Finally, Some Progress

Things are changing around here. Bubbles in particular has been showing signs of real attachment. A year ago, she would exclaim that she loved me and want hugs and kisses, but there was no feeling behind it. It was more that she loved the mommy placeholder, and anyone in that place would receive the expected love actions. But now, I can feel a difference. She snuggles more and hugs longer and genuinely wants to sit by me. She follows me all over the house. She hurt her knee a couple of nights ago (while making an attempt to go where I was), then bravely held off crying until I got to her, when she let loose and bawled. It's just starting to feel so REAL. I don't feel like such a fake mommy anymore.

Blondie is trying too. It's harder for her, because she has more baggage from the past. It's harder for her to trust that I'm not leaving, ever. It's harder for her to emotionally connect with me because her birth mom had the first six years with her, and is most likely still the mommy of her heart. I can tell that Blondie wants to make a real connection with me, and that is different from before. I think she was just in survival mode before. That means she thinks she HAS to be nice to me so that I will feed her and take care of her and keep her. Obviously that isn't true, but she can't understand that.

I've begun to really appreciate some things about Blondie. She is very sweet and nurturing. I've seen it with animals and small children. She has an especially soft spot for children with special needs. Last night, for the first time, she was even nurturing to ME. I have a virus. I was lying on the couch, suffering with a low fever and just generally feeling terrible. She came over to me and felt my head and said, "Mommy I think you have fever! Can I get you some medicine?" She was genuinely concerned and was smoothing my hair and kissing my forehead. It was beyond sweet. Bucky got some medicine for me and Blondie brought it and a glass of water and then sat by me and obviously wanted to care for me.

Boaz has said before that our two youngest daughters are like little sponges, just soaking up all the love and attention they can get. It's only recently that I've begun to feel like they are trying to give back, and not just to make sure we'll keep them, but because they really care. I've been working hard to give them lots of praise lately, and they seem to be flowering from it.

On a side note, we are trying something new with their eating issues. Since day one, I've been trying to teach the girls what appropriate portion sizes are, just assuming that over time they will learn by example. But after a year, they are still gorging and begging for food when we aren't around. So based on some advice from someone who has worked with kids like mine for many years, we're taking a new tack. When we sit down to eat dinner, we will let them eat as much as they want. Gee, that sounds so normal. But with my girls, at least in the beginning, they would literally eat until they were in physical pain, to the point of tears. I felt like a terrible mother for allowing them to do that. I wanted to teach them good eating habits. But the theory is that I have to allow them to do this often enough that they will decide on their own not to overeat. I'm supposed to allow them to eat until they puke if that's what it takes.

Bubbles hasn't taken us up on it. I think the year of eating right-sized portions has actually had an effect on her. But since she was only four when she left her birth home, she probably didn't experience starvation to the same degree that Blondie did. Blondie has been eager to overeat and I've been letting her do it. It really bothers me and makes me feel like a bad mom. But I'm willing to give this a shot since a year of eating right hasn't cured her yet.

One Year Later

Blondie and Bubbles came to live with us on November 11, 2005.

It's been a heck of a year.

We're still having a lot of ups and downs, with bad outweighing good. I haven't lost hope, not at all, but it's just tough when you're going through it.

Boaz and I are a good team. We support each other and are able to take over when one of us has had it up to here ^. We still fall into the trap of trying to find the magic pill that will make the behavior issues go away. Then again we realize that it's just going to take time, and us being consistent with our discipline. The things that worked on our birth kids don't work on our adopted kids. Our birth kids got their needs met. Our birth kids had the right inputs at the right developmental stages. Our birth kids think before they act, because they know there are consequences to their actions.

Our adopted kids don't think. Even when they know they are doing something wrong, they just don't think they will get caught. It's always worth the risk. They have no conscience whatsoever. They don't care if what they do hurts someone else. It's hard to teach that to someone.

People always exclaim over how happy and well adjusted the girls seem. But they have "acted" that way since day one. They don't ever open up and express their real feelings. Who knows what's going on in there?

My biggest fears are about the choices they will make in the future. How can I best prepare them? I tell them the same things I told my older kids, but it doesn't have the same effect. I think the only thing that will get through is years of consistency. But I'm so impatient. I want to see results. I'm a problem solver by nature, and I have a problem here I can't solve. I have to accept that the only thing I can do is love them and teach them and be here for them, and then let them go. But it's so hard. If they end up pregnant at 12 years old, I'll feel like it's my fault. If they end up strung out on drugs when they are teens, I'll feel like it's my fault. If they wind up in prison as adults, I'll always be wondering if there is anything else I could have done.

I know, I need to give it to God. I'm trying. I just want what's best for my little girls.

On another track, we're going out tomorrow to celebrate. We're having breakfast at a restaurant, and then heading to a museum, then we're going to the craft store to let each child pick an ornament to hang on the Christmas tree, then we are attending a cousin's birthday party. Tomorrow night Boaz and I are going to a wedding and Babygirl will be babysitting across the street. The three youngest kids will be spending the evening with Papa. The girls have been talking about the "one-year party" for weeks, since that is what we have labeled it. It isn't really a party in the usual sense, but for us it is, as we will be spending all day running around having fun.

Cinderella Cuts Loose

At the Family Fun Fest Sunday night:

A Good Weekend

Bucky had a great birthday. He said it was his best one ever. On Thursday night we surprised him with an electric guitar. He thought we were headed to dinner and then his guitar lesson, so we told him to go put the acoustic guitar in the trunk. We had already loaded the box with his electric guitar in the trunk so when he opened the trunk he just jumped back and then just kind of wandered back and forth looking in the trunk. It was so cute.

Then we took him out to dinner. Since Babygirl and Blondie were sick, they stayed home together while the rest of us went out for mexican food. At the restaurant, Boaz told the waiter that it was Bucky's birthday, which resulted in him flapping some takeout boxes and holding a little cone over his nose like a chicken. It was very funny and I got it on my digital camera.

Then Boaz and Bubbles went home and I took Bucky to his music lesson. Since Babygirl wasn't there, Bucky got the whole hour to himself and they dug into all the new stuff and his teacher had time to go over how to use the guitar and the amplifier and get him started on power chords. When we got home he kept playing it until I made him go to bed, and then when I got up the next morning he was waiting on the couch so he could start playing as soon as I got up. This is the same kid that I have trouble getting up each morning! He had already showered and was just quietly waiting to play his new guitar. Ha.

Friday night seven of his friends, three grandparents and two cousins came for his party. I made him a Ginger Macadamia Coconut Carrot cake with spelt flour from a vegan cookbook, the Vegan With a Vengence. It was great. Everything I've made from that cookbook is good. The boys played with their airsoft guns outside for most of the evening, and then I locked them in the house at 11:30pm and turned on the alarm. At 7am they were wanting out, so I turned off the alarm and headed into the kitchen to make some Macadamia Caramel Cinnamon rolls. Those were a hit too, I just didn't make enough of them.

All of the boys were gone by 10:30am and we made Bucky go to bed. He insisted that he wasn't tired and wouldn't be able to sleep and he didn't want to go to bed, until Boaz threatened to paddle him and he grumpily obeyed. Thirty minutes later when I checked on him he was sound asleep and he didn't get up until around 3pm.

My FIL came over in the afternoon and helped us plant pansies around the front porch. Boaz brought dirt from the garden with his tractor, and FIL, Blondie, Bubbles and I raked dirt and spaced out the plants. After the plants were in the ground and mulched, I headed into the garage and dusted off a box of solar lights that I bought a couple of years ago. Blondie offered to help and so together we assembled and placed the lights around the porch too. It looks pretty cute. It still doesn't compare with most of the manicured, paid-gardener pampered yards in our neighborhood, but it's much improved.

That night we went to the annual neighborhood Halloween party. There was a hayride and potluck dinner and it was fun. Babygirl was still sick and had to miss out. The ride was too long and a bit cold, but we still had a pretty good time. Believe it or not, we don't know most of the people in our neighborhood. You'd think it'd be different in a gated neighborhood, but we only get together once a year, and different people come different years.

On Sunday after church Bucky wanted to spend some of his birthday money on Nintendo DS games, so he and I went off together to Best Buy. When we got home, Bubbles told me in a happy voice that the turtle died and then she ran off to play. This was a painful blow, especially in the way that the news was delivered. Boaz had told her not to tell Babygirl, but didn't realize I would be home so soon, and didn't tell her not to tell me. He wanted to be the one to tell me, because we've had the turtle for ten years and knew it would be somewhat upsetting news. It's hard to get too attached to a water turtle, but they really become a friend over the years in their own way. I think it's mostly just because she's seven that she didn't really get that I would be upset by what she was telling me.

We also found out this weekend that Bubbles is equally guilty in the food begging at school. I noticed that she was starting to get thick around the middle in her clothes so I weighed her, and she has gained five or six pounds since school started. Sigh. Both girls will tell you that they are still hungry and don't have enough food if you ask, yet they are gaining weight at an alarming speed. They have each added ten percent to their body weight. Four and five pounds doesn't seem like a lot, and it isn't for an adult, but it's a lot for a kid, especially when they haven't grown enough to make up for it.

