Posts
I'm still disappointed in my own behavior. Some things have gotten better, but some things are still quite lacking. My relationship with Babygirl has improved immensely since "the talk". She's been hanging around me much more, talking and cuddling up to me.
One of the things the kids do is to fight over who gets to sit next to me at breakfast/lunch/dinner. They came up with a plan that Bubbles sits by me at breakfast, Blondie gets me at lunch and Bucky gets me at dinner. That wasn't really fair at first because they were still in school at the time, so they weren't here at lunch and I almost never eat breakfast. I didn't buck their system though because they all seemed okay with it, and if I had tried to have them all taking turns at dinner Bucky would have had a total meltdown. Now if you notice, I said nothing about Babygirl in this schedule. She didn't demand a spot. She's always been quietly unselfish, hiding her own needs and pretending everything is okay. Recently she claimed a spot next to me at lunch. During breakfast and lunch there are two spots available next to me, and at dinner one spot is claimed by Boaz.
Now for my feelings on all of this. It feels so crazy to be fought over. It feels okay for them to all want to sit by me, but I'm not sure what their motivation is. At times I really feel that it's more about their competition with each other, rather than a true want to be close to me. I know that for Bucky it's about security and possessiveness. He really doesn't want to share me. He does well with playing with Blondie and Bubbles, and they really have a good time. But when it comes to me, he gets very jealous.
So now I think I've swung too far to the other side. I've been trying to fix the problems with my bios and make them more comfortable, and I think I've been neglecting Blondie and Bubbles a bit. Maybe neglect isn't the right word. It's just that I haven't been able to spend much one-on-one time with them. They are certainly fed and bathed and treated kindly and disciplined and tucked in at night, but not much more. So part of the problem right now is that I've been taking care of the squeaky wheels only. Blondie and Bubbles play together or with Bucky, go outside to pet the cats and hang out like real members of the family. But they don't complain about me not spending time with them. They always act like everything is perfectly fine. I know that it's not, and it can't be, and I have talked with each of them separately about not pretending, and being available to hear whatever feelings they are having.
Then last weekend, we went to the river to go floating. When we got out, there were a million people there, all smoking, drinking, cussing and being loud. (We had to wait there for the bus to take us back to our cars.) I noticed that Bubbles got very quiet and hung her head for nearly the entire time. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she just said she was hungry. Even though I put my arm around her and kept her close to me and asked her frequently if she was really okay, she kept saying she was fine. When we got back to the house, I made a point to get her alone and talk to her about it. I asked her if being around those other people reminded her of anything. She said no. I asked if it reminded her of being around her bio parents. She said no. She said that when she lived with her bios she "had a blast". Whoa, nelly. I know that's not true. I asked her what it was like, and she said that she colored with crayons and watched movies on TV. FYI - that is what she does at our house. Another time she told me that when she lived with her bios, the daddy went to work and the kids rode the bus to school. Again, that is describing our house, NOT the bios. I gently told her that what she said wasn't true, and she was describing our house. I told her about what she had said before about riding the bus, and she claimed she never said that. She wanted to know WHEN she said that. I've heard about kids being in denial about their past and what it was like to live with their bio parents, and then suddenly there it was. It has to be so hard for her. She was very small when she left them, so she probably doesn't even remember what it was really like. She even told me once a few weeks ago that it would have been better there if CPS had let her go back, because her bio parents were going to change, they promised her they would. It's just so heartbreaking. All this time she's just been thinking that the bios just needed another chance. Never mind the fact that they didn't do their training or change their behavior or even show up to court. I used the opportunity to explain to her that the reason she didn't go back to them is because they didn't change, and they weren't going to, and that's why CPS decided to take them away permanently. But the girls don't believe what I say.
For example, Blondie was using shower gel in her hair. I told her not to, and that shampoo goes in hair, not shower gel. She continued to do it for weeks. I couldn't figure out why her hair was so lifeless and almost gluey. Finally she confessed about the shower gel, when it seemed I was ready to do a full investigation. I asked her why she continued to put it in her hair after I told her not to, and she said she didn't believe me that it mattered. Sigh. She also didn't believe me when I told her that the million dollar bill that her friend brought to school and showed her WASN'T REAL. She went right off to tell Boaz about it. He also told her it wasn't real, and it was obvious from her face that she didn't believe either one of us. I'm really just not used to this. My bios have almost hero-worshipped me from birth, they believe every word I tell them and come to me for answers I don't even have. I sort of expected that it would be the same way with Blondie and Bubbles. I can see now that was unrealistic. They believe NOTHING we say. They pretend to, but then they go off and do whatever they want. It's surprising and frustrating for them not to believe the simple things I tell them about life. When will that change? How can I raise them right if they don't believe a word I say?
Anyway, back to the feelings thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm making too much of it. I know it all takes time. But when will my feelings for them grow to where I want them to be? I certainly care for them. It's just not the same thing I feel for my bios. I really think if I didn't have the bios, I would feel more for Blondie and Bubbles. I could be wrong there, since I haven't experienced it both ways. It's just that I feel the difference, and I don't want there to BE a difference, but there just IS. It's not fair to my littles ones. They've already been through so much, and it's just not fair for me not to love them the way they need.
I have noticed that when I do spend time alone with them, my softer feelings for them come to the fore. It's just that it's few and far between. I really need to work on that. But then there's that complication of my bios' jealousy. This balancing act is killing me.
I'm continuing to pray that God will give me an agape love for them, just like the way He loves them. I know it will happen eventually, but I'm impatient. I really didn't expect this. I guess it was very unrealistic, but I thought my feelings for them would be the same as I have for my bios by now.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Thinking of Gawdessness
I can relate to so many of her feelings right now. Especially the one about Turtle Girl. During the process of bringing the new girls home, the attitudes and feelings of my biological children was the hardest on me. Even my stalwart oldest daughter who had been gung-ho about the adoption from the first, was looking at me like her life had just been destroyed, and my son was looking at me with tears welling in his eyes. I think it's the hardest on the baby of the family. Then again, my oldest was just hiding and swallowing her feelings on it until recently.
This adoption thing is a HUGE sacrifice. Yes, I knew that going in, and yes, they all warned me, but it's bigger than you expect. I'd still do it all over again, but I would attend to my biological children's needs in the beginning a little better than I did. In the swirl of trying to incorporate the new kids and make them feel comfortable, I expected my bios to just understand and wait a few weeks to have me close again. I think it hurt them more than I knew. They felt pushed aside and replaced. I had two mild anxiety attacks the week we brought them home. Both of them were caused by my feelings for my bios.
Babygirl has been acting out in anger, suddenly, in the past few months. It is unlike her. After the third episode, which involved hitting her brother, I sat with her in her room for a couple of hours, trying to understand what was going on. I know that anger comes from hurt, so I was very concerned to find out how she was hurting.
And it was all about me.
Even as a working mom that was run ragged, I have always put my children first. Babygirl and Bucky have always known I was there for them, RIGHT THERE, any time they needed me. All Babygirl had to do was walk in with a sad face, and she could reasonably expect her mom to drop literally everything until she’d had a chance to let it all out and be comforted/advised/whatever. Then Blondie and Bubbles moved in, and suddenly, Babygirl had to wait her turn, and it didn’t go over well at all. She complained several times a day in those first few weeks that I wasn’t listening to her. I tried to tell her that she needed to wait until she had my attention before she started talking. She’s never had to do that before. She felt replaced.
She made a comment in the first few weeks about trying to need me less, and praying for God to help her need me less. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, and I didn’t pursue it. So it grew. And it finally erupted.
I had a long, tearful conversation with her in which she again said that she was trying not to need me, and had been doing so ever since the girls moved in. I responded to her that she would always need me and to just stop trying not to. I assured her that I’m as much here for her now as I’ve always been. I told her that she’ll need me when she gets married and when she has a baby. I told her that girls always need their mothers, and it never goes away. I’m 37 years old and there are still times when I need my mother.
Bringing home new kids is so freaking hard. So much bigger than I understood. Because suddenly you have these two new kids who are just two black holes of need, but then your bios suddenly have bigger needs than ever before too. As an adult you expect them to understand like you do, that the extra attention you are giving the new kids will even out as they adjust and become part of the family, but they don’t. They feel deserted, replaced and forgotten. At least if you do it the way I did. Though in retrospect, I don’t know how I physically could have done it better. I was working full time and suddenly had four kids and I only had about three hours, sometimes two, to spend with them, and that included eating, homework, baths, etc. Spending any time with Boaz was out of the question completely.
Then on top of that, both Boaz and I were at our wits’ end trying to discipline the younger kids. We were supremely frustrated with the results of the discipline tools we were allowed to use. Time-out worked slightly, at best. Looking back, I just think the problem was bigger than I was, but somehome I muddled through. Quitting my job was the best thing I could have done, family-wise, but financially it isn’t so hot. That money thing will still have to be attended to soon, but in the family sense we are doing SO much better. I’m much more aware of my bios now, very similar to before the little girls came. And I’m able to spend more quality time with the little ones. And even Boaz has gotten some attention. :)
But here I was, thinking everything was better, when suddenly Babygirl has the fallout. I think/hope/pray that we are on the way to recovery with her. I think we reconnected. I stayed up late with her every night this week while Bucky was gone watching favorite movies and eating popcorn and cuddling. I’ve tried to be more purposeful about paying attention to her. I’ve tried so hard not to play favorites with my bios in the past several months, but maybe I overdid it.
This whole thing is very, very, very hard. But I still believe it’s the right thing to do. And I believe that because I think in time we will all be bonded as a family, and our little daughters will become the beautiful young women God created them to be, and my bios will see that they haven’t lost their mom, and I will be the better for having answered God’s call and made the necessary sacrifices. If it never got any better than it was those first few weeks, then I would tell everyone who already has kids to not even consider adopting. But we're getting better, day by day. I don't know what the future holds, but I haven't given up hope.
And some day we just might do it again. But the nice thing about it will be that our eyes will be wide open, and it won’t be like getting hit by a freight train again.
This adoption thing is a HUGE sacrifice. Yes, I knew that going in, and yes, they all warned me, but it's bigger than you expect. I'd still do it all over again, but I would attend to my biological children's needs in the beginning a little better than I did. In the swirl of trying to incorporate the new kids and make them feel comfortable, I expected my bios to just understand and wait a few weeks to have me close again. I think it hurt them more than I knew. They felt pushed aside and replaced. I had two mild anxiety attacks the week we brought them home. Both of them were caused by my feelings for my bios.
Babygirl has been acting out in anger, suddenly, in the past few months. It is unlike her. After the third episode, which involved hitting her brother, I sat with her in her room for a couple of hours, trying to understand what was going on. I know that anger comes from hurt, so I was very concerned to find out how she was hurting.
And it was all about me.
Even as a working mom that was run ragged, I have always put my children first. Babygirl and Bucky have always known I was there for them, RIGHT THERE, any time they needed me. All Babygirl had to do was walk in with a sad face, and she could reasonably expect her mom to drop literally everything until she’d had a chance to let it all out and be comforted/advised/whatever. Then Blondie and Bubbles moved in, and suddenly, Babygirl had to wait her turn, and it didn’t go over well at all. She complained several times a day in those first few weeks that I wasn’t listening to her. I tried to tell her that she needed to wait until she had my attention before she started talking. She’s never had to do that before. She felt replaced.
She made a comment in the first few weeks about trying to need me less, and praying for God to help her need me less. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, and I didn’t pursue it. So it grew. And it finally erupted.
I had a long, tearful conversation with her in which she again said that she was trying not to need me, and had been doing so ever since the girls moved in. I responded to her that she would always need me and to just stop trying not to. I assured her that I’m as much here for her now as I’ve always been. I told her that she’ll need me when she gets married and when she has a baby. I told her that girls always need their mothers, and it never goes away. I’m 37 years old and there are still times when I need my mother.
Bringing home new kids is so freaking hard. So much bigger than I understood. Because suddenly you have these two new kids who are just two black holes of need, but then your bios suddenly have bigger needs than ever before too. As an adult you expect them to understand like you do, that the extra attention you are giving the new kids will even out as they adjust and become part of the family, but they don’t. They feel deserted, replaced and forgotten. At least if you do it the way I did. Though in retrospect, I don’t know how I physically could have done it better. I was working full time and suddenly had four kids and I only had about three hours, sometimes two, to spend with them, and that included eating, homework, baths, etc. Spending any time with Boaz was out of the question completely.
