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I received a request from Mrs. Teacher for a conference, and I will set one up this week. I am assuming that this is because of Blondie's grades, since I haven’t had many complaints from you on her behavior. She seems to be slipping into her old habits from last year on her school work. She tells me that her work is complete when she brings home her assignment book. She does bring some of her work home, but she leaves at school the things she doesn’t want to do, and I don’t know about it until it is already a zero.
This year I have had a different strategy when I find out she hasn’t done her work. Last year I fought tooth and nail to get her to do her homework, and it wore both of us out. This year I have put the responsibility on her. When she avoids doing her work and it is obvious to me, I just remind her that she doesn’t have to do her work this year, she can always just repeat 5th grade and do it next year instead. This seems to motivate her more than anything I have come up with in the past. She suddenly decides that the work is important and she wants to do it. Then I tell her that it’s really okay and not to worry about it, and then she insists that she wants to do it.
You might want to try that when she doesn’t want to do her work in class, or doesn’t have some of her work turned in.
When she brought home her progress report, I asked her whether her grades were low because she didn’t understand the work or she just didn’t want to do it, and she told me that lots of times she doesn’t understand it. As I mentioned before, I requested last year in December to have her tested, but Mr. Principal did not act on it. He said that unless the extra tutoring didn’t work, they would not move forward with testing. If she is now failing, it is probably time to move forward with the testing for putting her into remedial classes. I really don’t know what else to do.
I will see you next week (after the 14th).
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Storm Clouds?
I had a feeling that she could only hold up for so long. This week Blondie got a zero on her spelling homework, and the next day she had not done her science homework, so the teacher made her stay in from recess and complete it and she lost 10 points for it being late. Both teachers notified me by email or I wouldn't have known. I did not punish Blondie. I offered to help her with her homework any time it is needed, and reminded her that fifth grade will be repeated next year if she doesn't want to do her work.
We'll see what happens. I'm trying to keep my anxiety over it at a minimum. Nothing I did last year worked, which included threatening, punishing, a futile attempt at a reward system which had no effect, and worrying myself sick. I'm going to let the consequences fall where they fall. I can't control this situation.
My goal is to just be informative and supportive. The rest is up to her and the school. As much as possible I am not going to punish her for anything that happens at school. If they punished her, that is good enough for me. I will not intervene unless the school asks me to. And I will take deep cleansing breaths and try to relax and let it all go.
I can only provide the information to her, I can't force her to act on it. (Repeat to self several times a day).
Bubbles has withdrawn emotionally. It happened in May, after a discussion about her birth parents, and nothing I have said to her since has made any difference. On the other hand, I believe that Blondie may be beginning to bond with me. I never would have guessed when we brought them home that this would happen. Bubbles was the sweet, cuddly, eager to please one, and Blondie was whiny, annoying and generally unpleasant to be around. Everyone talked about how easy it was to love Bubbles and that it was so difficult to even like Blondie.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride over the last three years, and are finally becoming calmer in the past few weeks. In the begining, I began by trying very hard to bond with them. Then I became so discouraged by their behavior and lack of response to my instruction that I was more inclined to avoid them. Now I'm ready to just let things happen as they happen. If we bond, great, and if we don't, oh well, there's not much I can do about it. I have begun to feel some genuine affection for Blondie, against all odds. I never would have believed that I would like her more than Bubbles, but right now I definitely do. I can only hope that my relationships with both girls will grow over time. It has become much easier to like them since I quit trying to control them as much. Maybe my new attitude will be just what we all needed. Only time will tell.
We'll see what happens. I'm trying to keep my anxiety over it at a minimum. Nothing I did last year worked, which included threatening, punishing, a futile attempt at a reward system which had no effect, and worrying myself sick. I'm going to let the consequences fall where they fall. I can't control this situation.
My goal is to just be informative and supportive. The rest is up to her and the school. As much as possible I am not going to punish her for anything that happens at school. If they punished her, that is good enough for me. I will not intervene unless the school asks me to. And I will take deep cleansing breaths and try to relax and let it all go.
I can only provide the information to her, I can't force her to act on it. (Repeat to self several times a day).
Bubbles has withdrawn emotionally. It happened in May, after a discussion about her birth parents, and nothing I have said to her since has made any difference. On the other hand, I believe that Blondie may be beginning to bond with me. I never would have guessed when we brought them home that this would happen. Bubbles was the sweet, cuddly, eager to please one, and Blondie was whiny, annoying and generally unpleasant to be around. Everyone talked about how easy it was to love Bubbles and that it was so difficult to even like Blondie.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride over the last three years, and are finally becoming calmer in the past few weeks. In the begining, I began by trying very hard to bond with them. Then I became so discouraged by their behavior and lack of response to my instruction that I was more inclined to avoid them. Now I'm ready to just let things happen as they happen. If we bond, great, and if we don't, oh well, there's not much I can do about it. I have begun to feel some genuine affection for Blondie, against all odds. I never would have believed that I would like her more than Bubbles, but right now I definitely do. I can only hope that my relationships with both girls will grow over time. It has become much easier to like them since I quit trying to control them as much. Maybe my new attitude will be just what we all needed. Only time will tell.
Monday, September 08, 2008
My Umbrella Color is Pink
What Your Pink Umbrella Says About You |
 When faced with adversity, you respond with compassion. Even if someone is making life difficult for you, you can't help but see things from their perspective. You are emotionally in tune, and you are very sensitive to those around you. You are able to give to those who need it most, even if they are difficult to deal with. On a rainy day: you should offer to help someone who needs you |
The Viruses Have Started
Bucky started feeling sick on Thursday: runny nose and sore throat. He made it through school on Friday and then was sick all weekend. Yesterday he said he was feeling better, but then last night he had a fever of 101. This morning Blondie woke up and told me that she had a runny nose and sore throat. She had no fever so I sent her to school.
Here is what is frustrating. I know that I should keep them at home so they don't spread the germs around. The problem is that if they miss too many days of school, the school reports you to the police and you pay a big fine. So I have to send them to school as much as possible to save up for the days that they are too sick to go. There are days I have sent Bucky to school and just made him stay for a couple of hours to get counted "there" for attendance and then gone to pick him up because he had already missed too many days. I've received the ugly notes from the school threatening to call the police because he had missed too much school. Like 8 days. It's crazy. Anyway, I'd be glad to let them all stay home when they are sick. I just can't. Then on the other hand you get ugly letters from the school saying to keep your kids home when they are sick. You just can't win.
I'm going to start my kids taking Cold Eeze daily or some kind of zinc supplement and try to keep them well.
Here is what is frustrating. I know that I should keep them at home so they don't spread the germs around. The problem is that if they miss too many days of school, the school reports you to the police and you pay a big fine. So I have to send them to school as much as possible to save up for the days that they are too sick to go. There are days I have sent Bucky to school and just made him stay for a couple of hours to get counted "there" for attendance and then gone to pick him up because he had already missed too many days. I've received the ugly notes from the school threatening to call the police because he had missed too much school. Like 8 days. It's crazy. Anyway, I'd be glad to let them all stay home when they are sick. I just can't. Then on the other hand you get ugly letters from the school saying to keep your kids home when they are sick. You just can't win.
I'm going to start my kids taking Cold Eeze daily or some kind of zinc supplement and try to keep them well.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Feeling Successful
I made dinner three days in a row this week, and I have enough leftovers for 7 more meals! I have started doing my cooking in the morning and it makes the afternoons so much less stressful.
So far the teachers aren't complaining. Blondie didn't do her spelling homework one night, and she had to use her one homework pass for the six weeks in order to turn it in late the next day. I found out that it was because she didn't understand it, but instead of asking for help she just didn't do it. That is very typical of her. Fortunately, she cared enough to take care of it the next day. Today at school she requested to go to the nurse because her side hurt. This is also typical behavior. She loves to go see the nurse.
Anyway, I explained to her this week that she will get her slushes and lunches with Mom for free this year, without having to earn them. I have decided to reward them with $1 per A on their report cards instead. I told Blondie that passing 5th grade is entirely up to her. She was shocked, but happy that she would be able to get slushes and lunches without having to earn them. I'm so sick and tired of punishing her all the time. I just want to have some fun with her. I think this will help me feel better towards her.
So far the teachers aren't complaining. Blondie didn't do her spelling homework one night, and she had to use her one homework pass for the six weeks in order to turn it in late the next day. I found out that it was because she didn't understand it, but instead of asking for help she just didn't do it. That is very typical of her. Fortunately, she cared enough to take care of it the next day. Today at school she requested to go to the nurse because her side hurt. This is also typical behavior. She loves to go see the nurse.
Anyway, I explained to her this week that she will get her slushes and lunches with Mom for free this year, without having to earn them. I have decided to reward them with $1 per A on their report cards instead. I told Blondie that passing 5th grade is entirely up to her. She was shocked, but happy that she would be able to get slushes and lunches without having to earn them. I'm so sick and tired of punishing her all the time. I just want to have some fun with her. I think this will help me feel better towards her.