I've found that I have to watch over them and control their portions at every meal. On the few occasions I've let them eat as much as they wanted, they ate until they were in physical pain and nearly crying. They just have no control. People look at me like I'm some kind of monster when I tell the girls they've had enough and can't have any more and they are saying they are still hungry. But all you have to do is look at them to see they aren't underfed. They are healthy and happy, they just have food issues. Whenever they are away from me, they eat everything they can get their hands on. We did great over the summer, and they were even starting to say they were "full" which was a major milestone. But I guess they just can't help themselves when they are surrounded by so much food every day, and with just a bit of bullying and begging they can have it.

I called the school secretary this morning, and for now the plan is this: If the lunchroom attendants see the girls eating anything that isn't theirs, they will have to sit at the "bad" table for a week. I don't know what the correct term for this table is now, but it was called the "silent" table when I was a kid. They will also give me a call when they see this behavior. I hope this will help curb the girls from this constant begging. I know it can't possibly be making them popular with their friends. I wouldn't like somebody who begged for my food every day and I'm sure their friends don't like it either.

The nice thing is that the secretary tried to encourage me by telling me how much the girls have changed over the last year, and how their manners are wonderful and how they just seem to be flourishing under our care. I see that too. They have made so many changes and they have held up so well. Bubbles is witty and loves to laugh and have fun. Blondie is so sweet natured and helpful. She is willing to give away some or all of what she has to anyone who doesn't have one/some. Things are even starting to feel more "normal". I'm not sure how to explain that one, but it feels more natural than it did. Real emotions are starting to grow in place of the plastic feelings we all had in the beginning.

The main problem is with their being disobedient when we aren't there. If we can ever conquer that one, I don't think I'll have anything else to complain about.

Family Clinic?

So now I have two patients. Blondie has a cough and a sore throat so I had to go pick her up at school. Anyone else feeling bad? The couch and the loveseat are taken, but I can make you a pallet on the floor.

Good grief. It looks like the attendance list for Bucky's birthday dinner tonight is rapidly shrinking.

Happy Birthday Little Man

My son turns thirteen today. He's such a great kid. He's sensitive and loving and all boy. He has invited nine kids over for a sleep over tomorrow night. I'm hoping some of them won't come, but you never know. If I end up with ten twelve and thirteen year olds stomping through the house, I may get my gray hair a bit early.

His big surprise today when he gets home is an electric guitar. He has no idea. He's been begging for one for weeks but I've let him know that we can't afford one and that he'll have to save his money. However, I actually found a good deal at the warehouse store that included an amplifier, so I went for it. I made a deal with him long ago that if he took lessons on my acoustic guitar and learned to play it well, I'd buy him an electric one. He's fulfilled his part of the bargain, so now I'm fulfilling mine. He's going to flip when he sees it.

The only bad thing is, Babygirl woke up sick this morning. There's a stomach virus going around all the schools and Bucky just got over it. Babygirl is in a choir concert tonight and has her first real solo that is a whole song, and now it looks like she'll miss it. I had the wonderful experience of cleaning spew off the wall this morning, because she couldn't get the toilet lid up in time. Nice. That wall might need to be repainted.

Too Many Cats

There are two too many cats in my house. The one in the middle is my baby. The one on the right is Babygirl's baby, Joey. He's rotten. He's the one that can open doors, and taught Gabriel how to do it too (my baby).

We recently added one more cat to the mix. This was completely unintentional on my part. I rescued a kitten that was dumped at our church, and brought her home with the intention of keeping her inside until she was big enough to be outside with the other cats. BUT my son Bucky took one look at her and fell totally in love and she immediately became HIS cat. So Sophie has joined the list of indoor cats, but we're through, we're full, completely and totally and absolutely no more cats are joining our household! Is that clear??! I don't even feel alone anymore when I'm home alone.

But they're so cute.

Almost a Year

I think that my little ones are having some sort of emotional reaction to the fact that we are coming up on their one year anniversary of living with us. Both have started misbehaving more than usual. More disobedience, more lying. Or are we just catching them more? I don't know, but suddenly things seem harder in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it's because we are starting to form real attachments and it's scary for them. Or maybe THAT's just my wishful thinking.

I can feel myself starting to think they are cuter, and starting to feel warmer toward them. It's amazing the cycle of emotions I have gone through. When they first came and we were honeymooning, I was crazy about them. I was fiercely protective and 110% of my attention was focused on their every need. As that began to wear off, I became weary of them and their behavior. I could tell that all their attention toward me was fake, and a lot of mine toward them was too.

Then I started to get really disgusted with myself, because really, if I can't love them the way no one ever truly has, and be the mom that they really need, then who will? So I've kept praying and trying, and my feelings for them are growing daily.

Blondie doesn't like to wash her hair. We had a big issue over this a couple of weeks ago, where I could tell her hair was still dirty and it didn't smell like the watermelon shampoo that she uses. So she started telling me that she just didn't get all the shampoo out, as usual, but finally I was catching on. The kid hasn't been washing her hair very often. So then she tried to tell me that she didn't use enough shampoo, only a pea sized drop. I told her that trying to say she used a tiny amount was no better than just not doing it, and to quit trying to wiggle out of it. She kept it up for 15 to 20 minutes before she finally admitted the truth. She got spanked and sent to bed early that night, and I thought that would be the end of it.

But no, on Sunday morning, she decided again not to wash her hair. As I was drying it, I noticed that it was limp and lifeless and just stuck to her head. I smelled it and it was stinky. So I got down on eye level with her and asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. She immediately confessed that she hadn't washed her hair.

After church Boaz decided that he would help Blondie want to wash her hair. HE washed it. Having Daddy wash her hair was none too pleasant, so hopefully Blondie has changed her mind and will wash it on her own from now on. It did smell fresh and watermelon-y this morning.

Then later in the day when she was loading the dishwasher, she broke a glass. Now this is not a problem, because accidents happen. In fact, she has broken a glass before and didn't get into trouble. So she should have known it would be okay. But instead of telling me, she tried to pick up all the broken glass and hide it in the trashcan. I found out later it was because she had been trying to force it into a space that was too small and it broke. We had a serious discussion with her about how dangerous it is to touch broken glass, and that she might not have found it all and someone else could get hurt too, and that an adult is really needed when glass gets broken in the house. Then we sent her to her room for a while, and when I was finishing loading the dishwasher I found more glass in there. SIGH.

Bubbles got in trouble too because she saw Blondie break the glass and didn't tell anyone. Then yesterday Bubbles came home and let me know that Blondie is eating mayonnaise packets at school. Evidently she ate so many at one point that the lunch lady told her not to eat any more mayo. But that lady recently quit, so Blondie attacked the mayo again yesterday.

Sometimes I want to just give in and believe it's a lost cause. Is anything we're doing getting through to her? Or are we just providing food and shelter until she's 18 and then she'll just go out on her own and return to her old way of life? It's very disheartening at times. But then sometimes she'll be honest about things, and she sees that she doesn't get in trouble, and I think that we've gotten past it, and then suddenly she does it again. This lying thing is a very hard thing to break, and so are food issues, and convincing her to wipe her bottom and wash her hair. I really think we've conquered the wiping thing, but you never know.

I still believe that we'll get through to her and that she'll have a good life, and that I won't regret this ten years from now, but it's hard when you're still in the trenches.

Bubbles is so much easier. She has problems too, but she's so much easier to redirect. I'm sure that it's because we got her at a younger age. So the human side of me wants to say, never adopt a child over six, but I know that's wrong. Every single child out there deserves another chance. You just have to be the right person in the right situation to do it. I'm thankful that we got Blondie and Bubbles and that their problems are no worse than they are. I just wish I had that magic pill to feed them that would make them listen to me and obey me. It's going to take lots of time, and I haven't always been a very patient person in some matters. I'm sure that's one of the lessons God is teaching me as I go through all this.

If you're a praying person, would you please pray for Blondie and Bubbles and Boaz and me? Pray that God would open their ears and eyes to the truth around them, and pray that God would give wisdom and discernment to Boaz and me as we parent them, and finally that He would help us all to grow in real love for each other. And if you don't mind, throw a prayer in there for Babygirl and Bucky too. It's hard on them too.

Successes and Trials

First the good news, and to me it is really, really good:

I took Blondie to the doctor today for a check up. As you may remember, she is on growth hormone shots. Well, she has grown an inch in three months. Hooray! She is now nine and a half years old, and is 46.5 inches tall. She only grew 1.5 centimeters from January to July, but then grew 3.3 centimeters from July to October. Since we started the shots in May, I'd say they are definitely working.

The bad news is that she is begging her friends for food at lunch time. I may have mentioned this last year, but I'm not going to go back and search my blogs to see. Anyway, her lunch companions complained about her last year and her teacher sent me a note. I send her plenty of good food that she says she likes, but she just can't seem to stop begging her friends. I was really hoping that it wouldn't be an issue this year.

We figured it out two ways. One is that her tummy is starting to round over again. Both girls were a bit chubby when they first moved in with us, and our social worker called it the "foster pudge" or something like that. Anyway, since moving in with us and getting off medication and tons of sweets, they have slimmed down and look really nice.

