really hoping that it wouldn't be an issue this year.

We figured it out two ways. One is that her tummy is starting to round over again. Both girls were a bit chubby when they first moved in with us, and our social worker called it the "foster pudge" or something like that. Anyway, since moving in with us and getting off medication and tons of sweets, they have slimmed down and look really nice.

Now Blondie has gained four pounds in the six weeks since school started. Considering she only weighed 44 pounds to start with, that's a lot, and not a good thing if she keeps up this rate of weight gain. So I called her teacher and alerted her to the problem, hoping that she can encourage the other children to tell Blondie no when she begs for food. She just doesn't need it. Yes, she does have food issues, for good reason. It's a very difficult thing to help her with. She doesn't sneak any food at home or overeat at home. She's doing it all when I'm not around so it's impossible for me to control. Big sigh.

She's also been telling the boys at school that she "loves" them. The poor thing has been moved so much, and everyone says "I love you" until she has no idea what love even is. We asked her yesterday what love was, and she said it was when you hug and kiss someone. I asked her if that meant that if I went across the street and gave our neighbor a hug and kiss that would mean that I loved him? and she said yes, it did. Whoa. Boaz and I had a heart to heart talk with her and tried our best to explain that love comes from the heart and we don't just feel it for anyone and everyone. And that it has also probably made the little third grade boys at school uncomfortable when she was shouting "I love you" as they ignored her and walked away.

Sometimes I think this is bigger than I am. It's just hard. I don't know how to get through to her. It was so much easier with Babygirl. She believes what I tell her, takes it to heart and puts it into practice. Blondie doesn't believe what I say, or just doesn't care. I give her instructions, and then I think things are settled, because that's the way it always worked before. But then weeks later I find out she's doing the exact opposite of what I told her. Just like the shower gel in her hair. I don't know if she'll really stop following the boys saying "I love you" just because I told her it was a bad idea. I just don't know.

I care about her, I want the best for her, I love her, I want to help her. But it just won't work unless she cooperates. She has to make the decision whether to follow what I tell her or ignore it. I still think that time will make the difference and someday she'll probably trust me and listen to me. I'm just discouraged right now.

Sorry it's been so long...

We're just busy living.

I'm still a stay-at-home mom, although it feels like as busy as ever. The big, huge difference is that I'm happy. I'm very, very happy. I frequently call Boaz just to thank him for supporting my decision to stay home and take care of my family full time.

In the meantime, I've joined BSF, started volunteering at a local charity, and I'm now working part-time for my church (ten hours a week) doing the website. I love it. Being busy doing the things you love is a million times better than being busy doing something you hate. I don't care for being a part of corporate America. I'm really enjoying my freedom to choose what I do all day.

Typically I have Mondays and Fridays off (which means paying bills, cleaning house, making bread and soymilk). On Tuesdays I will be volunteering and having my weekly work meeting at the church. On Wednesdays I have BSF, followed by lunch with friends, followed by my weekly grocery shopping. On Thursdays I have a bible study time on the phone with my best friend at 1pm, and I'm trying to get a little coffee time going with my cousin who lives close by on Thursday mornings.

Mornings and evenings are crazy. I get up, make four breakfasts and four lunches and pick out clothes and keep kids moving until they are out the door an hour later. My oldest leaves an hour after the three younger ones, but she is responsible enough to get herself out the door.

The evenings are so busy. I'm making dinner when the three youngest get home, and then it's chaos and homework and everyone telling me about their day. Then usually someone has to be taken somewhere, sometimes more than one trip to town. One evening I actually have to drive into town FIVE times taking people here and there.

But I love it.

Boaz works long hours and is suffering from allergies right now. He's tired a lot, and only has a couple of hours with us in the evenings before heading for bed. So the majority of the homework help and running around falls to me. But hey, I volunteered for this and I'm totally in my element. It's like it's what I was born to do. It feels so RIGHT.

We are all adjusting well to being a family. There's still lots of room for improvement, but then, any situation is like that. My little ones seem just like regular kids, as far as their behavior goes. They have come so far in the eleven months we've had them. People comment to me on how much the girls have changed since they came to live with us. One woman who is about to adopt three said she was greatly encouraged by watching my two over the past year, and thinking that if I can do that much with a couple of kids, she can too. You know, that it's possible and all that.