Friday, August 29, 2008
I haven't had any complaints from the teachers yet, and Blondie seems to be doing her homework so far. I've left it entirely up to her whether she wants to do her homework or not. I did, however, want to empower her teachers with some advice about how Blondie responds to correction. I sent them an email yesterday letting them know that if her consequences don't affect her immediate comfort, they are basically useless. I also let them know that she would sabotage any attempts to send home notes that informed me of bad behavior. I let them know that I was very interested in seeing Blondie succeed in 5th grade and that I was available any time they need help with her.
Blondie has four teachers this year (they rotate for each subject) and I got this response from one of them:
"Hey there!
Thank you for emailing us. Blondie has been a sweet girl so far. As of today, she’s been working pretty hard on her school work and working well within her group in my class. I have had to remind her about a few of the class procedures…but other than that, she’s great! Thank you for the tips. I check my emailing often at school, and I have it forwarded to my phone, so if you EVER have a question please don’t hesitate to email me. I usually respond within the hour."
I'm glad to get a good report back. However it is only the first week. She probably won't show her true colors for another week or so. I'm hoping that maturity has improved her behavior this year, but only time will tell. I was very encouraged by the teacher's response. I hope I hear back from the others as well.
Blondie has four teachers this year (they rotate for each subject) and I got this response from one of them:
"Hey there!
Thank you for emailing us. Blondie has been a sweet girl so far. As of today, she’s been working pretty hard on her school work and working well within her group in my class. I have had to remind her about a few of the class procedures…but other than that, she’s great! Thank you for the tips. I check my emailing often at school, and I have it forwarded to my phone, so if you EVER have a question please don’t hesitate to email me. I usually respond within the hour."
I'm glad to get a good report back. However it is only the first week. She probably won't show her true colors for another week or so. I'm hoping that maturity has improved her behavior this year, but only time will tell. I was very encouraged by the teacher's response. I hope I hear back from the others as well.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Feeling Better
I'm feeling a lot better today. Gawdess left an encouraging comment on my last post that helped a lot. It had never occurred to me that I might already be the mom they need for now. I'm hopeful that we will grow together into a closer relationship, and that relaxing and letting it happen will work better than guilt and worrying about it.
I love them but I don't like them. That's another thing someone helped me to realize yesterday. I kept thinking that I sort of love them, and that bothered me a lot. But that isn't true. I love them. I just don't like their behavior, and that drives me away.
I'm also trying to let them deal with the consequences of their actions, such as Blondie not doing her schoolwork and ergo failing 5th grade this year. I fought her all year last year with next to no results, other than my own extreme frustration. This year I am letting go. It is her choice if she does her work or not. She can do it or not do it, fail or not fail. She can behave in class if she wants to, or disobey and miss recess. My rewards and punishments from home have no effect on her when she is at school, so I may as well not do anything.
Last year I offered a slush on Friday to those who obeyed in class all week. This year, everybody gets a slush on Friday. Last year, I would bring them lunch every three weeks, dependent on their progress reports and report cards. This year I'm just going to have lunch with them every three weeks. If I wait for them, particularly Blondie, to earn the good things in life, she won't get any.
I'm going to attempt to take the advice that I got from my sister-in-law when we first brought the girls home. Work on the relationship, and then work on the discipline. I should have listened, because working on the discipline has been so hard that it obliterated our chances at a relationship.
Yesterday when they got home it went very well. Bubbles commented,"Somebody is happy today!" And I really wasn't being silly or anything, just talking and teasing with them a little bit as we went through their papers. I also gave them each a hug that I initiated and they responded to with gusto.
The article on inducement that Gawdess suggested was eye-opening. I pray that I will be able to keep it in mind as I go forward. If you haven't read it and you have adopted foster kids or plan to, you should read it. http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html
I love them but I don't like them. That's another thing someone helped me to realize yesterday. I kept thinking that I sort of love them, and that bothered me a lot. But that isn't true. I love them. I just don't like their behavior, and that drives me away.
I'm also trying to let them deal with the consequences of their actions, such as Blondie not doing her schoolwork and ergo failing 5th grade this year. I fought her all year last year with next to no results, other than my own extreme frustration. This year I am letting go. It is her choice if she does her work or not. She can do it or not do it, fail or not fail. She can behave in class if she wants to, or disobey and miss recess. My rewards and punishments from home have no effect on her when she is at school, so I may as well not do anything.
Last year I offered a slush on Friday to those who obeyed in class all week. This year, everybody gets a slush on Friday. Last year, I would bring them lunch every three weeks, dependent on their progress reports and report cards. This year I'm just going to have lunch with them every three weeks. If I wait for them, particularly Blondie, to earn the good things in life, she won't get any.
I'm going to attempt to take the advice that I got from my sister-in-law when we first brought the girls home. Work on the relationship, and then work on the discipline. I should have listened, because working on the discipline has been so hard that it obliterated our chances at a relationship.
Yesterday when they got home it went very well. Bubbles commented,"Somebody is happy today!" And I really wasn't being silly or anything, just talking and teasing with them a little bit as we went through their papers. I also gave them each a hug that I initiated and they responded to with gusto.
The article on inducement that Gawdess suggested was eye-opening. I pray that I will be able to keep it in mind as I go forward. If you haven't read it and you have adopted foster kids or plan to, you should read it. http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html
Sunday, August 24, 2008
School Starts Tomorrow
School starts tomorrow and that is a huge relief for me. I've survived the summer without killing anyone. I think that I have fallen into a mild depression. I feel that I need someone to talk to, but the problem is that no one understands. I don't have any friends or family who have ever adopted foster kids. My husband and FIL are about the only ones I can talk to that "get it". Talking with my friends just frustrates me, because they suggest all the things I have already tried, and they just don't understand how I can feel the way I do. I'm very hesitant to even express my feelings because everyone feels so sorry for the girls because of their prior circumstances.
I'm about 95% hopeless at this point that they will ever change. That gives me no will to try. I'm still going through the motions, and disciplining them and making them mind. I give them hugs when they ask for them. But I feel numb toward them 99% of the time.
I talked with Boaz about it this morning. He said that I expect too much of myself and I set the bar too high. He said that we need to feed and clothe the girls and keep them safe, and try to be nice to them, and that was a good enough goal for now. My goal is to be the Mom they need, complete with affection, praise and genuine heartfelt love. But I'm unable to provide those last three things. I force myselft to tolerate their presence and speak nicely to them. Then at other times I actually enjoy spending time with them. It's just few and far between.
I want it to be different, but I haven't yet figured out how to change how I feel inside. Is that even possible? I don't know. I do know that the guilt is overwhelming. I know exactly what I should do, and I want to, but when the time comes to act on it, then I don't want to. Does that make sense?
So at this point, I guess my goal is just to feed, clothe and be nice to them. I can't wait for some peace and quiet tomorrow. I'd love to just lay on the floor and cry all day, but I won't. I'll go to my yoga class and out to lunch with a friend, and I'll greet the kids when they get home and make dinner for everyone. And keep holding it all in.
I'm about 95% hopeless at this point that they will ever change. That gives me no will to try. I'm still going through the motions, and disciplining them and making them mind. I give them hugs when they ask for them. But I feel numb toward them 99% of the time.
I talked with Boaz about it this morning. He said that I expect too much of myself and I set the bar too high. He said that we need to feed and clothe the girls and keep them safe, and try to be nice to them, and that was a good enough goal for now. My goal is to be the Mom they need, complete with affection, praise and genuine heartfelt love. But I'm unable to provide those last three things. I force myselft to tolerate their presence and speak nicely to them. Then at other times I actually enjoy spending time with them. It's just few and far between.
I want it to be different, but I haven't yet figured out how to change how I feel inside. Is that even possible? I don't know. I do know that the guilt is overwhelming. I know exactly what I should do, and I want to, but when the time comes to act on it, then I don't want to. Does that make sense?
So at this point, I guess my goal is just to feed, clothe and be nice to them. I can't wait for some peace and quiet tomorrow. I'd love to just lay on the floor and cry all day, but I won't. I'll go to my yoga class and out to lunch with a friend, and I'll greet the kids when they get home and make dinner for everyone. And keep holding it all in.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Internal Struggles
Blondie hasn't improved, and now Bubbles is getting worse. She lied and disobeyed all weekend.
Yesterday Bubbles had a field trip at school. Blondie came home and told on Bubbles for something that happened at school. It wasn't that big of a deal, and the punishment would have been next to nothing, if it was true. Bubbles denied it. In the past, Blondie has been jealous of Bubbles when she gets to go have fun, and she has lied about her to get her in trouble. That's what I thought was happening. I kept my cool, and I told them that they would both have to go into time out until they wanted to tell the truth. They were probably in time out for about 1.5 hours (with me reminding them every 10 minutes that this would end as soon as they wanted to tell the truth, and they were in complete control of it, and could end it whenever they wanted), when I realized that there was a witness to the situation. Blondie had told me that Bubbles' friend was part of it, so I decided to call her for verification. Her friend told me that it did NOT happen. So there was my proof that Blondie was lying. BUT Blondie stubbornly insisted that it DID happen, and that was the wrong girl, it was another girl. Bubbles said the second girl wasn't even there, and had gone home right after the field trip. So I called the first girl's mom again, (embarrassing!) and found out that the second girl WAS there during the situation. So then Bubbles said that the second girl was there for a little while but then left early. So I had to call the second girl. The second girl verified EVERYTHING that Blondie had told me.