Now Blondie has gained four pounds in the six weeks since school started. Considering she only weighed 44 pounds to start with, that's a lot, and not a good thing if she keeps up this rate of weight gain. So I called her teacher and alerted her to the problem, hoping that she can encourage the other children to tell Blondie no when she begs for food. She just doesn't need it. Yes, she does have food issues, for good reason. It's a very difficult thing to help her with. She doesn't sneak any food at home or overeat at home. She's doing it all when I'm not around so it's impossible for me to control. Big sigh.

She's also been telling the boys at school that she "loves" them. The poor thing has been moved so much, and everyone says "I love you" until she has no idea what love even is. We asked her yesterday what love was, and she said it was when you hug and kiss someone. I asked her if that meant that if I went across the street and gave our neighbor a hug and kiss that would mean that I loved him? and she said yes, it did. Whoa. Boaz and I had a heart to heart talk with her and tried our best to explain that love comes from the heart and we don't just feel it for anyone and everyone. And that it has also probably made the little third grade boys at school uncomfortable when she was shouting "I love you" as they ignored her and walked away.

Sometimes I think this is bigger than I am. It's just hard. I don't know how to get through to her. It was so much easier with Babygirl. She believes what I tell her, takes it to heart and puts it into practice. Blondie doesn't believe what I say, or just doesn't care. I give her instructions, and then I think things are settled, because that's the way it always worked before. But then weeks later I find out she's doing the exact opposite of what I told her. Just like the shower gel in her hair. I don't know if she'll really stop following the boys saying "I love you" just because I told her it was a bad idea. I just don't know.

I care about her, I want the best for her, I love her, I want to help her. But it just won't work unless she cooperates. She has to make the decision whether to follow what I tell her or ignore it. I still think that time will make the difference and someday she'll probably trust me and listen to me. I'm just discouraged right now.

Sorry it's been so long...

We're just busy living.

I'm still a stay-at-home mom, although it feels like as busy as ever. The big, huge difference is that I'm happy. I'm very, very happy. I frequently call Boaz just to thank him for supporting my decision to stay home and take care of my family full time.

In the meantime, I've joined BSF, started volunteering at a local charity, and I'm now working part-time for my church (ten hours a week) doing the website. I love it. Being busy doing the things you love is a million times better than being busy doing something you hate. I don't care for being a part of corporate America. I'm really enjoying my freedom to choose what I do all day.

Typically I have Mondays and Fridays off (which means paying bills, cleaning house, making bread and soymilk). On Tuesdays I will be volunteering and having my weekly work meeting at the church. On Wednesdays I have BSF, followed by lunch with friends, followed by my weekly grocery shopping. On Thursdays I have a bible study time on the phone with my best friend at 1pm, and I'm trying to get a little coffee time going with my cousin who lives close by on Thursday mornings.

Mornings and evenings are crazy. I get up, make four breakfasts and four lunches and pick out clothes and keep kids moving until they are out the door an hour later. My oldest leaves an hour after the three younger ones, but she is responsible enough to get herself out the door.

The evenings are so busy. I'm making dinner when the three youngest get home, and then it's chaos and homework and everyone telling me about their day. Then usually someone has to be taken somewhere, sometimes more than one trip to town. One evening I actually have to drive into town FIVE times taking people here and there.

But I love it.

Boaz works long hours and is suffering from allergies right now. He's tired a lot, and only has a couple of hours with us in the evenings before heading for bed. So the majority of the homework help and running around falls to me. But hey, I volunteered for this and I'm totally in my element. It's like it's what I was born to do. It feels so RIGHT.

We are all adjusting well to being a family. There's still lots of room for improvement, but then, any situation is like that. My little ones seem just like regular kids, as far as their behavior goes. They have come so far in the eleven months we've had them. People comment to me on how much the girls have changed since they came to live with us. One woman who is about to adopt three said she was greatly encouraged by watching my two over the past year, and thinking that if I can do that much with a couple of kids, she can too. You know, that it's possible and all that.

My greatest desire at this point is still about the bonding. I don't know how long that will take. I wish that the major deep feelings were there on both sides, but right now it's still more like they are really good friends who live with us, rather than our actual children. Kind of like cherished nieces and nephews or something, but maybe not even as close as that. We are friendly and affectionate to each other, but it's not really deep yet. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it happen, but we won't be able to be close until they choose to let me be close to them. I can tell that they really still don't trust me yet, and until they do things probably won't change. It just all takes time. There were let down in such an immense way by their birth parents, that I'm sure it will take a very long time for them to truly realize that we are different.

Anyway, we're doing well, and I thought I'd let you know.

A Tribute to a Great Woman

Tomorrow we will meet together to celebrate the life of a great woman. She was my mother-in-law. She was a second mother to me. She put all other MIL's in the world to shame.

From the day we said "I do" she never stopped supporting our marriage, or supporting me. She told me what a blessing I was to her family, how happy she was that I was in her family, and that she loved me like I was her own. From her actions over the years, I know that she meant every word.

When Boaz and I needed time away from the kids early in our marriage, she was there. Whenever I was sick and needed some help, she was there. When I needed a listening ear or a shopping companion, she was there. She was always there.

When I decided to go back to college, she showed up faithfully every Saturday morning to take the kids for a few hours so I could study. When we decided to build a new house, twice, she was there, taking pictures and taking part in our happiness. When I graduated from college, she was there, bringing me gifts and going out to celebrate.

She never missed a birthday party. She never missed an opportunity to share of herself. To be around her was to be encouraged and uplifted. I loved her so much and I miss her so much. I was never able to give back to her as much as she gave to me. But in honor of her I know there is one thing I can do, one thing that she would love for me to do. Someday, when I'm a mother-in-law, I want to be just like her.

Telephone

Last night we had a hilarious time playing Telephone. Have any of you ever played it? It works like this: Someone thinks of a sentence or two, and whispers it in the ear of the person next to them. From there it is a passed to each member of the group, and then said aloud by the last person. I mentioned it casually while we were eating dinner, and Bucky asked if we could play it right now. We all agreed and the fun got started. It was hilarious. It was the most I've laughed in a long time. Sometimes just the looks on my children's faces as they heard the message, obviously having been jumbled, and then trying to stop laughing long enough to repeat it to the next person. Some examples: "Pink flamingos have big feet and long pretty eyelashes" was shortened to "Big booger noses" and another that I don't remember the original to ended up as "Your ears are ugly and your bottom is saggy". We had a blast. If you have kids that are old enough, you should really try it. It helps to have a couple of little ones thrown in to really mess things up. :~)

Life is really settling into something resembling our former family life, only bigger. The girls are almost as obedient as my older kids. The biggest difficulty discipline-wise continues to be when they are away from us, such as at school and on the bus. My older kids are accepting the girls more as part of our family and resenting them less. I've stopped beating myself up about my feelings and have accepted that it will take time and that we are in quite normal stages of the process. It just can't be hurried, no matter how hard I try.

Over time, Bubbles and Blondie's unique personalities are starting to really show through. Both girls are very helpful. Blondie wants to be wherever you are, doing whatever you are doing. She always wants to help. Bubbles wants to help too, but she is content to work alone on her tasks, and she frequently just picks up the broom to sweep without being told to, and she spent two hours washing dishes because she wanted to and asked if she could. I had to restrain myself from "helping" her, because she was so slow and I could have probably had it done in thirty minutes. (We had quite a stack of dishes leftover that don't fit in the dishwasher). She plodded along and I actually had to make her stop so we could eat dinner. I was really impressed and told her so more than once.

Both girls are little sweethearts. Their hugs and kisses have become more "real". I don't know the best way to explain it, but they melt into me more now. They aren't stiff and just going through the motions. Hugs last longer, and they sense my moods and know when I need one. It's really sweet. They have both also started to really admire their big sister. They like to be around her, spend time with her and give her hugs. It took several months before it became genuine, but I can see now that the relationship is growing on both sides.

Bucky doesn't complain about them anymore. He plays games with them and chases them around the house. He doesn't get so jealous when he sees me interacting with them. It's become a normal, everyday thing for him to see and he doesn't feel so threatened.

I can look back now and see how far we have come. It's a wonderful thing. It just takes TIME.

On the Right Track

I've had some time since my last blog to talk to my husband, my eldest daughter and my sister-in-law, who is also a social worker. I got reassurance from the first and last, and a good listening ear from my daughter. She turned 16 last week and she is a delight to have in my life. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a daughter, but thank you, God.

I have also received reassurance from an unexpected and unsolicited source. Bubbles herself.

One day, while making dinner, Bubbles announced, "Mommy, I just don't know how to thank you enough." I asked, "For what, honey?" She said, "For giving me such a nice place to live and for loving me." I felt my throat getting tight, and I hugged her and told her she deserved every bit of it.

Another day, Boaz had to work on a Saturday, so he wasn't there when Blondie and Bubbles got up and they were disappointed. Blondie stated, "It's not as fun when Daddy isn't here." Bubbles agreed. Then Blondie said, "Daddy is the fun one." Bubbles then said, "But Mommy is special too. Mommy is the love one." It was very humbling and encouraging to hear that Bubbles sees me that way, when I feel I don't spend enough time loving them. It made me feel that I might be doing a bit better than I thought. On the other hand, maybe it's just that their former life was so terrible that even the small bit I do is volumes more than they got before.