Then on top of that, both Boaz and I were at our wits’ end trying to discipline the younger kids. We were supremely frustrated with the results of the discipline tools we were allowed to use. Time-out worked slightly, at best. Looking back, I just think the problem was bigger than I was, but somehome I muddled through. Quitting my job was the best thing I could have done, family-wise, but financially it isn’t so hot. That money thing will still have to be attended to soon, but in the family sense we are doing SO much better. I’m much more aware of my bios now, very similar to before the little girls came. And I’m able to spend more quality time with the little ones. And even Boaz has gotten some attention. :)
But here I was, thinking everything was better, when suddenly Babygirl has the fallout. I think/hope/pray that we are on the way to recovery with her. I think we reconnected. I stayed up late with her every night this week while Bucky was gone watching favorite movies and eating popcorn and cuddling. I’ve tried to be more purposeful about paying attention to her. I’ve tried so hard not to play favorites with my bios in the past several months, but maybe I overdid it.
This whole thing is very, very, very hard. But I still believe it’s the right thing to do. And I believe that because I think in time we will all be bonded as a family, and our little daughters will become the beautiful young women God created them to be, and my bios will see that they haven’t lost their mom, and I will be the better for having answered God’s call and made the necessary sacrifices. If it never got any better than it was those first few weeks, then I would tell everyone who already has kids to not even consider adopting. But we're getting better, day by day. I don't know what the future holds, but I haven't given up hope.
And some day we just might do it again. But the nice thing about it will be that our eyes will be wide open, and it won’t be like getting hit by a freight train again.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Response
Okay, I've heard your cries for relief, so I'll blog today.
Tamara asked if there were any fun stories or warm fuzzies, and there are. For instance, two nights ago Blondie left the water running, and Boaz wanted to talk to her about it. He asked her if she knew where the water came from before it got in the house. She said it came from the lake and he said no. Then she said it came from the well, and he told her that was right. Then he asked her if she knew what a well was....can you guess what she said....she said it was a big fish. HAHAHA Okay, that stopped us all for a while. Both my little ones tend to pronounce things like tail as "tell" and whale as "well". Boaz probed a bit more and Blondie told him she thought that the water came from a whale in the ocean, very far away, and the water we get comes from his spout. That's so funny I can barely type it.
We proceeded to teach her what a well really is.
As for warm fuzzies, I really experienced a good one a couple of days ago. I finally sat down and created my control journal, ala flylady.net, and the first thing on the list every day is bible study. I showed this journal to Boaz, and he loved that we were all doing bible study together every morning. I corrected him and told him no, that only referred to ME doing MY bible study. He felt that it should be all of us. I raised my eyebrows but agreed to it. The warm fuzzy came the next day as I sat at the kitchen table with my three daughters (my son is away at camp this week). As we all opened our bibles and began to quietly read, I was struck by how sweet it was. What a wonderful way to start our morning! My husband makes a lot more sense than I think he does...
What's on my mind...I've been reading a blog of a woman who has two children and is about to adopt two more. It's the most similar to my own situation of any I've found, so I'm intensely interested. One of the things she brought up was attachment disorders, which I've heard of. However, she obviously has read some things or heard some things I haven't, because she mentioned not hugging the little girl back when the girl gave her a hug. I was confused and thought that sounded a bit cold. But then I gave it more thought. My little ones have been giving me hugs and saying "I love you" since the very first day. I've been doing the same thing. But in doing so, have I confused them? Do they really have any idea what love truly is? Bubbles says every day, many times a day, "I love you Mommy" to which I reply "I love you too Sweetheart" to which she replies "I love you more!" and I reply "I don't know about that." It's a game, said in a sing-song voice, always the same way. If I answer anything different than usual, I can tell it bothers her. It's comforting to her that I always reply the same way. But since I've been thinking about it, I've realized that she never just comes up for a hug and seriously says, "I love you."
I think I'm finally getting to the meat of what disturbs me. My two little ones show affection, but that is all it is, a show. There isn't any warmth to it. They are mimicking what they see. If one of them comes to me for a hug, and the other one sees it, they are right there making sure they get one too. It's a competition for attention, but not for love. I mean, I know that love is what they truly want but they don't even know what they are trying to get, because they are so young and they've never experienced true love before. Can anyone follow what I'm trying to say? My relationships with them feel empty. I'm teaching them grammar and pronunciation and math and manners and respect...but am I teaching them love? If I am it is just through my daily living, and it isn't something purposeful. I mean I'm showing them affection and telling them I love them, but am I missing something or leaving something out? Should I be doing something different? Or do I just need to be patient and realize that it will all take time? I don't know.
I do think that with Bucky gone this week, it has given Babygirl a better change to bond with Blondie and Bubbles. Normally the little ones spend most of their time playing with Bucky. He's closer to their age and enjoys playing video games with them. I got a nice warm fuzzy Tuesday night while I heard Babygirl showing the girls how to give a "sister kiss" which was to press their cheeks together and go "mwah" (insert kiss sound here). Then she picked up one on her back and one on her front, and that was so cute I had to take a picture.
She really has spent more quality time with them this week. I hate when one of my children is gone, but it also allows some bonding time with the members of the family that are still at home.
You could also say a prayer for our finances. We currently have two empty rent houses and another that we just had to evict today. I hope God sends some paying tenants soon.
Oh, and one other warm fuzzy....Ninety-nine percent of the time Blondie and Bubbles call me Mommy, but very, very occasionally they call me Mama, and I love it. I can't explain why I like it so much, it's just more personal or warm or something.
Tamara asked if there were any fun stories or warm fuzzies, and there are. For instance, two nights ago Blondie left the water running, and Boaz wanted to talk to her about it. He asked her if she knew where the water came from before it got in the house. She said it came from the lake and he said no. Then she said it came from the well, and he told her that was right. Then he asked her if she knew what a well was....can you guess what she said....she said it was a big fish. HAHAHA Okay, that stopped us all for a while. Both my little ones tend to pronounce things like tail as "tell" and whale as "well". Boaz probed a bit more and Blondie told him she thought that the water came from a whale in the ocean, very far away, and the water we get comes from his spout. That's so funny I can barely type it.
We proceeded to teach her what a well really is.
As for warm fuzzies, I really experienced a good one a couple of days ago. I finally sat down and created my control journal, ala flylady.net, and the first thing on the list every day is bible study. I showed this journal to Boaz, and he loved that we were all doing bible study together every morning. I corrected him and told him no, that only referred to ME doing MY bible study. He felt that it should be all of us. I raised my eyebrows but agreed to it. The warm fuzzy came the next day as I sat at the kitchen table with my three daughters (my son is away at camp this week). As we all opened our bibles and began to quietly read, I was struck by how sweet it was. What a wonderful way to start our morning! My husband makes a lot more sense than I think he does...
What's on my mind...I've been reading a blog of a woman who has two children and is about to adopt two more. It's the most similar to my own situation of any I've found, so I'm intensely interested. One of the things she brought up was attachment disorders, which I've heard of. However, she obviously has read some things or heard some things I haven't, because she mentioned not hugging the little girl back when the girl gave her a hug. I was confused and thought that sounded a bit cold. But then I gave it more thought. My little ones have been giving me hugs and saying "I love you" since the very first day. I've been doing the same thing. But in doing so, have I confused them? Do they really have any idea what love truly is? Bubbles says every day, many times a day, "I love you Mommy" to which I reply "I love you too Sweetheart" to which she replies "I love you more!" and I reply "I don't know about that." It's a game, said in a sing-song voice, always the same way. If I answer anything different than usual, I can tell it bothers her. It's comforting to her that I always reply the same way. But since I've been thinking about it, I've realized that she never just comes up for a hug and seriously says, "I love you."
I think I'm finally getting to the meat of what disturbs me. My two little ones show affection, but that is all it is, a show. There isn't any warmth to it. They are mimicking what they see. If one of them comes to me for a hug, and the other one sees it, they are right there making sure they get one too. It's a competition for attention, but not for love. I mean, I know that love is what they truly want but they don't even know what they are trying to get, because they are so young and they've never experienced true love before. Can anyone follow what I'm trying to say? My relationships with them feel empty. I'm teaching them grammar and pronunciation and math and manners and respect...but am I teaching them love? If I am it is just through my daily living, and it isn't something purposeful. I mean I'm showing them affection and telling them I love them, but am I missing something or leaving something out? Should I be doing something different? Or do I just need to be patient and realize that it will all take time? I don't know.
I do think that with Bucky gone this week, it has given Babygirl a better change to bond with Blondie and Bubbles. Normally the little ones spend most of their time playing with Bucky. He's closer to their age and enjoys playing video games with them. I got a nice warm fuzzy Tuesday night while I heard Babygirl showing the girls how to give a "sister kiss" which was to press their cheeks together and go "mwah" (insert kiss sound here). Then she picked up one on her back and one on her front, and that was so cute I had to take a picture.
She really has spent more quality time with them this week. I hate when one of my children is gone, but it also allows some bonding time with the members of the family that are still at home.
You could also say a prayer for our finances. We currently have two empty rent houses and another that we just had to evict today. I hope God sends some paying tenants soon.
Oh, and one other warm fuzzy....Ninety-nine percent of the time Blondie and Bubbles call me Mommy, but very, very occasionally they call me Mama, and I love it. I can't explain why I like it so much, it's just more personal or warm or something.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Just for Funsies...
1. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your father's side, your favorite candy): Lucile Heath
2. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name followed by izzle", first two or three letters of your last name follwowed by "dizzle"): Sizzle Cadizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Cat
4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your name- last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name repeated twice): Sunris Gab Gab
5. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive): The Red Sienna
2. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name followed by izzle", first two or three letters of your last name follwowed by "dizzle"): Sizzle Cadizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Cat
4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your name- last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name repeated twice): Sunris Gab Gab
5. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive): The Red Sienna
Friday, June 09, 2006
The Truth?
Yesterday I got a comment from QueenBee asking me how I'm doing.
I've been mulling over my answer. Which answer should I give? The good one, the bad one, or both?
It's hard to bond with them. I've done a lot of thinking about it, trying to discover "why". I've done a lot of praying about it, asking God to give me the agape love for them that He has for them.
The truth is, it isn't the way I expected it to be or the way I wanted it to be. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I would be stronger and more able to rise above my feelings than I have been.
Here's what I think: When I gave birth, I had little helpless innocent babies who needed me 100% of the time. We spent endless hours together, nonstop, with me taking care of their every need, and them learning to depend on me to be there.
It isn't, and can't be, like that with older kids. They don't need or even want you 100% of the time. It's hard to view them as innocent while they lie and disobey at every turn. Of course I can see the big picture, and I know WHY they are the way they are. But try living with the lying and disobedience, minute by minute by minute, for the last seven months.
A big part of the frustration is not knowing the truth. They fuss and argue every time they are alone, and then they run to us to tattle, each with a completely different story of what happened. How do you discipline that? One of them, or more likely both, was being selfish and disrespectful. We question them, and their stories change each time they tell it. At times I want to pull out my hair, and I ask myself why on earth I ever wanted to do this. But would I ever want to send them away? Not in a million years.
I've found that I really like them the best when I have them one at a time. They are no fun when they are together, but very sweet when they are on their own. It's made me regret taking a sibling group just a bit. They do bring the awful family dynamics from their former home with them. And other things that I can't/won't even discuss here.
How am I doing? I'm disappointed, hopeful, and trying to just be patient.
I'm hanging onto Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (and in the song it ends with "Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.")
I have to trust that God called me to this, and know that only with His help will I be able to be successful in the job He has called me to.
I've been mulling over my answer. Which answer should I give? The good one, the bad one, or both?
It's hard to bond with them. I've done a lot of thinking about it, trying to discover "why". I've done a lot of praying about it, asking God to give me the agape love for them that He has for them.
The truth is, it isn't the way I expected it to be or the way I wanted it to be. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I would be stronger and more able to rise above my feelings than I have been.
Here's what I think: When I gave birth, I had little helpless innocent babies who needed me 100% of the time. We spent endless hours together, nonstop, with me taking care of their every need, and them learning to depend on me to be there.
It isn't, and can't be, like that with older kids. They don't need or even want you 100% of the time. It's hard to view them as innocent while they lie and disobey at every turn. Of course I can see the big picture, and I know WHY they are the way they are. But try living with the lying and disobedience, minute by minute by minute, for the last seven months.
A big part of the frustration is not knowing the truth. They fuss and argue every time they are alone, and then they run to us to tattle, each with a completely different story of what happened. How do you discipline that? One of them, or more likely both, was being selfish and disrespectful. We question them, and their stories change each time they tell it. At times I want to pull out my hair, and I ask myself why on earth I ever wanted to do this. But would I ever want to send them away? Not in a million years.