I really felt horrible. I was in shock. Bubbles has never done this before. In every situation up until this, Bubbles was telling the truth. In my heart I just knew who was actually lying, but since I couldn't prove it I was just letting both of them sit in time out. I hate punishing an innocent person, but if they were honest all the time, we'd have trust and I'd know who was lying. Anyway, I sincerely apologized to Blondie, because I had been accusing her of lying the whole time, but also telling Bubbles that since she had been lying all weekend I couldn't be sure it wasn't her.
My heart is just broken right now. I thought we were making headway with Bubbles. Now she's acting just like Blondie. I'm so worn down. This job is bigger than I am.
I want to learn to separate myself from their behavior. I want my behavior to not be dependent on theirs. I want to be able to be happy and at peace, no matter what they do, or how disappointing their behavior is. I want to be a mature adult, who sees the big picture when I deal with them. I want to love them unconditionally. I want to be that person, no matter how they turn out or what they do.
Instead, I celebrate when they leave for school, and I dread when they get home. I'm emotionally distant from them. I'm self-protecting from all the hurt and disappointment they cause me. I'm angry that love and logic doesn't work. I've spent two and a half years of my life pouring myself into them and they are still doing the same old things they did when they got here.
Is this how God sees us? He gave us a bible, and He is ready and willing to hear our prayers, and He has supplied us with everything we need to make the right decisions and live a good life. But instead we ignore Him and go off on our own, over and over again. But He doesn't lose hope and become emotionally distant. He doesn't dread my prayers or feel disgusted with my feeble attempts to read my bible. He's still there cheering me on, longing for me, no matter what. Why can't I be like that? I want to be.
I had no idea how hard this would be. I thought I was a better person than I am. I'm turning bitter toward them. How can this be? I guess you would have to spend two and a half years with them to know.
I called my FIL crying this morning, disappointed in myself and in them. He told me that he thought God sent the girls to me because anyone else would have given up on them and that I won't. Lately I've just been wanting them gone. Of course I won't act on those feelings, but it's like that dream of what you would do if you won a million dollars.
If I could go back and undo this adoption, I would, in a heartbeat. So fast it would make your head spin. Or maybe I wouldn't. Because somewhere, deep down, I love them and I still have hope. I'd be willing to try it for a little while longer. It's funny, as I let my mind try that on, suddenly I started backing up. I don't want them to go! I just want them to try. That's all. And I want to be the mom they need. I just wish I knew how.
Yesterday Bubbles had a field trip at school. Blondie came home and told on Bubbles for something that happened at school. It wasn't that big of a deal, and the punishment would have been next to nothing, if it was true. Bubbles denied it. In the past, Blondie has been jealous of Bubbles when she gets to go have fun, and she has lied about her to get her in trouble. That's what I thought was happening. I kept my cool, and I told them that they would both have to go into time out until they wanted to tell the truth. They were probably in time out for about 1.5 hours (with me reminding them every 10 minutes that this would end as soon as they wanted to tell the truth, and they were in complete control of it, and could end it whenever they wanted), when I realized that there was a witness to the situation. Blondie had told me that Bubbles' friend was part of it, so I decided to call her for verification. Her friend told me that it did NOT happen. So there was my proof that Blondie was lying. BUT Blondie stubbornly insisted that it DID happen, and that was the wrong girl, it was another girl. Bubbles said the second girl wasn't even there, and had gone home right after the field trip. So I called the first girl's mom again, (embarrassing!) and found out that the second girl WAS there during the situation. So then Bubbles said that the second girl was there for a little while but then left early. So I had to call the second girl. The second girl verified EVERYTHING that Blondie had told me.
I really felt horrible. I was in shock. Bubbles has never done this before. In every situation up until this, Bubbles was telling the truth. In my heart I just knew who was actually lying, but since I couldn't prove it I was just letting both of them sit in time out. I hate punishing an innocent person, but if they were honest all the time, we'd have trust and I'd know who was lying. Anyway, I sincerely apologized to Blondie, because I had been accusing her of lying the whole time, but also telling Bubbles that since she had been lying all weekend I couldn't be sure it wasn't her.
My heart is just broken right now. I thought we were making headway with Bubbles. Now she's acting just like Blondie. I'm so worn down. This job is bigger than I am.
I want to learn to separate myself from their behavior. I want my behavior to not be dependent on theirs. I want to be able to be happy and at peace, no matter what they do, or how disappointing their behavior is. I want to be a mature adult, who sees the big picture when I deal with them. I want to love them unconditionally. I want to be that person, no matter how they turn out or what they do.
Instead, I celebrate when they leave for school, and I dread when they get home. I'm emotionally distant from them. I'm self-protecting from all the hurt and disappointment they cause me. I'm angry that love and logic doesn't work. I've spent two and a half years of my life pouring myself into them and they are still doing the same old things they did when they got here.
Is this how God sees us? He gave us a bible, and He is ready and willing to hear our prayers, and He has supplied us with everything we need to make the right decisions and live a good life. But instead we ignore Him and go off on our own, over and over again. But He doesn't lose hope and become emotionally distant. He doesn't dread my prayers or feel disgusted with my feeble attempts to read my bible. He's still there cheering me on, longing for me, no matter what. Why can't I be like that? I want to be.
I had no idea how hard this would be. I thought I was a better person than I am. I'm turning bitter toward them. How can this be? I guess you would have to spend two and a half years with them to know.
I called my FIL crying this morning, disappointed in myself and in them. He told me that he thought God sent the girls to me because anyone else would have given up on them and that I won't. Lately I've just been wanting them gone. Of course I won't act on those feelings, but it's like that dream of what you would do if you won a million dollars.
If I could go back and undo this adoption, I would, in a heartbeat. So fast it would make your head spin. Or maybe I wouldn't. Because somewhere, deep down, I love them and I still have hope. I'd be willing to try it for a little while longer. It's funny, as I let my mind try that on, suddenly I started backing up. I don't want them to go! I just want them to try. That's all. And I want to be the mom they need. I just wish I knew how.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
More Choices
I'm working hard to come up with ways to give her more choices. This morning I asked her what fruit she wanted in her lunch and what kind of jelly she wanted on her sandwich. I don't know if it will help, but I do want to empower her in any way I can.
I forgot about this one: I've been fighting her all year trying to get her to do her schoolwork. I even went up and sat in her classroom one day. All to no avail. She was still throwing away her papers as late as last week. So I gave up. I told her that she doesn't have to do anymore homework, I don't care, as she obviously doesn't care as she has shown over and over and over all year long. Anyway she was pretty shocked by that announcement. I told her that if she wants to fail fourth grade that badly, I would no longer stand in her way. Have at it.
She's been doing her homework ever since. It's kind of funny actually. She brings me her folder, and as I pull the papers out I ask her, "Would you like to do this or throw it away?" and she always says she wants to do it. Of course, that doesn't mean she isn't still throwing some away at school. But I've put the decision in her hands. I want to protect her from herself, but it's more work than I can handle. Some things are just going to have to slide if I'm going to get through this with my sanity.
I forgot about this one: I've been fighting her all year trying to get her to do her schoolwork. I even went up and sat in her classroom one day. All to no avail. She was still throwing away her papers as late as last week. So I gave up. I told her that she doesn't have to do anymore homework, I don't care, as she obviously doesn't care as she has shown over and over and over all year long. Anyway she was pretty shocked by that announcement. I told her that if she wants to fail fourth grade that badly, I would no longer stand in her way. Have at it.
She's been doing her homework ever since. It's kind of funny actually. She brings me her folder, and as I pull the papers out I ask her, "Would you like to do this or throw it away?" and she always says she wants to do it. Of course, that doesn't mean she isn't still throwing some away at school. But I've put the decision in her hands. I want to protect her from herself, but it's more work than I can handle. Some things are just going to have to slide if I'm going to get through this with my sanity.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
More Lying
Lying about food. Again.
This time she brought her lunch to school, but she decided to use her lunch ticket instead. She lied to her teacher and told her she had my permission. Her lunch ticket only has a few dollars on it, and it is for emergencies in case she forgets her lunch and I'm across town somewhere and can't bring it to her.
So I took the money out of her allowance and made her pay for it. She also had oatmeal for supper and went to bed early for her disobedience.
Last Friday she snuck her headphones to school, after asking me if she could take something to school. I told her no, because that is a privilege they get on Fridays if they have behaved at school all week, and she hadn't.
She is very rebellious, but she hides it. She cooperates to our faces, but then does whatever she wants behind our backs. I really don't know how to handle this. I want to give her more control, but she makes poor choices, and I think that is poor parenting. If a child isn't old enough or responsible enough to make safe, healthy choices for themselves then they don't need to be in charge of their own care.
It's so hard to deal with a kid that just doesn't care. She just DOESN'T CARE. I can reward and punish until hell freezes over, but I can't make her care.
We told her that from now on, if she directly disobeys us (breaking an established rule), vs. just being impulsive (like talking out of turn in class) she will lose something out of her room. She will also have to wear plain white t-shirts and jeans for a week, instead of getting to pick out her own clothes from the array of new things I bought her in the past couple of weeks.
It's easy to want to just give up and quit trying. Nothing I've done has gotten through to her yet, and I have no reason to believe that it will. I have to remember that she is in God's hands, not mine. It's so hard to wait for him to heal the broken places inside her.