My greatest desire at this point is still about the bonding. I don't know how long that will take. I wish that the major deep feelings were there on both sides, but right now it's still more like they are really good friends who live with us, rather than our actual children. Kind of like cherished nieces and nephews or something, but maybe not even as close as that. We are friendly and affectionate to each other, but it's not really deep yet. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it happen, but we won't be able to be close until they choose to let me be close to them. I can tell that they really still don't trust me yet, and until they do things probably won't change. It just all takes time. There were let down in such an immense way by their birth parents, that I'm sure it will take a very long time for them to truly realize that we are different.

Anyway, we're doing well, and I thought I'd let you know.

A Tribute to a Great Woman

Tomorrow we will meet together to celebrate the life of a great woman. She was my mother-in-law. She was a second mother to me. She put all other MIL's in the world to shame.

From the day we said "I do" she never stopped supporting our marriage, or supporting me. She told me what a blessing I was to her family, how happy she was that I was in her family, and that she loved me like I was her own. From her actions over the years, I know that she meant every word.

When Boaz and I needed time away from the kids early in our marriage, she was there. Whenever I was sick and needed some help, she was there. When I needed a listening ear or a shopping companion, she was there. She was always there.

When I decided to go back to college, she showed up faithfully every Saturday morning to take the kids for a few hours so I could study. When we decided to build a new house, twice, she was there, taking pictures and taking part in our happiness. When I graduated from college, she was there, bringing me gifts and going out to celebrate.

She never missed a birthday party. She never missed an opportunity to share of herself. To be around her was to be encouraged and uplifted. I loved her so much and I miss her so much. I was never able to give back to her as much as she gave to me. But in honor of her I know there is one thing I can do, one thing that she would love for me to do. Someday, when I'm a mother-in-law, I want to be just like her.

Telephone

Last night we had a hilarious time playing Telephone. Have any of you ever played it? It works like this: Someone thinks of a sentence or two, and whispers it in the ear of the person next to them. From there it is a passed to each member of the group, and then said aloud by the last person. I mentioned it casually while we were eating dinner, and Bucky asked if we could play it right now. We all agreed and the fun got started. It was hilarious. It was the most I've laughed in a long time. Sometimes just the looks on my children's faces as they heard the message, obviously having been jumbled, and then trying to stop laughing long enough to repeat it to the next person. Some examples: "Pink flamingos have big feet and long pretty eyelashes" was shortened to "Big booger noses" and another that I don't remember the original to ended up as "Your ears are ugly and your bottom is saggy". We had a blast. If you have kids that are old enough, you should really try it. It helps to have a couple of little ones thrown in to really mess things up. :~)

Life is really settling into something resembling our former family life, only bigger. The girls are almost as obedient as my older kids. The biggest difficulty discipline-wise continues to be when they are away from us, such as at school and on the bus. My older kids are accepting the girls more as part of our family and resenting them less. I've stopped beating myself up about my feelings and have accepted that it will take time and that we are in quite normal stages of the process. It just can't be hurried, no matter how hard I try.

Over time, Bubbles and Blondie's unique personalities are starting to really show through. Both girls are very helpful. Blondie wants to be wherever you are, doing whatever you are doing. She always wants to help. Bubbles wants to help too, but she is content to work alone on her tasks, and she frequently just picks up the broom to sweep without being told to, and she spent two hours washing dishes because she wanted to and asked if she could. I had to restrain myself from "helping" her, because she was so slow and I could have probably had it done in thirty minutes. (We had quite a stack of dishes leftover that don't fit in the dishwasher). She plodded along and I actually had to make her stop so we could eat dinner. I was really impressed and told her so more than once.

Both girls are little sweethearts. Their hugs and kisses have become more "real". I don't know the best way to explain it, but they melt into me more now. They aren't stiff and just going through the motions. Hugs last longer, and they sense my moods and know when I need one. It's really sweet. They have both also started to really admire their big sister. They like to be around her, spend time with her and give her hugs. It took several months before it became genuine, but I can see now that the relationship is growing on both sides.

Bucky doesn't complain about them anymore. He plays games with them and chases them around the house. He doesn't get so jealous when he sees me interacting with them. It's become a normal, everyday thing for him to see and he doesn't feel so threatened.

I can look back now and see how far we have come. It's a wonderful thing. It just takes TIME.