I've found that I really like them the best when I have them one at a time. They are no fun when they are together, but very sweet when they are on their own. It's made me regret taking a sibling group just a bit. They do bring the awful family dynamics from their former home with them. And other things that I can't/won't even discuss here.
How am I doing? I'm disappointed, hopeful, and trying to just be patient.
I'm hanging onto Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (and in the song it ends with "Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait.")
I have to trust that God called me to this, and know that only with His help will I be able to be successful in the job He has called me to.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Adopted
The adoption went off without a hitch. In fact, we were the first in line at 1pm. I'm going to break my privacy streak and post some pictures. These will be removed in a day or two so be sure to comment and let me know when you've seen them. I want to be sure that my longtime blog friends have had a chance to see how beautiful my children looked.
Here is a picture of the courthouse that I took while we were waiting to get started:
Here is a picture of the courthouse that I took while we were waiting to get started:
And here is a picture of my beautiful children:
And here is one of me fighting back tears as we stand before the judge promising to be legally and morally responsible for our new daughters:
And here is one with the judge, our first as a "forever family":
And finally, here is the one that I plan to put in the engraved frame that our social worker so kindly gifted me with after the proceedings:
Note: Pictures have been removed to preserve our privacy. If you wish to see the pictures, leave your email address on the comments and I might send some to you. ;)
Friday, May 19, 2006
Adoption Day Prep
We've had a good morning so far. Because it's adoption day, I let the girls stay home from school today. Babygirl and Bucky both went to school for half days because they have test preparations for the end of school and for fun day. I didn't have to make any lunches because we are heading to Cici's to celebrate after the adoption is final. Then Bucky has a slumber party tonight. We almost didn't let him go, but then he probably would have been moping around all night, and that wouldn't be a very good start for us as a family, with him being resentful and Blondie and Bubbles seeing how clearly unhappy he was.
This morning when I woke up the girls, Blondie tattled on Bubbles. Bubbles lied. I took her in another room instead of making a big ordeal of it in front of everyone. I explained to her that when people lie to each other, they build a wall between them that is full of lies. I told her that when she lies to me it proves to me that she doesn't trust me, and it also proves to me that I can't trust her. I told her that wasn't a good way to start out our adoption day. She immediately confessed. I think that is showing improvement. When she got up on Mother's Day, she told me that she was going to break the bad streak and be good all day for me, and she did. She hasn't done anything blogworthy since. :) Blondie had a bad day on Monday, and her teacher wrote a whole book about it in her folder. She had to write sentences and go to bed early that night, and she's had several little outbursts this week, but all in all nothing terrible.
Bucky woke up quiet and staring out the window several times this morning. I spoke to him a couple of times and he didn't respond until I repeated myself. I could tell something was wrong. He didn't want to tell me. I took him in another room and pressed the issue. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if something had happened the night before, because he talks on the phone to his friends a lot at night. I was having trouble figuring him out, because usually he is bouncing off the walls when he is headed to a slumber party. Then it struck me. Today is adoption day, and maybe that was bothering him. When he came down the stairs, I was seated between Blondie and Bubbles having breakfast, and he always wants to sit next to me at the table. Normally I don't even eat breakfast, but since today is a special day I was making the effort and I'm sure he noticed.
Anyway, he admitted that he was upset because of adoption day. I had mixed feelings. I want him to welcome the girls with open arms, but clearly that is not what he is feeling today. My heart also went out to him because I know it is hard to go from being the baby of the family for twelve years to having two troublesome little sisters. Babygirl and Bucky have both remarked that they don't even like coming home anymore because the girls cause so much trouble.
I reassured Bucky that we will always love him just as much as we always have, and that he isn't losing anything. In fact I have more time to spend with him now than I ever have since I've been staying home. I told him that if we hadn't adopted the girls I'd still be working and he'd still have a lot less time with me than he does now.
After we talked he perked up. I asked him to please keep any gloominess to himself for the sake of the girls, because they just don't need to see that. He said that of course he would.
Blondie and Bubbles and I have been getting ready to go see the judge. We're freshly showered, hair dried, and toenails and fingernails painted this morning. I'm getting ready now and I'm going to curl the girls' hair when I'm finished. The camera battery is charging and the girls are playing Mario Kart on the Gamecube.
Boaz went to work this morning and is going to meet us at the courthouse. It's gonna be a great day.
This morning when I woke up the girls, Blondie tattled on Bubbles. Bubbles lied. I took her in another room instead of making a big ordeal of it in front of everyone. I explained to her that when people lie to each other, they build a wall between them that is full of lies. I told her that when she lies to me it proves to me that she doesn't trust me, and it also proves to me that I can't trust her. I told her that wasn't a good way to start out our adoption day. She immediately confessed. I think that is showing improvement. When she got up on Mother's Day, she told me that she was going to break the bad streak and be good all day for me, and she did. She hasn't done anything blogworthy since. :) Blondie had a bad day on Monday, and her teacher wrote a whole book about it in her folder. She had to write sentences and go to bed early that night, and she's had several little outbursts this week, but all in all nothing terrible.
Bucky woke up quiet and staring out the window several times this morning. I spoke to him a couple of times and he didn't respond until I repeated myself. I could tell something was wrong. He didn't want to tell me. I took him in another room and pressed the issue. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if something had happened the night before, because he talks on the phone to his friends a lot at night. I was having trouble figuring him out, because usually he is bouncing off the walls when he is headed to a slumber party. Then it struck me. Today is adoption day, and maybe that was bothering him. When he came down the stairs, I was seated between Blondie and Bubbles having breakfast, and he always wants to sit next to me at the table. Normally I don't even eat breakfast, but since today is a special day I was making the effort and I'm sure he noticed.
Anyway, he admitted that he was upset because of adoption day. I had mixed feelings. I want him to welcome the girls with open arms, but clearly that is not what he is feeling today. My heart also went out to him because I know it is hard to go from being the baby of the family for twelve years to having two troublesome little sisters. Babygirl and Bucky have both remarked that they don't even like coming home anymore because the girls cause so much trouble.
I reassured Bucky that we will always love him just as much as we always have, and that he isn't losing anything. In fact I have more time to spend with him now than I ever have since I've been staying home. I told him that if we hadn't adopted the girls I'd still be working and he'd still have a lot less time with me than he does now.
After we talked he perked up. I asked him to please keep any gloominess to himself for the sake of the girls, because they just don't need to see that. He said that of course he would.
Blondie and Bubbles and I have been getting ready to go see the judge. We're freshly showered, hair dried, and toenails and fingernails painted this morning. I'm getting ready now and I'm going to curl the girls' hair when I'm finished. The camera battery is charging and the girls are playing Mario Kart on the Gamecube.
Boaz went to work this morning and is going to meet us at the courthouse. It's gonna be a great day.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles
Today she took my flylady timer (www.flylady.net) and buried it in a bucket of compost to be used on the garden. I saw it when I dumped the bucket in the cucumber patch. As I cleaned the dirt off of it, I asked her why she did it, and she said she had just wanted to play with it.
I think she's having some issues with the adoption right around the corner. I've heard that kids will frequently act out right before the finalization because they want you to prove that no matter how bad they act, you still love them and want them.
I talked to her and told her the very same (that I love her and she is my daughter forever no matter what), and then she had to write sentences and go to bed early. I really hope she straightens up soon.
I think she's having some issues with the adoption right around the corner. I've heard that kids will frequently act out right before the finalization because they want you to prove that no matter how bad they act, you still love them and want them.
I talked to her and told her the very same (that I love her and she is my daughter forever no matter what), and then she had to write sentences and go to bed early. I really hope she straightens up soon.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Why Oh Why
Bubbles had just finished her sentences last night. She was helping put away clothes and we were having a great time. We were getting dinner ready, and planning to play Mario Cart and do some bible drills after supper. Blondie was working to finish her sentences so she could participate too.
Bubbles was playing with a little doll toy, and I asked her to go put it away in her room. Then as she was putting away some clothes, I felt the urge to go and check her folder. When I looked in her backpack, I found the little doll toy I'd asked her to put away not five minutes ago. The problem with it being in her backpack is twofold. First of all, I asked her to put it away in her room and she didn't do it. Secondly, and more important, she was grounded from taking any toys to school for the rest of the year because she gets in trouble at school with the toys she brings.
I decided to give her a chance to tell the truth. I called her to come to me, and I pointedly asked her what she did with the little doll. She told me that she put it away. I asked her where, and she said she took it upstairs and put it in her room. I pressed for more details and she said she put it under her bed. Her backpack was downstairs.
So then I asked her how it got in her backpack if she took it upstairs and put it under her bed in her room. She said, "Oh.....um.....well, I think I meant to put it on the floor." Then she said, "Well, I thought I put it in my room" and then "I was trying to put it on the floor". Finally after I continued to press her, she told me that she put it in her backpack because she was trying to sneak it to school, which of course I already knew.
Ironically, our church is working on obedience for the theme of the month. I'm really glad, because we really need it! Bubbles had to have a sandwich and go to bed early for that outright disobedience.
Fast forward to this morning. I went upstairs to wake up the girls and choose their clothes for the day. Blondie's shirt had been crammed between the clothes with no hanger, on her side of the closet. I questioned Blondie about it and I could tell that she was genuinely puzzled, or at least it really seemed like she was. However, both girls lie to me every day, so it can be really hard to tell. I looked over at Bubbles where she was waiting and she looked me right in the eye with a very serious face and said she didn't do it. Something on her face told me she was lying, but I couldn't be completely sure.
Today was field day at school. I told the girls that whoever put the shirt in the closet that way just needed to tell me so that we could move on about our day. However, we were going to stand there until they told me. Blondie started to cry and kept protesting her innocence. Bubbles stood quietly with no expression and never said a word. I told the girls that time was passing and that we needed to have breakfast and baths and wouldn't have time for everything if we didn't get past this. I told them if we kept it up, we would even miss field day. We continued to stand there for ten minutes or so, with me explaining that it was just a shirt that wasn't hung up in the closet, and that there was nothing to fear from me. Finally, I decided to take it downstairs. We went down in the kitchen and I started making lunches for my kids. After a full twenty minutes or so, Bubbles finally confessed. She told me that she had taken Blondie's shirt off the hanger, and stuck it back in the clothes in order to get Blondie in trouble.
I immediately released Blondie so that she could run up and get a shower before school. I had a long discussion with Bubbles about her choices, and the consequences of her choices.
It is so disappointing to see a child already in trouble not learning from her consequences, and just continuing to do things that will get her in more trouble. She's such a sweet little girl, very loving and happy, but she really has trouble with obedience. And now, sadly, I am aware that she is willing to sabottage her sister.
I just feel so defeated sometimes. What does it take to get her to understand that her life will be so much easier and better when she stops fighting us?
Bubbles was playing with a little doll toy, and I asked her to go put it away in her room. Then as she was putting away some clothes, I felt the urge to go and check her folder. When I looked in her backpack, I found the little doll toy I'd asked her to put away not five minutes ago. The problem with it being in her backpack is twofold. First of all, I asked her to put it away in her room and she didn't do it. Secondly, and more important, she was grounded from taking any toys to school for the rest of the year because she gets in trouble at school with the toys she brings.
I decided to give her a chance to tell the truth. I called her to come to me, and I pointedly asked her what she did with the little doll. She told me that she put it away. I asked her where, and she said she took it upstairs and put it in her room. I pressed for more details and she said she put it under her bed. Her backpack was downstairs.
So then I asked her how it got in her backpack if she took it upstairs and put it under her bed in her room. She said, "Oh.....um.....well, I think I meant to put it on the floor." Then she said, "Well, I thought I put it in my room" and then "I was trying to put it on the floor". Finally after I continued to press her, she told me that she put it in her backpack because she was trying to sneak it to school, which of course I already knew.
Ironically, our church is working on obedience for the theme of the month. I'm really glad, because we really need it! Bubbles had to have a sandwich and go to bed early for that outright disobedience.
Fast forward to this morning. I went upstairs to wake up the girls and choose their clothes for the day. Blondie's shirt had been crammed between the clothes with no hanger, on her side of the closet. I questioned Blondie about it and I could tell that she was genuinely puzzled, or at least it really seemed like she was. However, both girls lie to me every day, so it can be really hard to tell. I looked over at Bubbles where she was waiting and she looked me right in the eye with a very serious face and said she didn't do it. Something on her face told me she was lying, but I couldn't be completely sure.