I'm angry that she is messed up inside from what was done to her, and she is left to deal with the fallout. It's not her fault that she was neglected and abused as a child. I know that developmentally she didn't receive the right input at the right times. But why should she have to suffer for it for the rest of her life?
I'm just rambling and upset. I wish, wish, wish that I could help this child, help her understand that I love her and care about her and that I am her greatest resource here on this earth, as mother, friend, mentor, teacher. But she pays more attention to the leaves blowing by on the sidewalk than any of my counsel. It hurts that I can't reach her.
I feel such a crazy mix of compassion, understanding, pain and anger. I was so naive when I signed up for this.
This time she brought her lunch to school, but she decided to use her lunch ticket instead. She lied to her teacher and told her she had my permission. Her lunch ticket only has a few dollars on it, and it is for emergencies in case she forgets her lunch and I'm across town somewhere and can't bring it to her.
So I took the money out of her allowance and made her pay for it. She also had oatmeal for supper and went to bed early for her disobedience.
Last Friday she snuck her headphones to school, after asking me if she could take something to school. I told her no, because that is a privilege they get on Fridays if they have behaved at school all week, and she hadn't.
She is very rebellious, but she hides it. She cooperates to our faces, but then does whatever she wants behind our backs. I really don't know how to handle this. I want to give her more control, but she makes poor choices, and I think that is poor parenting. If a child isn't old enough or responsible enough to make safe, healthy choices for themselves then they don't need to be in charge of their own care.
It's so hard to deal with a kid that just doesn't care. She just DOESN'T CARE. I can reward and punish until hell freezes over, but I can't make her care.
We told her that from now on, if she directly disobeys us (breaking an established rule), vs. just being impulsive (like talking out of turn in class) she will lose something out of her room. She will also have to wear plain white t-shirts and jeans for a week, instead of getting to pick out her own clothes from the array of new things I bought her in the past couple of weeks.
It's easy to want to just give up and quit trying. Nothing I've done has gotten through to her yet, and I have no reason to believe that it will. I have to remember that she is in God's hands, not mine. It's so hard to wait for him to heal the broken places inside her.
I'm angry that she is messed up inside from what was done to her, and she is left to deal with the fallout. It's not her fault that she was neglected and abused as a child. I know that developmentally she didn't receive the right input at the right times. But why should she have to suffer for it for the rest of her life?
I'm just rambling and upset. I wish, wish, wish that I could help this child, help her understand that I love her and care about her and that I am her greatest resource here on this earth, as mother, friend, mentor, teacher. But she pays more attention to the leaves blowing by on the sidewalk than any of my counsel. It hurts that I can't reach her.
I feel such a crazy mix of compassion, understanding, pain and anger. I was so naive when I signed up for this.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Cheese Pizza and Cheezits
Blondie is allergic to dairy products. When she first came to live with me, her nose was so stopped up that she sounded like Darth Vader all the time, particularly when she was sleeping. The doctor had us do saline flushes five time a day. We finally got her nose cleared up and got her off dairy products and her breathing has been fine since then. Once she cheated and ate ice cream and got an ear infection, but that was about a year ago.
Anyway, Bubbles came home yesterday and told me that she had seen Blondie in the bathroom before school, eating pizza and cheezits. Both kids eat breakfast before going to school every day, and they bring their lunch with them. So it isn't like she is going to school hungry. This all goes back to her food issues. But she has a nice friend who we'll call Sweetie. One day when I took Sonic to Blondie for lunch, Sweetie sat with us and told me that I should send Blondie more food. Blondie was embarrassed and gave me a tiny headshake no. I said to Sweetie, "I think Blondie just likes to eat other peoples' food." I had been sending extra food with Blondie for a while, but she told me to stop because it was too much. Evidently it's because she's eating Sweetie's food!
Anyway, she denied and denied and denied that she had eaten the food, and accused Bubbles of lying about her. Due to every past encounter like this, I was pretty sure that Bubbles was telling the truth, but Blondie can be very convincing even when lying through her teeth, so I went back to Bubbles a couple of times and questioned her. I told Blondie that I really needed her to tell me the truth and that if she didn't tell me, I wouldn't let her go on the field trip in two weeks. She continued to deny. So I called the school and got her friend's number. She was adamant that I call her friend to verify her story. So was Bubbles. So frustrated at this point, but holding my temper. I talked to Blondie alone one more time, and explained that by calling her friend, we could very well get her in trouble with her mother for using her meal ticket to buy food for Blondie, and that Sweetie might not appreciate that and continue to want to be friends. She still insisted that I call her. So I did. But I didn't get an answer and I left a message for her mom to call me back.
THEN. THEN! I asked Blondie how I knew that she hadn't already told her friend to lie for her. And she said, "I didn't ask her to lie. I forgot all about it. When we were coming down the driveway just now I was really happy because I had forgotten all about it." Oops!
So I said, "You just told me the truth. Do you realize that?" And her face fell and she realized that she had let the cat out of the bag. So she lost her chance to go on the field trip. And she gets to do Bubbles' chores for the next two weeks in addition to her own for accusing her of lying.
I called the VP at her school this morning, and she talked to Sweetie about the situation. Sweetie said that Blondie has been telling her that she doesn't get breakfast in the mornings, and Sweetie thinks I don't send enough food for Blondie. The VP explained that it wasn't safe for Blondie to be eating food in bathroom because she could choke and no one would know, and besides it's just gross! She also mentioned that Blondie might have allergies she didn't know about, and that she needed to let Blondie's mother determine what Blondie eats.
Oh, and she lied to me on Monday and told me that she forgot to bring home her folder with her behavior chart. Then when she brought it home yesterday, she had scribbled out what the teacher wrote in it.
She had really been doing better the past two weeks. I guess she just couldn't keep it up.
Anyway, Bubbles came home yesterday and told me that she had seen Blondie in the bathroom before school, eating pizza and cheezits. Both kids eat breakfast before going to school every day, and they bring their lunch with them. So it isn't like she is going to school hungry. This all goes back to her food issues. But she has a nice friend who we'll call Sweetie. One day when I took Sonic to Blondie for lunch, Sweetie sat with us and told me that I should send Blondie more food. Blondie was embarrassed and gave me a tiny headshake no. I said to Sweetie, "I think Blondie just likes to eat other peoples' food." I had been sending extra food with Blondie for a while, but she told me to stop because it was too much. Evidently it's because she's eating Sweetie's food!
Anyway, she denied and denied and denied that she had eaten the food, and accused Bubbles of lying about her. Due to every past encounter like this, I was pretty sure that Bubbles was telling the truth, but Blondie can be very convincing even when lying through her teeth, so I went back to Bubbles a couple of times and questioned her. I told Blondie that I really needed her to tell me the truth and that if she didn't tell me, I wouldn't let her go on the field trip in two weeks. She continued to deny. So I called the school and got her friend's number. She was adamant that I call her friend to verify her story. So was Bubbles. So frustrated at this point, but holding my temper. I talked to Blondie alone one more time, and explained that by calling her friend, we could very well get her in trouble with her mother for using her meal ticket to buy food for Blondie, and that Sweetie might not appreciate that and continue to want to be friends. She still insisted that I call her. So I did. But I didn't get an answer and I left a message for her mom to call me back.
THEN. THEN! I asked Blondie how I knew that she hadn't already told her friend to lie for her. And she said, "I didn't ask her to lie. I forgot all about it. When we were coming down the driveway just now I was really happy because I had forgotten all about it." Oops!
So I said, "You just told me the truth. Do you realize that?" And her face fell and she realized that she had let the cat out of the bag. So she lost her chance to go on the field trip. And she gets to do Bubbles' chores for the next two weeks in addition to her own for accusing her of lying.
I called the VP at her school this morning, and she talked to Sweetie about the situation. Sweetie said that Blondie has been telling her that she doesn't get breakfast in the mornings, and Sweetie thinks I don't send enough food for Blondie. The VP explained that it wasn't safe for Blondie to be eating food in bathroom because she could choke and no one would know, and besides it's just gross! She also mentioned that Blondie might have allergies she didn't know about, and that she needed to let Blondie's mother determine what Blondie eats.
Oh, and she lied to me on Monday and told me that she forgot to bring home her folder with her behavior chart. Then when she brought it home yesterday, she had scribbled out what the teacher wrote in it.
She had really been doing better the past two weeks. I guess she just couldn't keep it up.
Friday, April 25, 2008
She Might Pass
I talked with Blondie's principal again yesterday. Her grades have been borderline all year, but the only subject she is truly in danger of failing is social studies. He said that they look at the core classes and that they wouldn't hold her back just for social studies. There are also state tests that need to be passed but he said they have some power in the decision making process there too. He said that he talked to her teacher yesterday, and her teacher felt that she would be able to go on to the fifth grade if she will just slow down and try a little harder before just putting down any answer.
So that is good news. I requested to have her tested for additional services, but he said that they have to try doing tutoring before the state will allow them to spend the money. So far she is still scraping by. If they try to fail her without doing the testing, I'm going to be upset. If she passes then we'll have more time to deal with it next year if she can't keep up.