I had a long talk with Boaz about my feelings and guilt and (to my way of thinking) shortcomings. He was quick to tell me that I'm too hard on myself. He said that it was unrealistic to think that I would love Blondie and Bubbles with the same depth and intensity as I love my birth children after only nine months with them. He also pointed out that we love every person in our lives a different way, and it may never be exactly the same, but still very good. He told me that I should talk to him more instead of "guilting myself to death". I guess he's right. I still think I should do more though. I can't help it. I'm a mom, and it comes with the territory to beat yourself up and think you are never good enough, right?

Yesterday my sister-in-law called. What a dose of reality! I told her all about my concerns over the girls' emotional states, such as them always being "happy", or at least pretending that they are. She told me that what I was describing was very common, and would take years to overcome. She said that nine months is really not long compared to how long and how horribly they were treated in their birth home. She said they probably learned that was the best way to navigate through life, and it will be a long time before they feel safe to express their true emotions, and it may take some coaching on my part to help them get in touch with their feelings. She said there are some good books for teaching kids about feelings too.

I talked to her about how I thought it would have been easier if I didn't have birth children when I adopted them. She told me that she thought the benefits really outweighed my concerns. She said that sibling relationships are real relationships too, and they are easier for abused kids. The parent-child relationships typically hold much more baggage and are more difficult for them. She said we are also modelling healthy parent-child relationships through them watching us with our birth children.

I told her about how I take one of them with me when I go out to do my grocery shopping, and she thought it was a great idea. She said that just doing regular things together is good. She said that sitting down one on one having heavy, emotional fraught interactions wouldn't be beneficial very often. And here I was thinking I haven't been doing that enough. I've been worried a bit that they haven't opened up more, but she seems to think we're right on track. There were a couple of things she suggested that I've actually already done.

I also talked to Babygirl a few days back, and we discussed how Bubbles really looks up to her. We also discussed how crabby she is with both the little ones, and she admitted that she was. She said that before we adopted them she had something different in mind than what she got. She said she understands now that it wasn't realistic. Then yesterday I noticed her being much nicer and friendlier to them. It was very refreshing.

She also said that she can't even remember when they weren't here. Wow.

Mostly I've learned that I'm going to have to be patient and it will just take a lot of time. I do love them. I think I was just expecting too much too soon, both of myself and of them.

On a lighter note, school starts in two weeks, and I've been getting their wardrobes ready. It's a bit more difficult now that I have four. I always wanted four kids when I was growing up as an only child. Be careful what you wish for....just kidding.

As for me, I'll be starting a small part-time job working at home doing the website for my church, probably next week. I'll also be starting BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) in September and I'll be volunteering at a local charity once a week. It's my dream life. Thank you, God.

Still Not Satisfied With Myself

I'm still disappointed in my own behavior. Some things have gotten better, but some things are still quite lacking. My relationship with Babygirl has improved immensely since "the talk". She's been hanging around me much more, talking and cuddling up to me.

One of the things the kids do is to fight over who gets to sit next to me at breakfast/lunch/dinner. They came up with a plan that Bubbles sits by me at breakfast, Blondie gets me at lunch and Bucky gets me at dinner. That wasn't really fair at first because they were still in school at the time, so they weren't here at lunch and I almost never eat breakfast. I didn't buck their system though because they all seemed okay with it, and if I had tried to have them all taking turns at dinner Bucky would have had a total meltdown. Now if you notice, I said nothing about Babygirl in this schedule. She didn't demand a spot. She's always been quietly unselfish, hiding her own needs and pretending everything is okay. Recently she claimed a spot next to me at lunch. During breakfast and lunch there are two spots available next to me, and at dinner one spot is claimed by Boaz.

Now for my feelings on all of this. It feels so crazy to be fought over. It feels okay for them to all want to sit by me, but I'm not sure what their motivation is. At times I really feel that it's more about their competition with each other, rather than a true want to be close to me. I know that for Bucky it's about security and possessiveness. He really doesn't want to share me. He does well with playing with Blondie and Bubbles, and they really have a good time. But when it comes to me, he gets very jealous.

So now I think I've swung too far to the other side. I've been trying to fix the problems with my bios and make them more comfortable, and I think I've been neglecting Blondie and Bubbles a bit. Maybe neglect isn't the right word. It's just that I haven't been able to spend much one-on-one time with them. They are certainly fed and bathed and treated kindly and disciplined and tucked in at night, but not much more. So part of the problem right now is that I've been taking care of the squeaky wheels only. Blondie and Bubbles play together or with Bucky, go outside to pet the cats and hang out like real members of the family. But they don't complain about me not spending time with them. They always act like everything is perfectly fine. I know that it's not, and it can't be, and I have talked with each of them separately about not pretending, and being available to hear whatever feelings they are having.

Then last weekend, we went to the river to go floating. When we got out, there were a million people there, all smoking, drinking, cussing and being loud. (We had to wait there for the bus to take us back to our cars.) I noticed that Bubbles got very quiet and hung her head for nearly the entire time. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she just said she was hungry. Even though I put my arm around her and kept her close to me and asked her frequently if she was really okay, she kept saying she was fine. When we got back to the house, I made a point to get her alone and talk to her about it. I asked her if being around those other people reminded her of anything. She said no. I asked if it reminded her of being around her bio parents. She said no. She said that when she lived with her bios she "had a blast". Whoa, nelly. I know that's not true. I asked her what it was like, and she said that she colored with crayons and watched movies on TV. FYI - that is what she does at our house. Another time she told me that when she lived with her bios, the daddy went to work and the kids rode the bus to school. Again, that is describing our house, NOT the bios. I gently told her that what she said wasn't true, and she was describing our house. I told her about what she had said before about riding the bus, and she claimed she never said that. She wanted to know WHEN she said that. I've heard about kids being in denial about their past and what it was like to live with their bio parents, and then suddenly there it was. It has to be so hard for her. She was very small when she left them, so she probably doesn't even remember what it was really like. She even told me once a few weeks ago that it would have been better there if CPS had let her go back, because her bio parents were going to change, they promised her they would. It's just so heartbreaking. All this time she's just been thinking that the bios just needed another chance. Never mind the fact that they didn't do their training or change their behavior or even show up to court. I used the opportunity to explain to her that the reason she didn't go back to them is because they didn't change, and they weren't going to, and that's why CPS decided to take them away permanently. But the girls don't believe what I say.

For example, Blondie was using shower gel in her hair. I told her not to, and that shampoo goes in hair, not shower gel. She continued to do it for weeks. I couldn't figure out why her hair was so lifeless and almost gluey. Finally she confessed about the shower gel, when it seemed I was ready to do a full investigation. I asked her why she continued to put it in her hair after I told her not to, and she said she didn't believe me that it mattered. Sigh. She also didn't believe me when I told her that the million dollar bill that her friend brought to school and showed her WASN'T REAL. She went right off to tell Boaz about it. He also told her it wasn't real, and it was obvious from her face that she didn't believe either one of us. I'm really just not used to this. My bios have almost hero-worshipped me from birth, they believe every word I tell them and come to me for answers I don't even have. I sort of expected that it would be the same way with Blondie and Bubbles. I can see now that was unrealistic. They believe NOTHING we say. They pretend to, but then they go off and do whatever they want. It's surprising and frustrating for them not to believe the simple things I tell them about life. When will that change? How can I raise them right if they don't believe a word I say?

Anyway, back to the feelings thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm making too much of it. I know it all takes time. But when will my feelings for them grow to where I want them to be? I certainly care for them. It's just not the same thing I feel for my bios. I really think if I didn't have the bios, I would feel more for Blondie and Bubbles. I could be wrong there, since I haven't experienced it both ways. It's just that I feel the difference, and I don't want there to BE a difference, but there just IS. It's not fair to my littles ones. They've already been through so much, and it's just not fair for me not to love them the way they need.

I have noticed that when I do spend time alone with them, my softer feelings for them come to the fore. It's just that it's few and far between. I really need to work on that. But then there's that complication of my bios' jealousy. This balancing act is killing me.

I'm continuing to pray that God will give me an agape love for them, just like the way He loves them. I know it will happen eventually, but I'm impatient. I really didn't expect this. I guess it was very unrealistic, but I thought my feelings for them would be the same as I have for my bios by now.

Thinking of Gawdessness

I can relate to so many of her feelings right now. Especially the one about Turtle Girl. During the process of bringing the new girls home, the attitudes and feelings of my biological children was the hardest on me. Even my stalwart oldest daughter who had been gung-ho about the adoption from the first, was looking at me like her life had just been destroyed, and my son was looking at me with tears welling in his eyes. I think it's the hardest on the baby of the family. Then again, my oldest was just hiding and swallowing her feelings on it until recently.

This adoption thing is a HUGE sacrifice. Yes, I knew that going in, and yes, they all warned me, but it's bigger than you expect. I'd still do it all over again, but I would attend to my biological children's needs in the beginning a little better than I did. In the swirl of trying to incorporate the new kids and make them feel comfortable, I expected my bios to just understand and wait a few weeks to have me close again. I think it hurt them more than I knew. They felt pushed aside and replaced. I had two mild anxiety attacks the week we brought them home. Both of them were caused by my feelings for my bios.

Babygirl has been acting out in anger, suddenly, in the past few months. It is unlike her. After the third episode, which involved hitting her brother, I sat with her in her room for a couple of hours, trying to understand what was going on. I know that anger comes from hurt, so I was very concerned to find out how she was hurting.