Today was field day at school. I told the girls that whoever put the shirt in the closet that way just needed to tell me so that we could move on about our day. However, we were going to stand there until they told me. Blondie started to cry and kept protesting her innocence. Bubbles stood quietly with no expression and never said a word. I told the girls that time was passing and that we needed to have breakfast and baths and wouldn't have time for everything if we didn't get past this. I told them if we kept it up, we would even miss field day. We continued to stand there for ten minutes or so, with me explaining that it was just a shirt that wasn't hung up in the closet, and that there was nothing to fear from me. Finally, I decided to take it downstairs. We went down in the kitchen and I started making lunches for my kids. After a full twenty minutes or so, Bubbles finally confessed. She told me that she had taken Blondie's shirt off the hanger, and stuck it back in the clothes in order to get Blondie in trouble.
I immediately released Blondie so that she could run up and get a shower before school. I had a long discussion with Bubbles about her choices, and the consequences of her choices.
It is so disappointing to see a child already in trouble not learning from her consequences, and just continuing to do things that will get her in more trouble. She's such a sweet little girl, very loving and happy, but she really has trouble with obedience. And now, sadly, I am aware that she is willing to sabottage her sister.
I just feel so defeated sometimes. What does it take to get her to understand that her life will be so much easier and better when she stops fighting us?
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Just Ten More Days
You would think that after nearly six months in our home the girls would truly feel like ours. In a way they do, but the fact is that they still belong to the state of Texas right now. We're still being watched to make sure we are taking good care of them, and still being told what we can and can't do in regard to them. It didn't bother me as much in the beginning, but as time goes on and we have really begun to bond as a family, I just want the state out of our lives.
For instance, I haven't taken the girls to therapy since I've had them. I really intended to in the beginning. I even made the appointment. But then because of some weird state laws, we didn't have their Medicaid coverage for the month of December and their therapist didn't accept our regular insurance. So I decided to wait until January. But then we were busy and the girls were doing fine and not having any serious issues. It just wasn't a top priority. I kept meaning to do it and just didn't. So then somehow we got all the way to April getting gentle reminders from our social worker that a visit to the therapist might be helpful (not because she saw any behaviors that worried her, but just because ALL foster kids need constant therapy in her opinion). Finally it came down to the last visit in our home, and I still hadn't taken the girls to see their therapist. After all this time of doing well and not seeing any issues or behaviors that needed addressing, I had pretty much decided that taking them to therapy was unnecessary.
But our social worker disagreed. She called me the next day and said that she had discussed it with her supervisor and they both insisted that I get the girls to therapy before the adoption. That put a little bee in my bonnet. Not because I'm deadset against therapy, but just because I feel that I know the girls better than she does after living with them for six months, and I didn't feel like we needed to go. However, rather than cause a lot of trouble, I just agreed to take them in. My SIL recommends that you choose what hill you want to die on, and this one wasn't it for me.
So I took them to see their therapist to discuss their feelings on the upcoming adoption. Their therapist told me that she could see positive changes in their behavior since she had last seen them six months ago. She said that it was much easier to calm them down, and that they settled down as soon as she asked them to, versus having to ask them over and over like she used to. She also said that she could tell they were sharing and treating each other more respectfully than they had in the past. It was also her opinion that they were not in need of therapy at this time and that we were doing a great job with them.
I felt vindicated. My judgment wasn't off. I took them in because the agency insisted. I didn't want to do anything that might have jeopardized the adoption when we are so close to being finished. In the future, I have no problem taking them to therapy as problems arise. My problem with the whole thing was just in having the decision taken out of my hands. I really am capable of caring effectively for these children.
In ten more days those babies will really be ours, and I think I'll be able to open that last final frontier of my heart that has been waiting for closure. It's really hard for me to love them wholeheartedly with the threat (however minute) that someone could decide to take them away. I'm just so excited to finally close that gap and bond my family together permanently.
For instance, I haven't taken the girls to therapy since I've had them. I really intended to in the beginning. I even made the appointment. But then because of some weird state laws, we didn't have their Medicaid coverage for the month of December and their therapist didn't accept our regular insurance. So I decided to wait until January. But then we were busy and the girls were doing fine and not having any serious issues. It just wasn't a top priority. I kept meaning to do it and just didn't. So then somehow we got all the way to April getting gentle reminders from our social worker that a visit to the therapist might be helpful (not because she saw any behaviors that worried her, but just because ALL foster kids need constant therapy in her opinion). Finally it came down to the last visit in our home, and I still hadn't taken the girls to see their therapist. After all this time of doing well and not seeing any issues or behaviors that needed addressing, I had pretty much decided that taking them to therapy was unnecessary.
But our social worker disagreed. She called me the next day and said that she had discussed it with her supervisor and they both insisted that I get the girls to therapy before the adoption. That put a little bee in my bonnet. Not because I'm deadset against therapy, but just because I feel that I know the girls better than she does after living with them for six months, and I didn't feel like we needed to go. However, rather than cause a lot of trouble, I just agreed to take them in. My SIL recommends that you choose what hill you want to die on, and this one wasn't it for me.
So I took them to see their therapist to discuss their feelings on the upcoming adoption. Their therapist told me that she could see positive changes in their behavior since she had last seen them six months ago. She said that it was much easier to calm them down, and that they settled down as soon as she asked them to, versus having to ask them over and over like she used to. She also said that she could tell they were sharing and treating each other more respectfully than they had in the past. It was also her opinion that they were not in need of therapy at this time and that we were doing a great job with them.
I felt vindicated. My judgment wasn't off. I took them in because the agency insisted. I didn't want to do anything that might have jeopardized the adoption when we are so close to being finished. In the future, I have no problem taking them to therapy as problems arise. My problem with the whole thing was just in having the decision taken out of my hands. I really am capable of caring effectively for these children.
In ten more days those babies will really be ours, and I think I'll be able to open that last final frontier of my heart that has been waiting for closure. It's really hard for me to love them wholeheartedly with the threat (however minute) that someone could decide to take them away. I'm just so excited to finally close that gap and bond my family together permanently.
Monday, May 01, 2006
May 19th
We have a date. On May 19 at 1pm we will legally become Blondie and Bubbles forever parents. We are actually eligible to adopt them as soon as May 11, but our county courthouse has a special "adoption day" each month, which features balloons, teddie bears, cookies and punch, so we opted to participate in that. Otherwise you might end up with a divorce just before and after your case, and that isn't so pleasant.
I can't believe we are so close. How has six months gone by so quickly? The girls are so entrenched in our lives that it's hard to remember when they weren't here. The only thing that is still hard for me is when I tell people that I have four kids, and I get the inevitable raised eyebrows. One woman, a stranger, even looked my children over and said, "so are you finished now?" It's amazing the way people kind of look down on you for having so many children. The defensive part of me wants to say, "I adopted two of them, silly" but then that would somehow agree with the idiocy of their opinion that I shouldn't have had so many children. I don't get those looks when I only have three of them with me, but people turn up their noses like we're white trash when I have all four of them. Okay, not everybody, but enough that I notice.
I never realized before that it was socially inappropriate to have four children. LOL. And the really funny thing is that people treat us like saints if they know that we adopted them. When I walk through church holding their hands, people watch us go by with ear splitting grins. It's wonderful the way the whole church has basically adopted them with us, but I'm certainly not deserving of the praise they heap on me. We have brought home two precious angels to live with us, even if they do act more like little devils at times. They've come a long way since they moved in.
Anyway, a new countdown is underway. We have eighteen days to go.
I can't believe we are so close. How has six months gone by so quickly? The girls are so entrenched in our lives that it's hard to remember when they weren't here. The only thing that is still hard for me is when I tell people that I have four kids, and I get the inevitable raised eyebrows. One woman, a stranger, even looked my children over and said, "so are you finished now?" It's amazing the way people kind of look down on you for having so many children. The defensive part of me wants to say, "I adopted two of them, silly" but then that would somehow agree with the idiocy of their opinion that I shouldn't have had so many children. I don't get those looks when I only have three of them with me, but people turn up their noses like we're white trash when I have all four of them. Okay, not everybody, but enough that I notice.
I never realized before that it was socially inappropriate to have four children. LOL. And the really funny thing is that people treat us like saints if they know that we adopted them. When I walk through church holding their hands, people watch us go by with ear splitting grins. It's wonderful the way the whole church has basically adopted them with us, but I'm certainly not deserving of the praise they heap on me. We have brought home two precious angels to live with us, even if they do act more like little devils at times. They've come a long way since they moved in.
Anyway, a new countdown is underway. We have eighteen days to go.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Hmmm
I guess I don't understand. From the responses I've gotten, some as comments and some directly to my email, people seem to think I should discourage my son from telling me about Blondie or Bubble's behavior. There is no triad going on with my son, Bubbles and me. There are six of us in this family. My son is just as likely to tell us about Blondie or Bubbles, and he is just as likely to tell my husband or me. If my oldest daughter did something dangerous or stupid, he'd tell us about that too. We expect him to. We have encouraged him to. We should all be looking out for each other's welfare. That said, we have also discouraged him from tattling about every little thing. There are many things he has told us that we have ignored or told him that those were little things that didn't mean much. We don't expect him to know what is a big thing or what is small, so we just let him tell us everything he feels is important and we decide from there.
I really thought that bullying was a big deal, but evidently you guys don't. All you could see was that my son was doing something wrong. Well, I disagree. If one of my children is acting in a threatening manner toward a much smaller child, I need to be told. If one of my children is throwing things off the bus that could cause injury to a person or damage to a vehicle, I need to be told. If one of my children is standing up on the bus, and could be hurt if the bus comes to a sudden stop, I need to be told. I will not discourage my son or any of my children from telling me about harmful behavior.
Incidentally, my son tells us in private about these things.
I really thought that bullying was a big deal, but evidently you guys don't. All you could see was that my son was doing something wrong. Well, I disagree. If one of my children is acting in a threatening manner toward a much smaller child, I need to be told. If one of my children is throwing things off the bus that could cause injury to a person or damage to a vehicle, I need to be told. If one of my children is standing up on the bus, and could be hurt if the bus comes to a sudden stop, I need to be told. I will not discourage my son or any of my children from telling me about harmful behavior.
Incidentally, my son tells us in private about these things.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Bullies?
Okay, I have some idea how to tell my children how to deal with bullies.
But what do you do when YOUR child is the bully?
Yesterday at church, Bubbles got in the face of a 4 year old child (Bubbles is 7) and angrily told her to "get away" because Bubbles wanted the seat that the 4 year old was headed for. She slammed her bible down in the chair and then leaned over the little girl in a menacing way until the girl left, clearly upset. My son witnessed the exchange and reported it right after church.
We made her write sentences, but I doubt that will have much affect. Does anybody have any advice for this situation?
But what do you do when YOUR child is the bully?
Yesterday at church, Bubbles got in the face of a 4 year old child (Bubbles is 7) and angrily told her to "get away" because Bubbles wanted the seat that the 4 year old was headed for. She slammed her bible down in the chair and then leaned over the little girl in a menacing way until the girl left, clearly upset. My son witnessed the exchange and reported it right after church.
We made her write sentences, but I doubt that will have much affect. Does anybody have any advice for this situation?
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Easter Preparations
With two younger children in the house this year, it was time to decorate Easter eggs and to craft a couple of new Easter baskets. Everyone had fun. We're headed to an Easter picnic this afternoon, and then we have lots of family joining us at our house tomorrow for Easter lunch. We'll be having lots of fun hunting Easter eggs!
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Getting Better
I took Bucky to the doctor Monday and she gave him steroids, antibiotics and some decongestant. By sheer force of will (his and mine) he stayed at school all day yesterday. He had to take his inhaler with him to school today, just in case, because he woke up wheezing this morning. He only has asthma when he gets sick, so normally he never needs an inhaler.
Today, I'm on my own again. I finally got the taxes done. I want to get into a routine, at least for the dishes, laundry and making dinner. I have other projects I need to work on, like making/fixing the curtains, gardening, etc. I've decided to go see my grandmother today. I wanted to go last week but I couldn't. I have to get some groceries today, so I'm combining trips to save gas.
Blondie and Bubbles both got in trouble at school on Monday. They came home and told me, and so they each had to write 25 sentences about behaving in school before they could do anything else. Bubbles had sentences left over from the day before, because she colored with sidewalk chalk on the back porch instead of the driveway, even though I told her not to. Then she told Boaz that she didn't remember she wasn't supposed to. That is her standard response to try to get out of trouble, "I forgot" or "I didn't hear you" even when she actually responded at the time. Anyway, she finally finished all her sentences last night.