So that is good news. I requested to have her tested for additional services, but he said that they have to try doing tutoring before the state will allow them to spend the money. So far she is still scraping by. If they try to fail her without doing the testing, I'm going to be upset. If she passes then we'll have more time to deal with it next year if she can't keep up.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Time to Think
I've spent a lot of time thinking, and I've realized some ways that I can improve my parenting of Bubbles and Blondie.
1) I need to stop looking at everything they do through a negative filter. It didn't start out that way. I was on the right track when we started. I had high hopes for them and just knew that we would all bond into a loving family over time. Instead, we began to deteriorate over time. As we were disappointed over and over and over, and nothing I said or did seemed to make a difference, I started to give up. I grew angry and distant. I was civil but not especially nice. I just knew that everything they did was manipulative and fake. In fact, it probably is, but that isn't my point. When they do something nice, that they should do, I need to praise them for it, even when I know it is fake and they have ulterior motives. How will they want to do the right thing for the right reasons, if I don't respond as if they did? Does that make sense? If I praise and reward them for doing the right things, hopefully they will eventually do them for the right reasons. Either way, I need to release all the negative feelings that have built up inside me toward them.
2) I need to see their failures principally as they affect them, instead of how they offend me. I'm really working on that one. In the beginning, I was trying to enforce my power over them, and was highly offended that they would dare to disobey or lie to me. Now I'm just trying to look at how those behaviors will affect their lives. I'm also working harder than ever to make the punishment related to the crime.
Some examples:
On Saturday, we went as a family to the wildlife park and my parents came too. Blondie was sitting next to me in the van, and turned to tell me something and her breath was so bad I nearly passed out! I asked her if she brushed her teeth, and she lied and said she did. I asked to see her teeth and they were gummy and yellow. Ew. I asked if she used toothpaste and she said no. I'm sure she didn't brush them at all. So I asked Bubbles if she had brushed her teeth and she said no. I had specifically reminded both of them to brush their teeth before we left. I asked her why she didn't and she said she just didn't feel like it. So I told them both that we would be stopping at the next grocery store and they would have to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste with their own money and brush their teeth at the wildlife park. They were not allowed to talk until they brushed their teeth due to their bad breath. I also made them brush their teeth with baking soda the next three times after we got home to help them appreciate the nice tasting toothpaste I provide for them.
Today, Bubbles came home with a note that she was cheating at school. I took her into my room to talk to her alone about it. I didn't even feel angry. Normally I would have yelled and punished her. I asked her about what happened and she said that one of her friends was struggling on the practice test, so she offered to let her cheat off her paper. They were both caught and got in trouble. I explained to Bubbles that she isn't helping her friend in the long run if she does this. I also explained to her that letting people use you isn't the best way to make friends. I encouraged her that she is a sweet fun girl and doesn't need to bribe people to be friends with her. Then I gave her a bowl of oatmeal and sent her to bed early while the rest of us had nacho night.
I'm still in there trying.
1) I need to stop looking at everything they do through a negative filter. It didn't start out that way. I was on the right track when we started. I had high hopes for them and just knew that we would all bond into a loving family over time. Instead, we began to deteriorate over time. As we were disappointed over and over and over, and nothing I said or did seemed to make a difference, I started to give up. I grew angry and distant. I was civil but not especially nice. I just knew that everything they did was manipulative and fake. In fact, it probably is, but that isn't my point. When they do something nice, that they should do, I need to praise them for it, even when I know it is fake and they have ulterior motives. How will they want to do the right thing for the right reasons, if I don't respond as if they did? Does that make sense? If I praise and reward them for doing the right things, hopefully they will eventually do them for the right reasons. Either way, I need to release all the negative feelings that have built up inside me toward them.
2) I need to see their failures principally as they affect them, instead of how they offend me. I'm really working on that one. In the beginning, I was trying to enforce my power over them, and was highly offended that they would dare to disobey or lie to me. Now I'm just trying to look at how those behaviors will affect their lives. I'm also working harder than ever to make the punishment related to the crime.
Some examples:
On Saturday, we went as a family to the wildlife park and my parents came too. Blondie was sitting next to me in the van, and turned to tell me something and her breath was so bad I nearly passed out! I asked her if she brushed her teeth, and she lied and said she did. I asked to see her teeth and they were gummy and yellow. Ew. I asked if she used toothpaste and she said no. I'm sure she didn't brush them at all. So I asked Bubbles if she had brushed her teeth and she said no. I had specifically reminded both of them to brush their teeth before we left. I asked her why she didn't and she said she just didn't feel like it. So I told them both that we would be stopping at the next grocery store and they would have to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste with their own money and brush their teeth at the wildlife park. They were not allowed to talk until they brushed their teeth due to their bad breath. I also made them brush their teeth with baking soda the next three times after we got home to help them appreciate the nice tasting toothpaste I provide for them.
Today, Bubbles came home with a note that she was cheating at school. I took her into my room to talk to her alone about it. I didn't even feel angry. Normally I would have yelled and punished her. I asked her about what happened and she said that one of her friends was struggling on the practice test, so she offered to let her cheat off her paper. They were both caught and got in trouble. I explained to Bubbles that she isn't helping her friend in the long run if she does this. I also explained to her that letting people use you isn't the best way to make friends. I encouraged her that she is a sweet fun girl and doesn't need to bribe people to be friends with her. Then I gave her a bowl of oatmeal and sent her to bed early while the rest of us had nacho night.
I'm still in there trying.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Keeping Her In
I'm considering a door alarm and a video monitor. Does anyone use these, and could you recommend one?
Ready to Give Up
I quit.
That's what I really want to do. SIGH
I'm realizing that a big part of the problem is ME. I have control issues.
SIGH
I can't control her. I need to learn to look at things as they happen, and not as to how I think that behavior will manifest itself in the future. I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind, and then reacting to those things instead of what actually happened. I need to get a grip.
The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I had no idea what I was getting into when I adopted these girls. And compared to a lot of stories I've read on others' blogs, my girls are EASY. Except they aren't teens yet, and that is what scares me. I wonder about the horrors yet to come. Relax, get a grip.
I just want to cry. I've tried so HARD. But all I've done is upset myself. It doesn't change their behavior if I'm nice, mean, attentive, indifferent, happy, angry, advising or holding my tongue. Actually, that's not true. Bubbles is a success story for the most part. So I'm not all bad. And everyone tells me how much the girls have changed since we got them, and how good they are doing now.
But I feel defeated. Ready to throw in the towel. Boaz says I need to focus on changing me because I can't change Blondie. I have to learn how to stay calm and rational in the face of fear and shock. Of course it's my own fault that I was afraid and shocked I guess.
Last night after Blondie and Bubbles had been upstairs in bed for nearly an hour, Babygirl thought of something she needed in her room and ran upstairs to get it. When she got there, she found Blondie huddled in a corner hiding in her room. Blondie stood up, said "Hi Babygirl" and then ran past her out of the room.
So Babygirl told Blondie to come downstairs with her and told me what happened.
It scared me. I was freaked out. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But images of her sneaking into Babygirl's room with evil intent in the middle of the night was going through my head. Having an uncontrollable child wandering through the house at night is unacceptable to me. I did ask her what she was doing in there, and she said she was listening to us downstairs. We weren't talking about anything, really. Babygirl was on the family computer and Bucky and I were playing a game together on the laptop. There wasn't anything to hear. But I had made her close her door and I guess she didn't like that and wanted to listen to us. Or maybe she was lying to me. I really don't know. I do know that she can't be sneaking into Babygirl's room.
I yelled a lot. I said a couple of curse words. I'm really ashamed of my behavior. I wish I could rewind a few years and change this mess. I wish I could rewind about 12 hours.
I need to learn to deal with problems better. Only usually, I'm a calm person. It's just that the stress of the past few years has really gotten to me.
Think long and hard before you adopt kids from foster care. Make sure that you don't have any underlying anger or control issues. You will be challenged to your wit's end. Be sure you can handle it. I'm having a hard time.
That's what I really want to do. SIGH
I'm realizing that a big part of the problem is ME. I have control issues.
SIGH
I can't control her. I need to learn to look at things as they happen, and not as to how I think that behavior will manifest itself in the future. I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind, and then reacting to those things instead of what actually happened. I need to get a grip.
The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I had no idea what I was getting into when I adopted these girls. And compared to a lot of stories I've read on others' blogs, my girls are EASY. Except they aren't teens yet, and that is what scares me. I wonder about the horrors yet to come. Relax, get a grip.
I just want to cry. I've tried so HARD. But all I've done is upset myself. It doesn't change their behavior if I'm nice, mean, attentive, indifferent, happy, angry, advising or holding my tongue. Actually, that's not true. Bubbles is a success story for the most part. So I'm not all bad. And everyone tells me how much the girls have changed since we got them, and how good they are doing now.
But I feel defeated. Ready to throw in the towel. Boaz says I need to focus on changing me because I can't change Blondie. I have to learn how to stay calm and rational in the face of fear and shock. Of course it's my own fault that I was afraid and shocked I guess.
Last night after Blondie and Bubbles had been upstairs in bed for nearly an hour, Babygirl thought of something she needed in her room and ran upstairs to get it. When she got there, she found Blondie huddled in a corner hiding in her room. Blondie stood up, said "Hi Babygirl" and then ran past her out of the room.