And it was all about me.

Even as a working mom that was run ragged, I have always put my children first. Babygirl and Bucky have always known I was there for them, RIGHT THERE, any time they needed me. All Babygirl had to do was walk in with a sad face, and she could reasonably expect her mom to drop literally everything until she’d had a chance to let it all out and be comforted/advised/whatever. Then Blondie and Bubbles moved in, and suddenly, Babygirl had to wait her turn, and it didn’t go over well at all. She complained several times a day in those first few weeks that I wasn’t listening to her. I tried to tell her that she needed to wait until she had my attention before she started talking. She’s never had to do that before. She felt replaced.
She made a comment in the first few weeks about trying to need me less, and praying for God to help her need me less. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, and I didn’t pursue it. So it grew. And it finally erupted.

I had a long, tearful conversation with her in which she again said that she was trying not to need me, and had been doing so ever since the girls moved in. I responded to her that she would always need me and to just stop trying not to. I assured her that I’m as much here for her now as I’ve always been. I told her that she’ll need me when she gets married and when she has a baby. I told her that girls always need their mothers, and it never goes away. I’m 37 years old and there are still times when I need my mother.

Bringing home new kids is so freaking hard. So much bigger than I understood. Because suddenly you have these two new kids who are just two black holes of need, but then your bios suddenly have bigger needs than ever before too. As an adult you expect them to understand like you do, that the extra attention you are giving the new kids will even out as they adjust and become part of the family, but they don’t. They feel deserted, replaced and forgotten. At least if you do it the way I did. Though in retrospect, I don’t know how I physically could have done it better. I was working full time and suddenly had four kids and I only had about three hours, sometimes two, to spend with them, and that included eating, homework, baths, etc. Spending any time with Boaz was out of the question completely.

Then on top of that, both Boaz and I were at our wits’ end trying to discipline the younger kids. We were supremely frustrated with the results of the discipline tools we were allowed to use. Time-out worked slightly, at best. Looking back, I just think the problem was bigger than I was, but somehome I muddled through. Quitting my job was the best thing I could have done, family-wise, but financially it isn’t so hot. That money thing will still have to be attended to soon, but in the family sense we are doing SO much better. I’m much more aware of my bios now, very similar to before the little girls came. And I’m able to spend more quality time with the little ones. And even Boaz has gotten some attention. :)

But here I was, thinking everything was better, when suddenly Babygirl has the fallout. I think/hope/pray that we are on the way to recovery with her. I think we reconnected. I stayed up late with her every night this week while Bucky was gone watching favorite movies and eating popcorn and cuddling. I’ve tried to be more purposeful about paying attention to her. I’ve tried so hard not to play favorites with my bios in the past several months, but maybe I overdid it.

This whole thing is very, very, very hard. But I still believe it’s the right thing to do. And I believe that because I think in time we will all be bonded as a family, and our little daughters will become the beautiful young women God created them to be, and my bios will see that they haven’t lost their mom, and I will be the better for having answered God’s call and made the necessary sacrifices. If it never got any better than it was those first few weeks, then I would tell everyone who already has kids to not even consider adopting. But we're getting better, day by day. I don't know what the future holds, but I haven't given up hope.

And some day we just might do it again. But the nice thing about it will be that our eyes will be wide open, and it won’t be like getting hit by a freight train again.

Response

Okay, I've heard your cries for relief, so I'll blog today.

Tamara asked if there were any fun stories or warm fuzzies, and there are. For instance, two nights ago Blondie left the water running, and Boaz wanted to talk to her about it. He asked her if she knew where the water came from before it got in the house. She said it came from the lake and he said no. Then she said it came from the well, and he told her that was right. Then he asked her if she knew what a well was....can you guess what she said....she said it was a big fish. HAHAHA Okay, that stopped us all for a while. Both my little ones tend to pronounce things like tail as "tell" and whale as "well". Boaz probed a bit more and Blondie told him she thought that the water came from a whale in the ocean, very far away, and the water we get comes from his spout. That's so funny I can barely type it.

We proceeded to teach her what a well really is.

As for warm fuzzies, I really experienced a good one a couple of days ago. I finally sat down and created my control journal, ala flylady.net, and the first thing on the list every day is bible study. I showed this journal to Boaz, and he loved that we were all doing bible study together every morning. I corrected him and told him no, that only referred to ME doing MY bible study. He felt that it should be all of us. I raised my eyebrows but agreed to it. The warm fuzzy came the next day as I sat at the kitchen table with my three daughters (my son is away at camp this week). As we all opened our bibles and began to quietly read, I was struck by how sweet it was. What a wonderful way to start our morning! My husband makes a lot more sense than I think he does...

What's on my mind...I've been reading a blog of a woman who has two children and is about to adopt two more. It's the most similar to my own situation of any I've found, so I'm intensely interested. One of the things she brought up was attachment disorders, which I've heard of. However, she obviously has read some things or heard some things I haven't, because she mentioned not hugging the little girl back when the girl gave her a hug. I was confused and thought that sounded a bit cold. But then I gave it more thought. My little ones have been giving me hugs and saying "I love you" since the very first day. I've been doing the same thing. But in doing so, have I confused them? Do they really have any idea what love truly is? Bubbles says every day, many times a day, "I love you Mommy" to which I reply "I love you too Sweetheart" to which she replies "I love you more!" and I reply "I don't know about that." It's a game, said in a sing-song voice, always the same way. If I answer anything different than usual, I can tell it bothers her. It's comforting to her that I always reply the same way. But since I've been thinking about it, I've realized that she never just comes up for a hug and seriously says, "I love you."

I think I'm finally getting to the meat of what disturbs me. My two little ones show affection, but that is all it is, a show. There isn't any warmth to it. They are mimicking what they see. If one of them comes to me for a hug, and the other one sees it, they are right there making sure they get one too. It's a competition for attention, but not for love. I mean, I know that love is what they truly want but they don't even know what they are trying to get, because they are so young and they've never experienced true love before. Can anyone follow what I'm trying to say? My relationships with them feel empty. I'm teaching them grammar and pronunciation and math and manners and respect...but am I teaching them love? If I am it is just through my daily living, and it isn't something purposeful. I mean I'm showing them affection and telling them I love them, but am I missing something or leaving something out? Should I be doing something different? Or do I just need to be patient and realize that it will all take time? I don't know.

I do think that with Bucky gone this week, it has given Babygirl a better change to bond with Blondie and Bubbles. Normally the little ones spend most of their time playing with Bucky. He's closer to their age and enjoys playing video games with them. I got a nice warm fuzzy Tuesday night while I heard Babygirl showing the girls how to give a "sister kiss" which was to press their cheeks together and go "mwah" (insert kiss sound here). Then she picked up one on her back and one on her front, and that was so cute I had to take a picture.

She really has spent more quality time with them this week. I hate when one of my children is gone, but it also allows some bonding time with the members of the family that are still at home.
You could also say a prayer for our finances. We currently have two empty rent houses and another that we just had to evict today. I hope God sends some paying tenants soon.

Oh, and one other warm fuzzy....Ninety-nine percent of the time Blondie and Bubbles call me Mommy, but very, very occasionally they call me Mama, and I love it. I can't explain why I like it so much, it's just more personal or warm or something.

Just for Funsies...

1. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your father's side, your favorite candy): Lucile Heath

2. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name followed by izzle", first two or three letters of your last name follwowed by "dizzle"): Sizzle Cadizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Cat

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your name- last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name repeated twice): Sunris Gab Gab

5. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive): The Red Sienna

The Truth?

Yesterday I got a comment from QueenBee asking me how I'm doing.

I've been mulling over my answer. Which answer should I give? The good one, the bad one, or both?

It's hard to bond with them. I've done a lot of thinking about it, trying to discover "why". I've done a lot of praying about it, asking God to give me the agape love for them that He has for them.

The truth is, it isn't the way I expected it to be or the way I wanted it to be. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I would be stronger and more able to rise above my feelings than I have been.

Here's what I think: When I gave birth, I had little helpless innocent babies who needed me 100% of the time. We spent endless hours together, nonstop, with me taking care of their every need, and them learning to depend on me to be there.

It isn't, and can't be, like that with older kids. They don't need or even want you 100% of the time. It's hard to view them as innocent while they lie and disobey at every turn. Of course I can see the big picture, and I know WHY they are the way they are. But try living with the lying and disobedience, minute by minute by minute, for the last seven months.

A big part of the frustration is not knowing the truth. They fuss and argue every time they are alone, and then they run to us to tattle, each with a completely different story of what happened. How do you discipline that? One of them, or more likely both, was being selfish and disrespectful. We question them, and their stories change each time they tell it. At times I want to pull out my hair, and I ask myself why on earth I ever wanted to do this. But would I ever want to send them away? Not in a million years.

I've found that I really like them the best when I have them one at a time. They are no fun when they are together, but very sweet when they are on their own. It's made me regret taking a sibling group just a bit. They do bring the awful family dynamics from their former home with them. And other things that I can't/won't even discuss here.

How am I doing? I'm disappointed, hopeful, and trying to just be patient.

I'm hanging onto Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (and in the song it ends with "Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.")