Our social worker told me that CPS doesn't allow pointless punishments like moving objects from one place to another and then back again, but they do allow things like picking up trash. We have used that punishment when the girls are caught littering, but I like to make the consequences be related to the misbehavior, and it's really hard to do that sometimes. She said that CPS allows sentences, and recommended that we use that. We've been using it, but I don't like it much. And I don't see how it has a point either. I guess it does improve their handwriting, maybe, and it sort of constitutes a long time out.
I'm so proud of the improvements they have both made. Bubbles almost never wets the bed anymore. This is a remarkable improvement from when she arrived on two bedwetting medications and still wetting the bed five nights out of seven. Now neither girl is on any medication, and they don't need any. We have been working on their speech and grammar, and that is making big improvements too. My only struggle there is that Boaz thinks they sound "cute" and fusses at Babygirl when he hears her correcting them. It may be cute for seven and eight year olds not to be able to say "gargle" and "each other" so that it comes out "goggle" and "eashother" but it won't be cute when they are applying for jobs. They have to learn, and the younger they are the easier it will be. This is evidenced by the fact that the younger one, Bubbles, has already made more improvement than Blondie. I attribute this completely to the difference in their ages. Blondie has had longer to form bad habits.
God willing, I'll be home with all of them this summer. I hope to get Blondie and Bubbles a jump start on their school work next year. They've been behind due to no one working with them, but I've already seen a lot of improvement. Blondie could barely spell anything when she came to me in November, and couldn't even repeat the letters back to me right after saying them once. Now, she can run through a list of 20 words and get 16 or 17 of them right the first time, and be spelling the other three or four in about five minutes of working with her. It's amazing how much kids change when they have love and attention and feel secure.
This morning Bubbles told me that after God, she loved me more than anyone in the whole world. She's really a sweet little girl and very complimentary and willing to share. Blondie is a willing helper and loves to be right by your side, helping with whatever you are doing, especially if it is outside. It's so heartwarming to see her most days walking with Boaz out in the yard, watering the trees and other things. She's also a tough little thing. I'm glad she's not squeamish because we'd have a very hard time otherwise with the upcoming shots. She knows the shots will help her grow, and she asks frequently when we are going to start, because she is eager to get bigger.
I'm in a much better frame of mind than I was last week. I was sick last week too, through everything that happened, so that didn't help either. I want to relax and believe that I'm really going to be able to stay home and not go back to work, but right now I'm not really believing it I guess. We really don't have enough money, so I'm going to have to find a way to help out in that area. I just don't want to go back full time. My kids need me, and I need to take care of them. I'm not happy when I don't feel that I'm fulfilling their needs adequately. I still feel like I have so much to do.
So I'd better end this post and get started....
Today, I'm on my own again. I finally got the taxes done. I want to get into a routine, at least for the dishes, laundry and making dinner. I have other projects I need to work on, like making/fixing the curtains, gardening, etc. I've decided to go see my grandmother today. I wanted to go last week but I couldn't. I have to get some groceries today, so I'm combining trips to save gas.
Blondie and Bubbles both got in trouble at school on Monday. They came home and told me, and so they each had to write 25 sentences about behaving in school before they could do anything else. Bubbles had sentences left over from the day before, because she colored with sidewalk chalk on the back porch instead of the driveway, even though I told her not to. Then she told Boaz that she didn't remember she wasn't supposed to. That is her standard response to try to get out of trouble, "I forgot" or "I didn't hear you" even when she actually responded at the time. Anyway, she finally finished all her sentences last night.
Our social worker told me that CPS doesn't allow pointless punishments like moving objects from one place to another and then back again, but they do allow things like picking up trash. We have used that punishment when the girls are caught littering, but I like to make the consequences be related to the misbehavior, and it's really hard to do that sometimes. She said that CPS allows sentences, and recommended that we use that. We've been using it, but I don't like it much. And I don't see how it has a point either. I guess it does improve their handwriting, maybe, and it sort of constitutes a long time out.
I'm so proud of the improvements they have both made. Bubbles almost never wets the bed anymore. This is a remarkable improvement from when she arrived on two bedwetting medications and still wetting the bed five nights out of seven. Now neither girl is on any medication, and they don't need any. We have been working on their speech and grammar, and that is making big improvements too. My only struggle there is that Boaz thinks they sound "cute" and fusses at Babygirl when he hears her correcting them. It may be cute for seven and eight year olds not to be able to say "gargle" and "each other" so that it comes out "goggle" and "eashother" but it won't be cute when they are applying for jobs. They have to learn, and the younger they are the easier it will be. This is evidenced by the fact that the younger one, Bubbles, has already made more improvement than Blondie. I attribute this completely to the difference in their ages. Blondie has had longer to form bad habits.
God willing, I'll be home with all of them this summer. I hope to get Blondie and Bubbles a jump start on their school work next year. They've been behind due to no one working with them, but I've already seen a lot of improvement. Blondie could barely spell anything when she came to me in November, and couldn't even repeat the letters back to me right after saying them once. Now, she can run through a list of 20 words and get 16 or 17 of them right the first time, and be spelling the other three or four in about five minutes of working with her. It's amazing how much kids change when they have love and attention and feel secure.
This morning Bubbles told me that after God, she loved me more than anyone in the whole world. She's really a sweet little girl and very complimentary and willing to share. Blondie is a willing helper and loves to be right by your side, helping with whatever you are doing, especially if it is outside. It's so heartwarming to see her most days walking with Boaz out in the yard, watering the trees and other things. She's also a tough little thing. I'm glad she's not squeamish because we'd have a very hard time otherwise with the upcoming shots. She knows the shots will help her grow, and she asks frequently when we are going to start, because she is eager to get bigger.
I'm in a much better frame of mind than I was last week. I was sick last week too, through everything that happened, so that didn't help either. I want to relax and believe that I'm really going to be able to stay home and not go back to work, but right now I'm not really believing it I guess. We really don't have enough money, so I'm going to have to find a way to help out in that area. I just don't want to go back full time. My kids need me, and I need to take care of them. I'm not happy when I don't feel that I'm fulfilling their needs adequately. I still feel like I have so much to do.
So I'd better end this post and get started....
Monday, April 03, 2006
So It's Been A Week So Far
People keep asking me how it's going being a SAHM. Honestly, the first week was awful, but I guess that depends on your expectations. My expectations were different than how it went.
Blondie did stay home with me on Friday. She was sick through the weekend. The bright spot was last Saturday when I went to see my new baby cousin in the hospital. It was my cousin's first baby, and the love in her eyes for the baby really touched me. The maternal instinct is strong and takes over quickly. :)
The week started out okay on Monday. The social worker was scheduled to visit at 4:30 and Blondie had an appointment to find out if she will be on growth hormone shots at 2:45. I rushed around straightening the house and doing dishes. Then I put in a call to the social worker because I was afraid we wouldn't be home before she got here. She called back and we rescheduled the appointment for Tuesday. So I stopped cleaning house and made supper instead. I talked to my best friend and we went over our lessons for our bible study while I chopped onions.
I took Blondie to the doctor and found out that her growth hormone level is so low that she will probably need to take the shots for the rest of her life. Most people get to stop when they are 16. She is scheduled for an MRI next week, and the shots will probably start in about three weeks. The doctor said that the insurance company takes that over from here, and they will send someone to our house with the medication and teach me how to give the shots. It is possible that Boaz will be the one to give her the shot each night, because he used to give himself allergy shots and is less squeamish about the whole thing. I could do it, but I'll gladly step aside if he is willing. :)
On Tuesday, Bucky got sick. I had to pick him up early from school. Bucky has already missed 15 days of school this year, and can only miss 18 days if he wants to pass sixth grade. Fortunately he was there for homeroom and wasn't counted absent. He didn't get well. I had to pick him up right after homeroom every day last week. I'm going to take him to the doctor today. If he doesn't have strep then I'm going to ask them to give him a steroid shot. Usually I hate that type of thing, but the kid isn't getting well. He is weak and has a sore throat. It started out with a stomachache, and he is now congested and just generally feels bad. He has had fever, but it's never been over 99.5. I think it's just some kind of weird virus that won't go away.
On Wednesday night, Bubbles reported a loud noise coming from the garage. Bucky went to check, and it turns out that a pipe had broken and water was pouring into the garage. Boaz ran out and turned it off. We didn't have the necessary equipment to fix it right then. So we took the kids to church, except Bucky who was sick and stayed home, and Boaz went to the hardware store while I checked the kids in. We ate dinner and took the kids home. When we got there with the right parts, Boaz realized that his glue was dried up. Yea! So now we were looking at an entire day without water on Thursday until Boaz could pick up some glue on the way home from work. Yea! Can you tell how excited I was about not having water in the house?
Babygirl, Blondie and Bubbles had to go without baths on Thursday. Fortunately I had one Wednesday, but the girls had theirs on Tuesday. Bucky never bathes anyway...okay, he does, but let's just say bathing isn't high on the priority list for him. I have to harass him to get him clean regularly.
Early Thursday morning I was out at the faucet that comes off the well, filling buckets to bring water into the house. We had to have it to be able to flush the toilets. I won't give the details of the toilet ordeals, but let's just say it wasn't fun. We couldn't even wash our hands much. I would pour some water into the sink and use the stopper, and then everyone would wash in the same water. Eww. You never know what a blessing it is to have running water in your house until you don't have it.
Guess what! Boaz got asked to work late on Thursday! Yea! That meant that the water situation would continue until late that night. Finally, he got home at 9pm and fixed the broken pipe. I was worn out and unhappy about how my first week had gone, and I was really hoping for a nice day on Friday. Then Boaz checked the messages on the phone and there was one from the church secretary asking me to help out at the church on Friday morning. After a big sigh, I decided that I would do it. I thought maybe God was testing me to see if I would really put him first even after a week like I had just had.
So Friday I went up to church and played receptionist. Of course, I had to take a short break to go pick up Bucky from school. There was a loveseat in the church office, and he was able to rest on it and play his Nintendo DS. I also got to eat lunch with a good friend who works at the church, and that was very nice.
I had a pretty good weekend. Babygirl, Bubbles and I planted tomatoes, peppers, corn and flowers while Boaz rode on his tractor, Bucky played games in the house, and Blondie wrote sentences.
Blondie had a very bad day on Friday. She brought home a note from her teacher stating they had had a rough day and that Blondie had been very argumentative with her. Blondie also brought home a sandwich that wasn't hers and tried to hide it from me. We have received complaints from her teacher that she begs other kids for food, so she has been told that she is not allowed to take any food from other kids. I asked Blondie to bring me her backpack so that we could get rid of all the old papers and such, and she removed the sandwich and the part of her lunch that she hadn't eated and left it in the dining room. I happened to walk into the kitchen for something, and I heard a bag rattling in the dining room. I went to check, and there was our cat, Joey, enjoying a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. I knew immediately from both the color of the ziploc bag and the white bread that it didn't come from our home. I asked both girls about it, and both denied that it was theirs, and then Blondie started babbling that it belonged to her friend, but she had no idea how it ended up in her bag, blah, blah, blah. Suddenly I heard rattling again! This time Joey was happily enjoying an orange slice and some cherry tomatoes that Blondie didn't eat.
I called my SIL who is a social worker for advice. Obviously if Blondie is bringing food home, I'm sending enough food in her lunch. So I don't think I need to send m0re food. On the other hand, I don't want to send less food until she doesn't have enough and that increases her need to ask others for their food. My SIL suggested that I ask her each day what fruit she would like and how much of it.
Boaz decided that since Blondie wanted the sandwich so bad that she brought it home, then she had to eat it. We cut off the parts that Joey had nibbled, and Blondie got to eat it while we had homemade burritos. She said that it wasn't very good because it didn't have any jelly on it, and the peanut butter didn't taste as good as ours. She also said that she doesn't want anyone else's food anymore because she wants to eat what we're having. I guess we'll see. I don't know what else to do to keep her from begging for food at school. I know her friends won't like her if she keeps it up, but how can I convince her to stop?
On Sunday we went to church, and then I took Babygirl and Blondie shopping with me for new summer clothes. Bubbles was supposed to go, but she refused to eat her lunch because it included a salad, which resulted in her not being able to go shopping. I told her that she would be tired if she didn't have energy from not eating. She was quite happy to have her salad at dinner time. I guess skipping lunch can even make a salad taste good.
I really hope this week is better.
Blondie did stay home with me on Friday. She was sick through the weekend. The bright spot was last Saturday when I went to see my new baby cousin in the hospital. It was my cousin's first baby, and the love in her eyes for the baby really touched me. The maternal instinct is strong and takes over quickly. :)
The week started out okay on Monday. The social worker was scheduled to visit at 4:30 and Blondie had an appointment to find out if she will be on growth hormone shots at 2:45. I rushed around straightening the house and doing dishes. Then I put in a call to the social worker because I was afraid we wouldn't be home before she got here. She called back and we rescheduled the appointment for Tuesday. So I stopped cleaning house and made supper instead. I talked to my best friend and we went over our lessons for our bible study while I chopped onions.