So Babygirl told Blondie to come downstairs with her and told me what happened.
It scared me. I was freaked out. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But images of her sneaking into Babygirl's room with evil intent in the middle of the night was going through my head. Having an uncontrollable child wandering through the house at night is unacceptable to me. I did ask her what she was doing in there, and she said she was listening to us downstairs. We weren't talking about anything, really. Babygirl was on the family computer and Bucky and I were playing a game together on the laptop. There wasn't anything to hear. But I had made her close her door and I guess she didn't like that and wanted to listen to us. Or maybe she was lying to me. I really don't know. I do know that she can't be sneaking into Babygirl's room.
I yelled a lot. I said a couple of curse words. I'm really ashamed of my behavior. I wish I could rewind a few years and change this mess. I wish I could rewind about 12 hours.
I need to learn to deal with problems better. Only usually, I'm a calm person. It's just that the stress of the past few years has really gotten to me.
Think long and hard before you adopt kids from foster care. Make sure that you don't have any underlying anger or control issues. You will be challenged to your wit's end. Be sure you can handle it. I'm having a hard time.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Response to Anonymous
I had an anonymous poster say about my "Hard to Explain" post:
you said "it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring...." but in your explanation of the situation, you did not describe her asking for advice. Only described her telling you or maybe even venting that glue keeps getting on her lunchbox. If that is the case, and she did not ask for your advice.. then aren't you the one who wasn't very nice?She was venting and you were "fixing". Often times our kids need our ear and our understanding more than they need anything else.
Maybe so. In thinking back over the situation, she didn't actually ask...but she said it the way she always does when she wants my help. She wants me to fix everything. She comes to me with a complaint and then looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. It was the tattling voice that she uses when complains about her sister's stuff on her side of the room. etc. It wasn't just a sad, needing some comfort kind of voice. I frequently do say something to the effect of "I'm sorry to hear that" and that makes her mad too. I get that same glare. I guess you might have to live with her day to day and see her body language and know her to understand, and to have lived with her for the past two and a half years and know her cues.
I think she really wanted me to say this: "I'll come up to the school and talk to your teacher and see if she will talk to them about not getting glue on your lunchbox." But instead of taking it on myself, I offered a solution that involved HER changing something, and she didn't appreciate that. Next time though, I think I'll ask her to try to think of a solution, and see if we can come up with one together. Obviously, if I'd known it was going to blow up like that I would have done it differently. Hindsight is 20/20 you know.
you said "it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring...." but in your explanation of the situation, you did not describe her asking for advice. Only described her telling you or maybe even venting that glue keeps getting on her lunchbox. If that is the case, and she did not ask for your advice.. then aren't you the one who wasn't very nice?She was venting and you were "fixing". Often times our kids need our ear and our understanding more than they need anything else.
Maybe so. In thinking back over the situation, she didn't actually ask...but she said it the way she always does when she wants my help. She wants me to fix everything. She comes to me with a complaint and then looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. It was the tattling voice that she uses when complains about her sister's stuff on her side of the room. etc. It wasn't just a sad, needing some comfort kind of voice. I frequently do say something to the effect of "I'm sorry to hear that" and that makes her mad too. I get that same glare. I guess you might have to live with her day to day and see her body language and know her to understand, and to have lived with her for the past two and a half years and know her cues.
I think she really wanted me to say this: "I'll come up to the school and talk to your teacher and see if she will talk to them about not getting glue on your lunchbox." But instead of taking it on myself, I offered a solution that involved HER changing something, and she didn't appreciate that. Next time though, I think I'll ask her to try to think of a solution, and see if we can come up with one together. Obviously, if I'd known it was going to blow up like that I would have done it differently. Hindsight is 20/20 you know.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
SIGH
Okay, so I should be thankful that it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I started by taking Blondie into my room and telling her that we were going to see what she has learned in the past 2 1/2 years. She said okay. She knows that means that I'm looking for a truthful answer to the next question. I pulled out the earrings and asked her to tell me everything she knew about them. She said that someone gave them to her. I asked her who, and she said a friend. She said um...uh...I'm trying to remember her name....um...I said you are lying to me. She said no, a friend did give them to her! I said who was it? She said um, uh, I'm trying to think of her name. I said unless you can tell me her name you are lying to me. She said it was Avery. I said okay, let's go call Avery and see if she says that she gave these to you. She said no, it wasn't Avery. So I asked again who it was, and she said it was KS (a boy). I asked why he gave them to her and she said she didn't know. He just walked up and handed them to her and she said thanks and that's it. Right.
Anyway, I'm thankful that it wasn't a big ordeal to find out who they belonged to. Now I just have to get his phone number and call his mother so I can find out where the earrings came from. If they are hers, they need to go back.
Blondie went to bed early tonight. Her birthday party plans are in jeopardy due to her poor behavior.
Anyway, I'm thankful that it wasn't a big ordeal to find out who they belonged to. Now I just have to get his phone number and call his mother so I can find out where the earrings came from. If they are hers, they need to go back.
Blondie went to bed early tonight. Her birthday party plans are in jeopardy due to her poor behavior.
Dangly Pink Earrings
As I was doing the laundry, I found some dangly pink earrings. Since they had already been washed, they had fallen out of whatever pocket they were hidden in and I don't know who stole/found/hid them. I do have a good idea though.
Babygirl has never stolen anything in her life, and absolutely hates pink, so there's no question there. Blondie lies/disobeys/sneaks things all the time. Bubbles still lies sometimes, disobeys occasionally, and hardly ever sneaks things anymore.
But therein lies my dilemma. I can tell you without a doubt that Blondie and Bubbles will deny having ever seen said earrings or brought them home. Lately, Bubbles has been better about admitting the truth when confronted. We have been trying to teach them from day one to tell the truth and accept the consequences for their actions, instead of lying and having more consequences than they would have. Blondie will usually deny the truth when it is staring her in the face and there is no question at all who did it. But sometimes Bubbles lies too. It's hard to use my intuition on these things, because they are both very convincing liars. They can summon outrage and tears when they are guilty as sin. If you didn't know better, you'd believe that neither of them had never done anything wrong in their entire lives. They're that good.
My gut says it was Blondie, just because it usually is. But we'll see what happens this afternoon when they get home.
I hate these situations. Hopefully someone will own up to it instead of there being a big ordeal.
Babygirl has never stolen anything in her life, and absolutely hates pink, so there's no question there. Blondie lies/disobeys/sneaks things all the time. Bubbles still lies sometimes, disobeys occasionally, and hardly ever sneaks things anymore.
But therein lies my dilemma. I can tell you without a doubt that Blondie and Bubbles will deny having ever seen said earrings or brought them home. Lately, Bubbles has been better about admitting the truth when confronted. We have been trying to teach them from day one to tell the truth and accept the consequences for their actions, instead of lying and having more consequences than they would have. Blondie will usually deny the truth when it is staring her in the face and there is no question at all who did it. But sometimes Bubbles lies too. It's hard to use my intuition on these things, because they are both very convincing liars. They can summon outrage and tears when they are guilty as sin. If you didn't know better, you'd believe that neither of them had never done anything wrong in their entire lives. They're that good.
My gut says it was Blondie, just because it usually is. But we'll see what happens this afternoon when they get home.
I hate these situations. Hopefully someone will own up to it instead of there being a big ordeal.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Pretty Good Week
Blondie had a pretty good week at school, I think. She was rude to her teacher on Thursday and had to go to bed early, but other than that she did well. Whenever her teacher stamps her folder I have asked her to initial it too, because once Blondie snuck into her desk and stamped her own folder so I don't know for sure when there is just a stamp.
Anyway, I'm trying the two armed hugs now. I think she was a bit surprised at first but she returned it warmly. We rode home together today from a trip out to the country to drop off Babygirl and she opened up a bit to me, and complained about the horror movies her bio parents let her watch and how they still scare her when she thinks about it. One was about Uncle Sam, and so images of him scare her. She was six or less when she watched it. I know she also saw the Chucky movies.
Sick, sick people.
Anyway, I'm trying the two armed hugs now. I think she was a bit surprised at first but she returned it warmly. We rode home together today from a trip out to the country to drop off Babygirl and she opened up a bit to me, and complained about the horror movies her bio parents let her watch and how they still scare her when she thinks about it. One was about Uncle Sam, and so images of him scare her. She was six or less when she watched it. I know she also saw the Chucky movies.
Sick, sick people.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
More Hugs
We all need more hugs. Babygirl is going through a transitional time and needs more affection right now, and was wise enough to tell me.
I've also noticed that Blondie is making a point to come to me each morning and when she gets home from school to get a hug. And I've noticed that I'm more receptive because I'm not so mad at her. Most of my hugs for her in the past have been the unenthusiastic one armed kind, because she defies me at every point and then wants a hug. I'm going to make a point to give her warmer, two armed hugs. :)
She's doing better over all. She did have another episode of denying reality two nights ago when Boaz asked her if she was doing a particular thing, and she said no, and then he told her that he saw her do it and she still denied it. It's very frustrating. But it's happening less often. She seems to be doing more of her schoolwork, but she could just be covering better right now. Hopefully she really is, but we'll find out tomorrow or next Friday, whenever report cards come out.