I have to trust that God called me to this, and know that only with His help will I be able to be successful in the job He has called me to.

Adopted

The adoption went off without a hitch. In fact, we were the first in line at 1pm. I'm going to break my privacy streak and post some pictures. These will be removed in a day or two so be sure to comment and let me know when you've seen them. I want to be sure that my longtime blog friends have had a chance to see how beautiful my children looked.

Here is a picture of the courthouse that I took while we were waiting to get started:

And here is a picture of my beautiful children:

And here is one of me fighting back tears as we stand before the judge promising to be legally and morally responsible for our new daughters:
And here is one with the judge, our first as a "forever family":

And finally, here is the one that I plan to put in the engraved frame that our social worker so kindly gifted me with after the proceedings:

Note: Pictures have been removed to preserve our privacy. If you wish to see the pictures, leave your email address on the comments and I might send some to you. ;)

Adoption Day Prep

We've had a good morning so far. Because it's adoption day, I let the girls stay home from school today. Babygirl and Bucky both went to school for half days because they have test preparations for the end of school and for fun day. I didn't have to make any lunches because we are heading to Cici's to celebrate after the adoption is final. Then Bucky has a slumber party tonight. We almost didn't let him go, but then he probably would have been moping around all night, and that wouldn't be a very good start for us as a family, with him being resentful and Blondie and Bubbles seeing how clearly unhappy he was.

This morning when I woke up the girls, Blondie tattled on Bubbles. Bubbles lied. I took her in another room instead of making a big ordeal of it in front of everyone. I explained to her that when people lie to each other, they build a wall between them that is full of lies. I told her that when she lies to me it proves to me that she doesn't trust me, and it also proves to me that I can't trust her. I told her that wasn't a good way to start out our adoption day. She immediately confessed. I think that is showing improvement. When she got up on Mother's Day, she told me that she was going to break the bad streak and be good all day for me, and she did. She hasn't done anything blogworthy since. :) Blondie had a bad day on Monday, and her teacher wrote a whole book about it in her folder. She had to write sentences and go to bed early that night, and she's had several little outbursts this week, but all in all nothing terrible.

Bucky woke up quiet and staring out the window several times this morning. I spoke to him a couple of times and he didn't respond until I repeated myself. I could tell something was wrong. He didn't want to tell me. I took him in another room and pressed the issue. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if something had happened the night before, because he talks on the phone to his friends a lot at night. I was having trouble figuring him out, because usually he is bouncing off the walls when he is headed to a slumber party. Then it struck me. Today is adoption day, and maybe that was bothering him. When he came down the stairs, I was seated between Blondie and Bubbles having breakfast, and he always wants to sit next to me at the table. Normally I don't even eat breakfast, but since today is a special day I was making the effort and I'm sure he noticed.

Anyway, he admitted that he was upset because of adoption day. I had mixed feelings. I want him to welcome the girls with open arms, but clearly that is not what he is feeling today. My heart also went out to him because I know it is hard to go from being the baby of the family for twelve years to having two troublesome little sisters. Babygirl and Bucky have both remarked that they don't even like coming home anymore because the girls cause so much trouble.

I reassured Bucky that we will always love him just as much as we always have, and that he isn't losing anything. In fact I have more time to spend with him now than I ever have since I've been staying home. I told him that if we hadn't adopted the girls I'd still be working and he'd still have a lot less time with me than he does now.

After we talked he perked up. I asked him to please keep any gloominess to himself for the sake of the girls, because they just don't need to see that. He said that of course he would.

Blondie and Bubbles and I have been getting ready to go see the judge. We're freshly showered, hair dried, and toenails and fingernails painted this morning. I'm getting ready now and I'm going to curl the girls' hair when I'm finished. The camera battery is charging and the girls are playing Mario Kart on the Gamecube.

Boaz went to work this morning and is going to meet us at the courthouse. It's gonna be a great day.

Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles

Today she took my flylady timer (www.flylady.net) and buried it in a bucket of compost to be used on the garden. I saw it when I dumped the bucket in the cucumber patch. As I cleaned the dirt off of it, I asked her why she did it, and she said she had just wanted to play with it.

I think she's having some issues with the adoption right around the corner. I've heard that kids will frequently act out right before the finalization because they want you to prove that no matter how bad they act, you still love them and want them.

I talked to her and told her the very same (that I love her and she is my daughter forever no matter what), and then she had to write sentences and go to bed early. I really hope she straightens up soon.

Why Oh Why

Bubbles had just finished her sentences last night. She was helping put away clothes and we were having a great time. We were getting dinner ready, and planning to play Mario Cart and do some bible drills after supper. Blondie was working to finish her sentences so she could participate too.

Bubbles was playing with a little doll toy, and I asked her to go put it away in her room. Then as she was putting away some clothes, I felt the urge to go and check her folder. When I looked in her backpack, I found the little doll toy I'd asked her to put away not five minutes ago. The problem with it being in her backpack is twofold. First of all, I asked her to put it away in her room and she didn't do it. Secondly, and more important, she was grounded from taking any toys to school for the rest of the year because she gets in trouble at school with the toys she brings.

I decided to give her a chance to tell the truth. I called her to come to me, and I pointedly asked her what she did with the little doll. She told me that she put it away. I asked her where, and she said she took it upstairs and put it in her room. I pressed for more details and she said she put it under her bed. Her backpack was downstairs.

So then I asked her how it got in her backpack if she took it upstairs and put it under her bed in her room. She said, "Oh.....um.....well, I think I meant to put it on the floor." Then she said, "Well, I thought I put it in my room" and then "I was trying to put it on the floor". Finally after I continued to press her, she told me that she put it in her backpack because she was trying to sneak it to school, which of course I already knew.

Ironically, our church is working on obedience for the theme of the month. I'm really glad, because we really need it! Bubbles had to have a sandwich and go to bed early for that outright disobedience.

Fast forward to this morning. I went upstairs to wake up the girls and choose their clothes for the day. Blondie's shirt had been crammed between the clothes with no hanger, on her side of the closet. I questioned Blondie about it and I could tell that she was genuinely puzzled, or at least it really seemed like she was. However, both girls lie to me every day, so it can be really hard to tell. I looked over at Bubbles where she was waiting and she looked me right in the eye with a very serious face and said she didn't do it. Something on her face told me she was lying, but I couldn't be completely sure.

Today was field day at school. I told the girls that whoever put the shirt in the closet that way just needed to tell me so that we could move on about our day. However, we were going to stand there until they told me. Blondie started to cry and kept protesting her innocence. Bubbles stood quietly with no expression and never said a word. I told the girls that time was passing and that we needed to have breakfast and baths and wouldn't have time for everything if we didn't get past this. I told them if we kept it up, we would even miss field day. We continued to stand there for ten minutes or so, with me explaining that it was just a shirt that wasn't hung up in the closet, and that there was nothing to fear from me. Finally, I decided to take it downstairs. We went down in the kitchen and I started making lunches for my kids. After a full twenty minutes or so, Bubbles finally confessed. She told me that she had taken Blondie's shirt off the hanger, and stuck it back in the clothes in order to get Blondie in trouble.

I immediately released Blondie so that she could run up and get a shower before school. I had a long discussion with Bubbles about her choices, and the consequences of her choices.

It is so disappointing to see a child already in trouble not learning from her consequences, and just continuing to do things that will get her in more trouble. She's such a sweet little girl, very loving and happy, but she really has trouble with obedience. And now, sadly, I am aware that she is willing to sabottage her sister.

I just feel so defeated sometimes. What does it take to get her to understand that her life will be so much easier and better when she stops fighting us?

Just Ten More Days

You would think that after nearly six months in our home the girls would truly feel like ours. In a way they do, but the fact is that they still belong to the state of Texas right now. We're still being watched to make sure we are taking good care of them, and still being told what we can and can't do in regard to them. It didn't bother me as much in the beginning, but as time goes on and we have really begun to bond as a family, I just want the state out of our lives.

For instance, I haven't taken the girls to therapy since I've had them. I really intended to in the beginning. I even made the appointment. But then because of some weird state laws, we didn't have their Medicaid coverage for the month of December and their therapist didn't accept our regular insurance. So I decided to wait until January. But then we were busy and the girls were doing fine and not having any serious issues. It just wasn't a top priority. I kept meaning to do it and just didn't. So then somehow we got all the way to April getting gentle reminders from our social worker that a visit to the therapist might be helpful (not because she saw any behaviors that worried her, but just because ALL foster kids need constant therapy in her opinion). Finally it came down to the last visit in our home, and I still hadn't taken the girls to see their therapist. After all this time of doing well and not seeing any issues or behaviors that needed addressing, I had pretty much decided that taking them to therapy was unnecessary.

But our social worker disagreed. She called me the next day and said that she had discussed it with her supervisor and they both insisted that I get the girls to therapy before the adoption. That put a little bee in my bonnet. Not because I'm deadset against therapy, but just because I feel that I know the girls better than she does after living with them for six months, and I didn't feel like we needed to go. However, rather than cause a lot of trouble, I just agreed to take them in. My SIL recommends that you choose what hill you want to die on, and this one wasn't it for me.