I took Blondie to the doctor and found out that her growth hormone level is so low that she will probably need to take the shots for the rest of her life. Most people get to stop when they are 16. She is scheduled for an MRI next week, and the shots will probably start in about three weeks. The doctor said that the insurance company takes that over from here, and they will send someone to our house with the medication and teach me how to give the shots. It is possible that Boaz will be the one to give her the shot each night, because he used to give himself allergy shots and is less squeamish about the whole thing. I could do it, but I'll gladly step aside if he is willing. :)
On Tuesday, Bucky got sick. I had to pick him up early from school. Bucky has already missed 15 days of school this year, and can only miss 18 days if he wants to pass sixth grade. Fortunately he was there for homeroom and wasn't counted absent. He didn't get well. I had to pick him up right after homeroom every day last week. I'm going to take him to the doctor today. If he doesn't have strep then I'm going to ask them to give him a steroid shot. Usually I hate that type of thing, but the kid isn't getting well. He is weak and has a sore throat. It started out with a stomachache, and he is now congested and just generally feels bad. He has had fever, but it's never been over 99.5. I think it's just some kind of weird virus that won't go away.
On Wednesday night, Bubbles reported a loud noise coming from the garage. Bucky went to check, and it turns out that a pipe had broken and water was pouring into the garage. Boaz ran out and turned it off. We didn't have the necessary equipment to fix it right then. So we took the kids to church, except Bucky who was sick and stayed home, and Boaz went to the hardware store while I checked the kids in. We ate dinner and took the kids home. When we got there with the right parts, Boaz realized that his glue was dried up. Yea! So now we were looking at an entire day without water on Thursday until Boaz could pick up some glue on the way home from work. Yea! Can you tell how excited I was about not having water in the house?
Babygirl, Blondie and Bubbles had to go without baths on Thursday. Fortunately I had one Wednesday, but the girls had theirs on Tuesday. Bucky never bathes anyway...okay, he does, but let's just say bathing isn't high on the priority list for him. I have to harass him to get him clean regularly.
Early Thursday morning I was out at the faucet that comes off the well, filling buckets to bring water into the house. We had to have it to be able to flush the toilets. I won't give the details of the toilet ordeals, but let's just say it wasn't fun. We couldn't even wash our hands much. I would pour some water into the sink and use the stopper, and then everyone would wash in the same water. Eww. You never know what a blessing it is to have running water in your house until you don't have it.
Guess what! Boaz got asked to work late on Thursday! Yea! That meant that the water situation would continue until late that night. Finally, he got home at 9pm and fixed the broken pipe. I was worn out and unhappy about how my first week had gone, and I was really hoping for a nice day on Friday. Then Boaz checked the messages on the phone and there was one from the church secretary asking me to help out at the church on Friday morning. After a big sigh, I decided that I would do it. I thought maybe God was testing me to see if I would really put him first even after a week like I had just had.
So Friday I went up to church and played receptionist. Of course, I had to take a short break to go pick up Bucky from school. There was a loveseat in the church office, and he was able to rest on it and play his Nintendo DS. I also got to eat lunch with a good friend who works at the church, and that was very nice.
I had a pretty good weekend. Babygirl, Bubbles and I planted tomatoes, peppers, corn and flowers while Boaz rode on his tractor, Bucky played games in the house, and Blondie wrote sentences.
Blondie had a very bad day on Friday. She brought home a note from her teacher stating they had had a rough day and that Blondie had been very argumentative with her. Blondie also brought home a sandwich that wasn't hers and tried to hide it from me. We have received complaints from her teacher that she begs other kids for food, so she has been told that she is not allowed to take any food from other kids. I asked Blondie to bring me her backpack so that we could get rid of all the old papers and such, and she removed the sandwich and the part of her lunch that she hadn't eated and left it in the dining room. I happened to walk into the kitchen for something, and I heard a bag rattling in the dining room. I went to check, and there was our cat, Joey, enjoying a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. I knew immediately from both the color of the ziploc bag and the white bread that it didn't come from our home. I asked both girls about it, and both denied that it was theirs, and then Blondie started babbling that it belonged to her friend, but she had no idea how it ended up in her bag, blah, blah, blah. Suddenly I heard rattling again! This time Joey was happily enjoying an orange slice and some cherry tomatoes that Blondie didn't eat.
I called my SIL who is a social worker for advice. Obviously if Blondie is bringing food home, I'm sending enough food in her lunch. So I don't think I need to send m0re food. On the other hand, I don't want to send less food until she doesn't have enough and that increases her need to ask others for their food. My SIL suggested that I ask her each day what fruit she would like and how much of it.
Boaz decided that since Blondie wanted the sandwich so bad that she brought it home, then she had to eat it. We cut off the parts that Joey had nibbled, and Blondie got to eat it while we had homemade burritos. She said that it wasn't very good because it didn't have any jelly on it, and the peanut butter didn't taste as good as ours. She also said that she doesn't want anyone else's food anymore because she wants to eat what we're having. I guess we'll see. I don't know what else to do to keep her from begging for food at school. I know her friends won't like her if she keeps it up, but how can I convince her to stop?
On Sunday we went to church, and then I took Babygirl and Blondie shopping with me for new summer clothes. Bubbles was supposed to go, but she refused to eat her lunch because it included a salad, which resulted in her not being able to go shopping. I told her that she would be tired if she didn't have energy from not eating. She was quite happy to have her salad at dinner time. I guess skipping lunch can even make a salad taste good.
I really hope this week is better.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Three A.M. on my First Day Off
Well here I sit. I've had trouble sleeping for the last week. There are a few reasons I can think of: 1) Nerves over quitting my job 2) I've been lying in bed too long every morning, dreading putting in those last few days at work 3) I haven't been taking my cal-mag supplements that keep my sleep regular.
So anyway, I fully expected to sleep like a baby tonight. Or maybe it was last night by now. Anyway, I woke up at 2:38 and realized my electric blanket was still on, and I was HOT. I'd just had a nightmare about witnessing a head-on collision. I was wide awake. Since I woke up yesterday at 3:45 and disturbed my husband with my tossing and turning, I decided to sneak out quietly, because he has to get up in an hour and go to work all day and really needs his sleep. I had to get my robe from the closet and then I tiptoed to the door and was struggling to open the door without making a sound, when suddenly I hear, "Just go on out and don't come back, I need to get my sleep!" I bit my tongue to keep from retorting that I was doing exactly that, because it would defeat my purpose to wake him up further by fighting with him.
My cat heard me get up and was determined to be let out of the laundry room. He was making quite a racket. My dilemma is that sometimes he tries to open my bedroom door, and that wouldn't really help Boaz sleep if that happens. On the other hand, a yowling door banging cat won't either, so I took the risk. Then the unsatisified cat was determined to be fed. Normally he doesn't eat until 6am, but since cats can't tell time, he decided now was the right time. So he's in there crunching away.
Blondie went to bed with a cold, so I gave her half a dose of nyquil to help her. Evidently it didn't work as well as I had hoped. She was coughing so loud it sounded like she had her mouth open, pointed straight at the bedroom door, putting as much force behind it as she could. I decided to give her some Triaminic Cough & Sore Throat tablets that I have, hoping that would help her sleep for the rest of the night. Halfway up the stairs I had a short debate with myself about whether I should go back down and get her a drink of water. The side that wanted to get the water won out, since it pointed out that if she asks for a drink I'd have to go right back down anyway. So I slipped into Blondie's room with the drink and medicine. She was awake and obviously not feeling well. I gave her the drink first and she gulped away. (Good thing I listened to myself.) Then I gave her the medicine which she chewed up and then she gulped the rest of her water.
So goes the start of my first day off. And it looks like there's a good chance I'll have some company.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Just So Happy
I'm so happy that I'm going to get to stay home. Things are going so smoothly. I've told my parents and my in-laws, and it wasn't nearly as painful as the last time I discussed it with them. The current plan is that I'll stay home for at least six months, and then we'll re-evaluate whether we can continue that or if I need to go back to work. God may have something in store that we don't know about yet, so I'm not making any definite plans. I always have my degree to fall back on if I need to and in the meantime we'll see what opportunities arise.
My mom is keeping Blondie and Bubbles for a few days this week during Spring Break. They have been doing much better than the first time she babysat them. I gave them a stern talk before leaving both mornings this week, plus I've been calling and talking to them on the phone if necessary. However, it's so hard to be stern when I hear those precious little voices on the phone. Too cute!
Babygirl returned home safe and sound from Tennessee last night. She had a great time. We talked for over two hours, with her telling me about her trip and me recounting the days while she was gone. She is such a precious girl and she is growing into a beautiful and wonderful young woman.
My mom is keeping Blondie and Bubbles for a few days this week during Spring Break. They have been doing much better than the first time she babysat them. I gave them a stern talk before leaving both mornings this week, plus I've been calling and talking to them on the phone if necessary. However, it's so hard to be stern when I hear those precious little voices on the phone. Too cute!
Babygirl returned home safe and sound from Tennessee last night. She had a great time. We talked for over two hours, with her telling me about her trip and me recounting the days while she was gone. She is such a precious girl and she is growing into a beautiful and wonderful young woman.
Monday, March 13, 2006
I Did It
I came in to work today and gave my two weeks' notice. It's a done deal. My boss took it better than I could have hoped. He told me that HIS wife is quitting HER job too, and he completely understands! That was a big relief.
I'm so happy and full of joy. We bought little tomato and pepper plants, and some flower seeds just for fun. We tilled the garden to get it ready. We can't plant yet because we still may get another freeze.
There were baby chickens at the feed store, and Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles fell in love. We are considering building a chicken coop and raising hens for laying eggs. (Yes, I know it means I'm not a vegan if I eat eggs, and yes I eat eggs sometimes.) Bucky got excited and wants to buy some chickens of his own and sell the eggs for extra money. I wonder how long the excitement will last when he actually has to care for them? Fortunately, I want some chickens too, so I can take care of them if he loses interest. I think he just wants to hold them and play with them, and it will be a little different when they grow up. But we'll see.
We're going on vacation this week! Hooray! I'll post some pictures when we get back.
I'm so happy and full of joy. We bought little tomato and pepper plants, and some flower seeds just for fun. We tilled the garden to get it ready. We can't plant yet because we still may get another freeze.
There were baby chickens at the feed store, and Bucky, Blondie and Bubbles fell in love. We are considering building a chicken coop and raising hens for laying eggs. (Yes, I know it means I'm not a vegan if I eat eggs, and yes I eat eggs sometimes.) Bucky got excited and wants to buy some chickens of his own and sell the eggs for extra money. I wonder how long the excitement will last when he actually has to care for them? Fortunately, I want some chickens too, so I can take care of them if he loses interest. I think he just wants to hold them and play with them, and it will be a little different when they grow up. But we'll see.
We're going on vacation this week! Hooray! I'll post some pictures when we get back.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
One Sentence Per Year
Okay, I saw this over on Tamara's blog.