I'm very concerned that she will fail fourth grade this year. Her grades have been atrocious and she has failed the state exams. If she does fail, it will be her second time to do so and she will be in the same grade as Bubbles. I hate to see that happen, but there's nothing I can do. I've tried every way I know to motivate her with minimal results. I've seen the most response from her when I'm excited that she brought home her homework, so that "I get to learn about social studies tonight" or "I love those hard spelling words!" I think she'll work for praise, it's just been so hard to give it when I was so mad. It's like I read on another blog, I've been forced to examine things in myself that I'm not proud of. But I'm really trying.
I've also noticed that Blondie is making a point to come to me each morning and when she gets home from school to get a hug. And I've noticed that I'm more receptive because I'm not so mad at her. Most of my hugs for her in the past have been the unenthusiastic one armed kind, because she defies me at every point and then wants a hug. I'm going to make a point to give her warmer, two armed hugs. :)
She's doing better over all. She did have another episode of denying reality two nights ago when Boaz asked her if she was doing a particular thing, and she said no, and then he told her that he saw her do it and she still denied it. It's very frustrating. But it's happening less often. She seems to be doing more of her schoolwork, but she could just be covering better right now. Hopefully she really is, but we'll find out tomorrow or next Friday, whenever report cards come out.
I'm very concerned that she will fail fourth grade this year. Her grades have been atrocious and she has failed the state exams. If she does fail, it will be her second time to do so and she will be in the same grade as Bubbles. I hate to see that happen, but there's nothing I can do. I've tried every way I know to motivate her with minimal results. I've seen the most response from her when I'm excited that she brought home her homework, so that "I get to learn about social studies tonight" or "I love those hard spelling words!" I think she'll work for praise, it's just been so hard to give it when I was so mad. It's like I read on another blog, I've been forced to examine things in myself that I'm not proud of. But I'm really trying.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Hard to Explain
It might seem crazy, but I find it hard to explain sometimes what the problem with Blondie is. She's so sweet and charming to everyone else. In fact, she's even sweet and charming with me. So what's the problem? I know, but it's hard to explain.
Before I start over with a new counselor, I want to have my thoughts collected, so I'm going to use this blog to do it. Forgive me if I sound like I'm nitpicking, but I need to write down everything so I can see trends.
This morning she complained that people keep getting glue on her lunchbox. I asked her how this was happening. She said that she gets her lunchbox out and puts it under her cubby for easy access when it is time to go to lunch. I suggested that she just leave her lunchbox in her backpack so it wouldn't get glue on it. She frowned at me. I asked if it took that long to unzip her backpack and pull out her lunchbox. She said no. So again I said to just leave her lunchbox in her backpack and then it won't get glue on it. She stared at me frowning with no response looking like she hated me.
So then I got frustrated and told her that I wasn't saying she HAD to leave her lunchbox in her backpack, and that she could do it however she wanted, but she had asked for my help and I was just making a suggestion. I told her that the only person we can control is ourselves, and the only way to protect her lunchbox was to keep it put up. I asked her what was more important to her, having the lunchbox ready to go, or keeping glue off of it? She said it was more important to keep glue off it, but she just kept frowning at me and looking mad. I asked her what she wanted me to say and she said she didn't know. So then I told her that it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring at me after I offered a suggestion and I made her apologize to me for acting ugly. Then we just moved on and the rest of the morning was okay.
Before I start over with a new counselor, I want to have my thoughts collected, so I'm going to use this blog to do it. Forgive me if I sound like I'm nitpicking, but I need to write down everything so I can see trends.
This morning she complained that people keep getting glue on her lunchbox. I asked her how this was happening. She said that she gets her lunchbox out and puts it under her cubby for easy access when it is time to go to lunch. I suggested that she just leave her lunchbox in her backpack so it wouldn't get glue on it. She frowned at me. I asked if it took that long to unzip her backpack and pull out her lunchbox. She said no. So again I said to just leave her lunchbox in her backpack and then it won't get glue on it. She stared at me frowning with no response looking like she hated me.
So then I got frustrated and told her that I wasn't saying she HAD to leave her lunchbox in her backpack, and that she could do it however she wanted, but she had asked for my help and I was just making a suggestion. I told her that the only person we can control is ourselves, and the only way to protect her lunchbox was to keep it put up. I asked her what was more important to her, having the lunchbox ready to go, or keeping glue off of it? She said it was more important to keep glue off it, but she just kept frowning at me and looking mad. I asked her what she wanted me to say and she said she didn't know. So then I told her that it wasn't very nice to ask for my advice and then stand there glaring at me after I offered a suggestion and I made her apologize to me for acting ugly. Then we just moved on and the rest of the morning was okay.
Monday, April 07, 2008
I fired her
I had an overwhelming feeling that the counselor was wrong for us, so I left her a message and we quit.
Now I have to find another one that accepts Medicaid.
Now I have to find another one that accepts Medicaid.
Counselor Doubts
I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with our counselor being able to help Blondie. She enjoys her visits (we've had three) but I think the woman has no experience at all with foster kids.
I talked to her last week about my concerns about attachment issues. I said that I felt that Blondie might put more stock in what I tell her if she was more attached to me. She pooh-poohed that and said that Blondie is just impulsive and not thinking at all about her disobedience as being disrespectful, blah blah blah. Maybe so, maybe not, but that is not the point. The point is that we aren't attached in a way that would be healthy for both of us.
So I tried again this week. I told her that I was interested in working on attachment with Blondie. I told her that she isn't involved with the family the way that Bubbles is. She said that we should try to include her more. So I corrected that and said that Blondie is involved in our activities, but she is holding back emotionally. I said that Bubbles is really trying to integrate herself into the family and wants to be part of us, but Blondie could probably go to another family and other than the shock to her system over the home and school change, she'd be okay and just have a new female caregiver to provide food and clothes. At that point the counselor said, "Are you saying you'd like her to go to another family?"
I nearly exploded. I told her, "You completely misunderstood what I was trying to say!" I'm just saying that Blondie is not attached, and I want her to be, not that I want her to leave! I wouldn't be asking for help for attachment issues if I wanted to kick her to the curb. I don't know if we're going to go back. I think I really need to find a counselor that understands foster kids.
Oh, and when I asked again specifically on working on attachment, she said that I should spend time with her one on one for 20 to 30 minutes every other day.
Thanks for the help, lady.
I talked to her last week about my concerns about attachment issues. I said that I felt that Blondie might put more stock in what I tell her if she was more attached to me. She pooh-poohed that and said that Blondie is just impulsive and not thinking at all about her disobedience as being disrespectful, blah blah blah. Maybe so, maybe not, but that is not the point. The point is that we aren't attached in a way that would be healthy for both of us.
So I tried again this week. I told her that I was interested in working on attachment with Blondie. I told her that she isn't involved with the family the way that Bubbles is. She said that we should try to include her more. So I corrected that and said that Blondie is involved in our activities, but she is holding back emotionally. I said that Bubbles is really trying to integrate herself into the family and wants to be part of us, but Blondie could probably go to another family and other than the shock to her system over the home and school change, she'd be okay and just have a new female caregiver to provide food and clothes. At that point the counselor said, "Are you saying you'd like her to go to another family?"
I nearly exploded. I told her, "You completely misunderstood what I was trying to say!" I'm just saying that Blondie is not attached, and I want her to be, not that I want her to leave! I wouldn't be asking for help for attachment issues if I wanted to kick her to the curb. I don't know if we're going to go back. I think I really need to find a counselor that understands foster kids.
Oh, and when I asked again specifically on working on attachment, she said that I should spend time with her one on one for 20 to 30 minutes every other day.
Thanks for the help, lady.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Algebra
My third grader had some fraction reducing homework, and being the math person that I am, it somehow led to a mini-algebra lesson.
Then I said, "Now you will already know some of this stuff when you get to Algebra."
And Bubbles responded, looking a bit worried, "Where is Algebra?"
Cute.
I quickly explained that Algebra was a what, not a where, and we weren't sending her away to Algebra.
Then I said, "Now you will already know some of this stuff when you get to Algebra."
And Bubbles responded, looking a bit worried, "Where is Algebra?"
Cute.
I quickly explained that Algebra was a what, not a where, and we weren't sending her away to Algebra.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Natural First
I talked to my SIL who I depend on for good advice due to the fact she has a master's degree in social work and has worked with many foster kids, and she recommends that I try all the natural alternatives first, particularly since Ritalin has been known to stunt growth and Blondie is on growth hormones as it is.
Blondie has been doing very well on her growth hormones and has grown about eight inches since we started her treatment. I certainly don't want to jeopardize that. If anyone has had any success with natural ADHD treatments, I'd love to hear from you.
Blondie has been doing very well on her growth hormones and has grown about eight inches since we started her treatment. I certainly don't want to jeopardize that. If anyone has had any success with natural ADHD treatments, I'd love to hear from you.
ADHD?
The counselor wants to medicate Blondie for ADHD. I described Blondie's behavior to her, and the more I talked the more she said I was describing classic ADHD symptoms. There are so many reasons that I don't want to medicate her. First, I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and that too many children are medicated because they are fiesty and energetic and have tired teachers and parents who don't know how to handle them. Second, Blondie's birth family abused drugs and I don't want to set the example for Blondie that we fix our problems with medication.