So I took them to see their therapist to discuss their feelings on the upcoming adoption. Their therapist told me that she could see positive changes in their behavior since she had last seen them six months ago. She said that it was much easier to calm them down, and that they settled down as soon as she asked them to, versus having to ask them over and over like she used to. She also said that she could tell they were sharing and treating each other more respectfully than they had in the past. It was also her opinion that they were not in need of therapy at this time and that we were doing a great job with them.

I felt vindicated. My judgment wasn't off. I took them in because the agency insisted. I didn't want to do anything that might have jeopardized the adoption when we are so close to being finished. In the future, I have no problem taking them to therapy as problems arise. My problem with the whole thing was just in having the decision taken out of my hands. I really am capable of caring effectively for these children.

In ten more days those babies will really be ours, and I think I'll be able to open that last final frontier of my heart that has been waiting for closure. It's really hard for me to love them wholeheartedly with the threat (however minute) that someone could decide to take them away. I'm just so excited to finally close that gap and bond my family together permanently.

May 19th

We have a date. On May 19 at 1pm we will legally become Blondie and Bubbles forever parents. We are actually eligible to adopt them as soon as May 11, but our county courthouse has a special "adoption day" each month, which features balloons, teddie bears, cookies and punch, so we opted to participate in that. Otherwise you might end up with a divorce just before and after your case, and that isn't so pleasant.

I can't believe we are so close. How has six months gone by so quickly? The girls are so entrenched in our lives that it's hard to remember when they weren't here. The only thing that is still hard for me is when I tell people that I have four kids, and I get the inevitable raised eyebrows. One woman, a stranger, even looked my children over and said, "so are you finished now?" It's amazing the way people kind of look down on you for having so many children. The defensive part of me wants to say, "I adopted two of them, silly" but then that would somehow agree with the idiocy of their opinion that I shouldn't have had so many children. I don't get those looks when I only have three of them with me, but people turn up their noses like we're white trash when I have all four of them. Okay, not everybody, but enough that I notice.

I never realized before that it was socially inappropriate to have four children. LOL. And the really funny thing is that people treat us like saints if they know that we adopted them. When I walk through church holding their hands, people watch us go by with ear splitting grins. It's wonderful the way the whole church has basically adopted them with us, but I'm certainly not deserving of the praise they heap on me. We have brought home two precious angels to live with us, even if they do act more like little devils at times. They've come a long way since they moved in.

Anyway, a new countdown is underway. We have eighteen days to go.

Hmmm

I guess I don't understand. From the responses I've gotten, some as comments and some directly to my email, people seem to think I should discourage my son from telling me about Blondie or Bubble's behavior. There is no triad going on with my son, Bubbles and me. There are six of us in this family. My son is just as likely to tell us about Blondie or Bubbles, and he is just as likely to tell my husband or me. If my oldest daughter did something dangerous or stupid, he'd tell us about that too. We expect him to. We have encouraged him to. We should all be looking out for each other's welfare. That said, we have also discouraged him from tattling about every little thing. There are many things he has told us that we have ignored or told him that those were little things that didn't mean much. We don't expect him to know what is a big thing or what is small, so we just let him tell us everything he feels is important and we decide from there.

I really thought that bullying was a big deal, but evidently you guys don't. All you could see was that my son was doing something wrong. Well, I disagree. If one of my children is acting in a threatening manner toward a much smaller child, I need to be told. If one of my children is throwing things off the bus that could cause injury to a person or damage to a vehicle, I need to be told. If one of my children is standing up on the bus, and could be hurt if the bus comes to a sudden stop, I need to be told. I will not discourage my son or any of my children from telling me about harmful behavior.

Incidentally, my son tells us in private about these things.

Bullies?

Okay, I have some idea how to tell my children how to deal with bullies.

But what do you do when YOUR child is the bully?

Yesterday at church, Bubbles got in the face of a 4 year old child (Bubbles is 7) and angrily told her to "get away" because Bubbles wanted the seat that the 4 year old was headed for. She slammed her bible down in the chair and then leaned over the little girl in a menacing way until the girl left, clearly upset. My son witnessed the exchange and reported it right after church.

We made her write sentences, but I doubt that will have much affect. Does anybody have any advice for this situation?

Easter Preparations

With two younger children in the house this year, it was time to decorate Easter eggs and to craft a couple of new Easter baskets. Everyone had fun. We're headed to an Easter picnic this afternoon, and then we have lots of family joining us at our house tomorrow for Easter lunch. We'll be having lots of fun hunting Easter eggs!

Getting Better

I took Bucky to the doctor Monday and she gave him steroids, antibiotics and some decongestant. By sheer force of will (his and mine) he stayed at school all day yesterday. He had to take his inhaler with him to school today, just in case, because he woke up wheezing this morning. He only has asthma when he gets sick, so normally he never needs an inhaler.

Today, I'm on my own again. I finally got the taxes done. I want to get into a routine, at least for the dishes, laundry and making dinner. I have other projects I need to work on, like making/fixing the curtains, gardening, etc. I've decided to go see my grandmother today. I wanted to go last week but I couldn't. I have to get some groceries today, so I'm combining trips to save gas.

Blondie and Bubbles both got in trouble at school on Monday. They came home and told me, and so they each had to write 25 sentences about behaving in school before they could do anything else. Bubbles had sentences left over from the day before, because she colored with sidewalk chalk on the back porch instead of the driveway, even though I told her not to. Then she told Boaz that she didn't remember she wasn't supposed to. That is her standard response to try to get out of trouble, "I forgot" or "I didn't hear you" even when she actually responded at the time. Anyway, she finally finished all her sentences last night.

Our social worker told me that CPS doesn't allow pointless punishments like moving objects from one place to another and then back again, but they do allow things like picking up trash. We have used that punishment when the girls are caught littering, but I like to make the consequences be related to the misbehavior, and it's really hard to do that sometimes. She said that CPS allows sentences, and recommended that we use that. We've been using it, but I don't like it much. And I don't see how it has a point either. I guess it does improve their handwriting, maybe, and it sort of constitutes a long time out.

I'm so proud of the improvements they have both made. Bubbles almost never wets the bed anymore. This is a remarkable improvement from when she arrived on two bedwetting medications and still wetting the bed five nights out of seven. Now neither girl is on any medication, and they don't need any. We have been working on their speech and grammar, and that is making big improvements too. My only struggle there is that Boaz thinks they sound "cute" and fusses at Babygirl when he hears her correcting them. It may be cute for seven and eight year olds not to be able to say "gargle" and "each other" so that it comes out "goggle" and "eashother" but it won't be cute when they are applying for jobs. They have to learn, and the younger they are the easier it will be. This is evidenced by the fact that the younger one, Bubbles, has already made more improvement than Blondie. I attribute this completely to the difference in their ages. Blondie has had longer to form bad habits.

God willing, I'll be home with all of them this summer. I hope to get Blondie and Bubbles a jump start on their school work next year. They've been behind due to no one working with them, but I've already seen a lot of improvement. Blondie could barely spell anything when she came to me in November, and couldn't even repeat the letters back to me right after saying them once. Now, she can run through a list of 20 words and get 16 or 17 of them right the first time, and be spelling the other three or four in about five minutes of working with her. It's amazing how much kids change when they have love and attention and feel secure.

This morning Bubbles told me that after God, she loved me more than anyone in the whole world. She's really a sweet little girl and very complimentary and willing to share. Blondie is a willing helper and loves to be right by your side, helping with whatever you are doing, especially if it is outside. It's so heartwarming to see her most days walking with Boaz out in the yard, watering the trees and other things. She's also a tough little thing. I'm glad she's not squeamish because we'd have a very hard time otherwise with the upcoming shots. She knows the shots will help her grow, and she asks frequently when we are going to start, because she is eager to get bigger.

I'm in a much better frame of mind than I was last week. I was sick last week too, through everything that happened, so that didn't help either. I want to relax and believe that I'm really going to be able to stay home and not go back to work, but right now I'm not really believing it I guess. We really don't have enough money, so I'm going to have to find a way to help out in that area. I just don't want to go back full time. My kids need me, and I need to take care of them. I'm not happy when I don't feel that I'm fulfilling their needs adequately. I still feel like I have so much to do.

So I'd better end this post and get started....

So It's Been A Week So Far

People keep asking me how it's going being a SAHM. Honestly, the first week was awful, but I guess that depends on your expectations. My expectations were different than how it went.

Blondie did stay home with me on Friday. She was sick through the weekend. The bright spot was last Saturday when I went to see my new baby cousin in the hospital. It was my cousin's first baby, and the love in her eyes for the baby really touched me. The maternal instinct is strong and takes over quickly. :)

The week started out okay on Monday. The social worker was scheduled to visit at 4:30 and Blondie had an appointment to find out if she will be on growth hormone shots at 2:45. I rushed around straightening the house and doing dishes. Then I put in a call to the social worker because I was afraid we wouldn't be home before she got here. She called back and we rescheduled the appointment for Tuesday. So I stopped cleaning house and made supper instead. I talked to my best friend and we went over our lessons for our bible study while I chopped onions.