Here goes:
1. I was born very close to Christmas (1968).
2. I moved several times with my parents and we lived with my grandparents off and on. (1969)
3. We moved to Arizona to be close to my mom's sister, and so my dad could work for my uncle. (1970)
4. We moved back to Texas. (1971)
5. We lived in a small two bedroom house and my dog Penny got hit by a train. We accidentally ran over her puppy, Little Penny, who was sleeping behind a tire.(1972)
6. We moved into the three bedroom house next door. I received two baby ducks for an Easter gift. They didn't die and we had to build a pen in the back yard for them. Eventually they were moved out to my grandmother's farm where they reproduced prolifically. (1973)
7. I began kindergarten. I rode to school with a neighbor who had a little pond in front of their house, and I fell into it. I also received a puppy for Halloween, that was given to me in a plastic Halloween bag. He was black with tan markings and we named him Roscoe. (1974)
8. A white dog showed up at our house and wouldn't leave. My parents made me throw rocks at her, but she was determined to stay (it probably didn't help that I petted her when they weren't looking) and she got adopted and named Casey. (1975)
9. We move to a nicer house in a nicer part of town. I meet my best friend for life. (1976)
10. I have a mean old third grade teacher who eats, burps and sleeps through the year. I spend a week with my grandmother in the summer. (1977)
11. I have a wonderful sweet fourth grade teacher who has a sister who is an artist, and she comes to class and teaches us how to draw. (1978)
12. My grandfather gets very sick with lung cancer and dies. I am devastated. I loved to ride on the tractor with him. (1979)
13. My widowed grandmother remarries, which greatly distresses my mother. (1980)
14. I begin junior high school. I have a crush on the boy down the street. He asks one of my best friends to be his girlfriend instead of me. My mother buys me a hair dryer for Christmas and then won't let me use it because it might "hurt" my hair. I'm allowed to wear lipstick and blush only. I walk into my algebra class and hear the most popular girl in school making fun of me.(1981)
15. I hate eighth grade. How awkward. I'm very tall for thirteen, and I stop growing. (1982)
16. I'm allowed to wear full makeup. I'm awkward, smart and not popular. (1983)
17. I find out that one of my friends was molested by her adopted father for the past eight years. She becomes a slut and her sister, also molested, becomes a lesbian. (1984)
18. I meet my future husband at a party I'm not supposed to be at. (1985)
19. I get a job at an outlet clothing store and continue to date my boyfriend. My best friend dates his best friend all through high school. I'm an honor student. My boyfriend gets diagnosed with cancer, has radiation treatment, and is pronounced cured. (1986)
20. I graduate from high school and get married that summer. I move to Austin to go to college. We get a puppy and name her Newton.(1987)
21. My husband is diagosed with cancer again and has chemotherapy. We are we probably won't be able to have children, so we have some sperm frozen before the chemo starts. We also make a half-hearted attempt to get pregnant but it doesn't work. (1988)
22. After the chemo is completed, I get pregnant accidentally. We weren't trying not to, but we thought it wasn't possible. (1989)
23. My husband gets cancer for a third time when I am seven month pregnant with Babygirl. He dies when she is four months old. (1990)
24. I get a full time job and move in with my best friend. My mom babysits Babygirl while I work. I have unhealthy relationships with a couple of guys. I meet Boaz at church. (1991)
25. Boaz asks me out a couple of times but I don't go. Finally we go out, and the next week he attends Babygirl's 2nd birthday party. We get pretty serious by the end of the year. (1992)
26. I marry Boaz. At the end of the year, Bucky is born. (1993)
27. We move from our two bedroom townhouse to a three bedroom rent house. (1994)
28. We struggle working two full time jobs and raising two kids. (1995)
29. A hail storm beats the crap out of our car, we take the $5000 in insurance money and make a downpayment on a house. Three weeks later I go back to college. I decided if I have to work I want to make more money, though I'd really rather stay home. (1996)
30. I go to college. During this time my in-laws help with babysitting and my husband takes care of all the housework so I can study. I do not work. I stay home in the summers with my kids and don't take any classes so they will know me. (1997-1999).
31. I get a good job making lots of money. (2000)
32. We buy a big house in the country two weeks after 9/11. We get our family back into church.(2001)
33. We work and raise kids. (2002)
34. My mother-in-law has a stroke and become bedridden. She was a major part of our lives and this is very distressing. (2003)
34. I hurt my leg and get sciatica. I want to quit my job so bad I go into a minor depression toward the end of the year. (2004)
35. I vow not to be depressed anymore, and if I can never quit, so be it. I decide to live my life to the fullest the best I can. We decide to adopt more kids. We throw ourselves into our real estate business. At the end of the year, we adopt Blondie and Bubbles. (2005)
36. So here we are, and I still want to quit my job, and hopefully it will be soon.
Here goes:
1. I was born very close to Christmas (1968).
2. I moved several times with my parents and we lived with my grandparents off and on. (1969)
3. We moved to Arizona to be close to my mom's sister, and so my dad could work for my uncle. (1970)
4. We moved back to Texas. (1971)
5. We lived in a small two bedroom house and my dog Penny got hit by a train. We accidentally ran over her puppy, Little Penny, who was sleeping behind a tire.(1972)
6. We moved into the three bedroom house next door. I received two baby ducks for an Easter gift. They didn't die and we had to build a pen in the back yard for them. Eventually they were moved out to my grandmother's farm where they reproduced prolifically. (1973)
7. I began kindergarten. I rode to school with a neighbor who had a little pond in front of their house, and I fell into it. I also received a puppy for Halloween, that was given to me in a plastic Halloween bag. He was black with tan markings and we named him Roscoe. (1974)
8. A white dog showed up at our house and wouldn't leave. My parents made me throw rocks at her, but she was determined to stay (it probably didn't help that I petted her when they weren't looking) and she got adopted and named Casey. (1975)
9. We move to a nicer house in a nicer part of town. I meet my best friend for life. (1976)
10. I have a mean old third grade teacher who eats, burps and sleeps through the year. I spend a week with my grandmother in the summer. (1977)
11. I have a wonderful sweet fourth grade teacher who has a sister who is an artist, and she comes to class and teaches us how to draw. (1978)
12. My grandfather gets very sick with lung cancer and dies. I am devastated. I loved to ride on the tractor with him. (1979)
13. My widowed grandmother remarries, which greatly distresses my mother. (1980)
14. I begin junior high school. I have a crush on the boy down the street. He asks one of my best friends to be his girlfriend instead of me. My mother buys me a hair dryer for Christmas and then won't let me use it because it might "hurt" my hair. I'm allowed to wear lipstick and blush only. I walk into my algebra class and hear the most popular girl in school making fun of me.(1981)
15. I hate eighth grade. How awkward. I'm very tall for thirteen, and I stop growing. (1982)
16. I'm allowed to wear full makeup. I'm awkward, smart and not popular. (1983)
17. I find out that one of my friends was molested by her adopted father for the past eight years. She becomes a slut and her sister, also molested, becomes a lesbian. (1984)
18. I meet my future husband at a party I'm not supposed to be at. (1985)
19. I get a job at an outlet clothing store and continue to date my boyfriend. My best friend dates his best friend all through high school. I'm an honor student. My boyfriend gets diagnosed with cancer, has radiation treatment, and is pronounced cured. (1986)
20. I graduate from high school and get married that summer. I move to Austin to go to college. We get a puppy and name her Newton.(1987)
21. My husband is diagosed with cancer again and has chemotherapy. We are we probably won't be able to have children, so we have some sperm frozen before the chemo starts. We also make a half-hearted attempt to get pregnant but it doesn't work. (1988)
22. After the chemo is completed, I get pregnant accidentally. We weren't trying not to, but we thought it wasn't possible. (1989)
23. My husband gets cancer for a third time when I am seven month pregnant with Babygirl. He dies when she is four months old. (1990)
24. I get a full time job and move in with my best friend. My mom babysits Babygirl while I work. I have unhealthy relationships with a couple of guys. I meet Boaz at church. (1991)
25. Boaz asks me out a couple of times but I don't go. Finally we go out, and the next week he attends Babygirl's 2nd birthday party. We get pretty serious by the end of the year. (1992)
26. I marry Boaz. At the end of the year, Bucky is born. (1993)
27. We move from our two bedroom townhouse to a three bedroom rent house. (1994)
28. We struggle working two full time jobs and raising two kids. (1995)
29. A hail storm beats the crap out of our car, we take the $5000 in insurance money and make a downpayment on a house. Three weeks later I go back to college. I decided if I have to work I want to make more money, though I'd really rather stay home. (1996)
30. I go to college. During this time my in-laws help with babysitting and my husband takes care of all the housework so I can study. I do not work. I stay home in the summers with my kids and don't take any classes so they will know me. (1997-1999).
31. I get a good job making lots of money. (2000)
32. We buy a big house in the country two weeks after 9/11. We get our family back into church.(2001)
33. We work and raise kids. (2002)
34. My mother-in-law has a stroke and become bedridden. She was a major part of our lives and this is very distressing. (2003)
34. I hurt my leg and get sciatica. I want to quit my job so bad I go into a minor depression toward the end of the year. (2004)
35. I vow not to be depressed anymore, and if I can never quit, so be it. I decide to live my life to the fullest the best I can. We decide to adopt more kids. We throw ourselves into our real estate business. At the end of the year, we adopt Blondie and Bubbles. (2005)
36. So here we are, and I still want to quit my job, and hopefully it will be soon.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
On Again, Off Again, On Again...and A Birthday Party
The stress is just too much. I'll be quitting my job very soon. In fact, I would have put in my notice yesterday....but one of our tenants moved out on Saturday. Another one plans to move out in the next week or two. With that in mind, I need to continue to work until these houses have new tenants in them. We are turning both of the houses over to a property management company. It has been quite an ordeal making calls and chasing rent payments. With these two houses turned over, we'll only have three left that we are managing ourselves, and two of those are good tenants who pay every month on time.
So the current plan is that I will put in my notice as soon as the new houses have tenants. Hallelujah. I really can't wait much longer. I have tried to explain to Boaz many times how I feel, but it's difficult for him to understand. When I tell him that I'm upset that I can't make dinner every night due to time constraints, he tells me to not worry about it, and it's okay if we eat sandwiches all the time. When I tell him that I want to be able to spend more time with the kids, he tells me that the kids are fine and not to worry about it. When I tell him that I'm upset because the house isn't clean, he tells me not to worry about it.
My best friend really put the whole thing in perspective when I talked to her about it. She said that a man's primary job (in his mind) is to be a provider (okay, for most men, I know there are some great Mr. Moms out there). When a man is providing, he feels like a success. If he loses his job and can't provide, he feels like a failure. It's different for a woman (like me anyway). When my house is a wreck, kids want more time with me, dinner is never made, I feel like a failure. When my house is running smoothly and my kids are happy, I feel like a success. It doesn't matter if I was making $500,000 a year, I would still feel like a failure if I couldn't run my home. On the other hand, if the house is a mess, my husband doesn't feel like a failure. It has absolutely no bearing on his self esteem.
Right now the problem is that because I know I'll be quitting soon, that is creating problems of its own. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret when I'm at work. None of them know I'm even considering leaving. Also, I'm trying, at least in my mind, to begin taking on the tasks I will do when I am at home. Boaz correctly diagnosed that and told me to quit it because I "can't ride two horses at the same time". I have to try to keep doing my current role successfully until I can make the switch. It's very hard though, because home is truly where my heart is, and I'm SO CLOSE now. I've never been good at waiting, especially when it is something as big as this. I feel like I want to scream or puke most of the time from being so anxious.
But on with life for now. Bubbles is having a birthday this week. We have planned her very first birthday party. I'm so happy to be able to do this for her. I gave her some invitations to hand out at school, but in retrospect I think I should have mailed them. She gave out a couple to some kids four years older than her! I told her that she needs to give them to kids her own age, and that the older kids most likely won't come to her party. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but she had a few invitations left and I wanted her to give them to age appropriate kids, who would be excited about her party.
Oh well, if nobody comes, then we'll have a fun time with just our family. More cake for us! I had fun buying birthday presents for her. She's getting a Baby Doctor Barbie, a Barbie play house, and a new purse. The child absolutely loves purses! She has a very ugly one that she brought with her from her foster mom's house, so I'm hoping she'll like the new one better. Babygirl is actually embarrassed when Bubbles' carries the current one around. LOL
Babygirl is leaving Thursday night to go to Tennessee with her choir group. They are going to see Elvis' place, and record a song at a real recording studio. That night they will be going to a club that will play the song they recorded while they are there. I wish I was going too!
So the current plan is that I will put in my notice as soon as the new houses have tenants. Hallelujah. I really can't wait much longer. I have tried to explain to Boaz many times how I feel, but it's difficult for him to understand. When I tell him that I'm upset that I can't make dinner every night due to time constraints, he tells me to not worry about it, and it's okay if we eat sandwiches all the time. When I tell him that I want to be able to spend more time with the kids, he tells me that the kids are fine and not to worry about it. When I tell him that I'm upset because the house isn't clean, he tells me not to worry about it.
My best friend really put the whole thing in perspective when I talked to her about it. She said that a man's primary job (in his mind) is to be a provider (okay, for most men, I know there are some great Mr. Moms out there). When a man is providing, he feels like a success. If he loses his job and can't provide, he feels like a failure. It's different for a woman (like me anyway). When my house is a wreck, kids want more time with me, dinner is never made, I feel like a failure. When my house is running smoothly and my kids are happy, I feel like a success. It doesn't matter if I was making $500,000 a year, I would still feel like a failure if I couldn't run my home. On the other hand, if the house is a mess, my husband doesn't feel like a failure. It has absolutely no bearing on his self esteem.