But nothing else has worked. We have pleaded and punished and rewarded, and she's about the same. She functions only in the moment she is in, with no regard for past or future consequences. We're worn out and she most likely is too. It's to the point that we dread being around her, all of us except Bubbles, who puts up with her due to loyalty, love, habit and necessity.
That's not the life I want for Blondie. I want her to be happy, successful, and adored by her family. So I'm giving in. We're going to try medication and see if it helps.
But nothing else has worked. We have pleaded and punished and rewarded, and she's about the same. She functions only in the moment she is in, with no regard for past or future consequences. We're worn out and she most likely is too. It's to the point that we dread being around her, all of us except Bubbles, who puts up with her due to loyalty, love, habit and necessity.
That's not the life I want for Blondie. I want her to be happy, successful, and adored by her family. So I'm giving in. We're going to try medication and see if it helps.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Counselor #1
I made an appointment with a counselor for Blondie. She starts next week, and then will go once a week. We were very blessed to find one that accepts Medicaid and is right in town and less than a mile from her school. I talked to her on on the phone for about 20 minutes today. I have some misgivings because she wasn't the warm-fuzzy type on the phone and she kept telling me that the behaviors I described were normal. I have three other children, and I know what is, and isn't, normal.
Anyway, we'll see if it works out. I have another reference a little farther away that also accepts Medicaid.
Bubbles is doing very well. Babygirl is home sick. Bucky is registering for high school next year.
Life marches on.
Anyway, we'll see if it works out. I have another reference a little farther away that also accepts Medicaid.
Bubbles is doing very well. Babygirl is home sick. Bucky is registering for high school next year.
Life marches on.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Rice Donations
Here is a way to make free rice donations and check your vocabulary level:
www.freerice.com.
Check it out.
Also, we're going to get Blondie into counseling soon. She's not improving.
www.freerice.com.
Check it out.
Also, we're going to get Blondie into counseling soon. She's not improving.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Mad at Her
Blondie is making up lies about Bubbles...telling me that Bubbles did things she shouldn't, but she didn't. I was able to check with others who knew the truth (outside our family) on both occasions and verify what actually happened. Blondie did it twice last week, both Monday and Friday. On Monday it was because Blondie was going to bed early so she wanted Bubbles to have to go to bed too. Then on Friday I think it was because Bubbles was in the spelling bee and Blondie was jealous about the attention Bubbles got. This behavior is more sinister than before though. Usually she just tattles about something Bubbles actually did, but now she's making things up.
It makes me feel like I don't even like her. That is so awful, I know. But I find that behavior despicable. How can someone try to get someone they love in trouble like that, especially when aren't even mad at them, just feeling sorry for themselves?
She's destroying her credibility with me, which is bad on two counts. First, obviously, I already have less than no trust in her, and now she has just sunk to a new low. And if Bubbles actually does something and Blondie tells me, I probably won't even believe her.
I know I just need to get over it. Blondie is wearing me out. I drug out my book on "Adopting the Hurt Child" because I needed a refresher. I have to keep trying - it's just hard to scrape up any motivation when my feelings don't match what I know I need to do.
It makes me feel like I don't even like her. That is so awful, I know. But I find that behavior despicable. How can someone try to get someone they love in trouble like that, especially when aren't even mad at them, just feeling sorry for themselves?
She's destroying her credibility with me, which is bad on two counts. First, obviously, I already have less than no trust in her, and now she has just sunk to a new low. And if Bubbles actually does something and Blondie tells me, I probably won't even believe her.
I know I just need to get over it. Blondie is wearing me out. I drug out my book on "Adopting the Hurt Child" because I needed a refresher. I have to keep trying - it's just hard to scrape up any motivation when my feelings don't match what I know I need to do.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Who Should You Vote For?
http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm
I match best with Mike Huckabee.
I match best with Mike Huckabee.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
So Much Harder Than I Thought
When you go to training, they try to tell you what you are in for when you adopt older children. But really, I still wasn't prepared. They told us the horror stories, and I know that many people actually live through those, and they have my deepest sympathies. What I didn't know was how frustrating it would be to try and try and try and try, and still be almost at the same point where we started after over two years. It makes me feel helpless and want to give up. I talk and reason until I'm blue in the face, and I get ready assurances that they will do everything I suggest, but then nothing.
Blondie is failing fourth grade. She will not do her work. It's hard to tell how much she can/can't do. I have told her repeatedly to bring her work home with her and I will help her with it. She tells me she doesn't have homework. Her teacher says she does. She tells me that she turned it in right before she left for the day, in the latework folder, and that the teacher hasn't seen it yet. The next day the teacher tells me she doesn't have it. New week, repeat. New week, repeat. I explain to Blondie that she will fail fourth grade if she doesn't do her work. She cries and says she doesn't want to fail, and that she will do her work and bring it home for me to help her with. She doesn't. I'm at my wit's end.
Her teacher has started sending home her progress reports with Bubbles, because Blondie throws them away. The child is fighting every step of the way not to do her work. I know that she could do better if she would just try, even though I also know that the work is harder for her than the average child.
I asked Blondie what kind of reward I could offer her that would make her want to do her work. She said that she wanted me to come eat lunch with her and bring Sonic. I told her that I would be happy to do that if she brought home a report card or progress report with no failing grades. She was very excited and talked about it alot, but she DIDN'T DO HER WORK. She continued to lie and hide and throw away her work. I don't know if she doesn't care about failing, doesn't believe she'll actually fail, or just can't connect her consequences with her actions. It's hard for me to understand, because she certainly behaves when Boaz or I am around, so she knows about consequences. She also knows that the school can't give her any consequences that matter to her, so she does what she wants there.
She really likes Boaz. She loves to be outside, and so does he, so I'm trying to use that to our advantage. I'm going to start having Boaz talk more to her about school and her grades, and have him offer her some rewards and consequences. I think it might have more effect since she seems to prefer him. I don't know, but it's worth a shot. I'm down but not out. I'm still trying, I just have less hope of succeeding that I did in the beginning. It's like trying to move a mountain with a toothpick and I've got a very, very small pile of rubble to show for it after two years. And a broken toothpick and splinters. I'm thinking I'll reach old age before I get the mountain moved.
But the conclusion I have come to is this: I can't fix the broken things inside of her. Only God can do that. I am called to be her mother and do the best I can for her, and I will continue to do that. But I'm praying a lot harder and depending a lot less on my own abilities in the meantime. Boaz pointed out that this is probably how God feels about us sometimes: that we keep on and on doing the same dumb things, even though we know better. I'm so thankful that He doesn't get as frustrated with me as I do with Blondie! It helps me to put it all in perspective. She can't help the way she is. I'm not sure that I can either. It's all up to God.
Blondie is failing fourth grade. She will not do her work. It's hard to tell how much she can/can't do. I have told her repeatedly to bring her work home with her and I will help her with it. She tells me she doesn't have homework. Her teacher says she does. She tells me that she turned it in right before she left for the day, in the latework folder, and that the teacher hasn't seen it yet. The next day the teacher tells me she doesn't have it. New week, repeat. New week, repeat. I explain to Blondie that she will fail fourth grade if she doesn't do her work. She cries and says she doesn't want to fail, and that she will do her work and bring it home for me to help her with. She doesn't. I'm at my wit's end.
Her teacher has started sending home her progress reports with Bubbles, because Blondie throws them away. The child is fighting every step of the way not to do her work. I know that she could do better if she would just try, even though I also know that the work is harder for her than the average child.
I asked Blondie what kind of reward I could offer her that would make her want to do her work. She said that she wanted me to come eat lunch with her and bring Sonic. I told her that I would be happy to do that if she brought home a report card or progress report with no failing grades. She was very excited and talked about it alot, but she DIDN'T DO HER WORK. She continued to lie and hide and throw away her work. I don't know if she doesn't care about failing, doesn't believe she'll actually fail, or just can't connect her consequences with her actions. It's hard for me to understand, because she certainly behaves when Boaz or I am around, so she knows about consequences. She also knows that the school can't give her any consequences that matter to her, so she does what she wants there.
She really likes Boaz. She loves to be outside, and so does he, so I'm trying to use that to our advantage. I'm going to start having Boaz talk more to her about school and her grades, and have him offer her some rewards and consequences. I think it might have more effect since she seems to prefer him. I don't know, but it's worth a shot. I'm down but not out. I'm still trying, I just have less hope of succeeding that I did in the beginning. It's like trying to move a mountain with a toothpick and I've got a very, very small pile of rubble to show for it after two years. And a broken toothpick and splinters. I'm thinking I'll reach old age before I get the mountain moved.
But the conclusion I have come to is this: I can't fix the broken things inside of her. Only God can do that. I am called to be her mother and do the best I can for her, and I will continue to do that. But I'm praying a lot harder and depending a lot less on my own abilities in the meantime. Boaz pointed out that this is probably how God feels about us sometimes: that we keep on and on doing the same dumb things, even though we know better. I'm so thankful that He doesn't get as frustrated with me as I do with Blondie! It helps me to put it all in perspective. She can't help the way she is. I'm not sure that I can either. It's all up to God.
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