I took Blondie to the doctor and found out that her growth hormone level is so low that she will probably need to take the shots for the rest of her life. Most people get to stop when they are 16. She is scheduled for an MRI next week, and the shots will probably start in about three weeks. The doctor said that the insurance company takes that over from here, and they will send someone to our house with the medication and teach me how to give the shots. It is possible that Boaz will be the one to give her the shot each night, because he used to give himself allergy shots and is less squeamish about the whole thing. I could do it, but I'll gladly step aside if he is willing. :)

On Tuesday, Bucky got sick. I had to pick him up early from school. Bucky has already missed 15 days of school this year, and can only miss 18 days if he wants to pass sixth grade. Fortunately he was there for homeroom and wasn't counted absent. He didn't get well. I had to pick him up right after homeroom every day last week. I'm going to take him to the doctor today. If he doesn't have strep then I'm going to ask them to give him a steroid shot. Usually I hate that type of thing, but the kid isn't getting well. He is weak and has a sore throat. It started out with a stomachache, and he is now congested and just generally feels bad. He has had fever, but it's never been over 99.5. I think it's just some kind of weird virus that won't go away.

On Wednesday night, Bubbles reported a loud noise coming from the garage. Bucky went to check, and it turns out that a pipe had broken and water was pouring into the garage. Boaz ran out and turned it off. We didn't have the necessary equipment to fix it right then. So we took the kids to church, except Bucky who was sick and stayed home, and Boaz went to the hardware store while I checked the kids in. We ate dinner and took the kids home. When we got there with the right parts, Boaz realized that his glue was dried up. Yea! So now we were looking at an entire day without water on Thursday until Boaz could pick up some glue on the way home from work. Yea! Can you tell how excited I was about not having water in the house?

Babygirl, Blondie and Bubbles had to go without baths on Thursday. Fortunately I had one Wednesday, but the girls had theirs on Tuesday. Bucky never bathes anyway...okay, he does, but let's just say bathing isn't high on the priority list for him. I have to harass him to get him clean regularly.

Early Thursday morning I was out at the faucet that comes off the well, filling buckets to bring water into the house. We had to have it to be able to flush the toilets. I won't give the details of the toilet ordeals, but let's just say it wasn't fun. We couldn't even wash our hands much. I would pour some water into the sink and use the stopper, and then everyone would wash in the same water. Eww. You never know what a blessing it is to have running water in your house until you don't have it.

Guess what! Boaz got asked to work late on Thursday! Yea! That meant that the water situation would continue until late that night. Finally, he got home at 9pm and fixed the broken pipe. I was worn out and unhappy about how my first week had gone, and I was really hoping for a nice day on Friday. Then Boaz checked the messages on the phone and there was one from the church secretary asking me to help out at the church on Friday morning. After a big sigh, I decided that I would do it. I thought maybe God was testing me to see if I would really put him first even after a week like I had just had.

So Friday I went up to church and played receptionist. Of course, I had to take a short break to go pick up Bucky from school. There was a loveseat in the church office, and he was able to rest on it and play his Nintendo DS. I also got to eat lunch with a good friend who works at the church, and that was very nice.

I had a pretty good weekend. Babygirl, Bubbles and I planted tomatoes, peppers, corn and flowers while Boaz rode on his tractor, Bucky played games in the house, and Blondie wrote sentences.

Blondie had a very bad day on Friday. She brought home a note from her teacher stating they had had a rough day and that Blondie had been very argumentative with her. Blondie also brought home a sandwich that wasn't hers and tried to hide it from me. We have received complaints from her teacher that she begs other kids for food, so she has been told that she is not allowed to take any food from other kids. I asked Blondie to bring me her backpack so that we could get rid of all the old papers and such, and she removed the sandwich and the part of her lunch that she hadn't eated and left it in the dining room. I happened to walk into the kitchen for something, and I heard a bag rattling in the dining room. I went to check, and there was our cat, Joey, enjoying a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. I knew immediately from both the color of the ziploc bag and the white bread that it didn't come from our home. I asked both girls about it, and both denied that it was theirs, and then Blondie started babbling that it belonged to her friend, but she had no idea how it ended up in her bag, blah, blah, blah. Suddenly I heard rattling again! This time Joey was happily enjoying an orange slice and some cherry tomatoes that Blondie didn't eat.

I called my SIL who is a social worker for advice. Obviously if Blondie is bringing food home, I'm sending enough food in her lunch. So I don't think I need to send m0re food. On the other hand, I don't want to send less food until she doesn't have enough and that increases her need to ask others for their food. My SIL suggested that I ask her each day what fruit she would like and how much of it.

Boaz decided that since Blondie wanted the sandwich so bad that she brought it home, then she had to eat it. We cut off the parts that Joey had nibbled, and Blondie got to eat it while we had homemade burritos. She said that it wasn't very good because it didn't have any jelly on it, and the peanut butter didn't taste as good as ours. She also said that she doesn't want anyone else's food anymore because she wants to eat what we're having. I guess we'll see. I don't know what else to do to keep her from begging for food at school. I know her friends won't like her if she keeps it up, but how can I convince her to stop?

On Sunday we went to church, and then I took Babygirl and Blondie shopping with me for new summer clothes. Bubbles was supposed to go, but she refused to eat her lunch because it included a salad, which resulted in her not being able to go shopping. I told her that she would be tired if she didn't have energy from not eating. She was quite happy to have her salad at dinner time. I guess skipping lunch can even make a salad taste good.

I really hope this week is better.

Three A.M. on my First Day Off

Well here I sit. I've had trouble sleeping for the last week. There are a few reasons I can think of: 1) Nerves over quitting my job 2) I've been lying in bed too long every morning, dreading putting in those last few days at work 3) I haven't been taking my cal-mag supplements that keep my sleep regular.

So anyway, I fully expected to sleep like a baby tonight. Or maybe it was last night by now. Anyway, I woke up at 2:38 and realized my electric blanket was still on, and I was HOT. I'd just had a nightmare about witnessing a head-on collision. I was wide awake. Since I woke up yesterday at 3:45 and disturbed my husband with my tossing and turning, I decided to sneak out quietly, because he has to get up in an hour and go to work all day and really needs his sleep. I had to get my robe from the closet and then I tiptoed to the door and was struggling to open the door without making a sound, when suddenly I hear, "Just go on out and don't come back, I need to get my sleep!" I bit my tongue to keep from retorting that I was doing exactly that, because it would defeat my purpose to wake him up further by fighting with him.

My cat heard me get up and was determined to be let out of the laundry room. He was making quite a racket. My dilemma is that sometimes he tries to open my bedroom door, and that wouldn't really help Boaz sleep if that happens. On the other hand, a yowling door banging cat won't either, so I took the risk. Then the unsatisified cat was determined to be fed. Normally he doesn't eat until 6am, but since cats can't tell time, he decided now was the right time. So he's in there crunching away.

Blondie went to bed with a cold, so I gave her half a dose of nyquil to help her. Evidently it didn't work as well as I had hoped. She was coughing so loud it sounded like she had her mouth open, pointed straight at the bedroom door, putting as much force behind it as she could. I decided to give her some Triaminic Cough & Sore Throat tablets that I have, hoping that would help her sleep for the rest of the night. Halfway up the stairs I had a short debate with myself about whether I should go back down and get her a drink of water. The side that wanted to get the water won out, since it pointed out that if she asks for a drink I'd have to go right back down anyway. So I slipped into Blondie's room with the drink and medicine. She was awake and obviously not feeling well. I gave her the drink first and she gulped away. (Good thing I listened to myself.) Then I gave her the medicine which she chewed up and then she gulped the rest of her water.

So goes the start of my first day off. And it looks like there's a good chance I'll have some company.

Just So Happy

I'm so happy that I'm going to get to stay home. Things are going so smoothly. I've told my parents and my in-laws, and it wasn't nearly as painful as the last time I discussed it with them. The current plan is that I'll stay home for at least six months, and then we'll re-evaluate whether we can continue that or if I need to go back to work. God may have something in store that we don't know about yet, so I'm not making any definite plans. I always have my degree to fall back on if I need to and in the meantime we'll see what opportunities arise.

My mom is keeping Blondie and Bubbles for a few days this week during Spring Break. They have been doing much better than the first time she babysat them. I gave them a stern talk before leaving both mornings this week, plus I've been calling and talking to them on the phone if necessary. However, it's so hard to be stern when I hear those precious little voices on the phone. Too cute!

Babygirl returned home safe and sound from Tennessee last night. She had a great time. We talked for over two hours, with her telling me about her trip and me recounting the days while she was gone. She is such a precious girl and she is growing into a beautiful and wonderful young woman.

I Did It

I came in to work today and gave my two weeks' notice. It's a done deal. My boss took it better than I could have hoped. He told me that HIS wife is quitting HER job too, and he completely understands! That was a big relief.

I'm so happy and full of joy. We bought little tomato and pepper plants, and some flower seeds just for fun. We tilled the garden to get it ready. We can't plant yet because we still may get another freeze.

There were baby chickens at the feed store, and Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles fell in love. We are considering building a chicken coop and raising hens for laying eggs. (Yes, I know it means I'm not a vegan if I eat eggs, and yes I eat eggs sometimes.) Bucky got excited and wants to buy some chickens of his own and sell the eggs for extra money. I wonder how long the excitement will last when he actually has to care for them? Fortunately, I want some chickens too, so I can take care of them if he loses interest. I think he just wants to hold them and play with them, and it will be a little different when they grow up. But we'll see.

We're going on vacation this week! Hooray! I'll post some pictures when we get back.