Right now the problem is that because I know I'll be quitting soon, that is creating problems of its own. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret when I'm at work. None of them know I'm even considering leaving. Also, I'm trying, at least in my mind, to begin taking on the tasks I will do when I am at home. Boaz correctly diagnosed that and told me to quit it because I "can't ride two horses at the same time". I have to try to keep doing my current role successfully until I can make the switch. It's very hard though, because home is truly where my heart is, and I'm SO CLOSE now. I've never been good at waiting, especially when it is something as big as this. I feel like I want to scream or puke most of the time from being so anxious.
But on with life for now. Bubbles is having a birthday this week. We have planned her very first birthday party. I'm so happy to be able to do this for her. I gave her some invitations to hand out at school, but in retrospect I think I should have mailed them. She gave out a couple to some kids four years older than her! I told her that she needs to give them to kids her own age, and that the older kids most likely won't come to her party. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but she had a few invitations left and I wanted her to give them to age appropriate kids, who would be excited about her party.
Oh well, if nobody comes, then we'll have a fun time with just our family. More cake for us! I had fun buying birthday presents for her. She's getting a Baby Doctor Barbie, a Barbie play house, and a new purse. The child absolutely loves purses! She has a very ugly one that she brought with her from her foster mom's house, so I'm hoping she'll like the new one better. Babygirl is actually embarrassed when Bubbles' carries the current one around. LOL
Babygirl is leaving Thursday night to go to Tennessee with her choir group. They are going to see Elvis' place, and record a song at a real recording studio. That night they will be going to a club that will play the song they recorded while they are there. I wish I was going too!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
The Honeymoon is Over
I was told that the kids would "honeymoon" for a few months. We've had Blondie and Bubbles for nearly four months now. Bubbles had quite a bit of trouble about six weeks ago, and it only lasted for a couple of weeks. She is now doing well in school again, and is behaving herself well at home. We are still working on her behavior at church. In addition, she has almost completely quit wetting the bed, with no medication and no pressure from me.
Blondie is now starting to act out more. On Saturday, and then again this morning, she threw a tantrum. It started with her leaving her jeans on the floor on Bubbles' side of the closet. She claimed that she had hung them up on Bubbles' side and then they fell off the hanger. I told her that wasn't true because they wouldn't have fallen where they were, and that she isn't supposed to hang her jeans on Bubbles' side anyway. Blondie proceeded to argue and lie to me, and then she yelled at me. I stayed calm and told her she would have to write sentences for each bad behavior she exhibited. She ended up screaming and I told her she would have to go into a far part of the house and she was free to come back when she could calm down.
She ended up having to make two trips away from us and after the second one I told her to get dressed for school. She came back down, still crying, and I told her that she could spend her last five minutes before school crying or eating her breakfast. She chose to eat.
She left for school happy, skipping and laughing.
And I'm an emotional wreck. She must have nerves of steel from everything she has been through in the past. I don't deal well with screaming and loud crying. I had to turn up the radio so I couldn't hear her, just to be able to function and make lunches for my kids. During all that time, I was worried that she wouldn't calm down in time for school. Would I have to stay home with her until the storm was over? Would I be late for work? Could she possibly be trying to hurt herself while I'm not looking? How often should I go check?
I'm glad she was able to leave happy and I really hope that the incident this morning doesn't cause her to have a bad day at school today. I know it will be hard for me.
I explained to her before she left how she had made the situation worse. She would only have had to write 25 sentences stating "I will hang up my jeans at bedtime."
Instead she also now has:
I will not argue with my mommy.
I will not lie to my mommy.
I will not yell at my mommy.
I will not cry loudly when I get in trouble.
I wonder how long it will take for her to start connecting her actions with her consequences.
Blondie is now starting to act out more. On Saturday, and then again this morning, she threw a tantrum. It started with her leaving her jeans on the floor on Bubbles' side of the closet. She claimed that she had hung them up on Bubbles' side and then they fell off the hanger. I told her that wasn't true because they wouldn't have fallen where they were, and that she isn't supposed to hang her jeans on Bubbles' side anyway. Blondie proceeded to argue and lie to me, and then she yelled at me. I stayed calm and told her she would have to write sentences for each bad behavior she exhibited. She ended up screaming and I told her she would have to go into a far part of the house and she was free to come back when she could calm down.
She ended up having to make two trips away from us and after the second one I told her to get dressed for school. She came back down, still crying, and I told her that she could spend her last five minutes before school crying or eating her breakfast. She chose to eat.
She left for school happy, skipping and laughing.
And I'm an emotional wreck. She must have nerves of steel from everything she has been through in the past. I don't deal well with screaming and loud crying. I had to turn up the radio so I couldn't hear her, just to be able to function and make lunches for my kids. During all that time, I was worried that she wouldn't calm down in time for school. Would I have to stay home with her until the storm was over? Would I be late for work? Could she possibly be trying to hurt herself while I'm not looking? How often should I go check?
I'm glad she was able to leave happy and I really hope that the incident this morning doesn't cause her to have a bad day at school today. I know it will be hard for me.
I explained to her before she left how she had made the situation worse. She would only have had to write 25 sentences stating "I will hang up my jeans at bedtime."
Instead she also now has:
I will not argue with my mommy.
I will not lie to my mommy.
I will not yell at my mommy.
I will not cry loudly when I get in trouble.
I wonder how long it will take for her to start connecting her actions with her consequences.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Time Marches On
When we made the decision that I can't/shouldn't quit working in May, it was a hard decision for me. It was made doubly hard by the fact that two years ago, I was desperate to quit. I wanted it and planned for it and prayed for it, and it just didn't happen. God didn't magically zap away all our debt or provide some mysterious source of income that would replace mine. I sunk into a mild depression at the end of 2004.
But beginning in 2005, I turned over a new leaf. It was obviously not God's plan for me to quit at that time. We began to pour ourselves more into our real estate business, and then we pursued the adoption. We stayed very busy during 2005, and I accepted that I would need to keep working for the rest of my life, or at least the next several years. So fast forward to two weeks ago, when Boaz began complaining in earnest about how busy we are and how much he is not enjoying life. He talked about how he just wants to simplify by selling everything and moving far away. I told him that the obvious answer is for me to quit my job and take care of the family so that things aren't so crazy at home trying to get everything done on the evenings and weekends. He was unsure, then he was sure, then he was unsure. I told him that if we weren't going to do this, we needed to stop talking about it because my nerves can't handle it. So we decided for sure that I would quit mid-May. But it was obvious over the course of a week, judging by his ill-temper and snappiness that he was unsettled. Finally last Monday night we hashed the whole thing out. I told him that he wasn't ready for me to quit. He told me that he doesn't want to do it until we are completely out of debt (not counting our mortgage) and have 3-6 months of expenses stashed away in the bank. He felt like if I just worked a few more months we could reach that goal. Ha! I'm the one that does the finances in our home, and I tried to explain why that wasn't true. We spent hours discussing/arguing/making up and replanning. We didn't get much sleep at all Monday night.
So here I am. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to quit. I know it just can't happen if my husband doesn't have peace about it. The pain of it comes from having it dangled in front of me as a real option and then snatched away again. I'd rather it never even be a consideration than go through that.
So I told him there has to be a compromise. I have to have free time on the weekends. Somehow we'll have to have easier meals, hire a maid, do whatever it takes so I can be free to play with my kids and work on projects and just enjoy my life. I don't want to reach 80 years old and look back and see drudgery and nothing else. We live on nine acres and I hardly ever even get to enjoy it. I keep thinking what am I doing all this for?
I'm going shopping this weekend and taking Babygirl, Blondie and my mother. I'm going to play games with Bucky tonight. And Boaz wants to help me with the bills. I think that's a good thing.
But beginning in 2005, I turned over a new leaf. It was obviously not God's plan for me to quit at that time. We began to pour ourselves more into our real estate business, and then we pursued the adoption. We stayed very busy during 2005, and I accepted that I would need to keep working for the rest of my life, or at least the next several years. So fast forward to two weeks ago, when Boaz began complaining in earnest about how busy we are and how much he is not enjoying life. He talked about how he just wants to simplify by selling everything and moving far away. I told him that the obvious answer is for me to quit my job and take care of the family so that things aren't so crazy at home trying to get everything done on the evenings and weekends. He was unsure, then he was sure, then he was unsure. I told him that if we weren't going to do this, we needed to stop talking about it because my nerves can't handle it. So we decided for sure that I would quit mid-May. But it was obvious over the course of a week, judging by his ill-temper and snappiness that he was unsettled. Finally last Monday night we hashed the whole thing out. I told him that he wasn't ready for me to quit. He told me that he doesn't want to do it until we are completely out of debt (not counting our mortgage) and have 3-6 months of expenses stashed away in the bank. He felt like if I just worked a few more months we could reach that goal. Ha! I'm the one that does the finances in our home, and I tried to explain why that wasn't true. We spent hours discussing/arguing/making up and replanning. We didn't get much sleep at all Monday night.
So here I am. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to quit. I know it just can't happen if my husband doesn't have peace about it. The pain of it comes from having it dangled in front of me as a real option and then snatched away again. I'd rather it never even be a consideration than go through that.
So I told him there has to be a compromise. I have to have free time on the weekends. Somehow we'll have to have easier meals, hire a maid, do whatever it takes so I can be free to play with my kids and work on projects and just enjoy my life. I don't want to reach 80 years old and look back and see drudgery and nothing else. We live on nine acres and I hardly ever even get to enjoy it. I keep thinking what am I doing all this for?
I'm going shopping this weekend and taking Babygirl, Blondie and my mother. I'm going to play games with Bucky tonight. And Boaz wants to help me with the bills. I think that's a good thing.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Patience is a Virtue...
...that I need to keep working on.
We have decided to put off the "Stay At Home" thing until the end of the year at least. We need to be more financially stable before we take the plunge. A couple of our rent houses may go empty soon and we'll need cash to get them rentable before we get them back on the market.
Anyway, pray for me because it's always hard when the light at the end of the tunnel goes out.
We have decided to put off the "Stay At Home" thing until the end of the year at least. We need to be more financially stable before we take the plunge. A couple of our rent houses may go empty soon and we'll need cash to get them rentable before we get them back on the market.
Anyway, pray for me because it's always hard when the light at the end of the tunnel goes out.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Hog Hunting
Boaz is leaving tonight to go hunting for wild boars at his friend's 200 acre patch of ground. Their whole bible study group is going, which means all five of them. He will be gone for the same length of time I was gone on the retreat. I'm so happy for him to be able to get away and relax. He really needs it.
I'm going to take my four kids to a movie Friday night. It's called Nanny McPhee. That is, unless Boaz talks me out of it. He thinks that since we are trying to save money so I can stay home, that I should just rent a movie and stay home and make popcorn. Now if I hadn't already TOLD the kids we were going out, I would be more willing to do that. But I really don't want to go back on my word (and I really want to go out to the movies....).
Anyway, I have no fear of keeping the kids by myself while he's gone. I've done it several times now on Saturdays when Boaz has to work and it hasn't been a problem. We've been running errands and doing chores and having fun.
I'm scared and excited about quitting my job. Money will be a lot tighter, but time will be much more abundant. I feel like we are making the right choice.
It's funny, everything I've wanted to do in life, my family (okay, my parents) have been right there letting me know what a mistake I was making. It just gets old. Why can't they ever say, "That's great! Let me know how I can help!" But no. When I decided to go back to college to get a degree, I was told that I had a good job that I shouldn't quit. When I wanted to have another baby, I was told that my plate was full and I shouldn't do it. When I decided I wanted to adopt, I was told that I had enough to do already and it would just be too much on me. Now I want to stay home with my kids and actually enjoy my life, while making life easier on my husband and kids, and I am told that I shouldn't do it because I "just don't know how hard it is to be without money." Well I was raised by the same people saying that and we didn't have money then either. But I DID have a stay-at-home mom who had time to play games with me and we took vacations every year and we always had enough to eat. It's just frustrating to NEVER get any support. I know what is right for my family. And if I quit and we find out it's too hard, guess what, I can go back to work. Gee whiz. I really hate that when I'm making big changes I have to dread telling my parents.
Right now I'm hoping I can quit mid-May. That will give me two weeks at home before the kids get out. I have a bunch of things I've been putting off and it would be great to complete those sans kids.
Things I'm looking forward to (if this dream really comes true):
1) Walks in the fresh air among the wildflowers
2) The sunlight on my face
3) Gardening
4) Teaching my girls to cook
5) Playing outside with my kids
6) Teaching my daughter to drive
7) Playing games with my son
8) Homeschooling Blondie and Bubbles (I've always wanted to homeschool)
9) Having dinner ready for my husband when he gets home
10) A clean house
11) Time to clear my mind
12) Exercise
13) Lunch with friends
14) Volunteering at church
15) Talking on the phone
16) Reading
And I could go on and on...
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